The Promise of Rainbows (43 page)

His heart broke. What must she have felt to arrive here alone and see what was supposed to have been a romantic gesture? Devastated, he imagined, as his mind filled with the image of her sweeping those rose petals into a dust pan in the rain.

The front door was unlocked, so he stepped inside. Her purse was on the coffee table in the den with her key chain lying beside it. When he spotted the key to his house—their home—he flushed with shame.

“Susannah?” he called out.

No reply came.

Tracing his way through the house, he found their bags in the master bedroom. Again, the rose petals were missing from the bed. Her bags were still zipped, and he didn’t see her wedding dress in the closet when he looked. Heading to the kitchen, he spied a wine opener and a half-dyed cork lying on the counter. He picked it up. She was drinking red wine tonight. She wouldn’t touch the champagne he had chilling in the fridge.

The luxury cabin didn’t have many rooms, so it didn’t take long to determine she wasn’t in the house. He walked to the French doors leading down to the covered outdoor area by the river, which he’d built to be shady year round. He eyed a flickering light in the twilight and knew it could only be her. She brought the light with her wherever she went.

Jake opened the door and walked down the stone path to the water, squinting until his eyes adjusted to the night. From the gentle rush of the water, it looked as though the rain had been lighter here.

When he reached the end of the path, his whole chest tightened. From the soft glow of the fire in the stone fire pit, he could see Susannah sitting on one of the cushioned sofas arranged in a half-circle facing the river. Her wool coat covered part of her wedding dress, and in her left hand was a glass of wine. Her engagement ring winked in the light as she raised her glass and drained it.

He took courage from seeing she hadn’t removed the ring, but his heart clenched as he watched her raise her knees to her chest and lower her head to rest on her poofy skirt.

This
was what he’d done. He’d reduced his bride to a picture of misery on her wedding day.

He walked toward her and—not wanting to scare her—sat down on the adjacent sofa. As a soldier, he’d learned how to be quiet, and she was so wrapped up in her own world, her head nestled on her knees, she neither saw nor heard him. His hands itched to rub her back or cuddle her close. Instead, he waited for her to become aware of him.

In the soft glow of the lamp, he watched her. Her long hair was frizzier now from the humidity of the air. She’d left it down instead of putting it up in some elaborate coif. Her perfume surrounded him, and when he heard her sniff, he almost reached for her. God, he’d made her cry. Of course, he’d made her cry. It was her wedding day.

She raised her head to look out over the river. Tears shimmered in her eyes in the firelight. He could bear the silence no longer.

“Susannah,” he called softly.

She jumped in place. The wine she’d been holding slipped from her hand, but thankfully it was empty. He took the glass and set it aside.

She stared at him with veiled eyes, as if assessing his condition. “J.P. said you were coming. I’ve been praying nonstop. Oh, Jake… I’m so glad you’re safe. I was so worried. I thought you might want a fire…and to sit by the river. The house…I…wasn’t sure what to do to help you.”

He realized now why she’d cleaned up the rose petals; she must have worried that the reminder of what was supposed to happen today would make him more ill at ease. “I don’t know what to say to you. There aren’t enough ways in the English language to say ‘I’m sorry’ to make up for leaving you on our wedding day and breaking my promise to you to never go off like that. But I am sorry. More than I could ever say. Will you let me explain?”

The weight of her every hurt and fear welled in her moss-green eyes. “I know about Monty,” she whispered, resting her cheek on her knees. “Oh, Jake, I’m so sorry. He seemed so happy when he visited.”

He felt himself rock in place. “I thought so too. He was a good man. He…I don’t know how he could have done this.”

“Neither can I,” she said quietly. “His poor wife.”

Jake nodded, unable to imagine what that sweet woman was going through. “When I heard the news today…I spiraled out of control. I couldn’t seem to stop it from happening. Susannah…I was afraid that if Monty could do that to himself, what if I ended up doing that to myself—and ultimately, to you.” His voice broke, and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep control.

“Oh, Jake.” Tears rolled down her face.

“I thought working with your mama and loving you would cure me. The love I have for you, Susannah… Well, it’s bigger than any I’ve ever known—even for music—and your love for me…well, it pretty much redefines the word for me.”

Her lips trembled, and this time she wiped the tears streaming down her face. He waited to see if she would speak, but she remained silent.

“The love between us made me feel like we’d move the mountain that had been weighing me down for years.”

“I thought it would too,” she whispered finally.

The agony in her voice called to something fierce inside him, and he felt tears gather in the corners of his eyes. Had she given up hope on him?

“I walked out on you the day of our wedding, and I don’t know if I can ever make up for that. I don’t even know if this is a weight you want to carry. Susannah, I felt more broken today than I ever have, and it scared me to my core.”

She reached her hand out tentatively, almost like she was scared to touch him, and laid it on his arm. That hesitation squeezed his heart.

“You’re not broken, Jake. I know this episode was bad, but it’s nothing you can’t overcome. I believe that.”

His whole chest lifted at her words. “I broke my promise to you about stepping back.”

Fresh tears welled in her eyes and spilled over. “Yes, you did. And it hurt me, Jake, even though I know you didn’t mean to.”

“I’m so sorry, honey,” he said hoarsely, covering the hand she rested on his arm. “Can you ever forgive me?”

“Of course I forgive you,” she said immediately.

How could he believe she’d do anything different? She believed in the importance of forgiveness. “I’m humbled by that. More than I could ever tell you. I want to be worthy of you and your love, Susannah.”

“You are,” she whispered.

He wanted to caress her cheek, but he was afraid it was too soon to touch her like that.

“Let me tell you what happened after I left.”

