The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (24 page)

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reating a lifestyle as a couple that attends to these legitimate needs is no easy task. Most people have a hard enough time working out what their own legitimate needs are, never mind trying to discover the needs of those they love. In order to further this dynamic fulfillment of our legitimate needs, we have to learn the language of our needs and the language of our partner’s needs.

People don’t always say what they want, people don’t always say how they feel, and people rarely say what they need. Much of our relating is done by reacting to each other and to the people, things, and events around us. When we are simply reacting we are in a defensive mode, and either standing still or moving backwards.

The genius of the seventh level of intimacy is that it teaches us to act rather than react. This difference may seem slight or simple, but in the course of our daily lives, and especially in our relationships, it can have an enormous impact. If we can learn to speak and understand the language of needs we will no longer find ourselves discussing or quietly resenting our unfulfillment, but will find that our conversations turn to how we can help each other fulfill our legitimate needs in the future.

The first step is to overcome the foolish notion that our mates should know what we need and when we need it.

Jim has had a tough day. His boss was in from the head office for the day and was nothing but critical of the way Jim is running the regional office. Throughout the day, Jim kept himself going with the thought “I can’t wait to get home, eat a good meal, and just relax watching the basketball game.” But when he arrives home, his wife, Susan, announces that tonight they are going to finalize the guest list for their daughter’s wedding. Jim immediately becomes uncooperative, resentful, and moody. Susan thinks this is about the invitation list, but of course it has nothing to do with that.

Jim knew what he needed, but he failed to communicate it. It would have been easy enough for him to pick up the phone midafternoon and tell Susan, “Listen, honey, I’m having a very stress-filled day. I really need to just enjoy a quiet meal with you tonight and relax.” Had he done so, his wife would be aware of his needs. But without this communication she has no idea that he has had a tough day at the office.

On any other day, Jim might bound through the door full of energy, expecting Susan to be ready to go running with their dog as they usually do. But on this particular day she has had an argument with a friend and isn’t in the mood to do much but sit and talk through her hurt. Jim won’t know that unless she tells him. All it takes is a phone call to say, “Jim, I really need to just sit and talk this evening when you get home. I don’t feel like running with the dog and I can’t muster the energy to cook dinner.”

Now Jim knows her needs. “No problem. We can just sit around and have a drink and talk, and then I’ll cook us up something for dinner. Or, if you’d prefer, we could just order a pizza!”

These are examples of needs that emerge from circumstances, but perhaps more important to know and understand are our everyday needs.

The simplest things can radically affect our effectiveness in relationships and our happiness in general. For example, if I don’t get eight hours’ sleep more than a couple of nights in a row, I become irritable, moody, easily distracted, and generally ineffective. My need for sleep is legitimate, and my staff and the people I love know that I shouldn’t be kept up late or scheduled too early unless absolutely necessary.

Over the years I have also become aware of how demanding life on the road can be for my staff. It has become apparent that when the schedule becomes busier and more stressful, my staff’s need for exercise increases. An adrenaline-pumped hour each afternoon can make all the difference six weeks into a speaking tour. I know they need it to thrive; it is my job to see that they have it, and to encourage them to push themselves when they would rather just take an hour nap.

This is seventh-level intimacy: knowing, recognizing, and honoring each other’s legitimate needs. This is the pinnacle of relations between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, parents and child, employee and employer, and in any other relationship that you deem worthy of intimacy.

The seventh level is not about you fulfilling your partner’s needs and neglecting your own. It is about the gentle, and sometimes not so gentle, give and take of sharing, knowing, and striving to fulfill each other’s needs. This seventh level requires a thoughtfulness that is beyond ego-driven behavior.

Here in the seventh level we see the culmination of all that we have learned and discovered about ourselves and each other throughout the process.

The first level taught us about clichés. In the seventh level we recognize that when someone we love resorts to clichés, something is wrong—there is a need, a hurt, or a barrier that must be addressed.

The second level taught us to honor each other’s personal history, and to be continually trying to learn more about each other’s lives before we met and more about the time we have spent apart since we met.

The third level taught us to accept each other despite differing opinions and expectations. This acceptance opened the door to the deep levels of intimacy, by allowing us to be comfortable sharing our hopes and dreams, our feelings, and our faults, fears, and failures.

The simplicity of the model can be deceiving, in that we may not realize how far we have come or how much has been covered in each of these seven levels. But the carefree timelessness that allows us to move from the first to the second level also enriches every level along the way.

