The Religion War (11 page)

"I want you to care about this place as much as I do! If you don't, I can replace your ass tomorrow! "The pink-haired woman harrumphed and turned away. Then turned back with an afterthought. "That reminds me," she said in a softer voice that seemed as though she was channeling an entirely different person, "have you written down all your recipes so I can fire you any time I want?"

"Almost. I have a few more to do," said the chef.

"Very good. Give me a hug."

The pink-haired lady hugged the chef, who smiled and chuckled before returning to the kitchen."I have new pictures of my baby ifyou want to see them," said the chef over his shoulder.

"Nah.But ifyou get some pictures of your cat, bring them in. I love cats. Kids, not so much. "The chef laughed again as he disappeared into the kitchen.

The Avatar watched the scene in its entirety before looking at the bartender and saying,"I didn't realize you were closed. I will find something from a vending machine."

The pink-haired woman moved in on him. "Vending machine? You walk into my restaurant and say you want to eat from a frickin' vending machine? What is your story, blanket-boy?" The Avatar just looked at her and smiled. She said, "I'm Stacey. I own this joint. Well, technically I have a partner, but he isn't worth a damn. Sit down and we'll make you something." Stacey gestured toward a table in the empty dining room. The Avatar complied, taking a seat in the middle of a sea of white tablecloths. Stacey opened the menu in front of him and started pointing. "You'll have one ofthese. No, forget that, Ijust tore the chef a new one about this dish, so take this one. That's my favorite."

"I should eat
your
favorite food?" asked the Avatar, enjoying the show.

"Everyone
should eat my favorite food, Gandhi, unless you're on a hunger strike.You aren't on a hunger strike, are you?"

"I don't go to restaurants for my hunger strikes," the Avatar answered.

"One vegetablecroute!"yelled
Stacey in the general direction of the kitchen. A frightened line cook nodded.

"And a glass of water, please," said the Avatar.

"You'll have wine."

"I only want water."

"One Chardonnay."

Stacey made hand signals to the bartender, who was still wiping water spots offthe bar glasses. He nodded and started to pour a Chardonnay. Stacey pulled out a chair and sat down across from the Avatar. "I think I have a headache or a tumor or something. I gained two pounds this week and my hair is falling out in clumps. And I have gas. Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Thank you for the warning."

"I don't know how I do this job every day. I'm going to quit. I swear I am. Except it wouldn't work because I own the place. I'd fire my ass if I could, but I don't want to pay the unemployment benefits to myself."

An attractive twenty-something server, off duty, approached the table carrying her apron.The Avatar noticed that her makeup was an unusual choice, and it was the second time he had seen that distinctive makeup choice that day. Her shoes looked familiar too, and her hair had the pink tint that was in style lately. He detected the first signs of a pattern, but it was interrupted.

"Iron your shirt, you slob," lectured Stacey.

"Ijust ironed it," protested the server.

"No, Stevie Wonder ironed that shirt."

"Who's Stevie Wonder?" asked the server.

"Ai-yi-yi.You know nothing. Iron your shirt again."

Stacey dismissed the server with a wave of her hand and turned to the Avatar. "So, are you a nut or what? I need to hear a good story. My television has been broken for a week. My pet chicken chewed through the cables."

"I'm an Avatar."

"And that would be...what, like a captain?"

"Something like that."

"Okay, Captain. Hey, I like that.Your name is Captain now."

The line cook delivered the Avatar's dish to the table. Stacey's eyes locked on to the dish, and she took a deep breath. "Are those mashed potatoes? I told you to use Yukon potatoes! Did your mother drop you on your head when you were little or do you just choose to ignore me?"

The Avatar smiled at the cook, who mouthed a silent "ouch" and scurried away.

"So what's your story? Tell me everything. I'll know if you're lying."

"Do you really want to know?" the Avatar asked before putting a bite of asparagus in his mouth.

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't want to know. I've seen a billion people walk through these doors and I can tell when someone has a story. It's all over your face. Cough it up."

