The Shoe Princess's Guide to the Galaxy (36 page)

       
I awkwardly explain all the gory details of Gavin and Tamsin’s
five deadly Ts of mind sex
, as well as their exposé of the sin city of Bangalore. And of course my mini confidence crisis brought on by dealing with the stresses and strains of first-time motherhood – largely alone, with him in Bangalore so much. And not to mention my general state of obesity and ordinariness compared to Alex the super-sexy executive, and Catriona the supermodel-supermum.

       
‘You know I love you. No matter what your dress size,’ says Tim, studying my face closely. ‘You do know that, don’t you, Jane?’ He pulls me close with his hands encircling my waist. ‘Though you do look
hot
lately – if I do say so myself!’

       
I instantly melt on the spot and indeed wonder how I could
ever
have doubted him ... But I could still KILL him.

       
‘Let’s go to bed,’ he says, looking completely shattered yet also like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

       
‘Yes, let’s. But hold on a moment ...’ I go and fetch a block of Armani chocolate from my handbag and hand it to him, by way of a peace offering. ‘Happy Anniversary – for yesterday! I’m sorry I forgot.’ He manages a feeble smile.

       
Seeing my mobile in my handbag also reminds me of all my messages from the girls. But I decide that the Shoe Princess can wait till the morning. It’s now time for the best part of making up: making love.

       
And boy, do we have some making up to do!

www.ShoePrincess.com
 
Dress to Impress
 
Shoe Princesses will hardly find it surprising that four out of five women in a UK survey judged a man by his shoes – ahead of his body and personality! With more than two-thirds citing shoe style, colour and cleanliness as important indicators of what he would be like both in and out of bed. So who are these shoe princes?
 
Shoe Princes
 
They may not get as many column inches as we shoe princesses, but they are definitely out there, and they’re not all gay! Oh yes, the shoe prince is alive and well  ...
 
Street Smart SP
– the younger SP; quite particular about the brand and style of his shoes – usually a trendy trainer. Confident, but very image-conscious. Can have a larger shoe collection than his partner.
 
Preppy SP
– knitted polo sweater under a suit jacket, teamed with dress trousers and square-toed leather slip-ons. Takes good care of his shoes and appreciates quality. Conservative values when it comes to relationships.
 
Denim Delight SP
– always teams denim jeans with T-shirts/shirts, dark jackets and sports trainers. Not particularly concerned with image or status. High sexual energy.
 
Bohemian SP
– strong sense of individual style. Not afraid to wear pointy-toed snakeskin loafers, trilby hats or scarves. Keen to experiment in the bedroom!
 
Suit Man SP
– single-breasted suit and oxfords are this SP’s armour – emotionally fragile beneath it. Often highly ambitious with voracious physical needs.
 
Sandal Man SP
– loyal devotee of upmarket leather sandals. Manages to wear them all summer, from beach to brunch to bar to dinner date. Pleasantly practical, yet with enough style to spurn flip-flops. Easy to please between the sheets.
 
Boot Man SP
– appreciates the utility, comfort and ride of the boot. So do the women!
 
Vertically Challenged SP
– king of the shoe wedge (UK) / shoe lift (North America). He has a cupboard full of ‘status shoes and boots’ made by a bespoke shoemaker to look exactly like a classically styled oxford or boot, but with a two-inch cork heel-insert – yes, SPs, a concealed high heel! He even wears inserts in his gym shoes. What can I say? Liberty, equality, fraternity!

32. Princess Sapphire of Shoelandia

From:        The Shoe Princess

To:                Jane (home)

Subject:        FW: Ogdens

My Darling Princess Sapphire of Shoelandia

       
Gorgeous hotmail address by the way – you could have at least told me you’d changed it recently!

       
It looks like the Funky Mammas weren’t the only fans of your mum shoes – please see the exciting email below from Ogdens. I wanted to forward it on to you as soon as possible, as the parts of my blog they’re most interested in are yours (as much as I would love to take the credit).

       
Please do let me know how you get on with them – as it sounds like the perfect place for a talented SP like yourself to kick up her heels and have some serious fun!

       
We really must meet up for champagne and cake, very soon.

       
SP xo

Dear Ms Shoe Princess

       
May I take the liberty of introducing myself. I am head of human resources at Ogdens, London’s newest premier boutique department store, where we pride ourselves on consistently delivering the ultimate retail experience.