The sharing of our personal facts and history, which allows us to move beyond the mundane aspect of level two, also helps us to understand something about why we feel what we feel, dream what we dream, fear what we fear, and need what we need.

Level three teaches us how to agree and disagree in ways that bring life to our relationships, rather than destroying enthusiasm and creating resentments. The acceptance that breaks down our prejudices and biases in level three helps us to recognize that we are all at different places in the journey and prepares us to love each other for where we are right now. This allows us to set aside our individual egos and form a collective ego, and now the real journey together begins.

Realizing that our fates are connected, we then learn in level four how important it is to set aside selfish desire if our collective hopes and dreams are to be realized. But we also discover the need for individual hopes and dreams and how to help each other pursue these. Most of all, the wisdom of the fourth level affirms that no worthy dream can be achieved without a willingness to delay gratification at some points along the way.

The power of being vulnerable and learning to express our feelings in ways that are healthy to us as individuals is the gift of the fifth level.

The sixth level of intimacy encourages the wisdom to admit our faults and failings in order to build a richer and more abundant future. Here, we also learn the importance of forgiving others, accepting forgiveness from other people, and forgiving ourselves.

At every step along the way, we are creating a more cohesive lifestyle, one that allows us to thrive as individuals and that allows our relationships to thrive. In many ways, the first six levels provide the tools for us to be able to communicate and participate in each other’s lives in a way that truly helps both of us become the-best-versions-of-ourselves.

In the seventh level of intimacy, we recognize that it is not what we want that is most important, but rather what we need. Only then, enriched by the wisdom of the seventh level, do we actively stop seeking the attainment of our illegitimate wants and begin to genuinely pursue the fulfillment of our legitimate needs.

This collaboration that leads two people to create a lifestyle focused on the mutual fulfillment of legitimate needs is the incarnation of intimacy. With our backs turned on the philosophy of “What’s in it for me?” and our hearts set on the philosophy of “How can I help you to become all you were created to be?,” our relationships become flooded with thoughtfulness. And where two thoughtful people come together to honor and help each other, there you will find a deep and abiding love.

Though at times they are the result of unreasonable expectations, anger, resentment, discontentedness, and frustration are often signs that our needs are not being met. Learn to listen to your anger, frustration, and stress. They are trying to tell you something. Is there an unmet legitimate need crying out from within them?

The seven levels of intimacy constitute a wonderful adventure, one that we are constantly taking. Every time we enter one of the levels it seems new and different, because we are new and different since we were last there. Our needs change and our dreams change, our feelings and opinions change, and as they do, so does the world around us.

There is a saying in the Talmud: “Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow.’” That is what I hope to be to the people I love: an angel of encouragement. That is what I hope the seven levels of intimacy will be for you: an angel of encouragement. That is what I hope you will be to others: an angel of encouragement.

From time to time, we all need to be encouraged. It is encouragement from those we love that gives us courage when we are afraid, hope when we are in despair, light when it appears that darkness will prevail, faith when we are consumed by doubt, joy when it seems that sorrow has overcome us, and peace when unrest holds our hearts hostage.

 

 

 

 

 

W
HO
W
ANTS A
G
REAT
R
ELATIONSHIP
?

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ho would say no to a great relationship? Everyone wants one, but only a rare few ever experience it. Ever year, tens of thousands of young men dream of playing basketball for an NBA team, but less than one-tenth of one percent ever realize their dream. Most people would like to be wealthy, and still, 10 percent of Americans own and control 90 percent of U.S.-traded stocks.

The first time I read the following, I was amazed. It is the last line of what is considered Spinoza’s greatest work, his
Ethics
. Spinoza was a seventeenth-century Jewish-born Dutch philosopher. While I certainly don’t agree with all he wrote, the last line of this work offers an insight that is astoundingly enlightening to all those who strive to succeed in any field:

“All great things are as difficult to achieve as they are rare to find.”

This is the great truth we often overlook when we gaze upon extraordinary success. Great wealth is as difficult to achieve as it is rare to find; that is why only a few possess it. Great sporting talent is as difficult to achieve as it rare to find; that is why only a few possess it and hundreds of thousands gather to watch them display it. Great relationships are as difficult to achieve as they are rare to find; and that is why, while we would all like to have one, so few ever experience any measure of a truly great relationship.

