The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya (16 page)

“An old family that follows old customs. You can feel the refinement in the mysterious bearing of the place. You can feel its age,” Koizumi said in a voice that didn’t exactly sound filled with admiration. Are you some kind of extravagance reporter?

After crossing space large enough for a baseball triangle, we finally reached the entrance. Tsuruya took Asahina to the bathroom before leading us to her room.

This made my own bedroom look like something a cat would sleep in. A spacious, traditional Japanese-style room that was so big you wouldn’t know where to sit. Except that I was apparently the only one troubled by any of this. Haruhi entered the room without a care, followed by Nagato and Koizumi.

“Nice room. This is good enough to film in. That’s it. We’ll say this is Koizumi’s room. We’ll shoot some scenes of him getting close with Mikuru here.”

Haruhi was sitting on a cushion and looking through a rectangle formed by her fingers. Tsuruya’s room was a simple tatami affair with a tea table as the only furniture.

I was attempting to copy Nagato, sitting next to me, by kneeling on the floor with my back straight, but after three minutes my legs couldn’t take it anymore. Haruhi had been sitting cross-legged to begin with as she whispered something into Tsuruya’s ear.

“Gaha! Hey, that sounds fun! Hold on a sec!”

And with that, Tsuruya, laughing cheerfully, zipped out of the room.

I put my thinking cap on. Is Tsuruya really a normal person? It’s a widely held opinion that anyone able to get along with Haruhi is either abnormal or not human. It could just be that they happen to be on the same wavelength.

After a few minutes of waiting, Tsuruya returned. She brought Asahina as a gift. And it wasn’t the usual Asahina, but an Asahina who had just gotten out of the bath. She was wearing a loose T-shirt that was probably borrowed from Tsuruya. Actually, the T-shirt was the only thing she was wearing.

“Ah… S-sorry to keep everyone waiting….”

Asahina, with her hair still damp and skin flushed, hid behind Tsuruya as she entered the room before kneeling down straight and hunching up. The sleeves and shirt were too long for Asahina, which resulted in the T-shirt looking more like a one-piece dress—quite a wonderful effect. She’d forgotten to remove the contact, which meant her right eye was still silver, which would have been dangerous, but the fact that neither beams nor sharp wires would be shooting out meant I could breathe easy. It almost made me want to run to some shrine and worship Nagato, who still hadn’t removed her hat.

“Here you go. Drink up.”

The tray Tsuruya set on the floor was filled with enough glasses of orange-colored liquid for everyone in the room. In a flash Asahina drank half of the glass of orange juice handed to her by Tsuruya. She’d been the most active today, so she was probably pretty dehydrated.

As I also gratefully savored my juice, Haruhi had already downed hers in a single gulp and was crunching away at the remaining ice.

“Okay. We might as well film in this room while we’re here.”

After barely any rest, we were already starting to film the next scene.

Koizumi carried Asahina, pretending to be unconscious, into the room. For some reason, a futon was already spread on the floor. Koizumi laid Asahina down on the futon and stared at her sleeping face.

Asahina’s face was fairly flushed, and her eyelashes were twitching. Koizumi placed a blanket over her defenseless body, crossed his arms, and sat down at her side.

“Unh…,” Asahina pretended to mumble in her sleep. Koizumi continued to watch her with a smile on his face.

Nagato, who apparently didn’t have a part in this scene, was still drinking her orange juice behind Tsuruya and me. I zoomed in on Asahina’s sleeping face as I gazed through the viewfinder. Haruhi didn’t provide any instructions, so I was free to follow my own preferences. However, Haruhi continued issuing real-time instructions to the two leading stars.

“Mikuru, it’s about time for you to wake up. Say your lines exactly the way I told you to.”

“… Unh—”

Asahina gradually opened her eyes and looked up at Koizumi in a daze.

“Are you awake?” asked Koizumi.

“Yes… Um, where am I…”

“My room.”

Asahina sat up slowly. She looked like she had a fever, and her eyes couldn’t seem to focus. She’s behaving awfully sexy; is she acting?

