The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (12 page)

I’m no slouch on the tennis court, but my friend Ken can make me work for it every time we play, and he is almost twice my age. He is a great athlete and has a competitive spirit, and I love that. I love being around people who can stretch me beyond my comfort zone in any area of life. Ken is one of them and I am always energized when we spend time together.

Mark is a relatively young man of extraordinary accomplishment in the world of business; he is constantly assisting me in two ways that I greatly value. First, he challenges me to spend my time on the things that matter most, to focus on my areas of genius and employ capable people to do whatever isn’t within those areas.

Second, Mark also has a rare understanding of my work and is constantly encouraging me to refine the vision for the foundation. Mark is constantly asking, “What will The Matthew Kelly Foundation be doing a hundred years from now?” His is a powerful friendship.

Friendship is powerful when we approach it trying to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. In one way or another, all of my friends are better people than I. That’s what makes them great friends. The sheer gravity of their character draws me toward the-best-version-of-myself. Sooner or later, we rise or fall to the level of our friendships. Surround yourself with people who are better than you in a hundred different ways and allow the force of their character to inspire you to change, grow, and strive to become the-best-version-of-yourself.

How should we choose our friends? Upon what criteria should we choose a partner? Choose with the best-version-of-yourself in mind. Place your essential purpose at the center of your life and make every decision with your essential purpose in mind.

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n the first part of this book we have covered a lot of relationship territory. We have also asked many soul-searching questions. I hope that the questions I have raised have caused you to put the book down and think from time to time. In the days and weeks ahead, I hope those questions continue to prod at you. Questions are an important part of the human experience.

Sometimes you read things that are so clear, and so real, and so true, that they change you even as you read them. Every writer dreams of writing in such a way. If you have ever read something that touched you so powerfully and moved you so instantly, you can remember the very place you were sitting when you read it. I have had many experiences like this; if you were to look along the shelves that hold the books that have touched me most deeply, I could tell you where I bought them and where I was when I first read them.

I was on an evening flight out of Los Angeles, bound for Sydney, when James Allen’s
As a Man Thinketh
first made me sit up straight and think. Hemingway first captured me in this way with
A Moveable Feast
during a weekend getaway in Palm Beach. Sometimes a whole book can have this effect on you; at other times, you may be struck by a phrase or a paragraph. I was in my final year of high school when I first read the whispered cry Joseph Conrad put in the mouth of Mr. Kurtz just before he died as he looked back on his life in
Heart of Darkness:
“The horror! The horror!”

But I bring all this up now because of something I read last year. The week before, I was having lunch with my agent and we were talking about books that had profoundly impacted our lives. In the course of the conversation he had mentioned Hugh Prather’s
Notes to Myself
. I hadn’t read it—I had never heard of Hugh Prather—and I was curious, so I ordered a copy online later that day.

When the book arrived, I sat in the large leather chair in my study where I write. As I turned back the cover of the small paperback and flipped through the pages to assess the landscape ahead, I remember thinking, “This is my kind of book.” I don’t know why I thought that; perhaps it was the way the thoughts were generously placed on the pages. But that is the sort of thing you remember when you read something that changes you even as you read it.

I only read one page of Prather that day, the first page. Fifty-five words, actually. I read it. Then I read it again. Then I sat there for a very long time and just thought about it. I don’t know why it struck me the way it did, but I find it is particularly relevant to our conversation now.

The contrast is powerful between the ways we complicate life with our “self-styled obligations” and the simple pleasures like listening to “rain on the roof” and putting our arms around the one we love. But it is at the moment when regret unexpectedly collides with a new chance and hope for the future that I am changed each time I read this piece. It changes me as I read it. It reminds me of what is most important and realigns my priorities.

It’s not too late, and that is wonderful. Whatever problems your relationships contain, it is not too late. Simply remember this: if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

It’s not too late. Not too late to be together, not too late to be apart. Not too late to go boldly out into the world and pursue the-best-version-of-yourself!

Every moment is just another chance to turn it all around. It’s not too late, and that is a truly wonderful thing.

 

 

 

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he opposite of love is not hatred. The opposite of love is indifference. Hatred is an extreme that destroys only a handful of relationships, but indifference destroys millions. Hatred isn’t responsible for the slow poisoning of relationships that we see and experience all around us in the world today. Indifference is poisoning our relationships. Indifference is driving a wedge between husband and wife, parent and child, friend and neighbor, employee and employer.

“Whatever!” Think about this simple expression, which has become one of the most common colloquialisms of our age. “Whatever!” has become the creed of a whole generation. What does it mean? It means “I don’t care.” It means “Leave me alone.” It means “I can’t be bothered.” It means “I am indifferent.”

