The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (32 page)

In between trolling for willing and eager one-night companions within the White House secretary pool, President John F. Kennedy worked in a little game of nuclear chicken with the sometimes-sober leader of the Soviet Union, Nikita Khrushchev.

Prior to JFK placing his nonmasturbatory hand on the Bible and taking the oath of office, previous president Dwight D. Eisenhower was credited with kicking off the testosterone-filled showdown in 1959, when he deployed U.S. made Jupiter missiles uncomfortably close to the Soviet Union border. Using the accommodating countries of Turkey and Italy to act as storage units for his toys, Eisenhower announced the purpose of the missiles was to promote peace in the region.
UPON TAKING OFFICE, JFK ARGUED PASSIONATELY THAT THE PATH TO PEACE WAS THROUGH INTERCONTINENTAL EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS.

He told the White House press corps that he had his eye on an insanely hot blonde from Moscow named Natasha Breastinov that he noticed while surfing the erotic services section of a popular underground Soviet website.

In October 1962 during negotiations, Khrushchev officially took sex with Miss Breastinov off the table and instead began building nuclear missile sites in the not-so-American-friendly and uncomfortably close nation of Cuba. President JFK was so angered by Khrushchev's unwillingness to order Miss Breastinov to have freakish sex with him in an effort to promote world peace, that he immediately blocked Khrushchev from his Facebook page. After it was discovered that Khrushchev was computer illiterate, effectively making the punishment ineffective, JFK called a meeting with Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, at which time McNamara gave the president the same three options all gamblers face: check, bet, or fold.

Following an episode of the animated hit series
The Simpsons
, President Kennedy spoke to the nation about the desperate situation in a live televised address on October 22, 1962. With nuclear war a very real possibility, he assured the American people that he had done everything he could to work with Khrushchev diplomatically, even proposing that Khrushchev could have his way with Hollywood's semiostracized actress Shannen Doherty in an attempt to solve the growing crisis at hand.

Leaning on his team of advisors and yes-men, JFK decided against attacking Russia's Cuban installations for fear of initiating an all-out nuclear war that could lead to the deaths of millions, including hundreds of yet-to-be-enjoyed Russian beauties. Instead, JFK opted for a more passive-aggressive approach by ordering a quarantine of Soviet ships trying to enter the small cigar-making island.

After several days, Khrushchev blinked and agreed to dismantle his nuclear launch sites under United Nations supervision in exchange for the United States removing its weapons from Turkey and agreeing to allow Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to carry on his dictating without fear of another U.S. attack. Having narrowly avoided a nuclear war, JFK announced that he was looking for two willing White House secretaries with Russian heritage to participate in a celebratory threesome inside the oval office.

Martin Luther King Jr. may have been a black man, but he shared the same sexual fantasies as most of his Caucasian male counterparts. To prove it, in June 1963 he organized a rally of 250,000 people on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. to let Americans of all colors know publicly and emphatically that he too wanted to sleep with the hungry and emaciated Olsen twins. King told his audience that it would be an appropriate gesture of goodwill on the part of the twins if they joined him in a post civil rights rally threesome as repayment for the years of slavery that his relatives of generations past suffered through.

Using his announcement for twin-on-King love as a springboard to discuss civil rights in America, MLK Jr. spoke passionately about the need to find racial equality in the United States. He advocated for Gandhi-like power through peaceful demonstrations when he wasn't chasing down young former child star actresses.

Fortunately for King, his pleas for equality landed on the sympathetic ears of President John F. Kennedy. Kennedy openly championed the effort to bring social reform in the way of racial equality. For years, JFK carried around a list of names with corresponding pictures in his back left pocket of the black women he would like to sleep with once the social stigma of interracial relations was removed.

MLK was on a roll. The president wanted to advance the cause of the black man, and he had the attention of African Americans everywhere.

But as his people's mojo got working, things started to unravel. JFK was assassinated during a re-election campaign stop in Dallas, Texas. The Civil Rights Act was sympathetically passed, only to have the Vietnam War take center stage. King openly rejected the war, advocating that the money being spent to fight communism in the tiny Asian country should be spent at home as an economic stimulus package for the poor.

In March 1968 MLK rolled into Memphis, Tennessee, to support area sanitation workers who were striking to correct the shitty treatment they had been receiving. James Earl Ray, Olsen stalker and part-time vegan, shot King dead while he stood outside on the second-floor balcony of the less-than-classy Lorraine Motel. With King's premature death, and for the good of race relations in America, Mary Kate and Ashley are now being asked to make sexual reparations with the less popular and far less attractive Reverend Al Sharpton.

Young, good-looking, and owner of the kind of power most men only dream of, JFK was our thirty-fifth president and our favorite gigolo. He was a Harvard graduate. He was an adulterer. He had an appreciation for the arts. He had an appreciation for Hollywood ass. He oftentimes invited the brightest and most creative minds to the White House. He oftentimes invited women other than his wife for sex at the White House.