“Th… thank you very much.”

Haruhi immediately relayed the next instruction.

“Now, you two! Get your faces closer together! And then Mikuru closes her eyes and Koizumi puts his arm around her shoulder. Or just shove her down and kiss her!”

“Huh…”

For some reason, Asahina’s mouth was half open in a stupor. Koizumi put his arm around Asahina’s shoulder as instructed, which was when I could no longer hold myself back.

“Hold it. You’re doing way too much abridging. And wait, why is there even a scene like this? What’s going on here?”

“It’s romantic moment. A love scene. You have to include stuff like this when you’re doing a multiple time-slot program.”

Moron. Is this supposed to be a two-hour drama that airs at 9 pm? And you, Koizumi. Why do you look like you’re ready to act? If something like this gets screened, you’ll find hundreds of curses in your shoe locker. Use your head.

The sound of cackling laughter made me turn around. Tsuruya was bent over with her nails digging into the tatami mat, laughing her head off.

“Haha—Mikuru’s acting so funny!”

It’s not funny…. At least, that’s what I wanted to say, but it was clear that Asahina wasn’t acting normally. She couldn’t even hold up her head straight, her eyes were dazed, and her cheeks were flushed. And she wasn’t even resisting Koizumi’s arm around her shoulder. Not amusing at all.

“Uh… Koizumi, my head feels heavy… Ah.”

As she said things that made me want to offer flowers to a certain mouse, Asahina was lurching around. I was wondering if she had been drugged when I realized something. My eyes went to her empty glass as Tsuruya laughed.

“Sorry. I mixed tequila into Mikuru’s juice. I was told that some alcohol might help her acting get better.”

Haruhi’s sinister idea, huh? I was more angry than shocked. Don’t secretly mix that kind of stuff in.

“Who cares. Mikuru looks really sexy right now. Makes for a better scene,” said Haruhi.

You couldn’t call this acting anymore. Asahina was staggering around. Her cheeks were flushed red below her closed eyes. I don’t mind her looking sexy but I’m not too happy about her leaning up against Koizumi.

“Koizumi, just kiss her already. Of course, I mean on the lips!”

Hell no. You shouldn’t be doing that to someone who can’t even tell left from right in her current condition.

“Cut it out, Koizumi.”

Koizumi appeared to ponder whether he should listen to the director or the cameraman. I’m gonna smack you. Either way, I lowered the camera. I don’t intend to film such a scene and I don’t intend to let such a scene be filmed.

Koizumi smiled as though to reassure me and moved away from the staggering leading lady.

“Director, this is too much for me to handle. And Asahina seems to have reached her limit.”

“… I’m perfectly fine, though…,” Asahina said while looking anything but perfectly fine.

“Honestly. I guess it can’t be helped.”

Haruhi puckered her lips like a duck’s bill and approached the inebriated girl.

“Oh, you’re still wearing the contact? That should have been off for this scene.”

She whacked the back of Asahina’s head.

“O… ouch,” said Asahina as she held her head.

“That’s no good, Mikuru! The contact’s supposed to pop out when I whack your head. Let’s try it again. Practice.”

Whack.

“Ow.”

Whack.

“… Ugh,” Asahina whimpered as she squeezed her eyes shut.

“Cut it out, stupid,” I said as I grabbed Haruhi’s arm. “How is this practice? What does this have to do with acting? How is any of this fun?”

“What is it? Don’t stop me. I’m merely following convention.”

“What convention? This isn’t amusing at all. It’s dumb. Asahina isn’t your toy.”

“I’ve decided that she is. Mikuru’s my toy!”

The second I heard that, blood rushed to my head. It felt like I was seeing red. I seriously snapped. For a second, impulse overcame reason and my body was reacting unconsciously.

Somebody grabbed my wrist. Koizumi was shaking his head at me with narrowed eyes. I saw that Koizumi had stopped my right arm, which was when I noticed that my right hand was balled up in a fist. My right fist had been on the verge of punching Haruhi.

“What are you…!”