She nodded, and he opened the palm of his hand to her, inviting her to hold it. For a moment, she studied it. Then she slowly put her hand in his.

Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he continued, “I drove. I didn’t know which direction I was going. I just…drove. I found myself on a country road in the middle of farm land. The storm had been going something fierce, and the sun suddenly broke through the clouds. Half the sky turned a brilliant blue while the other half continued on storming in darkness. I saw a line of colors shimmer in the distance. At first I didn’t know what it was…”

“It was a
rainbow,”
she said in a hushed tone, tears falling unchecked down her face again.

His throat closed with the memory. “Yes. I stopped the truck, and as I watched, that rainbow sailed across the sky. The half that had been storming seemed to fade in the face of all that brilliant light—almost like it was no match for it. That rainbow finally stretched across the whole sky. I knew it was a sign, a sign for me to come back. That God was helping me. That there was hope for me yet.”

“Didn’t I tell you?” Her lips were trembling now. “There’s always the promise of rainbows.”

He clutched her hand. “I was filled with such peace. I knew what I wanted again. I wanted to live. I
wanted
to be married to you. I wanted to make my life with you, Susannah. I love you.
God knows how much!”

He knuckled away the tears rolling down his face. A cool hand touched his jaw, and he met her gaze.

“I love you too,” she whispered hoarsely.

Closing his eyes, he let that simple benediction roll over him. “You need to know that I don’t want to be a victim to this regardless of what happened today, but if it’s given you pause… I totally understand.” Even though it would break his heart all the more.

She clutched his hand, forcing him to meet her gaze.

“I don’t think I could ever stop loving you,” she said in a tear-clogged voice. “The words in those wedding vows I planned to say today…
every
word is from my heart, just like the ones I told you the first night we made love. Those vows are a promise. Right now, they feel like a promise of rainbows, like the one God gave you today. I believe in us, Jake. Even after today. And I always will.”

He lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose hard, trying to control his emotions. Her love for him… He’d come to believe it truly was a miracle, but he was so humbled in the face of it. “Susannah, I want to give you rainbows and babies and laughter, and I always want to give you my best. I’m…just not sure I always can. Today showed me I still have a long way to go.”

He felt her scoot closer. “So, you keep working at it. Jake, I won’t leave you to do this alone.”

The rainbow might have filled him with peace, but her love filled him with new hope. “I want to promise you that this won’t happen again, but I can’t.”

Her face fell, and he rushed to continue, “What I can promise you is that I will continue to choose life. I wasn’t tempted to hurt myself—like Monty.” He had to take a moment as the knife of those words pierced his throat. “Living isn’t simply existing. Your mama helped me see that. It’s being present and being engaged with the people around you. I want you to pray with me that God continues to help me with that.” After seeing the rainbow today, he didn’t simply know he had heaven’s support. He believed it.

“I always pray for you something fierce, Jake Lassiter,” she said, “and I won’t lie and say today didn’t scare me to my core. But that rainbow today… Jake, it was more than a sign. It was a miracle, and I have to trust God to help you more than I ever could.”

He nodded, seeing the light of that rainbow in his mind. Peace filled him again, and it became easier to draw breath. “When I decided to marry you, I was making a stand against all that shit.”

She let out a shaky sigh. “You need to know that I don’t blame you. But you also need to know that you leaving today brought back all that stuff from when my daddy left us.”

“Oh, honey,” he said, lowering his head until their foreheads touched. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think.” And how selfish was that? He’d been totally caught up in his own problems.

“I only told you because you need to know how I feel too. We’re partners now—in good times and in bad.” She made a valiant effort at a smile.

“I think today redefines bad,” he said, rubbing his head against hers in comfort.

“Moments ago you said my love redefined the word for you. Maybe you need to trust that.”

Maybe he did. “I don’t doubt your love for me, and I don’t want you to doubt my love for you. But I…hate weighing you down. Susannah, it’s dark shit. Pardon my French.”

“I’m not most people.” She rushed into his arms, the embodiment of every promise, every loving word she’d said to him.

“Don’t I know it, and that makes me the luckiest man in the whole world. Susannah, I’m going to want you until I fall asleep and meet my Maker.”

She was crying softly now.

“And when I meet Him,” Jake continued, “I’m going to thank Him for giving me the best woman in the world to love.”

“Oh, Jake, I love you,” she breathed over his skin like a potent benediction.

As he held her against his heart, he felt her love begin to heal the hollow parts inside him.

Chapter 32

Susannah stood in the wings as Rye Crenshaw finished his opening set for Jake’s charity concert for veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress. Jake already had his guitar resting against his chest.

They were holding hands, and he was playing with the diamond ring he’d put on her finger only three weeks ago at their small, private wedding. This time, they’d planned an even smaller wedding than their first aborted one, and it had been perfect in every way.

Her mama came up beside them, smiling, and gave Jake a warm hug. “I just finished having a long talk with Booker and Monty’s widows. They’re lovely women. You were right to invite them to the pre-concert party in your dressing room. I know it was hard on y’all, but it’s the way healing works.”

Jake was the one who’d arranged for his old Army buddies to attend the concert with other veterans, one of whom was the brother of that waitress from Sweetwater. Jake had specially requested that Howard be present, and given all the attention the media was giving this concert, the Army had agreed to arrange it. It felt right for him to be here tonight, almost like they were coming full circle from that first episode Susannah had experienced with Jake, an episode that had only strengthened their bond.

But it was at Mama’s gentle urging that Jake had included Booker and Monty’s widows. The fear that they might deny his gesture had weighed on him something mighty. He’d cried in Susannah’s arms after receiving their RSVPs.