"A war is about to break out."

"That terrorist thing?They bomb us, we bomb them.Tell me something I don't know."

"You don't know that two billion people will die if the war happens. I plan to stop it."

"Oookay, sorry I asked." Stacey sat back in her chair and watched the Avatar chew.

"Delicious," he said.

"Of course." Stacey continued to stare at the Avatar, and he allowed it, not showing the least bit of discomfort. A minute passed and she couldn't take it anymore. "You're scaring me, Captain."

"What took you so long?"

"You weren't lying, were you?"

The Avatar nodded. She was as good at reading faces as she claimed.

"How can a guy like
you
stop a war? You couldn't even feed yourself until I decided to have pity on your ass. And you dress like a hobo on crack.What's up with that?"

"Would it be okay if I answered the first question?"

Stacey laughed. "Okay. Ifyou do a goodjob on that I'll let the other ones slide. Go."

"Think of humanity as a giant software program. Our bodies are the hardware and our ideas are the software. Sometimes our software gets a virus."

"What the hell are you talking about, Captain?"

"Religious misinterpretations. People who are infected with flawed religious ideas can infect others, especially their children. The religions spread and mutate, until there are thousands of different religious ideas, most of them harmless, some healthy and helpful, but others quite deadly. When the deadly ones reach a critical mass, they threaten the whole."

"The hole?"

"The entirety."

"Good, because I hate holes. So what do you do about this virus?"

"I'm looking for the reboot button, metaphorically speaking. I'm looking for the one person who is connected to everyone else in a chain of influence. The Prime Influencer That is why I am visiting GIC today. Their computers are doing a search for that person now."

"So you're saving the world?" Stacey asked.

"That's the plan."

"Okay, so suppose you find this Prime Influencer person. What are you going to do, change his opinion somehow? I don't think so. I've been around a long tine and I've never seen anyone change his opinion just because some rag-wearing nut tells him to."

"You don't believe people can change their opinions?" asked the Avatar.

"Come on. Who buys books written by conservatives? Conservatives. Who buys books written by liberals? Liberals. People only listen to what they want to hear. No one changes anyone's mind."

"Even if the argument is very good?"

"Hasn't happened. Never will."

The Avatar sat back in his chair, adjusting his napkin on his lap. "I can see why you would have that view. But in reality, everyone knows
one
person who can change his opinion on a particular topic—usually a different person for each topic. It is not the argument or the logic that matters to people, but the source. Humans are driven by examples, by role models, not by logic."

"So you're saying someone could make me a devil worshipper even if I didn't want to be? That's nutty."

"A year ago you would have said that no one could convince you to wear pink-tinted hair. But you seem to have embraced that trend enthusiastically."

"Hey, Captain, don't be knocking my hair. And besides, I wasn't copying anyone. I just like the color."

"Okay."

"Why don't you talk to the religious people and find out why they believe nonsense? Whatever magic they're using to brainwash each other must be working," said Stacey.

"You don't believe in God?" asked the Avatar.

"Not one that matters."

"How could God not matter?"

"Let's say there's some powerful big ol' God that created everything. He must be a moron because somehow he gave everyone a different idea of what he wants. I mean if you're omnipotent, the least you could do is tell us which holy book to read. He can't even get the little crap right."

The Avatar decided to test her line of thinking with an argument that was common albeit flawed. "If God exists he must be smart to design the world so perfectly. Everything is in perfect balance. If any of our natural laws were altered in the least, life would be unsustainable. Only an omnipotent genius could create such perfect balance in the laws ofphysics."

"Physics shmysics. If God is so smart, why do you fart?"

The Avatar waited for the rest of the argument, but there was none.The two strangers stared at each other for a moment before being overcome with a wave of laughter that brought both of them to tears. The restaurant staff all stopped and watched as the unlikely duo convulsed. After minutes of uncontrolled laughing, the kind that clears the mind and makes your
feet
warm, the Avatar smiled and took out his universal payment card.

