The Secret wish List (15 page)

I am dying to catch up. Eighteen years is a lifetime really! Cannot believe it is that long since we connected.

I will call you first thing tomorrow.

Loads of love,

Diksha

Fifteen

S
ANDEEP SEEMS TO BE GROWING MORE IRRITABLE
and grouchy by the minute. When I hand him his morning coffee in bed, he snaps at me saying that it is not warm enough. He seems preoccupied and generally pissed off about something. I run around, fixing breakfast, cooking and packing Abhay’s and Sandeep’s lunch, and seeing to it that Abhay gets to school on time, as well as checking on my mother-in-law. Sandeep exchanges a perfunctory greeting with his mother, before he disappears behind
The
Economic Times
, in his usual place in the garden.

My mother-in-law quietly observes everything and, once or twice, I catch her giving me sympathetic glances, but I look away.

As soon as Sandeep leaves, she says,‘It is obnoxious, his behaviour, Diksha. He is my son and all that, but I can see what’s happening with a detached eye. He does absolutely nothing to help you around the house. You should talk to him about it.’

‘Do you think I haven’t tried, Ma? Sandeep’s view is that if I need more help with housework, I can employ an additional maid. He just doesn’t get it,’ I reply. ‘I have more or less resigned to it, really. If I bring it up, he will shred me to bits with his words and I prefer to keep peace at any cost.

‘I really don’t know how he turned out like this. You know, Sandeep’s father was so different from him. He used to help me with everything. He was such a good man,’ she says, her eyes misting at the memory.

I have only heard stories about my father-in-law. I never met him as he had passed away a few years before I married Sandeep. My mother-in-law reminisces about him and I listen to her patiently, even though all I want to do is rush to my room and call up Tanu. I really want to catch up with her.

Finally, when my mother-in-law retires to her room for a nap, I rush to my bedroom and switch on my computer. I open Tanu’s mail and smile once again as I read it.

Then I dial her number. My heart is beating so fast that I am unable to focus on anything other than the ringtone, a peppy modern song that I hear often on the radio, perhaps a Katie Perry number.

She answers after a few seconds with a business-like, ‘Yes?’ not even a hello.

‘Hey! Tanu?’ I almost scream.

‘OH MY GOD. Is it really, you Diksha?’ The excitement and joy in her voice is clearly evident and I smile broadly.

Something really amazing happens when old friends, who you have known since childhood, come back into your life.

‘You bitch, you fool, you stupid woman, you donkey!’ yells Tanu into the phone.‘Where the fuck did you disappear after school? Do you know how many letters I wrote you?’ she demands.

It is as though we left school just yesterday and all that happened in between has melted. I am astonished by the closeness and warmth I feel towards Tanu, and by the fact that she still addresses me like she used to in school, with the easy familiarity of a deep friendship, unaffected by anything—a gap of eighteen years, a marriage, motherhood and everything else.

I am too stunned to speak. In those few seconds, everything that happened after my parents pulled me out of school, till the time I got married, flash before my eyes. I abhorred that part of my life. I didn’t receive a single letter from Tanu. Perhaps my grandmother and Meera Mausi had been instructed by my parents to cut me off from me all my friends. I do not know. I had often wondered why I never heard from her. Back then, I was too broken, too frightened and too supervised to try and contact either Tanu or Ankit.

Now with Tanu suddenly back in my life, demanding to know why I dropped out of hers, is forcing me, rather, transporting me back to a time and place I’d rather not revisit. I am shaking and need to sit on the bed. I am so overwhelmed with emotions that there is a tightness in my throat which is making it difficult for me to speak.

‘Hello? Are you there?’ asks Tanu.

‘Yeah, Tanu. I will tell you everything in detail, but only when we meet. You say—what are you doing now? Where are you and when are you moving to Bangalore? How did you find me?’ I ask.

‘Hmmm, okay. I get by. I work with Barclays. I am now moving to take over the Bangalore operations. My career is really rocking and I love my work. I am single and live on my own. And we should meet soon,’ she says.

I truly envy her at that moment. She has lived her life, made something out of it, unlike me who has got married and done nothing except produce a child. I feel worthless, like I have wasted my life. I have never had a job, never worked. And Tanu, who is exactly my age has a name for herself, is financially independent and will now head the Bangalore operations.

‘Wow! You have made it, Tanu. I am so proud of you,’ I finally say. I mean it with all my heart. Even though my admiration for my friend is a hundred per cent genuine, it is still laced with a tinge of regret for my wasted life.

‘Listen. I arrive this weekend. I am selling off all my stuff there and buying everything from a scratch in Bangalore. You know all the furniture shops there, right?’

‘Yeah, I can help you with that. Come and stay with me, Tanu. We have such a lot to catch up on,’ I offer.

‘I appreciate your offer, Diksha, but I have never met your husband. My company has booked me at Oberoi and it is close to work too. I can stay there till I find a home. Let’s meet there. We have so much to catch up on and, while your husband may be a sweet guy and all that, I don’t think we can really talk if your family is around, isn’t it?’

My husband is not a sweet guy and is an insensitive jerk and I am too cowardly to stand up to him.

‘Yes, you do have a point, I guess. But if you change your mind or if you need anything, feel free to treat my home as your own.’

‘As though you need to tell me that!’

‘And who did you manage to track down?’ I ask, dying to know and unable to hold back the question anymore.

‘Who do you think, Diksha?’ She asks in a tone which is different from her usual excited pitch.

I hesitate to ask. I dread hearing it. It is like my worst fears are going to come true.

‘Don’t tell me,’ I say, almost holding my breath. I want to hear it, yet I don’t want to. I want to know it, yet I do not want to. It is the strangest thing I have ever felt.

