The Secret wish List (29 page)

There is a collective gasp from the room.

I pull up a chair from the dining table and sit down.

‘Look, Ma, you really do not know anything. And Sandeep, if you wanted to sort matters out, you should have talked to me, not dragged my parents half-way across the world,’ I say.

‘HOW DARE YOU talk back like this, DIKSHA?’ thunders my father with all his strength. ‘Is this how we raised you?’

‘I am sorry, Father, but all this trouble has been caused precisely because I haven’t spoken out. I have complied with all your wishes. You pulled me out of school, you sent me to another city, to a strict women’s college and you forced me to marry early. I really did not have a choice.’

I am speaking from a place of strength that is coming from all the years of suppression. I speak out with courage and conviction. I speak out because I now know the alternate choices that life offers me. I speak as a responsible adult now. I have made my choices and I am no longer the old, terrified mouse I used to be. I know that if I do not speak out now, I will be squished and my dreams will be trampled. And it is taking a humongous effort from my side. I am nervous, but I know I have to say everything that I am longing to say.

‘You very well know the circumstances that led us to do that. It was your fault,’ my mother’s voice quavers and her eyes glaze over with rage, perhaps recounting the unpleasant memories that loomed over all the choices they made and also inflicted on me.

‘Ma, I was sixteen. It is normal for boys and girls to fall in love at that age.’

‘Oh, really? Don’t teach me. We have also been through that age. And we have not gone berserk trying to have a physical relationship,’ says my mother.

‘What? A physical relationship at sixteen?’ Sandeep is shocked.

‘No, Ma. It was not a “physical relationship” as you say.’ I use air quotes to emphasize my point. ‘It was just a kiss, and it wasn’t the crime that you made it out to be. Had you left it, it would have probably died down on its own. It wasn’t a big deal really. But the way you people twisted it, pulled me out of school, treated me like a leper, and the way you made it hang over my whole life, like the sword of Damocles, the way you never really listened to what I wanted,
that
was what has brought all this about.’

‘Are you making excuses for your abominable behaviour? You had an affair with some guy after marriage because we made a big deal out of something you did when you were sixteen?’ My mother is boiling with rage. She knows how to hit where it hurts. She has always been an expert at that.

But this time I am prepared.

‘He is not
some
guy, Ma,’ I say calmly. ‘He is the same guy. He is Ankit.’

There is a stunned silence in the room after that. It is as though I have dropped a bombshell and my family is reeling in the aftermath of the debris that the explosion has caused. They had no idea up to now about the identity of the ‘friend’ I was out with. Now that his name is mentioned, it is as though they have been jolted by an atomic bomb. They have no idea what has hit them.

They squirm and I realise that I am sadistically enjoying the discomfort and shock that I have caused.

‘I have an announcement to make. I no longer wish to continue in this marriage. I know I have tried for fifteen whole years. I have done everything that a good wife and a mother is expected to do. I have never once failed in my duties. I have raised my child well, I have kept the house well. I have cooked and cleaned and served. I have supported Sandeep in all that he has wanted to do. I have never once protested, grumbled or complained. In return, I have been constantly reminded by Sandeep that it is he who earns, and therefore everything is justified. When Abhay was smaller, it was fine. Time just went by without my realising, but now that he is older, I have time on my hands and I want to make something out of my life. I have found my calling in salsa. It is something I yearn for, something I am good at and something I want to pursue as a career. And guess what? I am going to go ahead with it. Gaurav and I opening our own academy, as equal partners. And hey, that does not mean I am having an affair with him. Ankit understands this fully. In fact, he understands me completely and is ever-so supportive. Support and understanding is something I never got from any of you. Most of all you, Sandeep.’

It is a long speech and I pause to catch my breath.

Sandeep is looking at me, stupefied. So is my family.

They truly do not know what to say or how to react. That softens me a bit.

‘There is really nothing as terrible as being misunderstood. I never intended to fall in love with Ankit all over again—but I did. I am sorry, Sandeep, I did it behind your back. That I admit was wrong on my part. I make no excuses for my behaviour, but I do want to end this marriage now. It is nothing but a farce. I want to make my own life. I will always have regard for you as the father of my child and there will always be place for you in his life. But, as far as I am concerned, I really don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore.’

Sandeep slumps back in his chair and I sense he has given up.

My father, mother and brother look at me as though I am an evil witch with some mysterious powers that can turn them into frogs. They look frightened of me now. I too feel like someone possessed. I have never spoken this much and this emphatically in all my life.

‘I did try hard, Papa. I tried to be happy in the life you wanted me to lead. I tried to do all that you wanted me to do. All I wanted was acceptance from all of you, which I never got. I yearned for you, Ma, to take me in your arms and to tell me that it is all going to be okay and that all of us make mistakes. But you never did anything like that. I know you acted in my best interests, but the fact is each of us has to decide what is good for us. Parents forcing down decisions on their children, especially when it comes to marriage, using subtle pressure-tactics to do that, backfires. It really does. But it took me fifteen years to learn that. I finally know what I want and what I want is to spend the rest of my life with Ankit.’