He was a visionary who hoped to accomplish a number of social reforms. He was a visionary who enjoyed a quality threesome when his schedule allowed for it. During his inaugural speech he issued the famous line, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Behind closed doors, he issued the famous words, “Let this be our dirty little secret.”

Although Kennedy enjoyed successes politically with cleaning up the growing problem of organized crime in America, and sexually with his conquests of Marilyn Monroe and Judith Campbell Exner, there were some hiccups during his presidency. Kennedy okayed the Bay of Pigs disaster and had difficulty passing social reform. In spite of his uneven first-term results, he was beginning to look toward securing re-election when he traveled to Texas in November 1963.

Maybe if Kennedy had been less focused on changing Washington's nickname to the “unbuckled beltway,” he would have realized that sitting in the back of a convertible with the top down waving to a crowd of strangers is never a good idea for anyone who has made an enemy or two over the years. It takes only one bad day for a psychotic, socially disturbed malcontent to bring a gun to work.

As the presidential motorcade made its way through Dallas, cheering crowds lined the streets. When the president's car pulled in front of the Texas School Book Depository, three shots were fired, and chaos erupted. The first shot was wide right, the second nonfatal shot was buried deep in the spleen of the Texas governor, and the third was a fatal headshot to President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. With the president dead, police arrested Lee Harvey Os-wald, the aforementioned psychotic, socially disturbed malcontent.

Many Americans never wanted to believe that Oswald acted on his own. As a result, dozens of theories concerning who was responsible for JFK's murder have been offered up. The Russians did it. The Mafia did it. The vice president was power hungry. Who would shoot the man whose secret service detail gave the code name The Golden Penis?

Speculation ran on endlessly like a Kenyan. It was three shooters; it was a shooter on the overpass. It was a shooter on the grassy knoll. Nobody knows for sure. But most evidence leads us to believe it was Lee Harvey Oswald. Unfortunately, we never got to hear from Oswald.
AS HE WAS BEING TRANSFERRED BETWEEN PRISONS, STRIP-CLUB OWNER JACK RUBY SHOT OSWALD TO DEATH ON LIVE TV, WHICH IS A GOOD LESSON FOR ANYONE THINKING ABOUT ESTABLISHING CREDIT AT A STRIP CLUB.
Ruby was later arrested, tried, and sent to prison; he died from cancer in 1967.

For many Americans, the Kennedy assassination is the crown jewel of unsolved mysteries. To date there have been over 2,000 books written on the Kennedy assassination, and not one of them unequivocally holds the nuts to the question, who shot President Kennedy?

Obviously, other presidents before and after JFK have indulged in extramarital affairs; however, this is an appropriate place to pause and reflect on the all-time greatest White House mistresses, because no one did it better than John Fitzgerald Kennedy. The following rankings are based on the mistresses' looks, stature in the community, and length of sexual service to the president. There is no weight given to their skills between the sheets, as most often the presidents themselves have yet to comment on the individual performances of their mistresses.

1.  
   

2. Marilyn Monroe:
   She's in a league of her own. An object of men's fantasies around the world in her prime. Even JFK's wife gave him props on this.
   

    
   

3. Sally Hemings:
   Sally was Thomas Jefferson's slave with whom he had children. He loved to tell her, “I own you!” because legally, he really did.
   

    
   

4. Blaze Starr:
   JFK scores again. She was a stripper, and frequently referred to her bedroom as the “Oral Office.”
   

    
   

5. Mary Gibbons:
   George Washington got the presidential ball rolling with this spicy little number. It is a little-known fact that when George was talking about cutting down the cherry tree, he was actually referring to taking Mary's virginity.
   

    
   

6. Judith Exner Campbell:
   JFK makes his third appearance on our list. Campbell was known to be a mistress of the Chicago mobster Sam Giancana. Really JFK? We're disappointed. Sloppy seconds? C'mon! You bagged Monroe! Dust yourself off and get back out there.
   

   

    
   

7. Crown Princess Marta:
   Franklin Delano Roosevelt makes our list. She was the crown princess from Norway. And more importantly, she was hot.
   

    
   

8. Nan Britton:
   Warren Harding shows up in the #7 spot. One of the favorites on the list, Harding was president during the Roaring Twenties and bagged Britton, thirty years his junior. Harding is often described as a “compulsive adulterer.”
   

    
   

9. Monica Lewinsky:
   Our most recent addition to the list is known for seedy encounters with President Clinton. Literally helped redefine the word sex. Now making a living off her sexual exploits.
   

    
   

10. Kay Summersby:
    Dwight Eisenhower's mistress during his time as a general. Some sources report it as an illicit affair, while others maintain it didn't go beyond kissing. Which one is it? We need to know. If it was only kissing, then she's off the list, and she won't have a second crack at it either. Not because we're bastards; she died in 1975.
    

     
    

11. Kennedy's secretaries:
    Now that's how you bounce back from sloppy seconds. A good old-fashioned threesome in the White House pool with employees. Man, this guy pulled in some serious tail. You are a role model for all American men, Mr. Kennedy.