Haruhi glared at me with a glint in her eye as bright as the Pleiades.

“What do you have a problem with? You should just do as I say! I’m the brigade chief and director and… Anyway, I won’t allow you to go against me!”

I was seeing red again. Damn bitch. Let me go, Koizumi. Doesn’t matter if you’re dealing with animals or humans, anyone who refuses to listen deserves to be socked. Or else she’ll spend the rest of her life as a prickly moron that everybody avoids.

“Pl-pl… please stop!” Asahina jumped in, speaking in a slurred voice. “You mustn’t. Mustn’t fight…”

Asahina, who had come between Haruhi and me, collapsed to the ground, face bright red. She put her arms around Haruhi’s knees.

“Uh…
hic.
Everybody has to get along together… Or else… hmm—Oh, that’s classified.”

And with that, Asahina’s eyes closed as she mumbled. And then her breathing grew regular as she fell asleep.

Koizumi and I were walking down the hill. We could see the pond we had been using below us.

The actress was no longer employable, so filming was called off. After leaving the sleeping Asahina in the hands of Tsuruya, Koizumi and I along with Nagato retired from the mansion, but for some reason Haruhi insisted on staying behind by herself, took the video camera from me, and turned her back on us. I didn’t say a word as I gathered up our belongings. Tsuruya saw us off.

“Sorry, Kyon,” Tsuruya said apologetically, but she soon smiled. “I got a little carried away there! Don’t worry about Mikuru. I’ll send her home later. Or she can even stay the night!”

Nagato trudged off the second she was through the gate. Doesn’t seem like she has anything to say about all of this. That’s how she is anyway. She never has anything to say about anything.

After five minutes of walking by my side silently, Koizumi opened his mouth.

“I expected you to be a more composed person.”

That’s what I thought too.

“We already have enough irregularities in the real world to deal with. I would rather you refrain from any actions that would lead to the creation of closed space.”

Like I care. Isn’t that what the fishy-sounding secret “Agency” or whatever is for? You people can deal with it.

“In regard to the prior incident, it would appear that Suzumiya was unconsciously restraining herself. Closed space has not appeared anywhere. This is a request from me. Please make amends with her tomorrow.”

I decide what I’m going to do. I’m not going to do something because you told me to.

“Well, what’s important now is to think about what to do about any effect she has had in real space.”

Koizumi shamelessly changed the subject. I went along with it.

“Can’t really do any thinking about it. I have no idea what’s wrong with what.”

“The theory is simple. Whenever Suzumiya has an idea, there is a ripple effect in the real world. Isn’t that how it’s been?”

I recalled the blue giants wreaking havoc in the gray world.

“Whenever Suzumiya says something, we have to respond accordingly. After all, that is our role in this world.”

I remembered the glowing red balls. Koizumi spoke in a confident voice as he strolled along.

“We serve as Haruhi Suzumiya’s tranquilizer. Her sedative.”

“Well… guess that would apply to you.”

“It also applies to you.”

The mysterious former transfer student continued to smile.

“Closed space is our primary workplace. You are responsible for the real world. If you can keep Suzumiya calmed down, closed space will not appear. As a result of your efforts, my workload has decreased significantly in the past six months. I should thank you.”

“Don’t bother.”

“Is that so? Then I won’t.”

We reached the road at the bottom of the hill. Koizumi broke the silence again.

“Incidentally, there’s somewhere I’d like you to come with me right now.”

“If I refuse?”

“We will reach the location shortly. You won’t need to do anything there. Of course, this is not an invitation to closed space.”

Koizumi abruptly raised his arm. A familiar black taxi came to a stop next to us.

“As I was saying.”

Koizumi leaned against the backseat of the taxi. I stared at the back of the driver’s head.

“At the present, there is a pattern to the situations involving you and Suzumiya. The basic framework involves you and the rest of us brigade members actualizing Suzumiya’s whims.”

“It’s a pain.”

“Indeed. However, we do not know how long the status quo will be maintained. A repetition of events is most likely one of Suzumiya’s peeves.