The Road to Mercy (17 page)

“So you miscarried?” he asked.

Beth’s bottom lip trembled, as she stared into the distance.

“No. I hadn’t dated the guy for long. And, the truth was, I didn’t want to spend my life with him. I knew he didn’t care about me, not beyond having a good time. We were both nineteen, and we had our lives ahead of us.”

“So you put the baby up for adoption?”

Beth crossed her arms tightly around her stomach, hugging the baby in her womb. “No. I had an abortion.” The guilt and pain that had been buried inside her for years burst to the surface, erupting hot and ugly like lava from the depths of the earth.

Josh took his foot off the accelerator and eased the Jeep to the side of the road. He stopped the car and turned to her, his dark-brown eyes full of confusion, pain, and anger. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because . . . I was ashamed.”

A psychologist would have a fancy name for what she had just done. Probably even congratulate her for finally getting it out. Surely it would be cathartic. She could now make peace with her past. Maybe even realize it wasn’t as bad as she had thought. The light of day would now bleach her sins.

Or she could make excuses. The same ones she had told herself for years.

It was only a fetus
.

I had to do it. There was no real choice
.

And, of course,
it was best for everyone, especially the baby
.

Beth stared at the dirty, dry underbrush beside the four-lane highway. A few remaining Jack-in-the-Pulpit berries decorated the winter wasteland, like red blood clinging to the dying grasses, and a rush of nausea filled her throat. She opened the car door and stumbled across the scrub grass in the right-of-way. Then, falling to her knees, she began retching up the remains of the secrets from her past.

After she returned to the car, they rode in silence. The look in Josh’s eyes, and his body language, told her everything she needed to know. All she had done was transfer her pain to him. What she had thought would be the path to complete forgiveness had sent her in the wrong direction.

If she could take back the words, she would. But then again, there was a lot in her life she would like to take back right now.

As they approached the I-24 and I-65 intersection outside of Nashville, Josh spoke. “Don’t tell anyone else about this. I can’t imagine what it would do to my career.” His voice was dry and empty.

“Please, don’t hate me, Josh. I never wanted to hurt you. Try to understand my pain.”

He glanced at her with disgust. “I understand I don’t know you,” he said. “I always thought you were honest with me. I guess I was wrong.”

Bethany ached to get home. Maybe if she gave him some space, his mood would improve before bedtime. When she walked in the door, she knew that wasn’t going to happen. Their living room floor was covered with white, fluffy, pillow stuffing from inside Josh’s favorite chair, and the dog was lying in the midst of it.

“Buster! You’re a bad, bad boy!” She rushed to the little terrier’s side. Although she was angry with him, she feared Josh’s reaction would be worse.

“What’s this?” he asked, standing frozen in the entryway.

The little terrier cowered.

“You stupid . . .” Josh raised his hand to strike as he crossed the room.

“No!” Beth gathered the shaking dog in her arms. “Don’t hurt him. He doesn’t know any better.”

“Doesn’t know better? Are you kidding me?” Josh turned his anger on her. “We’ve taught him from the first day to do the right thing.”

“And he made a mistake.”

“A mistake? My chair is ruined.”

“What’s wrong with you, Josh? Are you so callous you can’t forgive anyone of anything?” Beth held back her tears. She wasn’t about to give her husband the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

“The world is a rough place,” he scowled. “You have no idea what I have on my shoulders right now. My work. Taking care of you.”

Beth bit her lip. “I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much.”

“You’re positive everything will work out, aren’t you? Well, we don’t live in a fairy-tale world, Princess Bethany.” He pointed toward her stomach. “That’s a real baby in your womb. If you would stop taking so many prescription drugs, maybe you would understand that.”

“Stop it!” Beth screamed.

“No. You stop it,” he said. “You’ve killed one baby, and I don’t want you to kill another.”

The phone rang, and Josh shouted a hello to the unknown caller. Most likely a telemarketer.

“Josh?”

It was Beth’s Grandpa Randall.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, sir.” Josh’s conscience pricked. “I’m sorry. I was just yelling at the dog before you called.”

“I don’t mean to bother you. I was just checking to see if you kids got home okay.”

“Yes, sir.” Josh looked around for his wife, who had left the room. “Would you like to talk to Bethany?”

“No. In fact, I’m glad you answered.” The older man said. “I want to thank you for taking such good care of my granddaughter. I meant to say something while you were here but never got the chance.”

Guilt grabbed Josh by the throat and held his words hostage. “I do the best I can,” he managed to say.

“It can’t be easy, son. You have a lot to handle right now, but you’re doing a good job.”

“Thank you, sir. I’m not always perfect, but we’ll get through it.” Josh tugged at the collar of his shirt, which was beginning to feel like a noose around his neck.

“With God’s help you will.” Beth’s grandfather’s voice was shaky. “My wife and I aren’t able to help you much from way up here, but you’re both in our prayers. Give Bethany our love.”

“I will. And thank you again for the Christmas gifts.”

