The Rottenest Angel (4 page)

I dropped back onto the cot to think. I knew I could
think
my way out of this. No one thinks like Bernie B. when I put my mind to it.

 

BRRRAAAAAP.

 

“Eeew! Phewww!” Angel moaned. He pinched his nose shut. He started faning the air. “Why does my new dog smell so bad?”

“Maybe it's because of the entire
box of dog biscuits you fed him,” I muttered.

I heard heavy footsteps in the hall. Belzer stepped in, carrying a big breakfast tray. The Dining Hall is just
too noisy
in the morning. So Belzer brings me breakfast in bed.

Good kid, Belzer.

“Good morning, Belzer,” I said, climbing under the covers. “Whoa. Wait. What's that T-shirt you're wearing?”

Belzer stuck out his chest so I could read the front. In big red letters, it read:
DON'T LOOK AT ME
.

“Great,” I said. “That shirt is gonna win you a lot of friends.”

He squinted at me. “You think so?”

Belzer buys all his T-shirts at a store called Crumby Shirts No One Else Will Wear.

“Never mind,” I said. “What do you have for breakfast this morning?”

Belzer gazed down at the tray. “Scrambled eggs with bacon and sausage, blueberry pancakes, cornflakes, and two chocolate-chip muffins,” he said.

My mouth watered. “Excellent,” I said. “A
small
breakfast. I don't like to overdo it in the morning. Just set it down in my lap. Gently. My knees bruise easily.”

Belzer blinked a few times. “But it isn't for
you,
Bernie,” he said.

I laughed. “Belzer, what did I tell you about making jokes? Remember, I said you weren't quite
ready
for jokes yet?”

Belzer blinked a few more times. “I wasn't joking, Big B. This breakfast is for Angel.”

“Huh?” My brain started to spin. “Breakfast in bed for Angel?”

“It was my idea, Bernie,” Angel said. “You've been looking really pale. You need fresh air, pal. A nice walk to the
Dining Hall every morning will be good for you.”

Belzer set the tray down on Angel's lap.

Angel picked up a chocolate-chip muffin and started to chew off the top. “I'm only thinking of you, roomie,” he said to me. “You're my best friend, and I want you to be healthy.”

He turned to Belzer. “Would you slice the sausage for me? I like to have it in small chunks before I start to eat.”

“No problem,” Belzer said. “I got you the soft bacon you asked for. I tasted each piece to make sure it was soft, Angel.”

 

GAAAAAACK!

 

I couldn't take it anymore. I
never
totally lose it—but I TOTALLY LOST IT.

I leaped out of bed. I grabbed the edge
of the tray. I let out an angry roar and started to tug the tray off Angel's lap.

“Bernie?”

I heard a voice behind me.

“Bernie? What's going
on
in here?”

I let go of the tray and spun around. “Good morning, Mrs. Heinie,” I said.

“You're looking beautiful today. I love what you've done with your single eyebrow.”

“Never mind my eyebrow,” she snapped. She squinted at me through her thick glasses. “What were you fighting about?”

“Me? Fighting?” I said. “Oh, no. You've got it wrong, Mrs. H. Belzer and I—we were treating my new roommate. A special welcome. We were giving him breakfast in bed.”

Angel rested the tray on Gassy. Then he climbed out of bed. “I know Bernie was trying to be nice,” he told Mrs. Heinie.
“But I don't really
like
breakfast in bed. I'd much rather be in the Dining Hall with all my new friends.”

Mrs. Heinie beamed at Angel. “You're such a good boy,” she gushed.

Then she turned to me, and her smile became a scowl. “Bernie, stop trying to teach Angel bad habits!”

I took a slice of bacon from the tray and slid it into my mouth. “Bad habits? Huh? Me?”

The next morning was a hot, steamy Monday. I woke up slowly, feeling sweaty, my pajamas stuck to my skin.

I opened my eyes—and saw Angel, already dressed. He smiled at me. I had to shut my eyes. The glow from his teeth was
painful
!

His yellow, green, and purple school tie was perfectly tied. The brass buttons on his school blazer gleamed as if he'd polished them.

I yawned. “Where's Belzer? Isn't he bringing breakfast?”

Angel tugged me up. “Oh, my gosh and goodness. Bernie, hurry. It's my first day of class. I can't wait!”

Oh, wow. Was he for real?

“Please walk me to the School House,” he said. “I'm not sure where to find it.”

I yawned again. “Just walk in any direction,” I said. “You'll get there sooner or later.”

But he dragged me out of bed and shoved my uniform at me. A few minutes later I was leading him across the Great Lawn toward the School House building where all our classes are held.

Kids poured out of the three dorms, laughing and talking. I waved to April-May June, but she didn't wave back.

I saw my buddies Feenman and Crench tossing a Frisbee back and forth. Those crazy dudes probably forgot it was Monday.

I pointed to the tall, stone building at the far end of the Great Lawn. “That's the School House,” I said. “We call it Mouse House. Know why? Because it's
infested
! Hope you don't mind a mouse or two climbing up your legs.”

Angel laughed. He thought I was kidding.

I heard a thud of footsteps, turned, and saw my friend Beast stampeding toward us. Beast is a weird guy. He's a little too hairy to be human. But no one knows
what
he is.

Sometimes he chases after squirrels on all fours. And when he catches one, it isn't pretty.

“Yo, Beast!” I called.

But he ran up to Angel and started licking Angel's hand. “You and me. Good buddies,” he grunted. Then he scampered off, chasing after a blowing leaf.

I turned to Angel. “Beast is
your
friend now? How did
that
happen?”

Angel shrugged. “I gave him a box of dog biscuits, too.”

