The Rules In Paradise (Playing By The Rules) (29 page)

             
"Olivia, honey, he screwed up. Not you. You shouldn't feel guilty. I mean you probably shouldn't have been on your way to sleep with a stranger, but that's neither here nor there," Charlotte said.
             

             
"Who cares? She was having a great time, she deserves a little fun," Adrian said to Charlotte.

             
I laid there silently. I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected to see him, and I definitely hadn't expected to have him see me with someone else.  I didn't know how I felt. On one hand he deserved it, on another it hurt me to see the look on his face. I had walked away from him when he was hurting, twice.

             
"So what does this mean? You were doing so well Olivia," Charlotte asked from her spot on the other end of the couch.

             
"I don't know. I don't know how to feel. I hadn't planned to see him. I wasn't prepared. Seeing his face brought back so many emotions I can't even comprehend most of them. I still feel so much for him. I feel good and bad things about him. I don't know, I'm so confused." My head was literally spinning. I had no idea which way was up right now. It had beyond blown my mind to see the man who held my every happiness only to destroy it with lies.

             
"I think I need to go to bed. It's late, I'm confused as hell. I don't know what to do with myself. Some rest might put this in perspective. You guys need to get to sleep too. I'm sorry about earlier," I said. I hugged both of my friends and walked to my bedroom. I closed the door and threw myself in bed. I couldn't bear to stand another moment. I didn't even bother getting under the blanket. Within moments I was out like a light.

             
"I don't care, how could you let it happen?...I swear, if he screws it up I'll kill him...Well he needs you to be... You should have seen it... she hyperventilated... I would too if I saw some asshole I was just about over... I don't trust him, at all... I know.... yeah... no you don't have to... I miss you too... I know... I just hate it for her, it's like she finally was perking up, I saw my friend again Jason, I missed her... But he already did, once is enough for me... yeah, like a zombie... you don't hurt someone you love... bullshit he does, I don't care... Jason she's my best friend...I know... I love you too...Ok, I'll talk to you later...bye." I heard Adrian sigh in the room next to me.

             
I was laying in my bed and it was light outside. The clock beside my bed told me that it was after nine. I decided to get up and shower.

             
The hot water poured down on me and I reveled in the feeling of it. I had spent the night sleeping surprisingly soundly. I felt just as confused this morning as I did last night. It wasn't hard for me to figure out that I still cared about him. I didn't think that would ever go away. Deep down I believed he was a good guy. He made absolutely awful decisions, but I knew there was good in him. I couldn't deny that I missed him. I missed what we used to be and what I felt when I was with him. I used to feel happy and content. I still harbored a lot of hurt feelings. I still felt betrayed in the worst possible way. He had made me fall in love with him and then he killed me with secrets he has been keeping from me. I had asked to never see him again and I had gotten my wish. Until now I felt like I made an improvement. Now I felt like I was back at square one.

             
I dried off and dressed in shorts and a tank top and met the girls in the kitchen. Both of them were sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal.

             
Both of them eyed me carefully before Charlotte spoke up.

             
"How did you sleep?" She asked.
             

             
"Good actually. What about you?" I asked, grabbing a bowl and pouring myself some cereal. I sat down at the table with them.

             
"Good, you look good this morning," she said hesitantly.

             
"I'm not going to explode Char, I had a rough night, that's all," I said, shrugging as I put a spoonful of cereal in my mouth.

             
"Ok. I'm just worried about you, how are you feeling?" She asked, apparently she had gained some courage.

             
"Still confused, I feel like I want to talk to him, but I'm scared about what effect that will have on me. I don't know if I can handle him."

             
"Then don't, you don't owe him anything," Adrian piped up.

             
"Maybe not but it doesn't make it any easier to know he's here."

             
"Jason didn't know he was coming, I swear Olivia," Adrian said nervously.

             
"I believe you. I'm not going to assume it's because of me though," I said.

             
"Of course it's because of you. He isn't stupid, he'd look for you if he knew you were here," Charlotte said.

             
I finished the rest of my cereal in silence. I filled it with water at the sink, and turned to look at them.

             
"I'm going to go for a walk," I said, sliding on my sandals.

             
"You're going to look for him," Adrian said.

             
I shrugged and grabbed my bag.

             
"It's one of those things that if I run into him maybe then I'll know what to do," I said and walked out of the door.

             
The sun was blazing hot already and it wasn't even ten o'clock. I put on my sunglasses and began to walk. Was I really going to look for him? I would like to say no, but in reality I knew that I was venturing out in hopes of running into him. Seeing him had made him real to me again. I needed to see him, just see him living in the same world that I existed in. I didn't know where to find him, nor did I know if he was still here after last night. I was fairly certain that he had come for me, how he knew I wasn't sure of. I couldn't imagine Jason would have said anything without him knowing Adrian would hang him for it.

