The Quest (22 page)

              I sat in the dim light of my living room with the outside sounds coming in from the opened window. I sat Indian style on the rags I had lain across my pristine floor to protect it. I sat there in silence, HUBs stopped pounding an hour or so ago, covered head to toe in every color of paint I had available to me. I sat naked but not cold, not ashamed of my body, and just stared ahead; staring at the wall before me. My iPod had grown silent. My body and my mind were very still in awe of what I had created. The breeze blowing through my curtained window was tantalizing. I was humbled. I began to try to make sense of it all and read the painting as if it spoke to me. What was it saying to me? What was it that it needed me to know? It was so massive and bold, so strikingly beautiful with its sharp strokes and rounded curves. But in the same sense, it was calm and quiet radiating peace within. Could I be missing something? It really was crazy beautiful just like me.

              Then it hit me. It hit me like an ocean wave rising high then diving deep to drown my soul. I fought it hard at first, feeling my throat swell, my heart pound, my toes tingle, till it resonated with me. It was Peace. My Peace. The peace I felt I no longer possessed due to all the distractions I’d had in my life. I realized now I unknowingly created this masterpiece right from my very soul to show myself that my
peace
hadn’t abandoned me, it was still there and very much alive within me. I had been struggling with the whole dating scene I didn’t want to be cast back into, with Denver abandoning me due to my childless producing body, with Radley appearing to take care of me and my desire to still want him in my life, and also with Sofie’s demise. The painting was trying to tell me, in the midst of all my madness, my
peace
had not left me after all. That I needed to not worry about my love life, that it would one day come in the arms of a fine man that was deserving of me. He would complete me regardless of what my body could produce. I needed to not worry about Radley showing up or what that must have meant, it more than likely didn’t mean anything. Nor worry about Sofie. She would find her peace when she is ready and willing to accept it in her life. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want your help. They will come to you in their own time. Just be there for them when they do reach out to you. This I so understood. I was now smiling at the massive colorful print before me. It was so crystal clear now.

              I closed my eyes and placed my hands palm side up upon my knees. I straightened out my posture and sat upright. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it all out through my mouth. I took another deep breath in this time feeling it deep within my belly and let it out with a roar. I repeated this deep breath roar over and over again. Then I remembered an old Buddha prayer I had picked up on one of my trips to Hawaii. It was the Prayer of Compassion called the
Om Mani Padme Hum
. It means this:

             
Om:
Helps you achieve perfection in the practice of generosity. Chanting
Om
helps us maintain mental and emotional calmness to overcome obstacles in our lives. (My obstacle was the need to have a man in my life. I shouldn’t have to have a man in my life to complete me. They should only be there to add joy.)

             
Mani:
Helps you to perfect the practice of pure ethics, tolerance, and patience. (I really needed to practice patience.) It symbolizes compassion and love. With all intentions to achieve enlightenment.

             
Padme:
Chanting this helps you to achieve perfection in the practice of perseverance and concentration. (I’ve been without concentration. My mind had been muddled with thoughts and worries in the passing days.)
Padme
means lotus, symbolizing wisdom. A lotus grows in the mud but is not stained by it. Thus, it shows the quality by which we live in the world but are not affected by its impurities.

             
Hum:
Helps you to achieve perfection by wisdom. (I’ve never achieved perfection in anything, but I admit I do try.) It means inseparability and symbolizes purity. You achieve this by combining wisdom with method. (The art of thinking and doing.)

              So here I am purifying my mind and heart using the mantra for protection, raveling in the spirit of calmness with my prayer of compassion. Here I am, before the Good Lord and the universe in front of my beautiful painting shining with my speckled colored nakedness and all the glory the painting had possessed. I was open. I was Free. But still, I knew was very vulnerable. I was a work in progress, in light of what all I had learned, I still had a long road ahead of me. And then in light of it all, he knocked on my door.

              His knock was soft, I was lightheaded feeling free when I answered not thinking or remembering my body was now naked and covered in every color of paint that I possessed. He was dressed in boots, faded jeans, and a black tight T-shirt that hugged him rather nicely. His smile was warm not mean but he was speechless.

              I hesitated in the doorway not sure if I should even bother to greet him. Not a problem, though, he greeted me. He took one step toward me, taking the breath out of me
,
making my head spin in an exorcism kind of way right before I closed my eyes. The last thing I remember thinking was, “Damn that Brute could kiss!”

Chapter Fourteen

The Five Second Rule

“
H
i.”

              “Hi.”

              “How are you?”

              “Fine. U?”

              “Great. Missing u.”

              “Umm…who is this?” I wish I didn’t have to ask but I didn’t recall the number. I figured it must have been someone I had passed my number to off one of those dating sites. Was it someone I had a good time with? Nah, there were so few of those. And I kept the names in my phone of those I actually enjoyed meeting. I anxiously waited for his reply. Finally, he responded.

