The Secret wish List (3 page)

Vibha knows all that I have said is true.

‘Look, Diksha, you are right, I admit. But hey, why are you suddenly comparing your life to mine? Look, I truly am sorry for all those remarks I made. I spoke because I care for you. I felt you were slaving and slogging and not getting what you deserve. But that does not mean your life is empty or that you are worthless.’

‘Vibs, I know that. But you know what? This is something I have been feeling for years. It is just that I had not admitted it even to myself. When you came that day and talked so honestly, it truly hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been thinking about it, Vibha. Look, I took two weeks to call you. I have been fighting this in my head. I did not want to burden you, but today it was unbearable and I just had to call you.’

‘Hey, Diksha, you are never a burden. We’re sisters, remember? I am always here for you. You can call me anytime, night or day. And incidentally, I have a trip to Bangalore by the end of the month. Let’s do one thing, let’s talk about this then. I promise we will find a solution. You just hang in there and stop feeling bad. I am coming soon and we will sort this out.’

‘Okay, thanks,’ I say.

‘Come on. What are you saying “thanks” for? Since when did our relationship become so formal? Now cheer up, I am coming soon.’

Once she hangs up, I go to the garden and sit for a long time on the swing with the grass beneath my feet. One of the things I love about this house is the garden which I have lovingly nurtured. In a city where space is devoured hungrily by multistoryed building that rise everyday, this little sanctuary of calm, still standing proud, surrounded by high-rises, gives me so much happiness. The house belongs to Sandeep’s paternal grandfather and it is an old construction. Sandeep has got many offers for it from builders who want to tear it down and build flats. They have even offered us four flats in the same building. Artillery Road is, after all, prime location in Bangalore and the property is easily worth a few hundred crores. But Sandeep has not succumbed.

I sit in the silence of the night, listening to crickets, watching a toad hop away and, as I swing, I think about the fifteen years of my marriage. I think about how things have changed. I think about how I have gone along and been a ‘good girl’ all this while, doing exactly what my parents wanted me to do. I have dutifully married a ‘suitable boy’, dutifully produced a child and have busied myself raising him. He is nine now. I am quite proud of him, yet why is there this growing sense of discontent in me?

Then it strikes me that it is because, in all these years, I have completely lost track of what I want. I have played the role of wife and mother to perfection. So much so that I have forgotten what I want as an individual. My identity is truly Sandeep’s wife or Abhay’s mother.

It is as though I have been living in a dream all these years and, like Rip Van Winkle, have suddenly woken up. What is it that I want? (Apart from raising my child well and keeping house). I know I want something more from my life. I want to do something about it. But what? I really don’t know.

It is a frightening feeling. I sit in the darkness and stare at the starless sky. The darkness stares back at me. I have no idea what I want anymore. What have I done with my life? Where am I headed? I feel miserable and sorry as I sit there and take stock of my life.

I have everything, yet I have nothing.

And I have no idea what I am going to do.

Three

T
HE TELEPHONE RINGS AND
I
AM HAPPY AT THE
distraction. I have been studying really hard and need a break. Mother is watering the plants in the garden and Rohan has shut himself up in his room.

‘Hellooooo,’ I say as I rush and answer it.

‘So. I knew it all along. You did take my bag on purpose, didn’t you? You little witch!’ says the voice at the other end.

It takes me a few seconds to register that it is Ankit and a few more to understand what he has just said. I stand there with the receiver in my hand, my jaw almost dropping to the floor. I am gobsmacked, outraged and embarrassed, all at the same time.

‘Hello, it is Diksha, isn’t it?’ He sounds a little unsure now.

‘Ankit, yes. It is me.’ I finally reply.

‘Oh, thank God. I thought I had shot off my mouth to someone else. And you know what, I really like you too. But I never spoke up. Heck, I did not even admit it to myself. But boy, am I glad you did,’ he says, a visible relief in his voice now.

I squirm further in embarrassment. A part of me goes, ‘Oh-my-God, Oh-my-God, Ankit likes me!’

I do not know what to do. I know the right thing would be to tell him that it was Tanu who wrote the note, not me. But fact is, that he has just admitted he likes
me,
not Tanu. I am too happy to think. My heart sings a million symphonies all at once. I smile a huge smile.