Josh placed the phone back in its cradle and a few minutes later went in search of Beth. She was already in bed asleep. Or pretending to be.

Josh awoke to silence the following morning. Beth must have gotten up early, something unusual for her these days. The drugs usually kept her asleep well into the day.

No doubt she wanted to be as far away from him as possible. A twinge of guilt nipped at him for the way he had acted last night. In the light of day, he felt somewhat like the bully who had picked on the smallest kid at school.

He had probably overreacted. But what was he supposed to do? Praise her for her dishonesty? She should have told him about the abortion before they were married.

But it wasn’t just that. Josh assuaged his conscience with the reminder that he was carrying the financial load by himself. Beth had no idea what he had to deal with right now. He had been out on tour for almost nine months straight, and weariness ached in every muscle. Since her illness, he had to deal with medical bills, insurance forms, and making sure that every aspect of their lives ran smoothly.

No doubt, she didn’t appreciate him as she should. She had only been thinking of herself. She wasn’t even trying to back off the drugs. Alex had told him last week that Beth’s tolerance
to the morphine had increased, requiring her to step up to a larger patch. She now took more than twice what she did when she left the hospital in October. What was that doing to their baby?

Josh heard the click of Buster’s toenails on the hardwood floors. The little dog jumped into the bed, grinned at him, and then rolled over for a belly rub. Dogs had the forgiveness thing down pat. Much more so than humans.

It was time to put the past behind him and Beth.

Josh threw back the covers, put on his robe, and set off for the kitchen to find his wife. The smell of fresh coffee aroused his senses when he walked into the living room, meeting Beth in the hallway. She gave him a questioning look. He smiled, and her face brightened.

“Good morning,” she said, shortening the distance between them.

“Yes, it is.” He reached out to pull her to him, and the doorbell rang.

Her expression changed from acquiescence to panic.

“What’s wrong?”

She pulled her blue pinstriped robe closer to herself, fiddling with the sash. “It’s the furniture deliverymen. I’m not ready—”

“It’s no problem,” he told her. “Get dressed. I’ll take care of it.” He tucked a lock of her dark brown hair behind her ear. Perhaps they could start today off better than last night had ended. “I’m anxious to see what you found at the consignment shop.”

“Josh . . .” Her voice faded.

“What?”

“Never mind,” she said, before hurrying down the hallway to the bedroom.

When Josh opened the door he saw the truck from Maison de Reve Furniture.
What had Beth done?

An older man in tidy blue coveralls stood on the front porch. He held papers in his hand. “Good morning, sir. Is this the Harrison residence?”

Josh nodded.

“We’re here to deliver some bedroom fur—”

Josh stepped forward. “I believe there’s been a mistake. My wife isn’t—”

A younger man quickly joined his co-worker. “Hey, aren’t you Josh Harrison, the singer?” He stuck out his hand. “I’m thrilled to meet you.”

What were the chances?

“I’m sure you hear it all the time, but your music really changed my life.” The younger man pointed to the sky. “Really helped change my relationship with the guy upstairs, if you know what I mean.” His cheeks colored slightly. “And with my family too.”

Josh shook his head. “That’s great to hear.” He opened the door wider.

The first man looked from his co-worker to Josh. “So, you said there was a mistake, Mr. Harrison?”

Josh stepped backward. “It’s not a problem. We didn’t expect you this early, but we’ll work it out. I’ll show you where the furniture will be going.”

By the time she slipped out of her pajamas and into jeans and a sweatshirt, Beth had decided to stand up for herself. So what that Josh thought she’d spent too much money? Hadn’t she made the decision that was best for the baby? If her husband couldn’t see that, it was his problem.

When she walked into the nursery, the deliverymen were unpacking the combination dresser–baby changing station. Josh had parked himself next to the window. He stood with his arms folded against his chest and a gruff expression on his face. He gave her a sideways glance as she entered the room.

“You must be Mrs. Harrison.” The younger of the deliverymen greeted her. “You’ve picked out a beautiful set for your baby.” He pointed toward Josh. “I’m sure your husband and you will enjoy it.”

She offered the man a thankful smile, and cast a cynical nod toward Josh. “Thank you. I’m sure we will.”

“I was just telling your husband how much I appreciate his ministry,” the man continued. “It has really blessed me.”

“Really?” Beth turned to Josh. He shook his head and paced to the corner of the room.

“Billy,” the older deliveryman interrupted. “Let’s quit talking and get this finished before dark.” He turned to Beth. “Where do you want the bed set up, ma’am?”

Less than an hour later Josh accompanied the men to the front door, while Beth stayed in the nursery to admire the furniture. She ran her hand along the rich dark cherry finish of the dresser and dared to hope that everything would work out, for the baby as well as for her marriage. If Josh would drop the issue of cost, they could move on with life. Maybe she’d spent too much, but they would pay for it somehow. She held her hand to her ever-expanding tummy. Just as long as the baby didn’t pay for it—for her mistakes.