I clenched my fists. This guy was stealing all my friends.

The sun beamed down on us. Sweat poured down my forehead. I loosened my tie a little.

“Hey, there goes the Great Man—Headmaster Upchuck,” Angel said. He pointed.

The GREAT MAN?

I turned and saw the Headmaster doing his morning run across the grass. Mr. Upchuck is as short as a third grader, bald, and red-faced. He waddles like a duck when he runs.

“Wow,” Angel said, “the Great Man looks hot and tired.” Angel picked up a fallen tree limb from the grass. “Maybe I can help Mr. Upchuck out.”

“What are you going to do with that?” I asked.

“This will make a good walking stick,” Angel replied. He started to run, holding the tree limb in front of him.

I should have warned Angel that the Headmaster
doesn't like kids to talk to him. Kids make him nervous. But I didn't say a word. I just stood and watched.

Upchuck was jogging slowly toward Pooper's Pond.

Angel waved the stick as he ran. “Sir!” he shouted. “I've got something for you!”

Startled, Upchuck lurched to a stop.

Angel couldn't stop himself. He ran right into him.

The tree limb rammed Upchuck in the back.

And the Headmaster went flying into the pond!

For a little guy, he made a very big splash.

I watched as he started thrashing and kicking and splashing. “HELP ME!” the Great Man screamed. “I can't SWIM! HELLLP!”

The pond is only four feet deep. But it was over Upchuck's head.

Time for me to be the big hero.

I pulled the long stick from Angel and went running to the edge of the pond. I waved it over him. “Grab on, sir!” I called. “I'll fish you out. Grab on!”

He splashed and thrashed some more. Then his little hands grabbed the limb.

“I've got you, sir,” I said. I tugged with all my strength, and he came sliding onto the muddy shore. “Bernie B. to the rescue!”

“Why—why—why—” he sputtered. He shook his whole body—like a wet dog. Water went flying off him.

“Bernie,” he snarled, squeezing the soaked knees of his pants. “Get to my office. Now. You knocked me into the water. One of your funny jokes? Well, soon you're not going to be laughing!”

“No! Not true!” I cried. “It wasn't
me
, sir. It's not my stick. It—it was the new kid. The new kid—”

I spun around. Where WAS he?

Angel?

Angel had vanished.

“It was the new kid,” I said. “You've gotta believe me, sir. It was Angel Goodeboy. He—”

“IN MY OFFICE! NOW!” the Great Man shouted.

As I slunk away, somewhere in the bushes behind me I heard a soft giggle.

Angel's giggle.

That afternoon I went to see my buddies Feenman and Crench in their room. They were down on the floor. I saw an open can of Pringles potato chips next to their bunk beds. They had the chips spread out all over the floor.

“Dudes, what's up?” I asked.

Feenman didn't look up. He had his head close to the floor and was studying the chips.

“We're trying to find one that's different,” Crench said.

Feenman sighed. “So far, they're all the same.”

“Why are you looking for one that's different?” I asked.

Feenman shrugged. “I don't know.”

Crench shrugged, too. “Something to do, I guess.”

“Mr. Boring said we should do experiments,” Feenman said. (Mr. Boring is our Science teacher.) “I like doing experiments with chips because then I can eat them.” He grabbed up a handful of chips and shoved them into his mouth.

“How do they taste?” Crench asked.

“Mmmph-mmmph. All the same,” Feenman said.

“Interesting,” Crench said. “Very interesting. We should experiment with the nacho cheese flavor, too. And maybe garlic and onion.”

I let out an angry cry and kicked the Pringles can across the room.

“Big B, what's your problem?” Feenman asked.

“Didn't you hear?” I said. “I'm on probation.”

They both gasped. Chewed-up chips dribbled out of Feenman's mouth. He picked the sticky blob up from the floor and shoved it back into his mouth. “Probation? Is that good or bad?”

“Bad,” I said. “Very bad.”

“What does it mean?” Crench asked.

I shook my head. “It means that Angel Goodeboy is trying to get me kicked out of school. First he wanted my room all to himself. Now he wants me totally gone.”

Feenman climbed to his feet. “But Angel is a good guy, Bernie,” he said. “Look. He gave us these chips.”

“Yeah. You've gotta give the dude a chance,” Crench said.

I gritted my teeth. “See?” I cried. “He's even got YOU guys fooled! He's not an angel. He's EVIL!” I started pacing back and forth and accidentally stepped on the chips.

CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.

“Watch out,” Feenman said. “I gotta
eat
those!”

“Don't you guys see what he's doing?” I shouted. “He's got all my friends fooled. And Mrs. Heinie, too. What am I gonna do?”

Angel appeared in the doorway. He grinned at us. “Dudes, I hope you weren't talking about me!” He laughed. “Sorry you got into trouble this morning, Bernie.”

Before I could answer, Belzer pushed his way into the room. He was carrying a big bouquet of flowers wrapped in a paper cone.

“Are those for me?” Angel cried. He made a grab for them. “Probably from my mother back home. Or maybe my big sister, Honey Goodeboy. Or maybe my other sister, Angelcake Goodeboy.”

Belzer pulled them away from him. “They're not for you,” he said. “They're for Bernie.”

I took the flowers and sniffed them. “Well, of course, they're for me,” I told Angel. “From one of my many admirers.”

I carried them into my room. The guys followed me. “I know who they're from!” I said. “April-May has finally come to her senses. She's
crazy
about me! Look at these flowers. Awesome! I knew she'd finally wake up.”

I found a small card inside the paper cone. I pulled it out. My fingers trembled as I started to open it.…

Were they really from April-May?