The Shoe Princess's Guide to the Galaxy (38 page)

       
On the home front, I’ve found it incredibly difficult missing Millie’s bath and bedtime story of an evening. I cried myself to sleep the first night it happened. But alas, she still cuddled me and jumped all over me in the morning – just as she used to do with Tim. Millie’s adapted amazingly well, actually, to the role reversal. But I do find it especially hard at weekends, when she turns to Tim first if she falls over and cries. (Babies, I’m sensing, are incredibly loyal to those that are most loyal to them – in the absolutely purest way.)

       
But according to Tim, I do have ‘control issues’ on the home front too. I’m making a concerted effort of late to walk out of the door in the mornings and not leave him with a list of things to do and an instruction manual on how to do them. And of course, Millie’s
loving
Tim’s more relaxed, adventurous style of parenting – they go swimming and walking together all the time (though the housework mysteriously never seems to get done!).

       
Tim’s doing well with his CV and has been teeing up meetings with companies and contacts on the days that Millie’s with her childminder. But so far no firm job options have come up. Hence the pressure of being the sole earner is ever present – and not to be underestimated, either. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve suddenly become obsessed with checking VISA purchases online. Plus, I’ve given Tim a little talking to about spending too much money on coffees and cakes at the local patisserie and the park café – explaining how Millie and I only had the occasional treat, and would mostly take snacks from home.

       
I do miss our jaunts around the park and of course my pots of tea with Florence and our daily rendezvous with G & T – but I guess I had to rejoin the real world at some point! And as I think back now to how hard some of those early times in the first year were at home with Millie, Mary was right, I don’t regret them for a minute. (She was always telling me this.) It’s weird and kind of sweet, sitting here at my computer, knowing that she’s out there now – pounding the pavements, visiting another shell-shocked new mum and holding her hand through the perplexing minefield of first-time motherhood.

       
One aspect of work I have found a little unsettling is the slight feeling that some of my younger (child-free) colleagues think I’m a tad scatty. As no matter how hard I try, I seem to be the last in the office each morning – which is irritating. And this week, Millie’s been getting her molars and eye teeth at the same time, so we’ve had a dreadful run of broken nights. (I still get up to her, even though I know I should leave it to Tim.) I actually walked into the office this morning in a pair of my rather well-worn mum shoes – having forgotten to change into my glam work shoes before I walked out the door. Only to realise that I’d also left the draft contract for another new designer I’m signing up on the desk at home. (I’ve
never
done this before.) I’ll now either have to go home and get it before our meeting with the lawyers this afternoon, or simply reschedule.

       
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. ... Alison. There’s clearly one thing I
must
do before the day’s end – it’s now or never.

       
But first, to do some work ...

From:        Jane (Ogdens)

To:                Kate (work)

Subject:        Idea

Kate

       
Have got an idea to run by you ... carbon neutral/eco/recycled/ethical shoes – but stylish, of course! Am thinking that there’s a large untapped market, and wanted to put a proposal together for work. Would love to hear your thoughts.

       
Fancy lunch sometime this week?

       
Jane x

PS, Am still getting my head around Mum and Dad selling up in Oxfordshire and buying a loft conversion in Clerkenwell. Looks like Mum’s delayed mid-life crisis was contagious. J x

From:        Jane (Ogdens)

To:                Victoria (home)

Subject:        RE: Charity Fundraiser

Hi Victoria

       
Was lovely to bump into you in your front garden on Sunday – far too long since I’ve done a spin around Queen’s Park. Was my pleasure to take Millie and Allegra over for a play on the swings – I think they miss seeing each other these days.

       
Would be only too happy to help out with your New Year’s Eve charity fundraising idea – I’ve got the perfect blog to announce it on. And will see what I can talk Ogdens into doing. Feel free to drop me a line here at work, any time.

       
All Best, Jane

TrashQueenz e-lert

Cat’s Out of the Bag. Following her collapse at Milan Fashion Week, and a stint in rehab in Arizona, we can confirm that it was NOT The Cat, but her body double. Yes, you read it here first. Catriona is at this minute holding a press conference, orchestrated by Brunch with Britain. Find a TV fast  ...

I immediately bolt down the three floors to the television-and-stereo department in the basement of Ogdens to watch the
Brunch with Britain
telecast (along with a few hundred other shoppers).

       
Oh, my. She’s beautiful. I’m looking at The Cat (the real one, Catriona). Freckled – she’s not wearing a scrap of make-up. Full in the face – in a normal sort of way. And still absolutely, stunningly
beautiful
. She’s wearing a demure Peter Pan-collar tunic dress, Chanel ballet flats and no sunglasses. Standing next to her is an
almost
identical woman of practically skeletal proportions. Also with her sunglasses off, but not nearly as glowing.