       
As a company, we actively encourage our staff members to find innovative ways of keeping abreast of our competitors, in order to deliver product ranges of the highest quality, diversity and style. It is in this capacity that your blog has been brought to my attention by our shoe buyers (all of whom assure me that they are loyal shoe princesses and princes).

       
During the course of the past year, they have noted that sales of certain lines of shoes have increased (fivefold in some instances) in response to your recommendations, for example, Bootylicious, Capsule Shoe Wardrobe, Gain Without Pain, Walk Tall and Toe Tips, to name but a few. Your ‘Shoe Are You’ SP descriptions have also proved to be an invaluable resource, not only to our shoe buyers, but also to our customer-profiling and marketing teams.

       
Ogdens is currently planning a major investment programme in our women’s shoe department. This is in light of consumer-retail intelligence that reveals that footwear sales for British women 35–44 years-old have leapt by nearly 10% in the past 10 years (the so-called Sex and the City effect) with further rises anticipated (especially in boots). We expect that every woman in the country will buy an average of four pairs of shoes this year, reflecting a total cost of more than £625 million or 92 million pairs of shoes. With 2% of women paying £175 or more per pair. Naturally, we’d love as many of these high-end customers as possible to shop at Ogdens.

       
It would be my pleasure to meet you, at your earliest convenience, to see if there might be a way of working together in this exciting new chapter in women’s shoes at Ogdens. (The mum shoes are of particular interest to us, given that one of our shoe buyers purchased a pair and cannot bear to prise them from her feet.)

       
Our human resources policy is to recruit only the very best personnel. And we have remuneration, incentive and family-friendly packages that match our high sales expectations.

       
With Very Best Wishes.

       
Alice Montgomery

       
Ogdens, London W1

This cannot be real.

       
Can it?

Who’d have thought that all those hours spent hunched over my home computer blogging on Shoe Princess, coupled with a lifetime of shoe worship, could lead to this: head of product development – shoes, at Ogdens!

       
I’m still pinching myself.

       
You see, I met Alice the very next day after replying to her email. We talked for hours – about the plans at Ogdens and the many shoe ideas I’ve always got swimming about in my head. Incredibly, she loved everything I said, including the prospect of signing up Marco to produce a new range of Ogdens boots, and getting him to help us find some factories in Milan to make my mum shoes on a bigger scale. (Manolo and Jimmy, watch out!) Florence should be happy too, as I seem to have them seriously thinking about a range of stylish shoe queen shoes for the over-seventies – apparently the marketing department loved the idea of tapping into the silver pound.

       
She offered me the job by the end of my interview. I start in two weeks’ time.

       
It’s all happened so quickly that it honestly feels surreal.

       
Millie’s just about to start two days a week with the local childminder (she was lucky enough to get a spot along with Hugh). And the deal I’ve struck with Ogdens is that I can work full-time (albeit still with flexible hours and home-working options) during the start-up phase, while Tim’s at home. But come the new year – when he (hopefully) finds another job – I’ll (hopefully) hire a full-time staff member to join me, and cut my days back to maybe three per week.

       
That’s the plan anyway.

       
It all depends on what Tim does – he’s so indecisive at the moment. One minute he’s back in full-on corporate mode, and then the next he wants to put the flat on the market and go and live in Tuscany. Alex wasn’t made redundant, as they needed her for her language skills and knowledge of India. But she resigned anyway, as she took the team’s loss quite badly. Apparently, she’s toying with the idea of setting up her own company, and may get Tim and Charlie and a couple of the others on board. Am
really
hoping that Tim can at least wangle one weekday at home with Millie – otherwise I can feel the wheels falling off our tidy little dual-work arrangement before we’ve even had a chance to hit the motorway. (Really don’t want Millie with the childminder any more than two days a week.)

       
And then, of course, in amongst this, there’s been the fall-out from my Marco–Ben debacle. Soon after getting back from Milan, I met Liz and Rachel for a girlie lunch (while Rachel was in town for a work meeting) and ended up telling them about the events and dramas of this past year, and of course Milan  ...

From:        Rachel (work)

To:                Jane (home)

Subject:        Lunch

Darling

       
Wonderful to see you and the blooming Liz – thanks so much for meeting me in Soho (as brief as it was). Pity Fi couldn’t make it. Though probably just as well, as have been musing over our little ‘chat’ and I think you’re being WAY too harsh on yourself: