The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (25 page)

Reason 8: They Have No Accountability

A wonderful and difficult part of intimacy is holding each other accountable. Accountability is wonderful because it is a relational tool that forcefully propels a person along the path toward the-best-version-of-himself or herself. Accountability is an extraordinary stimulus to the improvement of the human person. Whether it is on the football field or in relationships, accountability has a mysterious way of bringing the best out of people. At the same time, accountability is a very difficult aspect of intimacy. It takes great love and courage to hold a person accountable. I say “love” because accountability is one of the best ways we can help others to become the-best-version-version-of-themselves. I say “courage” because it is often easier to overlook a situation where a person has betrayed, or is about to betray, his or her best self.

The eighth reason people don’t have great relationships is that they have no accountability in their relationships. They stay out of each other’s business, so to speak. Intimacy is about being involved, intimately, with each other’s business.

Many couples formulate a plan, but fail because they are unwilling to hold each other accountable to the plan, or unwilling to be held accountable to it themselves.

The truth is, this is one of the most common reasons we don’t put together a plan to begin with. With a plan come responsibility and accountability, and the selfish and lazy part of each and every single one of us despises responsibility and accountability. The lazy and selfish part cries out for spontaneity and freedom, distorting these wonderful qualities in order to deflect responsibility and avoid accountability.

There are people who want to be in a relationship, but don’t want to be in a relationship. Let me translate: they want to be in a relationship, but they don’t want intimacy. They want the convenience and security of having someone around, because otherwise they would be alone, and that would force them to face up to their miserable and pathetic selves. So they avoid being alone at all costs. Instead, they inflict their miserable and pathetic self on someone else, even though they have no real intention of establishing true intimacy. These people will very often avoid and abandon anyone who attempts to hold them accountable.

We all need accountability. It keeps us honest and brings the best out of us. It is a prerequisite for all intimate relationships. People who avoid accountability should themselves be avoided in intimate relationships.

I suggested during our discussion of building a future together that, having established your common purpose, formulated your plan, and had your first dream-making weekend or sessions, you set a date one year away on which you will assess how you are doing. That holds you accountable. For the same reason, I suggested you write down your purpose, goals, dreams, and plan. It keeps you accountable.

“It should be the effort of each to ease and enrich the life of the other. In this way each is safe. Each feels that he is worthwhile; each feels that he is needed.”—Alfred Adler

Reason 9: They Give Up in the Face of Major Challenges

Times of great triumph and celebration rarely improve the character of a person. Good character is usually formed in the furnace of life’s great struggles and challenges. And so it is with relationships. It is easy to be together when everything is wonderful, but our togetherness is tested when life’s trials come knocking on the door of our relationships.

Recently I had breakfast with a dear friend. The past five or six years have been a time of painful growth for her and her family. About six years ago, her husband confided in her that he hated his job and that he felt like he was leading a life of quiet desperation.

My friend had seen his enthusiasm for life slowly draining out of him over the eighteen months preceding his confession, and she didn’t like what it was doing to their relationship or the family. She immediately encouraged him to look for another job; he did so, and soon found one that he thought would bring him greater fulfillment. But almost immediately, he realized that it would be little different from the one he had left. Burdened and troubled by his financial responsibilities—they have four children—he began to despair. They talked more about it as a couple, and my friend encouraged him to go away for a weekend retreat to really think about what he wanted to do.

When he returned, he announced that he would like to start his own business. Ever supportive, she encouraged him. They took a second mortgage on their house and she began to work more at her part-time job to bring in a little extra money during the start-up phase. Only this start-up phase dragged on, and on, and on. All the while, financial pressure was building on this couple. The husband would lie awake at night worrying about it. In the middle of the day, when he was at work and the children were at school, the wife would cry her eyes out, wondering what was going to happen. But all along they talked about it, encouraged each other, and promised each other that they would get through this and that things would work out.

The business never did make it past the start-up phase, and my friend’s husband found himself looking for a job again. This time he found a wonderful job, with a wonderful company, doing something he loves, with people who are a joy to work with. He feels he is making a contribution, his employers make him feel appreciated, and he is earning good money. But what a journey that family has been through.

At breakfast my friend said to me, “I am so proud of him. So many men live their whole lives in that misery and never do anything about it. But he had the courage to stand up and step out and improve his life. It has been tough, but we made it through, and I wouldn’t change it. It has made him a better man, it has made us a better couple, and it has made us a better family.”

It is often the times of great struggle that make us stronger and strengthen the bonds of intimacy. Couples that have great relationships are not the ones that never experience tough challenges, but those that face them together bravely.

The ninth reason that people don’t have great relationships is that they give up when they face major challenges.

“Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers that cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”—Rainer Maria Rilke

Reason 10: They Never Get Quality Coaching

We learn everything from the people with whom we share this world. We learn how to walk by watching others walk. We learn how to talk by hearing others talk. We learn how to ride a bicycle by being taught how to ride a bicycle. Other people instruct us, tell us what we are doing wrong, and encourage us to keep trying. This sort of coaching is invaluable in any human endeavor. What makes us think it wouldn’t be just as valuable in our quest to be part of a great relationship?

The final reason most people never have a great relationship is because they never get quality coaching.

Good coaching is available in thousands of different forms and methods. You are being coached right now. Books change our lives. Books expand our vision of ourselves, and our vision of the world. And good books about relationships expand our vision of relationship.

You may not always have the time to read, so pick up one audio book about relationships each month for the next twelve months. Listen to the books while you are driving around. It’s simple, it’s easy, and you will be amazed by how that one new habit will transform your relationships. How? Not because audio programs are magical, but because human thought is creative: what we think becomes. Whatever you place your attention upon will increase in your life.

Another way to get coaching is to go to a couples counselor. I realize that most people only go to marriage counselors when they have a problem, and you might not have a problem. Perhaps therein lies the problem. Maybe, just maybe, we need this valuable coaching before it is too late. Most people who have been through marriage counseling wish they had seen a counselor before they had a problem. And a great many say they would never have had the problem if they had known what they learned through counseling. How rare do you think it is for a marriage counselor to see a couple that is just trying to improve their marriage? It almost never happens. People come for counseling only when they are ready to divorce or cannot stand to be in the same room with each other anymore.

Retreats and seminars are also a great way to expose your relationship to new ideas and coaching. Ideas change the world. There are any number of examples of this truth. From Plato to Aquinas, from Einstein to Darwin, ideas have been changing the world and the way we live in it. Ideas also change our lives and our relationships. We should make it a priority to constantly feed and fuel our minds with great ideas. Retreats and seminars are an excellent source of new ideas and also a wonderful place to meet others who are trying to improve themselves and their relationships.

The most powerful sources of coaching in relationships are other couples who have great relationships. We learn more from our friends than we ever will from books. Surrounding ourselves with couples who have great relationships exposes us to the ways they relate and interact. By being with couples who have extraordinary relationships, we learn about the love and consideration that nurture true intimacy. This may mean that we will have to expand our circle of friends to include couples much older than we are, for they are usually the ones who have refined the art of loving and the joy of being loved.

Coaching is powerful in every aspect of our lives. Find a coach, or a number of coaches, for whatever areas of your life you want to improve. Don’t overlook coaches who are available through books and tapes, or as presenters at seminars or retreats. Some of your coaches may be friends or professionals. Coaching is invaluable in our quest to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, and we should not overlook the power of coaching in helping us to establish a great relationship.

“Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tide and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love. Then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.”—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

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here you have the main reasons most people never have a great relationship. For the most part, they are disarmingly simple. And their inverse is, too. Invert them, and you will discover ten reasons some people do have great relationships.

Reason 1: They Establish a Common Purpose

Reason 2: They Clearly Define What Makes a Relationship Great

Reason 3: They Agree on a Plan to Establish a Great Relationship

Reason 4: Their Plan Is Realistic

Reason 5: They Believe They Can Achieve Their Goal

Reason 6: They Make It an Absolute Must to Be Part of a Great Relationship

Reason 7: They Persevere and Follow Through

Reason 8: They Hold Each Other Accountable to Their Purpose and Plan

Reason 9: They Don’t Give Up in the Face of Major Challenges

Reason 10: They Get Quality Coaching

 

Vaclav Havel, the Czech dramatist and human rights activist who later became his country’s president, wrote, “I believe that nothing disappears forever, and less so deeds, which is why I believe that it makes sense to try to do something in life, something more than that which will bring one obvious returns.” What could be more worthy of your life than to apply yourself to the task of building a handful of truly beautiful relationships?

 

 

 

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apoleon wrote, “Those who fail to plan can plan to fail.” When I speak to audiences around the world about relationships, I like to begin by asking, “Raise your hand if you don’t want to have a great relationship!”

No one ever does.

