The Rottenest Angel (3 page)

April-May whipped around so hard, her ponytail smacked her in the face. “I
can't
wait up, Bernie,” she said. “I'm in a big hurry.”

“A big hurry?” I said. “To do what?”

“To get away from you,” she said.

“Ha-ha-ha.” I laughed. She has an
awesome
sense of humor. I knew she was kidding. “Where are you going?” I asked.

She flipped her ponytail behind her. “To the library. You know. The place where they have books.”

“I
love
books,” I said. My heart started to pound.
“Books are my favorite thing for reading. Maybe you and I could read one together.”

“Good idea,” she said. “Maybe when I pull out all my hair and tattoo your name on my head.”

“Could that be on Friday?” I asked.

She started to walk away. I hurried after her. “Friday night is movie night at the Student Center,” I said. “Would you like to go with me?”

She spun around again. “Bernie, who is that new boy in your dorm? I hear he's really cute.”

I gulped. “Angel? Cute? You wouldn't like him. He has hair growing out of his nose, and he licks it.”

She stomped down hard on my foot.

“OWWWW!” I let out a scream and stumbled back. “Why did you do that?”

“Just felt like it,” she said. “Now tell me about this new kid.”

“What about my question about Friday night?” I said.

“I already forgot it,” April-May said.

Flora and Fauna—the Peevish twins—came running up. The twins are identical. They are both short and thin and have brown hair and brown eyes.
There's only one way to tell which is which: Fauna is the one on the left.

“We heard there's a cute new guy in your dorm,” Fauna said.

“I heard it first,” Flora said.

“Did not,” Fauna said. “I heard it
before
he even came here.”

“I heard it before that!” her sister said.

They started slapping each other and tearing at each other's hair. April-May and I had to pull them apart.

“So? What's he like?” Flora asked.

“You wouldn't like him,” I said. “He's very hairy, and he grunts. He doesn't talk. He scratches his
armpits, and he sniffs them. And he smells like two-day-old diarrhea.”

Good description, huh?

All three girls stared at me.

“You're lying,” April-May said.

“Yeah. He's lying,” Fauna agreed.

“Maybe a little,” I replied.

“We're having a party at the girls' dorm Tuesday afternoon,” April-May said. “Could you send the new kid over?”

“He's not ready for a party,” I said. “Too shy. I'm trying to show him the ropes. Break him in slowly. Maybe I could come in his place.”

“I don't think so,” April-May said.

“We heard he's a total angel,” Flora said. “Send him over, Bernie.”

“I get to meet him first,” Fauna said.

“No. Me,” her sister shot back. “Because I heard about him first.”

“I heard about him last year,” Fauna said.

“I heard about him two years ago,” Flora replied.

 

SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!

 

They started pounding each other again. It was pretty ugly.

April-May jogged off to the library. I turned and slumped back to the dorm, thinking hard.

Maybe I should give Angel a break. Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe he
did
want to be best friends. Maybe he
wasn't
evil.

I climbed the stairs to my room. I'll try being nice, I decided.

After all, who on this planet is nicer than Bernie B.?

I stepped into the room with a dazzling smile on my face. Glanced around—and let out a

 

GAAAAAACK!

My mouth dropped open. My tongue hung out. I made HUNH-HUNH panting sounds. And I stared at the posters tacked on the walls. More angel posters. Dozens of them.

Little baby angels with pink cheeks and fluffy wings. All with Angel's face. Flying all over MY walls!

“I hope you don't mind,” Angel said. He was sitting on MY bed. “The angels are just so CUTE!” He giggled. “And Mrs. Heinie really liked them, too. She helped me tack them up.”

GAAAAAAACK!

 

“Hunh-hunh-hunh,” I said.

“Oh, my gosh and goodness. I've been really busy,” Angel said. He jumped up and moved to the dresser. “I put my clothes in the bottom drawer like you said, Bernie. But I looked in the other drawers. And I saw your stuff was all wrinkled and jammed in.”

“So?” I asked.

“So I pulled everything out,” Angel said. “I piled your stuff on the closet floor, where you'll have more room.”

My mouth dropped open even lower. My jaw was hanging around my knees! “You—you took over the whole dresser? You threw all my clothes on the closet floor?” I stammered.

“Don't thank me,” Angel said. He flashed me one of his sparkling smiles.

“I'm happy to help you out, Bernie,
since you're my new best friend.”

 

GAAAAACK!

 

I knew it. I KNEW it. It didn't take me long to figure out this dude's plan. Forget the angel act. He wanted to take over my room. He wanted to force me OUT!

“I totally like those two tall, thin friends of yours,” he said. “Feenman and Crench? They were so nice to me. I had to reward them.”