              “Josh, Sofie’s friend, remember me?”

              Oh yes, Josh. The guy that Sofie had set me up with years ago. The guy that I befriended and he wasn’t set on being in the friend zone but I couldn’t help it, it was where he belonged. The guy that I loved like a brother, spent countless of hours chatting with, that took me alligator watching with wine. Yup, Josh. He’s a guy I would never forget.

              One evening Josh showed up at my apartment half blitzed. It was the night of the famous ice storm that shut down Huntsville for a week. As I said he arrived with dinner and a fine bottle of wine, yes out of the blue. He was good like that popping in unannounced. But dinner as I later discovered was an eighteen pound frozen turkey and a bottle of cheap ass wine which he informed me was the best and of course his favorite. He was good like that too.

              Now I wasn’t expecting him, hadn’t heard from him in a while. He was MIA since the night he left me on the hood of his truck without saying goodbye. We were once great buddies, comrades, my brother from another mother, but Josh couldn’t do that. He wanted way more than I was willing to give him. Yes, Josh was friend zoned within the first five-seconds of our meeting. How is that possible? Let’s be honest it’s very possible. There are just those guys that are never going to get past the handshake. They are lucky if you allow them to kiss you on the cheek, am I right?

              Getting back to that night… It was freezing cold, and bundled up Josh was at my door asking to come in. I said, “Sure.” He was once my buddy after all and it was freezing cold outside. I had no idea he was that blitzed, though. He was grabby, flirtatious, and frisky. He had every intention to make it known to me what his interest was. He was on a mission: to steal my heart. But I wasn’t having it. I was not interested at all even after all the time we spent apart, I still friend zoned him again when I opened my door to him. What was it that caused me to friend zone him so quickly?

              Josh was an amazing guy, really. He was a fine man. He had fine attributes that set him apart from most of the men I have met in my life. He has pretty eyes, a nice smile and dimples. Our kids would be adorable. Just saying. But I couldn’t have any so that was not a concern for me. He had a respectable job, a nice size savings account due to the fact he knew how to save money. He had high hopes to retire early and enjoy life. He was hoping I could join him. I was hoping he would find someone else so I’d be off the hook and not feel as guilty for not being as crazy for him as he was for me.

              But what exactly would put a guy like Josh in the friend zone? The five second rule; it’s rocket science.

              So to make a long story short about my last night I spent with Josh, I will only say, it was fruited by: a marathon of movie watching; a bubble bath in my tub (but only him, not me); and after he broke into my liquor cabinet and drank all my bourbon, I found him sprawled out on my bed with his naked ass laying across my fresh laundry saying, “Don’t you want some of this? How could you deny
All
this?” Yes, Josh was a little weenie winner. Bless his heart! It wasn’t entirely all his fault. Maybe they cut too much off when he was circumcised.

              His moment of naked yoga, just a moment though, which was his idea to be naked not mine, was a colorful one and one that kept me in stitches with laughter. Yes, I remember that well, especially when he was strongly informed we don’t do yoga naked for many reasons. Images of reasons I can’t get out of my head as I speak. Yes, the night was sweet with little Josh but long. I thought he was never going to leave. I do remember that big ole turkey he brought that never thawed out enough to eat. Oh, we tried; it was burnt on the outside and bloody frozen on the inside. Oh yeah, I remember Josh. I remember everything little about him. Did I say little?

              “Hey there…how ya been?” My text sounded more familiar now.

              “I’m great. Was just thinking of you the other day. Hope its okay.”

              “Sure. I guess.”

              “Would u like to meet for a drink?”

              “Right now?
”
I asked. My head still spinning from last night’s fiasco with HUBs, still unsure what to make of his visit. I had many questions I needed answers too about that kiss but was afraid it was bad juju if I asked anything. I was going with the flow. Free spirited new peaceful me:
Om Mani Padme Hum.

              “Yes.”

              I took a quick glance in the bathroom mirror and figured it wouldn’t take much to spruce me back up.

              “Okay, sure. Where?
”
He picked a bar in the neighborhood that I could walk to, and we agreed to meet in thirty minutes. Funny. I was nervous. Why? I don’t know. I hadn’t seen him since the day of that crazy ice storm. And I hadn’t spoken to him either since then. I wondered if he had changed any. I knew I had gained a few extra pounds due to the pregnancies, but I was still curvy where it counted. But other than that, I still looked the same. Not that I really cared, I reminded myself, not like I would ever be interested in Josh romantically.