       
Oh dear, and Catriona’s arm is in a sling. She takes to the podium upon Tamsin’s introduction, flanked by her lawyer and Big Barry, and pulls out a prepared statement that she is going to read. You can hear a pin drop. She nervously clears her throat, and then begins.

       
‘It is no secret that I have struggled this past year with the incredible pressure to regain my figure, following the birth of my beloved son, Happy Sunshine. This pressure has been magnified enormously by the vigorous and relentless reporting of my yo-yoing weight battles by the paparazzi.

       
‘It is also no secret that I am a single mother, and my body is my livelihood.’

       
She takes a deep breath.

       
‘During my Fat Cat relapse in the summer I, under the guidance of my management, hired a body double – Jade.’

       
The crowd collectively gasps. My eyes can’t stop flitting from one woman to the other – I’m flabbergasted at their resemblance. That is, apart from the massive black bags under Jade’s eyes. Which are also brown and far too close together, compared to Catriona’s hypnotic green feline eyes – aha – the constant need for the sunglasses!

       
‘This was seen as essential to the ongoing bankability of The Cat brand, for all photographic work (mainly the Mange Chat and Jolie Naturelle billboards) and public appearances (like the beach shots in Sardinia, and West End shopping trips) until I returned to my former shape and the catwalk later in the year.

       
‘This practice of hiring body doubles, or “twinning”, is becoming increasingly common amongst celebrities – in an effort to try and maintain some modicum of privacy whilst also maintaining that all-important publicity profile.’

       
Ooh, I wonder who else ‘twins’?

       
‘I had planned to do the Milan show myself, but was unable to – due to being a size 10 and the unfortunate break of my arm.’ She takes another deep breath. ‘I have brittle-bone disease – from spending more than half my life starving myself, coupled with chronic alcoholism. I am prone to breaks at
any
time and had my first break three years ago.’

       
Blimey.

       
‘Because I was unable to pull out of the shows in Milan, due to contractual commitments, it was decided by my management that Jade would do them. Unfortunately, Jade fell rather heavily for the trappings of the modelling industry and developed an out-of-control methamphetamine and alcohol addiction – leading to her erratic night-time behaviour and eventual collapse in Milan. I have paid for her rehabilitation in Arizona and will continue to support her in whatever way I can in the challenging weeks and months ahead. I cannot tell you how devastated I feel to have put her in this position.’

       
She pauses briefly for a glass of water, handed to her by Big Barry, before continuing.

       
‘I would also like to take this opportunity to disclose that I did not have a ten-minute water birth with Happy Sunshine, but a planned C-section. I would also like to come clean on my so-called “naturally” perfect body, in the hope that other women and mothers will gain strength from the knowledge that all that glitters is most definitely NOT gold.’

       
She goes on to describe everything in the lists that I made in the summer and more. Including the fact that she’s been having collagen injections since the age of sixteen (under the guidance of, you guessed it, her ‘management’) and most recently underwent radical (and as yet unapproved) trial medical procedures involving human-growth hormones. And she’s had far too much cosmetic surgery for me even to recount.

       
‘I would like to announce that I am retiring from modelling. I’m currently in the process of converting to Buddhism and moving to the South Island of New Zealand, where I intend to live at peace with my children and with nature. I have enrolled to do a degree in Comparative Theology, and hope to adopt more children from Third World countries.

       
‘Thank you, the people of Britain, and especially Tamsin and Gavin, for your continued support.’

       
The madding crowd of journalists and photographers are yelling questions at her, but she calmly ignores them.

       
‘Oh, and finally, I will be donating the entire seven-figure fee (
including
my agent’s commission)’ – Barry smiles through gritted teeth for the cameras – ‘for my
Lads’ Magazine
photo-shoot with Jade to a futures fund for renewable energy sources – on behalf of Happy Sunshine and Strawberry Blossom and all the children of the world.

       
‘Thank you, and good day.’

       
She pirouettes and disappears back stage.

       
We are all COMPLETELY gobsmacked.

From:                Alison (work)

To:                Jane (Ogdens)

Subject:        Flowers and Shoe Voucher

Thank you for the magnificent bunch of flowers and shoe voucher – which arrived on my desk after lunch! Your kind words were very thoughtful – but completely unnecessary. I was exactly the same BC (Before Children). Maybe certain female brain-synapses not capable of firing until post-baby?! Who knows – slightly embarrassing, though, isn’t it?

       
Very best with your new job – you’ll be great.

       
Alison

       
(hugs to Millie xoxo)

From:                Jane (Ogdens)

To:                Fi (work)