‘Ankit’ she says.

I could have sworn I felt my heart stop.

‘Fuck,’ I say.

And it is the first time in eighteen years that I have sworn.

‘So where is he and what does he do?’ I finally ask.

‘Will tell you all in good time. Meet me on Saturday for lunch?’ she asks.

‘Hmm, sure, let me confirm to you later. A meeting will be possible, but I think lunch may not be,’ I say.

How can I explain to her that after marriage, I have never gone out with my women friends, leaving my husband and child at home. It would probably sound archaic to her. How can I explain to her that I still take Sandeep’s ‘permission’ to travel anywhere? Even to my own ears, it sounds like an eighteenth-century tradition. Yet that is how it has been for me. I wonder how marriage has changed me such a lot.

As soon as Tanu hangs up, I get a call from Vibha.

‘So my lady, how did your secret date with the salsa man go? And why didn’t you call me yesterday? I waited and waited. Don’t tell me you got so carried away that you forgot all about me,’ she says.

‘Hey! Give me a chance to speak at least, before you go on like a bullet train!’ I exclaim.

I tell her about my mother-in-law’s fall. I tell her how Sandeep left for office, leaving me alone with her in the hospital. I tell her how she overheard me speaking to Gaurav and how I opened up to her.

‘Oh my God, Diksha! You are really something!’ she exclaims.

‘Why?’ I ask, a bit puzzled about her reaction. Is she praising me? Does she find it odd? Or does she appreciate the fact?

‘Whoever heard of a daughter-in-law making friends with her mother-in-law!’ she says.

‘Come on, Vibha. How can you, of all the people, say that? Don’t your in-laws live with you and help you look after Monu? Haven’t they been supportive?’

‘Yeah, but it isn’t like I pour out my heart to my mom-in-law.’

‘I agree, it may not be conventional, Vibha, but honestly, yesterday for the first time, I saw her as Mrs Pandit, the woman and not just my mother-in-law. And I can’t tell you what a huge difference it has made to my perspective. She is really understanding, Vibha. In fact, she asked me to go ahead with my salsa. How many mothers-in law do you know who will actually say that?’ I ask

‘Yes, you are right of course. It is indeed a good thing you have bonded with her. So did you tell her about your wish list too?’

‘I knew that was coming,’ I smile. ‘No, for the record, I haven’t told her about the wish list. Happy?’ I ask.

‘I will be happy when all the items, except Number 6, are ticked off,’ she replies.

The conversation with Tanu has reminded me, with startling intensity, of the person I used to be—a person with hopes, ambitions and a desire to live life to the brim. I was just like Tanu—bubbly, enthusiastic and positive.

I think about Ankit. I think about that kiss. I have replayed everything that happened on that day at least a million times in my mind through all these years. I loved him with all the purity and innocence of a sixteen-year- old heart. I was certain at that time that he loved me too. I wonder how he looks now. I wonder what I will feel if I were to ever meet him again.

It is ironic how the years change you and yet you remain the same. Even if you are married, become a parent, deep down you are still the person you were before you became all of that.

Later, as I cook the afternoon meal, Ankit dances around in my head. He refuses to go away when I serve my mother- in-law her meal and make inane conversation with her. He is still with me when I greet Abhay, back from school, and remains there when I help him with homework. And, later that night, when my husband, after his usual round of television viewing, comes to bed and squeezes my breasts and has sex with me,
he is still there
.

I lie awake a long time that night, the darkness of my bedroom punctuated by Sandeep’s rhythmic post-coital snoring.

I realise with a jolt that Ankit had never really left. He has been in my head all along.

And now that the possibility of reconnecting with him has been presented to me on a platter, it makes me intensely restless. It is as though someone has poured a can of gasoline to the already blazing fire and turmoil within my heart.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, warning bells are clanging, but their sounds are very feeble, almost muffled.

The voice of my heart is too darn loud.

When you cannot get someone out of your head for eighteen years, it has to be true love.

Sixteen

I
T IS ALMOST AS IF
I
CANNOT WAIT FOR
T
ANU TO
arrive and for me to meet her. A part of me knows that it is also because I am eager to know about Ankit. But there is still a whole week left and all I can do is go about my daily tasks and duties like everything is the same as before. Inside my head, it feels like clouds are brewing for a thunderstorm of mammoth proportions. After all, this is the guy because of whom my life took a sharp ninety-degree turn. This is the guy I failed to resist.

Who knows what he has made of himself in these eighteen years. Perhaps he is balding, fat and potbellied? Perhaps he is married with a nagging wife and two children, or worse with a gorgeous, slim wife who looks like a model and has two wonderful children as well. Thoughts about Ankit are distracting me such a lot that I am unable to think of anything else. I just
have
to know.

So I call up Tanu again. But she cuts my call and a moment later I get a text which says, ‘In a meeting. Will call back.’ There is nothing I can do except wait and continue with my usual chores, pretending all is well, when in reality it feels as though there are a million questions inside me threatening to explode.

The only way I can distract myself is to focus on the salsa class which is this evening. That is when I remember that I have agreed to meet Gaurav after class today.

My mother-in-law is much better now. She says that by the end of the week she would like to shift back to her own apartment. She has a set of friends who have been calling her every single day to check on her. One couple, Mrs and Mr Prabhu even visited, bringing flowers and fruits. How lucky she is to have friends like that. I think that if I fell ill or injured myself, I would have nobody perhaps other than Vibha and now Tanu, who would bother to check on me or find out how I was.

At the bus stop that morning, with the children interacting with each other in the background, it seems as though Jyoti and Rachna seem to have made it their life’s mission to tease and hound me.

‘Today also you are glowing, Diksha! Do tell us the chakkar,’ says Rachna, the chakkar woman.