People want great relationships, but for all the reasons we have just discussed, millions of people find themselves in mediocre relationships and starved for intimacy. Throughout the book I have tried to emphasize the importance of placing our essential purpose at the center of our lives and at the center of our relationships. This is first among the factors critical for success in relationships. The second critical success factor is formulating a plan. In the previous chapter we discussed the theory behind formulating a plan. In this chapter I would like to approach the plan in a more practical and personal way.

Michael Jordan once commented in an interview, “I visualized where I wanted to be, what kind of player I wanted to become. I knew exactly where I wanted to go, and I focused on getting there.” Behind every great success story there was a plan.

Do you think Ralph Lauren just starts cutting the material for his clothes without a plan? No. He begins by making sketches. From the sketches he comes up with a design. From the design he starts cutting the material. Does he make mistakes? Absolutely. Does the design need to be modified from time to time? Of course it does. The sketches are his plan.

People rarely enter relationships in order to break up. People don’t get married to get divorced. I suspect that most people getting married believe that they will be together forever. And yet more than half of marriages today end in divorce or separation. People don’t fail because they want to fail. People don’t plan to fail, they simply fail to plan, and those who fail to plan can plan to fail.

So if you are really serious about having a great relationship, you have to come up with a plan.

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magine you are single again. If you are single, no imagination required. What does a great relationship look like to you? Most people don’t know what they want in a relationship, so they end up with whatever comes along. Knowing what you want is critical to the planning process.

Now many of you may be thinking, I already have a relationship and I am stuck in it, so what’s the point of imagining that I am single? Sometimes designing without constraints helps us to see what is really important to us, just as dreaming without limits expands our horizons. In the same way, even if you are in a relationship, imagining that you’re single will enable you to see more clearly what you are looking for in a partner and how you may want to transform your existing relationship.

So, imagining that you are single, write down all the qualities you would like your ideal partner to possess. With your ideal partner in mind, answer the following questions:

 

What would the physical traits and level of health of your ideal partner be?

What are some of the emotional qualities that your ideal partner would possess?

What intellectual characteristics would your ideal partner display?

What spiritual beliefs and practices would your ideal partner have?

What would the professional life of your ideal partner involve?

What are his or her hobbies, interests, passions, values, and beliefs?

 

What did you come up with? Most people have a very clear idea of what they don’t want, but find it hard to describe what they do want. But the more you are able to describe what you are looking for, the better your chance of attracting that to your relationship.

There are thousands of qualities you could assign to your ideal spouse, and of course nobody is going to have every one of them (especially not if you have 384 qualities on your list). So, the next step in designing a great relationship is to go through the list of qualities you would like your ideal partner to have and identify those that are nonnegotiable.

Here are some examples of qualities that people have proposed as nonnegotiable in their ideal partners: “integrity,” “someone who takes care of himself or herself,” “a person who looks great whether she is dressed to the nines or in sweats and a T-shirt,” “adventurous,” “a sense of humor,” “active in the community,” “well-read,” “open-minded,” “curious,” “spiritual,” “a good listener,” “nonjudgmental,” “someone who wants to make a difference,” “someone who wants to be a mother,” “someone who wants to be a father,” “intelligent,” “handyman,” “likes the outdoors,” “lives in X city.”

The possibilities are endless! The question is, Which qualities are nonnegotiable for you? List the nonnegotiable qualities you would be looking for in a partner if you were single today.

Have you ever noticed that when you are thinking of buying a particular car, you start to see that car everywhere? This happens because you are focusing on that model, and whatever we give our mental attention to will increase in our lives. We attract to our lives whatever we think about. If we think about the negative, it is the negative we attract. If we think about positive things, it is positive things that we attract. If we think about scarcity, it is scarcity that we attract. And if we think about abundance, it is abundance that we attract. If we think about all the things that we don’t want in a relationship, we attract the things that we don’t want. If we think about what we are looking for in a relationship, we attract the kind of relationship we are looking for. This is why it is so important to be clear about what we are looking for in a relationship. There are few things more powerful than a clear vision. Once you know what you are looking for, you will be amazed how quickly it appears.

Now let’s take a look at what the ultimate relationship looks like for you.

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hat does the ultimate relationship look like for you? How would you treat each other? How would you spend your time together? How do you make each other feel? Again, the more specific you can be the better. Hazy goals produce hazy results. A clear vision is the first step in creating an extraordinary relationship.

Returning to our example of purchasing, or thinking of purchasing, a car. If you just say to yourself, “I want to buy a new car,” you will not raise your consciousness to attract any particular car. Specific intentions produce specific results. Try to describe your ultimate relationship in as much detail as possible.