Indifference is the most destructive force at work in our modern lives and relationships.

Where there is indifference, there is no passion. Indifference destroys all energy and enthusiasm for the great pursuits of life. Where there is indifference, there is no sense of purpose. Nonpurpose is the purpose of indifference. When we become indifferent to the passions and purpose of our lives, we begin to lead what Thoreau described as lives of quiet desperation. When couples and partners become indifferent to each other, indifferent to the passions and purpose of their relationship, their relationship very quickly becomes a place of misery.

The opposite of indifference is love. Indifference separates; love unites. Indifference doesn’t care; love cares deeply. Indifference is hopeless; love is full of hope. Indifference is cynical; love believes. Indifference despairs; love rejoices. Indifference cannot be bothered; love gets involved. Indifference is scarcity; love is abundance. Indifference is tired; love is energetic.

Hatred is not the great enemy of our relationships; it is indifference we must all reckon with if we are going to pursue and have dynamic relationships. When you meet this indifference in a person whom you care about deeply, it is like trying to walk through emotional quicksand. You don’t know what indifference is until you have deeply loved a person who is indifferent to you and your relationship.

What is the cure for indifference? Love. But let me warn you now, lest you form an illusion that will later be your undoing, that to love a person out of indifference requires the patience of Job.

Indifference represents soulless living. Love is the fruit of soulful living.

We must turn our attention to soulful living in every area of our lives, not just in the area of relationships. Soulful living sets us free from the great indifference that has beset so many good men and women of our age. Soulful living liberates us from desperation.

Our culture tries desperately to convince us, with the full force of advertising and the media, of the myth that fun, excitement, pleasure, and the constant purchasing of possessions will free us from this desperation. But in truth, these things only mask the problem, making us feel the desperation ever more deeply.

Soulful living liberates us from the disease of indifference. Soulful living sets us free from the chains of quiet desperation. We must therefore ask ourselves, What does it mean to live soulfully? What does it mean to have soulful relationships?

Everything we do every day can be done soulfully, if we approach it with our essential purpose in mind. Most of us spend our whole lives working, and most people are miserable in their work. Why? Some would have you believe that it is because their work is not exciting enough, others would say it is because they don’t earn enough money, and others yet would try to convince you it is because their work is meaningless. The reality is that they fail to connect their work with their essential purpose.

Everything has value only inasmuch as it helps you and me become the-best-version-of-ourselves. Granted, some work is, in and of itself, more meaningful than other work. Feeding the starving people of Africa or developing a cure for cancer would seem objectively more meaningful to most people than cleaning the streets. But any honest work can become infinitely meaningful when we connect it with our essential purpose. Even the most meaningless work, if honest, can be infused with the meaning of our essential purpose.

If a man sweeps the streets for his entire life, but every day he works hard, works well, and pays attention to the details of his work, he will become a-better-version-of-himself through that work. Another man, who serves as president of a large corporation, earning enormous amounts of money, but at the same time is consumed by greed and laziness, will become a-lesser-version-of-himself with every passing day. Which man has more meaningful work? The street cleaner’s work is infinitely more meaningful than the executive’s. The value of every activity should be measured by how it affects our essential purpose. In this example, there is no question that the street cleaner is living more soulfully than the businessman.

Exercise is soulful. Eating foods that fuel and energize the body is soulful. When we take care of ourselves physically, we live soulfully. Emotional vitality is a sign of soulfulness. Reading great books is soulful. Soulful people have intellectual curiosity. Tending to our souls, exploring the life of the spirit, is soulful living.

Soulful living animates the human person—it brings us to life—and soulful living is achieved by connecting the seemingly trivial activities of our everyday lives with our essential purpose. Washing the car is just washing the car, until you decide to do it to the best of your ability because doing so will help you become the-best-version-of-yourself. Cooking dinner for your family is just cooking dinner for your family, until you decide to do it to the best of your ability and to make a meal that will help you all become the-best-version-of-yourselves.

Even the most trivial activities of our lives take on great meaning when we approach them with our essential purpose in mind.

We need to bring this soulfulness to our relationships. Even the smallest acts should be done with an absolute commitment to the essential purpose of relationships. What does it mean to love a person? To love a person means to do everything within your power to help that person become the-best-version-of-herself, and never to do anything that would hinder her from achieving this great essential purpose. There is no room for indifference in a soulful relationship. Living soulfully means doing everything with your essential purpose in mind. Soulful relationships revolve around helping each other become the-best-version-of-yourselves. And soulful relationships require soulful people. You cannot be soulful in your primary relationship if you are not soulful with your children. You cannot be soulful with your lover if you do not approach your work soulfully. You cannot turn soulful living on and off. Soulfulness is a way of life, which once tasted becomes an obsession.