Behind all great success, you find men and woman with a greater desire and discipline than the rest. One of the reasons people don’t have great relationships is not because they don’t want one; it’s just that they don’t want it badly enough.

But there is no one reason why people don’t have great relationships. Let’s take a look at ten reasons. You will discover that they are quite simple, which is very often the reason we overlook or neglect them. They are prescriptions that are very often misplaced in the middle of a culture that worships complexity. Does your life need any more complexity? Does your relationship need any more complexity? Our lives are in desperate need of a little simplicity.

Many people say they want love, but they actually do everything in their power to avoid it. Many people say that they want intimacy desperately, but they actually do everything in their power to avoid it. Many, many people say that they desperately want a great relationship while doing everything in their power to avoid or sabotage one.

Let’s take a look at 10 reasons people don’t have a great relationships.

T
HE
T
EN
R
EASONS

Reason 1: They Don’t Establish a Common Purpose

Most people meet someone, become infatuated, fall in love, date, and marry, without ever taking the time to discuss or explore the purpose of their relationship. As a result, they are constantly disoriented in their relationship, which is always being driven to and fro by the conflicting and competing winds of individual egos and selfish desires.

Our essential purpose is the foundation upon which we build a life filled with passion and purpose. You are here to become the-best-version-of-yourself. This essential purpose also provides the common purpose for every relationship, which is to help each other become the-best-versions-of-ourselves. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is between husband and wife, parent and child, friend and friend, neighbor and neighbor, or business executive and customer. The first purpose, obligation, and responsibility of a relationship is to help each other achieve our essential purpose.

“The most empowering relationships are those in which each partner lifts the other to a higher possession of their own being.”—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Reason 2: They Don’t Clearly Define What Makes a Relationship Great

We have diverse visions and different ideas about what makes a great relationship. Most people never define what it would take for them to feel that they have a great relationship. As a natural consequence, they never find that relationship. If you don’t know what you are looking for, you will never find it. Worse still, even if you do find it, you will not recognize it.

Often, another person’s primary relationship may seem fantastic to you or me. We may even be quietly envious of it. But the person we envy is dissatisfied, even miserable. Why? Because we all have differing visions of what makes up a great relationship.

What’s your vision of a great relationship?

What would it take for you to be fulfilled in your relationship?

When you ask most people these questions, they either can’t say or they give some random and superficial answer. The reality is, they have never taken the time to think this through.

“The thing has already taken form in my mind before I begin. The first attempts are absolutely unbearable. I say this because I want you to know that if you see something worthwhile in what I am doing, it is not by accident but because of real direction and purpose.”—Vincent Van Gogh

Reason 3: They Make It a Moving Target

No plan, no purpose, just a moving target. There is no chance of finding fulfillment in this scenario, only dissatisfaction. When we don’t take the time to establish what makes a great relationship for us, we are constantly window shopping. Driven by our whims, cravings, ego, and self-centered interests, our vision of what makes a great relationship changes every day.

Under these circumstances, we are never satisfied, we keep moving the goalposts, and this creates enormous dissatisfaction in us and a great frustration in our partner. It would be as if we were playing football, and just after the play has taken place the end zone was moved. It would be as if every time you kicked, the goalposts were moved while the ball was still in the air.

Is your relationship constantly trying to hit a moving target?

This is why it is so important to step back for a moment, look at the big picture, and take your time in formulating your vision of a great relationship.

It goes without saying that we will always keep changing and growing, always striving to better ourselves, but there has to be a point where we can say, “We’ve got a great relationship.” There have to be times of celebration as our relationships improve. There have to be times of gratitude for the distance that has been covered, for the changes that have been achieved. At these times we are able to say, “Let’s continue to fine-tune our relationship. We have a really good thing; let’s do whatever it takes to sustain it.”

Without a clearly defined purpose for their relationship, and in the absence of any real plan, most people are set up for disappointment. Without the focus that a purpose and plan bring to our lives and relationships, most people become irritable, restless, and discontented. The reason is that without a commonly agreed upon purpose and plan we become disoriented, and everything becomes a moving target.

“It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident, or time, or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you.”—Lillian Hellman

Reason 4: They Make It Seem Impossible

The fourth reason most people don’t have great relationships is that they make it seem impossible. They define a great relationship in unrealistic terms—for example, as one where a couple never argues, or has no unresolvable problems.