I feel like a public speaker talking to an audience which is in darkness. But now that I have said everything, it feels like a boulder that I have been carrying all these years has dropped off. I feel light. I feel like dancing. Finally I have broken free of a million chains that were tying me down.

My mother-in-law is the first one to finally break the sepulchral silence that has enveloped the room after my long monologue.

‘Diksha has no doubt been a good wife and a mother. I have been witness to all that she has done and, I am sorry to say, my son too has been at fault here. Sandeep has indeed been totally absorbed in his work. So much so that Diksha has indeed raised Abhay almost single-handedly. She has very been sweet and kind to me and been there for me even during the times that my son hasn’t. In fact, I knew about her salsa lessons, and I really think my son should broaden his view a little. Sandeep has been looking at this whole thing in a very narrow vision. Perhaps, if he had paid a little attention to what Diksha had wanted, and trust me, it was not much, this marriage could have been saved. But it is too late now. Diksha has made up her mind and I think, as parents, if you all do not support her at least now, you risk alienating her forever.’

I am so overwhelmed by her words that I get up, walk up to her and hug her.

‘Thank you,’ I whisper and I mean it with all my heart.

She hugs me back. ‘I have seen the whole picture. I cannot blindly support my son. I know all that he has put you through. In some ways, he is responsible for being in the position he finds himself in. He has dug his own grave.’

My parents look at me in a new way now. I know my mother-in-law’s words have had an impact on them.

I walk towards my mother and I am overtaken by a rush of emotions. I hug her. I feel her frail bones and realise how thin she has become over the years. A flood of tears is streaming down my face and I am having a very difficult time holding it back.

She stands like a stone statue, stiff and unyielding, for a very long time.

‘Ma, please forgive me. This is what I want,’ I whisper in her ear.

And gradually, ever so slowly, after what feels likes ages, her hands go around me.

And then she hugs me really tight and I know that she is crying too.

Epilogue

T
EN MONTHS LATER

Diksha walked out of her marriage and moved in with Ankit. Ankit gave her the option of having a home wherever she liked, and she chose to live in Bangalore.

She has also got a gold certification as a salsa instructor.

Ankit funded the setting up of a dance studio for Gaurav and Diksha who are equal partners in it. They have started their classes and business has taken off really well. They hope to break even the following year and pay back Ankit his initial investment with a handsome return. Diksha and Gaurav are practising hard to compete in the World Salsa Federation championship and they hope to win.

Gaurav and Tanu are officially ‘in a relationship.’ Tanu says laughingly, ‘I never knew that I, a hot-shot banker, will fall for a salsa instructor.’ But hey, opposites attract.

Sandeep has taken a three-year assignment in Korea. Shell-shocked by what has happened to his marriage, he has submerged himself in work, the only way he knows how to cope with it all.

Abhay is writing the entrance exam for Doon School which takes boys in at Class 7 and is very confident of clearing it. He loved the trip to the Maldives he made with his mother and Ankit, and wrote about it in his school magazine. It was chosen as the ‘best essay’ of the month.

Vibha has re-joined her company after her sabbatical. She is still miffed with Diksha and does not speak to her. Diksha hopes she will come around some day.

Mrs Pandit, Sandeep’s mother, still dotes on Abhay and Diksha and is friendly with them. They meet every now and then.

Rachna, the ‘chakkar woman’, and Jyoti continue to be spotted at the bus stop every morning.

Diksha’s parents have finally made peace with her. They have accepted her decisions and choices in life. They have slowly begun the process to mend bridges and though there is still a long way to go, it is at least a start.

Acknowledgements

Any story is really an amalgamation of a lifetime of experiences, a million little moments that made an impact and contributed to it in some small way or the other.

To mention all those who were a part of this journey would be an impossible task. But there are a few who just have to be mentioned, as they played a big role in shaping this book, directly or indirectly.

A huge thank you to all who read my previous books and loved them, as well as to my blog readers who shower me with so much affection.

A thank you to my mother who was the first to hear the story. She loved the idea when I first narrated it to her.

To my dad who continues to be my inspiration and who continues to live on within me.

To Satish, my husband, who I am fortunate to have in my life.

To my children, Atul and Purvi, who are very proud of all that I do.

A big thanks to Suresh Sanyasi who gave the book a different direction and who patiently read all my drafts in between his very busy schedule and was brave enough to be honest with me.

To Rathipriya who believes in me.

To Shabina, for all the love and support.

To Mayank Mittal, for all the phone calls and inputs.

Thank you to K Ramesh for the incisive inputs and for being a great support.

To all the friends in my life.

Thanks to Keshrie who kept my home neat and tidy and patiently listened to the progress of my word count on a daily basis.

Thanks to the team at Westland—Gautam Padmanabhan, Paul Vinay Kumar, Aradhana Bisht, Ahlawat Gunjan and the others for all their support. It was truly a great pleasure to interact with you. All of you are awesome to work with.

And how can I leave out Lostris who greets me every single day as though she hasn’t seen me in twenty years. She is such a stress buster and has no idea how happy she makes me.