And finally, I say, ‘Yes, I am glad too.’

‘Meet me tomorrow for coffee? After school?’ he asks.

I quickly calculate the time it will take me to cycle back home, change and then go to dance class. I know I will have less than ten minutes with Ankit. My mother is really strict about my dance class.

‘I do so want to. But I have a dance class tomorrow.’

‘What time does it get over? And where do you go for dance?’

Ankit lives in the same residential area and I am certain that he knows all the lanes well, just like any other teen living in Besant Nagar, is one of the nicer localities of Chennai, close to the beach.

‘Five thirty. I go to Natya Kesari.’

‘So I will meet you outside dance class then at five thirty.’

‘No way, Ankit! My other friends will be with me. Mrs Subhalakshmi herself may call up my mother and tell her that she spotted me speaking to a guy outside dance class.’

‘Hmmmm. Okay, meet me at Infinity?’ he asks.

Infinity is one of the many coffee shops that dot the beach. It always has a lot of young people hanging out.

‘Okay. Will meet you there tomorrow around five fifteen,’ I say and, as I hang up, I realise I have bagged myself a date with none other than Ankit Uttam, one of the coolest dudes in school.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I, Diksha Balaram, will be going on a date with Ankit Uttam, a senior, that too one of the smartest guys in school.
I want to stand on rooftops and announce this. I am elated, excited and so darn happy.

Finally, when my excitement subsides a little, I realise that I have to break the news to Tanu. I have no idea how she will react. Things have happened so fast that I can barely believe it myself. Now I begin to feel guilty over my lie. Well, not really a lie, but a concealment of the fact that it was Tanu who wrote the note and not me. But the fact is, he likes
me
, and has asked
me
out, not Tanu. At the very least, I have saved her the embarrassment of being rejected by Ankit.

Yet, I dread telling her, but I know I must.

So I tell my mother that I am going over to Tanu’s house to study. I hoist my bag over my shoulders and cycle as fast as I can. I am breathless when I arrive.

Tanu looks at me and knows instantly that something is up, in a way that only the closest of friends can know. She steers me into her room and shouts out to her mother that we are going to study, and asks not to be disturbed.

And by the time she has shut the door, I feel myself wanting to escape and not having to face her. How in the world do I tell her that her little trick bagged me a date?

‘So, what’s up? What are you trying to hide?’ her eyes search my face and I feel she is looking into my very soul.

I am unable to meet her gaze. I turn away and sit on the bed and idly stare at my toes.

‘Tanu, I don’t know how to put this to you,’ I start hesitatingly.

‘What? You are getting me worried. Whatever it is, say it fast. Don’t make me tense,’ she says.

That makes me even more nervous.

I clear my throat and say, ‘Ankit has asked me out for coffee.’

Tanu gives me a look that says, ‘You’re pulling a fast one on me, right? It’s only a joke, huh?’

I am unable to say anything.

‘Look, I am sorry,’ I say. ‘He thought it was me who wrote that note. I did not get a chance to explain to him that you wrote it.’

And then I repeat the whole conversation I had with Ankit and tell Tanu in detail what has happened. I can see how hurt and disappointed she is.

She doesn’t say anything.

‘Look, Tanu, I am awfully sorry. I will tell him that I can’t meet him,’ I finally say as I put my arms around her. I don’t know how else to make her feel better. I am not able to bear that forlorn look on her face.

‘Don’t be silly, Diksha. He has asked you out. He clearly likes you. Forget explaining anything. Just go ahead and enjoy yourself. I will be fine,’ she says.

I love her for saying that. I know she is miserable, yet she wants me to have a good time. While one part of me desperately wants to go on a date with Ankit, the other part wants to stay back and be with Tanu. Tanu senses my hesitation.

‘Hey, listen, that note I wrote in his book… it was just a joke. I didn’t even really mean it. I truly don’t care. I just wrote it for fun,’ she says.

And we both pretend that the statement she uttered is true. It is the easiest and kindest way to deal with it.