People with this unrealistic vision have forgotten that their significant other is first and foremost an individual with likes and dislikes, with preferences and opinions, with a past that is rich in experiences and education that may be vastly different from their own. Above all, they have forgotten that no human being is perfect or programmable.

If you define a great relationship as one without any unresolvable problems, or one without any conflict, then you are setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. You may convince yourself that your significant other is the cause of your frustration, but you are the cause of your own frustration. Your frustration is the fruit of your misguided expectations. Your frustration represents the gap between your unrealistic expectations and imperfect reality.

Strive to become the-best-version-of-yourself and strive to have a great relationship, but make allowances in your planning and goal setting for the wondrous imperfections and limitations of the human person.

“A great deal of talent and opportunity is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.”—Sydney Smith

Reason 5: They Don’t Believe

We live in an age when many people believe that faith is impractical and sentimental. The truth is we live by faith, and cannot live long without it. Most of us drive down the road every day. We have faith that the people driving in the other direction will stay on their side of the road. Our lives are filled with thousands of these simple beliefs, and they make our lives work. If we didn’t believe, if we didn’t have faith that the oncoming drivers would indeed stay on their side of the road, we would be paralyzed by fear. Fear is the natural response to the absence of faith, and indeed, the result of the absence of faith.

The fifth reason people don’t have great relationships is that they make their vision of what makes a great relationship so grand and unrealistic that they never really
believe
that they can achieve it, so they don’t even try. It all seems too hard, too high, and too far. “Why bother?” they say to themselves. These are often the cynics, the skeptics, and the critics.

Create a vision. Establish the purpose of your relationship. Commit to a plan that is realistic and commonly agreed upon. Believe. For without belief no good thing was ever accomplished.

“Faith is an excitement and an enthusiasm: it is a condition of intellectual magnificence to which we must cling as to a treasure…one that should never be squandered.”—George Sand

Reason 6: They Never Make It an Absolute Must

If you needed a great relationship to survive, you would have one. If you needed a relationship the way you need air to breathe or water to drink, you would be in a great relationship right now. Most people are more interested in simply surviving than they are in thriving. Most people have what they
must
have, not what they would like to have.

Reason number six is that they never make it an absolute must to have a great relationship. If you took a few minutes to sit down and write out all the ways a great relationship would cause you to flourish and thrive, then establishing such a great relationship would likely become significantly more important to you. If you keep pondering the ways a great relationship would transform you and your life, at some point you would come to the conclusion that you must have a great relationship.

Those who never reflect in this way live their lives thinking or saying, “I wish I had a great relationship,” or “It would be nice to have a great relationship,” or “I hope that happens to me one day.” They describe people who have great relationships as lucky. They never make it an absolute must to have a great relationship.

Great relationships are as difficult to achieve as they are rare to find. They are not achieved by luck or chance. They don’t just show up and are never convenient. Couples with great relationships decide that they are unwilling to live without a dynamic collaboration. They make it a must. They treasure their relationship above all the fleeting and superficial things that most of us give our time and attention to, for they realize that a dynamic relationship causes them to thrive in the emotional aspect of their lives, and encourages and challenges them to thrive in the physical, intellectual, and spiritual aspects. They have discovered their natural yearning for intimacy, and they are living out the dream of that intimacy.

You’ve got the relationship you must have, not the one you should have, or the one you’d like to have. Only when you realize that you can’t live and thrive without a great relationship will you seriously begin to take steps toward establishing one. You’ve got to make it a must!

“‘Come to the edge,’ he said. They said, ‘We are afraid.’ ‘Come to the edge,’ he said again. They came. He pushed them…and they flew.”—Guillaume Apollinaire

Reason 7: They Don’t Follow Through

Some people never have a great relationship because they create an unrealistic plan. Others fail even though they have a realistic plan, and the reason is that they simply don’t follow through.

Every year, millions of people make New Year’s resolutions, and more than 90 percent of them fail to keep these resolutions for the first month of the year. Some fail because their plan is unrealistic, but most fail because they simply don’t follow through. Most people have a fairly good sense of what new habits would significantly impact their lives in a healthy way. They make resolutions, but fail to transform the resolutions into habits.

We don’t follow through for a plethora of reasons, but usually they boil down to the fact that we just don’t want it badly enough. We put off having a great relationship. We attend to other things of relative insignificance and ignore the plan we made that would help us create a great relationship.

“I have never known a really successful man who deep in his heart did not understand the grind, the discipline it takes to win.”—Vince Lombardi