             
I was shocked by the number of people around gathered at the pool. I watched families swimming together and laughing. I saw couples lounging in chairs, smiling. Everyone was here, happy in paradise. I felt silly, looking for the man who broke my heart who was barely more than a ghost to me. I decided that I really wanted to walk the beach. I knew there was little chance of finding him there, but I felt like right now I should enjoy it.

             
I walked for what seemed like miles. The sun was warm and the wet sand was cooled by the lapping ocean. I had taken for granted this site last time, and every time I had come. Walking the beach took my mind back to Cole. I remembered the nights we spent just talking on the beach, how good it had felt being with him. I remembered hearing his voice and his laugh. I felt like an old woman, reminisciening about her past. I spent time remembering how things were before the shit hit the fan.

             
I walked up a public beach access path and made it to the main street. I turned back, walking the direction from which I had come. What was I doing? Why was I out here searching for him? I could try to tell myself that isn't what I was doing, but I knew that was a lie. I just needed to see him.

             
I had walked all the way back toward the hotel. I was back on familiar territory. The sun was high in the sky by now, I was guessing it was about noon.

             
I walked back to the pool area and sat on a chair under one of the tables with an umbrella. I felt exhausted. Emotionally and physically so. I set my sunglasses on the table and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I felt on edge, and nervous. I thought I had gotten over this feeling. I stood up and started walking toward the side door into the hotel room. I stopped in my tracks when I saw him. Sitting three tables away was the man who had occupied most of my time. I couldn't move. He was sitting with his left side to me. His attention was concentrated on his phone in his hands. I stood there, looking at him. He looked as good as I remembered. His hair was longer than I remembered. I felt my stomach do flips while my heart pounded. I finally decided to try to sneak back the other way, when that voice stopped me.

             
"Olivia, I'd love for you to have a seat. Only if you want to that is," he said without looking up from his phone.

             
My heart was pounding, and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I walked over and sat down anyway.

Chapter 23

             
I felt my body trembling as I  sat down across from him. I was thankful that he was wearing sunglasses because it kept some of his intensity at bay. My heart was beating in my throat, and my stomach was threatening to come up. I sat there and looked at him, not saying anything. His screen went black on his phone and he put it on the table and leaned back in his chair. Even though I couldn't tell, I knew he was looking at me.

             
"Are you hungry? We could get some breakfast. You are much too thin," he said. His voice was just how I remembered it. I felt some of my anxiousness disappear with his words. I shook my head. I didn't really trust what my voice would sound like.

             
"There were two statements and a question there, you are saying no to all three?" There it was, his matter-of-fact tone that infuriated me.

             
"No to your question and no to the statements," I said. It was about all I could manage.

             
"So you have intentionally tried to lose too much weight?" He asked.

             
I thought for a moment. He knows I hadn't. How did I tell him I did it because my life without him has been pure hell? I spent more time trying to sleep sadness away than eat.

             
"No, I haven't," I said almost like an embarrassed child.

             
Cole put his hand in the air and whispered to the waiter who came. He slid a bill into the hand of the waiter. Judging by the sprint the waiter did after, it was a pretty large bill.

             
"So did you have an entertaining evening last night?" He asked. There was a hint of something in his voice, I couldn't quite place it. I felt my cheeks flush at that, thinking back to how he had perceived the situation. "I guess I can assume that your blush is all the answer that I need." I watched some lines appear around his mouth and on his forehead. I took a deep breath, I was getting ready to tell him that it wasn't what he thought.

             
"I have to admit that is not how I had anticipated seeing you for the first time," he said. He looked down at his hands for a moment.

             
"Did you anticipate seeing me?" I asked. He looked up and I saw a very small smile flirt on his lips.

             
"I'm here, aren't I?" He said.

             
"Yes, but why?" This was what I really wanted to know.

             
"Every year you take a trip here, do you not? Every year after your schooling has ended."

             
"You came here because you knew we'd be here?" I wanted him to say it. I didn't know why, but I needed him to say he was here for me.

             
"No Olivia, as much as I care for your friends, I am not here for them. I'm here for you."

             
My heart skipped a beat. Between hearing him say my name and hearing him say that this is why he's here I was in heaven. I sat there and let that settle in. I quite enjoyed hearing that, but why? What was I going to do with that?

             
"More than anything I wish I could know what you were thinking. It's maddening to watch your face and not have any tangible information." He had rested his ankle on his knee and leaned back in his chair. He had a smile on his face.

             
"I'm thinking about how I'm supposed to be feeling about all of this."

             
"How do you feel about this?" He asked.

             
"Confused, really confused." His face fell a little as I said that.

             
"What are you confused about Olivia?"

             
"You, what I am expected to do with you here," I said. I was starting to get angry, I couldn't explain why.

             
"I don't quite know Olivia. I hadn't even been certain that you would speak to me," he said. I saw the lines darken on his face. "I also am unsure of what that man last night means to you. Perhaps I truly am wasting my time."