The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (4 page)

This common purpose is the foundation of spiritual intimacy. We may have investigated the physical aspect of the human person, we may have delved into the emotional and psychological aspect of the human person, and we may have a reasonable understanding of the intellectual faculties and capacities of the human person, but the make-up and potential of the spiritual aspect of the human person in many ways remains uncharted territory. The reason is that our spiritual potential is both difficult to explore and easy to neglect.

In the area of spiritual intimacy, there is one trap that we can easily fall into whether we consider ourselves spiritual people or not. In relationships, especially if we find ourselves in an extraordinary relationship, we can find ourselves exposed to a rare type of idolatry. By no means a thing of the past, idolatry occurs when we misplace our priorities. There is a natural order, to which most people are oriented: God, family, friends, work, recreation, and so on. If we find ourselves in a relationship with a person who is able to fulfill us in ways we have not previously known, the danger is to love the gift more than the giver of the gift.

Spiritual intimacy is best approached as an open-minded adventure in which we seek to discover the truth of every situation and to apply that truth as we strive to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

In a world of stereotypes and sound bites, when we speak of spirituality it is easy to conjure images of incense burning and light instrumental music playing in the background. This is to tragically overlook the real work of spirituality, which is to grow in virtue so as to achieve our essential purpose (become the-best-version-of-ourselves). The role of spirituality in relationships is to provide the tools necessary to help us grow in virtue.

Virtue makes all respectful relationships possible. Two patient people will have a better relationship than two impatient people. Two generous people will have a better relationship than two selfish people. Two forgiving people will have a better relationship than two people who choose to hold grudges and refuse to forgive. A considerate couple will have a better relationship than an inconsiderate couple. Two faithful people will always have a better relationship than two unfaithful people. Two disciplined people will always have a better relationship than two undisciplined people.

Virtue makes for great relationships.

Why? Virtue is the foundation of character. You can build your life on the foundation of virtues such as patience, kindness, humility, gentleness, forgiveness, and love. Or you can build your life on the foundation of whims, cravings, fancies, illegitimate wants, and selfish desires. The former will create a life of passion and purpose, while the later will create an irritable, restless, and discontented life.

Is virtue out of date? Only if we are no longer interested in having great relationships.

In our relationships, we have to make the same choice: to build upon a foundation of virtue, or upon a foundation of selfishness. If we choose to base our relationships upon the foundation of a common goal to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, and understand that the best way to pursue this goal is by growing in virtue, then our relationship will likely be marked with joyfulness and contentedness. On the other hand if we choose to build our relationships on our unsteady and ever shifting whims, cravings, and self-centered desires, our relationship will more than likely be marked by an irritable, restless, and discontented spirit.

Of course, if we have already started building a relationship on the shifting grounds of personal pleasure rather than the solid ground of common purpose, it may be necessary to demolish certain parts of the relationship in order to build a stronger foundation. This process is a painful one and requires an enormous discipline and commitment on the part of both people, because it is all too easy to return to our previous patterns.

Spiritual intimacy is the most rewarding form of intimacy and the hardest to achieve. Once you have tasted spiritual intimacy you will discover that physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy, while breathtaking in their own right, do not belong in the same realm as spiritual intimacy. You will also discover that as you and your partner grow in spiritual intimacy, your experience of physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy will also be heightened. At the core of the human person is the soul, and it yearns to be fed and nurtured.

In our quest for intimacy we must move beyond our preoccupation with the physical and understand what each of the four aspects has to contribute to our relationships. Physical intimacy is limited. But emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacies are limitless, and relatively unexplored. And, truth be told, if you truly wish to experience the upper reaches of physical intimacy you must first explore and develop the depths of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy.

We should pay careful attention, especially if we are just beginning a relationship, to see that we grow steadily in each of the four areas of intimacy. The danger is that we develop one type of intimacy very quickly and neglect the other forms. This imbalance creates a distortion in our relationship.

Allow me to draw this comparison as an example. Sometimes a young woman who is very beautiful learns quickly that people pay more attention to her than to others, are more willing to be of assistance, want to please her, and in many cases will give her whatever she wants—simply because she is very beautiful. At the time, the young woman thinks this is wonderful; her friends, too, may crave the attention that is being showered upon her. But in time it begins to stunt her growth in other areas. She begins to overvalue her physical appearance, becomes preoccupied with it, and begins to view reality in relation to her physical beauty. As a result, she neglects other aspects of her personal development, which over time will create a distortion in her character. The same thing can, of course, happen to a young man. The point is that each of the four aspects of a person should be nurtured equally. It is the maturity of all four that creates harmony and fulfillment for the whole person.

Another very common abuse takes place among people who consider themselves religious or spiritual. They may pursue their spirituality with reckless abandon, but neglect their physical, emotional, and intellectual aspects. The result is, again, a distortion of character.

The same thing happens in relationships. When physical intimacy is established too quickly, we may think it is wonderful, but almost immediately it begins to stunt the growth of the relationship. We begin to overvalue physical intimacy, become preoccupied with it, and begin to judge and value our relationship on the basis of physical intimacy. As a result, we neglect the nurturing of the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of the relationship, and over time that neglect will create a distortion in its very character.