Again, there are thousands of possibilities. For you the ultimate relationship may include exercising together, cooking together, traveling together, holding each other accountable, praying together, being comfortable expressing affection in public, raising children, taking summer courses at a local college together, taking annual camping trips, continuing a family Thanksgiving tradition, going to church together, helping each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. There is no end to the possibilities.

So having designed the ultimate partner, now take some time and design the ultimate relationship.

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ow let’s look at your existing relationship. If you are single at this time, you may want to do this exercise with your last significant relationship in mind. If that is too painful, choose a relationship that is more comfortably placed in your past.

Being brutally honest with yourself and about yourself, your partner, and your relationship is critical to this exercise. With your existing relationship in mind, answer the following questions.

What are your significant other’s ten best qualities?

Describe ten ways you would like to see your significant other become a-better-version-of-himself or herself.

If you could change three things about your relationship with each other, what would they be?

What effect would these changes have on your relationship?

Do you think your significant other is aware of the advantage of changing these things?

Have you spoken about these things in a positive and proactive way?

Describe ten ways you think your significant other would like you to become a-better-version-of-yourself.

If your significant other is willing to go through the process of answering these questions also, you will have the basis for some very, very healthy conversations. I suggest that he or she read the book first, so that he or she understands the context of designing the ultimate relationship. If your significant other is uncooperative or just unwilling to participate, that may say something about his or her commitment to your relationship or about the way you asked; then again, you may just have caught him or her at the wrong moment.

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f your significant other is willing to read this book and participate, celebrate that. In and of itself, it is a sign of a willingness to build a richer and more abundant future together. In the spirit of cooperation, you are now ready to design a great relationship.

Up until now, we have simply been brainstorming in order to understand a little more deeply and consciously what moves us, what drives us, and what is important to us. Now we can move into the actual design phase and then on to the planning and implementation phase.

If you have not already done so, get each other a journal. Go to the bookstore together, pick out a journal for each other, and sit in the coffee shop and write a brief inscription to each other in the front cover of the journal.

And now, you are ready to design a great relationship for yourselves.

If you are single, there is tremendous value in going through this process on your own. It will help to clarify what you are looking for and what is important to you. A great many people spend years in a difficult relationship and wish they had asked some of these soul-searching questions. Our society often treats singleness like a disease. You should not feel incomplete or deficient because you are single. Our single years are a great opportunity to develop an intimacy with ourselves, which is invaluable later on in our quest to develop a great intimacy with another. Being single is the chance we need to get to know ourselves.

Step 1: Establish a Common Goal.

If you are able to agree that your essential purpose as individuals is to become the-best-version-of-yourselves, then it should be relatively easy to establish that the common purpose and goal of your relationships is to assist each other in that quest. If you are unable to agree that your essential purpose is to become the-best-version-of-yourselves, then that in itself is worthy of a discussion. This discussion should focus on what you believe your essential purpose to be. From there you should move on to establish a clear and common goal for your relationship.

Step 2: Clearly Define What Makes a Relationship Great

Working from your earlier notes, discuss what you each believe to be the essential components of a great relationship. Drawing the best from each of your notes, pull together a brief and cohesive description of what a great relationship between you would look like. In many ways, this is a mission statement for your primary relationship. If done properly, this can be very powerful tool that will help clarify decisions and enable you to remain focused as the weeks and months pass.

Step 3: Agree on a Plan to Establish a Great Relationship

It is important that your plan be both realistic and measurable. For example, don’t make “We will never argue again” part of your action plan. It is unrealistic and may run contrary to your essential purpose and mission statement.

It is also too vague and general to say, “We will be more loving toward each other.” Your action plan must be measurable. At the end of each day, week, month, and year, you must be able to assess objectively whether you have honored the plan you are now creating.

Create an action plan. Try not to make it too extensive or complex; remember, you can come back to it once a month for refinement, and once a year for an overhaul if that’s needed. Once you have created the plan, it is important that you both enthusiastically agree on it.

Before moving on to step number four, take a few moments to review each part of your action plan in relation to your commonly agreed-upon purpose and mission statement in order to make sure you are not contradicting your purpose and mission.

Step 4: Check to Be Sure That Your Plan Is Realistic

If our plan is simple stargazing, then our attempt to rejuvenate, restore, or simply improve our relationship is likely to be very short-lived. Take some time to review the first three steps and ask the following questions: Is the common purpose you agreed upon in step number one realistic? Is the mission statement you co-authored in step number two realistic? Is each step of your action plan realistic? By “realistic” I mean enough of a challenge to stretch you and encourage your relationship to grow, but not so difficult as to discourage you.