              I slipped on a pair of yoga pants, I know, I’m addicted to the way they make me feel and flatter my butt, and slipped on a wife beater. No need to be dressing up for a drink that I knew was strictly platonic. There was no chance of anything, so I was set on being me, being comfortable; the real me, no frills, fancies, or fakes.

              I scooted across to the bar and arrived before he did, or at least I thought I did anyway. I sat in a seat and ordered a drink from the bartender. The bar was a little empty, a few chairs scattered around with folks but no one I recognized. Then out of the corner of my eye, up walks this guy.

              “Sadie,” he says as he hugs me, “it’s so good to see you again.”

              I had no idea who he was. I must have had a strange look on my face because he laughed and said, “What? You don’t recognize me?”

              Now, to my defense the bar was dark, but this wasn’t Josh. My Josh was a stoutly large man, with a few muscles on his chest, and a head full of hair. He was at least fifty pounds lighter now and bald. The voice was the same, okay I agree, it must have been him, but boy had he changed.

              “Wow look at you! I didn’t recognize you, sorry.”

              “It’s okay. I get that all the time.” He sat down beside me and ordered a drink.

              “So what have you been up to? Where have you been?”

              “Well, I got married…”

              “Wow really? To who?
”
I wasn’t surprised. After all, he was a good catch, a good guy. I was secretly celebrating. I was finally off the hook.

              “Someone I met online, but it didn’t work out.”

              “Why?”

              “She couldn’t get along with my ex or my kids.”

              “I’m sorry. That bad huh?”

              Wasn’t long after the drinks arrived when he spilled his life right on the counter. Just laid it all out there. And what do you know, I was in the center of it all. We were best friends, that’s all we ever were, nothing beyond a hug. I didn’t have those type of feelings for him. He was friend-zoned from the get go; now he’s here telling me how much an impact I had on his life. How he concluded after his second failed marriage, that I was the one that got away. So you know what I’m thinking right? Got away? WTF?

              “Wait a minute. I had no idea you felt that way. We were nothing more than friends. You know this.”

              “Yes, but we had a connection, Sadie, a real connection. I’ve never had that before or anyone like you for that matter.” He was holding my hand now in his. What was he thinking? I know right!

              “Josh…” I pulled my hand back and quickly grabbed my drink with it, holding on to the glass so he couldn’t do that again.

              “Honestly, Sadie, I can’t get you out of my head. Tell me you don’t feel the same. Tell me you don’t love me, I know you do!” He smiled.

              I stared into the air with a blank glare. I had no idea what I was going to do with him. What do you do with a guy like this? How do you tell him how you really feel without hurting his feelings? Does he not remember that he was the one that walked away from our friendship? And I did say friendship. Even if he had stayed we still would have been nothing more than friends. I don’t believe in the theory of growing those feelings. They are either there or there not. And for me, definitely a big not!

              His hand was moving up and down my back now as he was playing with my hair. I flinched and moved sideways removing his hand. I flagged the bartender and ordered a glass of water.

              “Please don’t, Josh. I’m seeing someone,” I lied.

              “That’s okay. I don’t mind. I’ll wait.”

              “No, you won’t wait. That’s not a good idea.”

              “I don’t mind.”

              “I don’t have the same feelings for you. I’m sorry.”

              “You will. You did before.”

              “No, I didn’t!” My voice grew loud and agitated.

              “Sure you did!”

              “When?
”
I argued. Understand I had never led him to believe we were more than friends, ever! No slips even. Always buddies. Buddies only!

              “Yes, you did. You even said you loved me.”

              “You’re confusing that love with friendship…” what was I saying, okay I have to get this point across or I’m going to have a disaster on my hands. “I do love you, did rather, but not like a girlfriend. You were my buddy remember? We were best friends not
lovers
Josh! I never want sex with you. Ever!”

              That was a little harsh. I didn’t realize how harsh until after those words had left my tongue and quieted the air around us. Eyes were on me like they were scolding me for being mean. Eyes were on him more pitiful and puppy-dog like. I heard one old lady say, “Bless him!” But there was no easy way to say it. He was like a little puppy dog all dressed up for a ball! He was sharply dressed, smelling good, and shaved. He had brand new jeans on, a nice black fitted pull over showing all his hard work, and a mile wide smile. The air around him agreed with him. But of course, I did not. I still wasn’t attracted to him in that way. Even if he was the last man standing on earth, I couldn’t kiss him. Those feelings just weren’t there for me. I didn’t want to crush him or give him false hope either. You would have thought my words would have hurt his feelings, but no. Josh looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and wide smile saying, “You will.” Very matter of fact.

              Over the years I have learned one very true thing about life…it’s a Boomerang! You throw something away and it comes back to you. Very true with men, too. You throw them away, they always come back. Test it…you will see. It’s true! It’s the boomerang theory.