Intimacy is sharing the journey to become the-best-version-of-ourselves with another person. It is a mutual self-revelation that takes place gradually, cannot be rushed, and can only be realized by the commitment of time. Most of all, it is critical that we recognize that intimacy cannot be confined merely to the physical realm, or to any one other realm. So, as we journey through the seven levels of intimacy in part two of this book, it is important for us to pay attention to the way each level of intimacy affects the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of our relationships.

G
ETTING
C
OMFORTABLE WITH
O
URSELVES

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ach year I visit more than a hundred cities in the United States as part of my regular speaking schedule, and in most of those cities I will visit a high school. One of my favorite topics in that setting is choices and how they affect our lives. After a short introduction, I usually ask the students what they think the biggest choices they will make in the next fifteen years will be. They always cite the same things: which college to go to, what career to pursue, and whom to marry.

I then ask them how they are going to choose a college, a career, and a spouse. When we discuss the criteria they will use to choose a spouse, the answers usually range from “a great body” to “a lot of money” and from “common interests” to “a good sense of humor.” All in all, I am amazed at how peer-driven and insecure so many young people are today, in a world where they have more opportunities than any generation before them.

Some time ago, at an all-girls’ high school in Louisville, Kentucky, our discussion turned to the importance of being comfortable with ourselves. Our culture sends both young men and young women many distorting messages about how to look and act and live. I believe our culture is particularly cruel in this way toward women; the messages that are constantly being conveyed in movies, in magazines, and on television can be tremendously damaging to a young woman’s psyche and sense of self.

One of the young women asked, “So, how do you learn to be comfortable with yourself?”

“You have to learn to enjoy your own company,” I replied. “Before you can learn to be with someone else, you need to learn to be alone. Until you are comfortable being with yourself, you will always be afraid of being alone.

“If you are not comfortable alone, if you are not comfortable in your own company, there is a great danger you will end up hanging out with the wrong friends because you are scared to be alone…and, worse than that, if you don’t learn to enjoy your own company, there’s a good chance you will end up dating the wrong guys and marrying the wrong man because you will act out of your fear of being alone.”

Girls always laugh when I say, “Once you have learned to enjoy your own company and once you are comfortable with yourself, you very quickly realize that most dates are not worth having. It is then that you discover that a hot bath and a good book are better than most dates.”

What is true for these young women in high school is true for you and me also, and it goes without saying that men need to learn to be comfortable with themselves just as much as women do. The point is that the first step toward intimacy with others is intimacy with self. Until you are comfortable with yourself at each of the seven levels of intimacy, you will never go there with another person.

Being comfortable with ourselves is the beginning of this intimacy with self. So many of the things that stop us from becoming the-best-version-of-ourselves we do because we are afraid to step out of the crowd. One of the pivotal moments in a person’s development takes place when he or she steps away from the crowd in order to defend or celebrate the-best-version-of-himself or herself. This stepping away from our peers and into ourselves is particularly important when it comes to relationships. Too many people end up in the wrong relationship because they are not comfortable with themselves and are scared to be alone.

The question remains: How do we learn to be comfortable with ourselves?

The first step is to consciously acknowledge the essential truth of the human condition. While the human person is wonderful and capable of extraordinary things, we are all broken. We are imperfect. We all have faults, failings, and flaws. The defects we so often despise are actually a wonderful part of our humanity.

The great truth that arises from our acknowledgment of the limitations and brokenness of the human race is that while we are each remarkably unique, we are in a very real way the same. In essence, no man or woman is better than the next. While this truth may become blurred by disproportionate distribution of power and wealth, it remains one of the essential truths that govern human interactions.

If we will allow ourselves to reflect adequately on the truth that we all have faults and failings, we will grow more and more comfortable with ourselves, and more and more comfortable in the company of others, be they kings or crowds.

As long as men and women from every walk of life pretend to be so much more than they are, they will never be comfortable with themselves. We become comfortable with ourselves only when we acknowledge that we have strengths and weaknesses. Most people spend their lives trying to hide their weaknesses, and it costs them an awful lot of energy. When we humbly acknowledge our brokenness and our weaknesses, we are liberated from the great pretense. We no longer have to spend all that energy pretending that we are someone we are not, and with our weaknesses out in the open we are now free to work to overcome them or to learn to live with them.

While these words fall very easily to the page and, I hope, make sense, as with most things it is much more difficult to achieve this disposition than it is to write about it. Returning, then, to our question: How do we learn to be comfortable with ourselves? Only by spending time alone. One of the arenas that all men and woman of great achievement have learned to master is the garden of solitude. In the past I have written extensively about the classroom of silence, but in my recent reflections I have come to realize that I have been remiss in neglecting to mention the enormous value of solitude.

It is in solitude and silence that we learn most about ourselves. In those precious moments, undisturbed by the comings and goings of the world, we are able to develop a sense of our legitimate needs, our deepest desires, and our talents and abilities. We have much to learn from silence and solitude. We have a tremendous need to step into the great classrooms of silence and solitude each day for a few moments to get reconnected with ourselves.

It may seem a little paradoxical, but the first step in achieving intimacy with others is getting comfortable with yourself.

Most people are not comfortable with themselves. I know there are many circumstances when I am not comfortable with myself, or with others. For example, I am horribly shy among strangers. I know, it sounds absurd, because I am in those settings every single day, yet they make me very uncomfortable. Once I know somebody or have been introduced I am fine, but I don’t think I have introduced myself to a stranger in ten years.