Then we try talking about the things we usually talk about, but there is an awkward feeling now. A sense of discomfort hangs over our heads like a grey cloud which can pour rain any time. This wasn’t the case earlier. The easy camaraderie that existed between us is gone and seems to be replaced by a forced jovial banter. After about ten minutes, I am not able to take this charade anymore and I tell Tanu that I have to leave. She too seems relieved.

As she sees me to the door, her mother asks why I am leaving so early.

‘Just remembered that I have to be home early today, Aunty. We have some relatives coming over,’ I quickly lie. Her mother seems satisfied with my explanation and goes back into the house.

As I leave, I am acutely aware of the wedge that has been driven between Tanu and me. I ask once more, ‘Are you sure, Tanu. I truly do not mind not going on this date.’

‘I told you it’s okay,’ she says with steel in her voice and it feels as though something between us has changed irrevocably that summer afternoon.

I cycle back slowly, reflecting on the fickle friendships of adolescence. Tanu and I have shared so many secrets, have had such good times together and truly forged a strong friendship—or so I had thought until now. And all it has taken is just one date-request from a boy—we have not even gone on a date yet—to have caused this gap.

The more I think about it, the more awful I feel. I really like Tanu. I remember all the times that she has taken down class-notes for me, all the times that we have giggled together, studied together and discussed boys, movies and books. I think of the countless afternoons we have spent in each other’s houses, trying on new clothes, applying nail polish and having a whale of a time, without a care in the world. I am overcome with a feeling that is hard to describe—all I know is that something doesn’t feel right and it is because of Ankit.

By the time I cycle back home, I know what I must do. I cannot go on this date with Ankit. I have to call him up and tell him the truth. I wait for a chance to have the house all to myself so that I can make the call. I certainly do not want Mother overhearing this conversation. The chance comes around six forty in the evening when Mother goes to the next street to visit a friend.

Rohan isn’t at home and I know he will be back only after seven thirty when his cricket practice gets over. My father is travelling and is out of town. I thank my lucky stars for this chance and call up Ankit.

‘Hello, Precious,’ he says with a smile.

‘Ooooh! Precious? Have I graduated to “precious” so soon?’ I smile at his audacity.

‘Okay then, Gorgeous. Does that suit you better?’ he asks boldly.

‘Hey listen, Ankit, I have something to tell you,’ I say before he can go on.

‘Something more to what you wrote in my book? God I have read it so many times now. I loved it, Diksha,’ he says.

‘Ankit, this is about that. I can’t hold it in anymore. I have to tell you, I did not write that note,’ I finally manage to spew out the words that have been festering inside me ever since I left Tanu’s.

There is silence at the other end for a while.

Then he says, ‘Ha ha, you are kidding, right?’

‘No, Ankit, Tanu wrote it. I would never dare write such a thing,’ I say.

‘Oh,’ he says.

And then we are both silent.

‘I feel really bad about it. And look, I did want to have coffee with you tomorrow. In fact, I was looking forward to it. But I don’t think it would be right on my part to do that now. I called to tell you that I can’t meet you tomorrow.’

‘You’ve got to be kidding me! I would have asked you out for coffee, with or without the note. I was planning to. But the note just made it easier.’

‘You are just saying that, right? You just want to make me feel better.’

‘Of course not, Diksha. I really would have, but I felt guilty asking you. I have visited your house so many times to study with Rohan and I didn’t want him thinking that I was friendly with him only because I liked you. You are, after all, my friend’s sister. I would have to, umm, how do I say it, kind of get an okay from him, you know. Hence I hesitated, that’s all.’

I do not know what to do with this new piece of information that Ankit has hurled at me. I am hugely flattered and excited at the same time. My sixteen-year-old heart is thudding away with all its might. I find a large grin spreading across my face and I barely recognise my own voice as I whisper, ‘Oh, Ankit. I had no idea.’

‘How would you? I never told you. But now I have,’ he whispers back and my heart does a somersault inside my ribcage and makes an expert landing for a perfect ten that Ankit has scored with that statement. Though he has not said the exact words, but what he has said is almost as good as confessing his love for me.

I continue smiling and Ankit says, ‘So the meeting at Infinity is on, right?’