Soulful people have large and generous hearts, and they lavish their love without discrimination upon the people who wander into their lives. They live in a world of appreciation and abundance, they energize those who cross their path, and their love of life is contagious.

Are you living soulfully?

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hile I was writing this book, a young man approached me after one of my seminars to seek my counsel. He was twenty-seven years old; he worked hard, loved his wife and was faithful to her, and had three wonderful children whom he loved very much. Two weeks earlier, his wife had told him that she wanted a divorce. When he asked her why, she told him that she didn’t love him anymore. He asked her whether there was someone else, and she said there wasn’t. Then he asked her whether it was something he had done, and she told him that it wasn’t his fault, that he was a good father and a good husband, but that she just didn’t love him anymore. It’s a sad situation, and a common one.

Love is not a feeling. From when we are very young, through powerful mediums such as movies and music, we are conditioned to believe that it is. The result of this conditioning is that we allow our actions to be dictated by our feelings. Rather than asking ourselves whether a particular person is going to help us become our best self, we simply allow our feelings to take us wherever they will at any particular moment. And I don’t know whether you’ve noticed it, but feelings are one of the most inconsistent aspects of the human person.

Our feelings shouldn’t direct our actions and our lives. Our actions should be driven by our hopes, values, and aspirations; above all, they should be driven by our essential purpose. People who are driven by feelings are dangerous. They are undisciplined, inconsistent, and unreliable. But people who are driven by their values and a clear understanding of their essential purpose are to be treasured. They are disciplined, consistent, and reliable.

So if you want to be surrounded by people who are inconsistent and unreliable, choose your friends, your colleagues, your employees, and your significant other on the basis of feelings. But if you want to be surrounded by people who are consistent and reliable, choose friends, colleagues, employees, and a significant other who live value-driven lives—they will help you become the-best-version-of-yourself.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go, and if we choose to base our most important relationships on how we feel at any particular moment, we are in for a rough and rocky journey. Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is something we do, not something that happens to us.

Stephen Covey tells a great story. On this particular day he had been presenting a series of talks about proactivity, which is, basically, the idea that “as human beings we are responsible for our lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.” After his presentation, Covey was approached by a man who said, “Stephen, I like what you’re saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”

“The feeling isn’t there anymore?” Covey asked.

“That’s right,” the man reaffirmed. “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” Covey replied.

“I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”

“Love her.”

“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”

“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, ‘love’ is a verb. Love—the feeling—is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

Our modern culture equates intimacy with sex and proclaims that love is a feeling. On both counts we are being massively deceived, and we shouldn’t allow such misguided philosophies to determine the direction of our lives. Sex is only the shadow of intimacy; feelings are just the aroma of the flower we call love…and flowers are not always in bloom.

Love is a choice, and the only truly sensible choice in any situation. Sometimes choosing love means staying together; sometimes it means breaking up. Sometimes choosing love means allowing your child to have what he wants, and sometimes it means denying your child. At times, choosing love means comforting a friend in a difficult situation, while at other times choosing love means telling your friend things she would prefer not to hear.

Love is a choice, and a difficult choice, especially when it means not giving someone what she wants or not telling someone what he wants to hear. Giving people what they want and telling people what they want to hear are easy, compared with choosing love.

Every moment is an opportunity to choose love. The heartache begins when we choose to love and our love is rejected, misunderstood, or, perhaps most painfully, not reciprocated.

You can only choose to love. You cannot determine whether someone else will love you. But if in every situation you choose to love, nothing and no one can ever diminish you. Others may choose not to love you in return, but that doesn’t diminish you. Their failure to love is their failure alone and diminishes only themselves.

When you choose not to love, you commit a grave crime against yourself. You may hold back your love to spite another person, or in an attempt to hurt another person. Withholding love is a bit like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You may hold back your love in the name of security or safety, but these are only illusions, and in time you will stand as a dwarf compared to the person you could have potentially become if you had chosen love.

Love is a choice. When we choose love, our spirit expands. When we choose not to love, our spirit shrivels.

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ove is a choice, and an important one, because we become what we love. People who love money become cold and detached. People who love drugs and alcohol become poisonous themselves. When we love others who are selfish and thoughtless we, too, tend to become selfish and thoughtless. And when we love people who are selfless, kind, generous, humble, compassionate, and mindful of the needs of others, we too become selfless, kind, generous, humble, compassionate, and mindful of the needs of others. We become what we love.