“Reward them?” I said weakly.

He nodded. “Yeah. I gave them a bunch of candy bars I found in your closet. It made them really happy.”

I let out a shriek. “My Nutty Nutty Bars? You
gave
them my Nutty Nutty Bars? But I get
two dollars each
for those candy bars!”

Angel's angelic smile spread until I thought his cheeks would burst. “It's
nice to do
good
things for others. Don't you agree?”

 

GAAAAACK!

 

If he wanted to do good things, why did he have to use MY candy bars?

I lurched across the hall into Feenman and Crench's room. They were both stretched out on their bunk beds, stuffing their faces with chocolate bars.

“Get up. We've got work to do,” I said. “We've gotta get that new kid out of my room. Out of Rotten House! He doesn't belong in our dorm.”

CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!

They didn't answer me for a long time. Their cheeks were bulging with Nutty Nutty Bars.

“Big B, Angel is a great guy,” Feenman said finally. He had chocolate smeared on his cheeks and chin. And how did he get it on his forehead? “He gave us all
these Nutty Nutty Bars—for
free
!”

“Yeah. Free,” Crench muttered, chewing hard. He was chewing up the wrappers and swallowing them.

“But they were MINE!” I cried. “Don't you see? He's a THIEF!”

CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!

“That's harsh, Bernie,” Feenman said. “Give the kid a break.”

“Yeah,” Crench agreed. “He's a good dude. Very generous.”

“But—but—” I sputtered.

“You're just jealous,” Feenman said. “Because he's so good looking.”

“Huh? Good-looking?” I cried. “Does he have dimples like these?” I flashed my prize-winning dimples.

CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP!

They didn't answer me.

“Dudes, he put up pictures of angels all over my room,” I said. “How can I sleep with angel eyes staring at me
from everywhere?”

“I think they're kinda cute,” Crench said.

 

GAAAAACK!

 

“Angel said he could get us free Foamy Root Beer,” Feenman said. “And free doughnuts.”

“And he said he'd try to get us a bigger room,” Crench added.

Wow. Angel was turning my own friends against me. I had to do something—fast.

But
fast
wouldn't be fast enough—because Angel had
more
plans to take over the dorm and push me out.

And they started the very next morning with a really big shock!

I woke up with sunshine beaming into my eyes. “Huh? Where am I?” I lifted my head and squinted into the light. Oh, yeah.”

It took me a few seconds to remember that I was now sleeping in a cot under the window in my room. With a sigh I raised myself higher and glanced over at MY bed.

Angel sat on the side of the bed in his striped pajamas. And what was that fat
lump next to him?

Gassy! My pet! My bulldog! Snoring away at the foot of the bed.

“Hey—what's up with him?” I cried. “That's
my
dog!”

Angel flashed me the first smile of the morning. Sunshine shimmered around him, a halo of light above his golden hair.

“Gassy seems to like dog biscuits,” he said.

I shook myself awake. “Huh? Dog biscuits?”

Angel nodded. “I gave him a
whole box
for his breakfast.”

“But—but—” I stammered. “That will make him
sick
.”

The fat bulldog let out a snort. He had a big smile on his face.

Angel raised his hands to his cheeks. “Oh, my gosh and goodness. I hope I didn't do anything wrong,” he said. “I'd never do
anything
to hurt you or
your doggie, Bernie pal.”

He petted Gassy's big lump of a head. The dog sighed softly. “Look—he likes me,” Angel said. “I think he's MY dog now!”

My bed. My dresser. My friends. My DOG?

“No way!” I cried.

I jumped off the cot. “Come with me, boy,” I said to Gassy. “You know who you belong to. Come over here with me.”

I grabbed the big dog's collar and started to tug him off Angel's bed.

Grrrrrrrrr.
Gassy bared his teeth and snarled at me.

“Whoa!” I jumped back.

Angel laughed. Gassy raised his head, stuck out his fat tongue, and started to lick Angel's face. That made Angel laugh even harder.

“Sorry, Bernie. What can I say? He loves ME now!”

I turned away and walked over to the birdcage in one corner. Maybe a box of lousy dog biscuits made Gassy a traitor. But I still had my sweet parrot.

I pulled the cover off the cage and leaned down to greet the beautiful bird. “Good morning, Lippy,” I said. “How are you today, sweetie?”

Lippy tilted his green head. He gazed out at me with one eye.

“Angel is a good bird!”
he squawked.
“Angel is a good bird! Bernie bites! Bernie bites big time!”

GAAAAAACK!

I reached in to pet my adorable parrot.
PLOP.
He dropped something hot and sticky into my hand.

GAAAAACK
AGAIN!

Angel had turned
both
of my pets against me.

What next?