"Save your money, Captain.You're going to need it for the hospital bills if you keep insulting people's hair. This one's on me."

As the Avatar walked toward the exit, the bartender smiled and said, "Thanks for coming, Captain."

Eric Mackey met the Avatar in the lobby of GIC and told the guard to issue a security badge. He was obviously agitated. Mumbling turned into loud anger on the elevator ride up. "It can't be done.Too many variables. I've tried a dozen approaches. I can't find a way to isolate the lines of influence in the database. There just isn't enough data. Every time I think I'm close, bam, something blows up."

"You will find it," assured the Avatar.

"?'d better find it fast, because it's getting pretty obvious to everyone that I'm not working on my job. But more to the point, it's
not possible."

"It is possible. I can feel it."

"What do you mean you can 'feel it'? Are you a programmer? You dress like one."

"No. But I have a distinct feeling that the answer is here. I can sense the pattern as I approach the building."

"Good Lord, you're a lunatic and I'm working for you. What's that make me?"

"Why are you helping me?"

"Because I feel like it's my personal responsibility to save the world from idiots. I don't know how these morons can believe in God anyway. The whole war would be unnecessary if they just woke up and smelled the science. Evolution has been proven a hundred times over .You'd think that would be proof enough."

"Evolution has been proven?" the Avatar asked as they walked down the corridor of cubicles.

"Don't start with me."

"How do you define evolution in scientific terms?" asked the Avatar.

"It's the gradual change of species over time. That's the quick and dirty definition."

"How do you define 'time' in scientific terms?" asked the Avatar.

"You know what time is."

"According to physicists, time is an artifact of our perceptions, not an objective quality of the universe. So evolution, according to you, is defined as the gradual change of species over
something that doesn 't exist."

"Clever. I have to think about that.You're freaky, dude."

"I have one more question."

"Shoot."

"If you believe in evolution, then you believe that some part of the human population will eventually evolve to a new species, don't you?" asked the Avatar.

"Well, I guess so. Probably more than one species."

"Do you see the beginnings of that evolution yet? Have you spotted any people who are on their way to being a new species?"

"Hmm...not really. Maybe some people are getting taller or something, but no one is growing wings. But if you're saying that evolution is false because you can't see it happening, that's a bogus argument. We wouldn't necessarily notice any small changes in our lifetimes."

"Actually, you wouldn't notice any large changes either, apparently."

"Likewhat?"

"Humans have already split into two distinct groups that could, according to your understanding oftime, become separate species."

"Who are these groups?"

"I call one group Awares and the other Gullibles.The Gullibles believe anything that makes them feel good, no matter how unproven or irrational. Awares are the opposite, persuaded only by reason and evidence. Awares will sometimes believe things that are unproven, for practical reasons, but never because it makes them feel good. The two groups overlap now. Most people have a combination of both. But the people at the extremes, the true Awares and true Gullibles, will increasingly mate only with their own kind. The Awares will consider the Gullibles too backward for mating. The Gullibles will consider the Awares too godless and immoral. In a million years the Awares will be a separate branch of humanity fighting for survival."

"Why would the Awares have to fight to survive? They sound like the smart ones."

"Awares are a small group already, and they tend to breed slowly compared to Gullibles. Their survival depends on the majority allowing them to survive. And sooner or later the Gullibles will feel threatened by the Awares."

"Okay, but I'm not worrying about that now. I just wanted to tell you that I don't think there's enough data to find the one you're looking for. If it was possible, I could do it. But it isn't."

"The answer is here," said the Avatar.

"Why should I believe you? I don't even know your last name."

"You've listened to my story, and like a good skeptic, you judged it highly unlikely to be true because it sounds so extraordinary. But if I'm right, and two billion lives are at stake, you know you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't at least try. And besides, you can't resist the challenge. You can practically smell the solution, and it's eating at you that you can't nail it."