The Promise of Rain (19 page)

And boy, did she remember the call she’d made to her mom, ready to tell her, needing her to
be
a mom. Instead, Anna had ended up listening to her mother cry, and consoling her worries that something would happen to Anna in Africa, that she’d lose her only other child, and only family since the divorce. The panicked sobs Anna had listened to from her hotel room in Nairobi, right before her first ultrasound appointment, had confirmed that she couldn’t tell her. She’d made her mom promise to keep seeing her psychologist.

Anna had been on her own, overwhelmed with what-ifs. What if something happened to her baby? What if she, like her mom, ended up with postpartum depression, or the chronic depression that ensued after the loss of her child? A depression that tore up everyone around her. Anna understood the fears of pregnancy and motherhood as well as what it was like to cope with a parent struggling with anxiety and depression. And Anna had caused enough pain and loss. She so wished she’d been able to have her mom around.

Anna and Zoe sat in silence and watched everyone play. This felt right. It felt like a normal family. Down to earth. Together for one another. Safe. Anna missed that.

But here, she felt like a bird-watcher with foggy lenses. She missed Busara.

* * *

A
NNA
PUT
HER
HAND
against Pippa’s head. Burning hot. But just how hot, she didn’t know. Jack didn’t have a thermometer. Not even the old-fashioned in-the-rump kind. She’d hated going through his bathroom cabinet, but there were priorities at hand. All she found out was that there wasn’t any child medicine in there, either.

She brushed her hand across Pippa’s cheek. She was fast asleep. Finally. After being rocked for half an hour with a cool washcloth on her brow.

Anna slipped off the edge of the bed and sneaked out of the room. She still needed to get Pippa something for the congestion and fever. The poor thing was miserable.

Jack had gone into work to check on things, and hadn’t answered his cell. She’d tried calling it six times, and didn’t have the lab’s number.
The kitchen.
Anna hurried to the kitchen and started with the cabinet closest to the fridge. No luck in any of them. He didn’t keep any medication in the house? In the third drawer from the fridge, she found a box of Band-Aids and a tube of Neosporin, but that was it. She gave up and walked into the living room. This not-answering-his-phone business was seriously annoying. Cells were for emergencies. Who didn’t answer their cell?

Anna picked up the house phone and tried to call him again. Still no answer. She was done trying.
Zoe.
Zoe would have sick-kid supplies, or maybe she’d give Anna a ride to the drugstore. She was about to scroll through Jack’s contacts for Zoe’s number when he walked in.

Anna shoved the phone back in its charger. “Why don’t you ever answer your phone?”

Jack stopped midstep, the door still ajar. He gave her a what-got-in-your-socks look.

“I was driving and I hate those earpieces.”

“You’ve been driving for the past four hours?”

“Uh, no. But I had my hands full...at the lab.” Jack rubbed his jaw, then scratched his ear. “I forgot to check before leaving the parking lot. I was just checking it on my way up the steps and saw your missed calls, but I’m here now, so what’s wrong?”

“Pippa has a really bad cold and fever.”

Jack dropped his keys on the counter and went to Pippa’s room. He touched her face with both hands and swore.

“She’s pretty warm. We should take her to the emergency room,” he said.

“I’m sure it’s a cold. I’m not taking her to the E.R. for a cold.”

“What if it’s not a cold? She could be coming down with something she caught in Kenya. What if it’s malaria, or something worse?”

“She’s been in Kenya all her life, then gets on a crowded plane with recirculated air, spends time with her cousins—who are probably walking petri dishes inoculated with viruses from school—and has had her hands on just about every visible surface in a toy store and animal park, and you think she has some exotic African disease?”

“If you’re so sure it’s a cold, why are you on edge? You’re biting my head off, Anna.”

Anna put her hands on her temples and sighed.

“I’m sorry.” She slumped down next to Pippa and laid a hand on her tiny shoulder. “I called Mom earlier. I wanted to take Pippa to see her.
I
needed to see her, but she seemed, I don’t know, reluctant? It was odd, like she didn’t want us dropping by so soon. I thought she’d be happy, but I guess with Pippa sick, it’s a moot issue.

“Chad had a runny nose when we were over there. She’s not used to being around so many different people, remember? The weather changes. The sleep pattern changes. You know the signs. You can’t panic the first time you see your child sick. Trust me on that. It doesn’t help.” Anna put her hand against Pippa’s forehead for the umpteenth time. The fact was, her heart gave out every time Pippa got sick.

Jack nodded. “I still think we should take her to see a doctor.”

“I’ll tell you what. Just go to the drugstore for me. All I need is a thermometer and some child-strength fever medicine. And get her some nasal saline, too. If her fever gets worse or she’s not doing better by tomorrow, we’ll take her to a doctor or an urgent-care clinic.”

All she needed was for Jack to walk into an E.R. spouting words like
Africa, malaria
or whatever came to mind. They’d end up spending the rest of their short visit in quarantine, with Pippa being tested for every disease possible when she had no signs of anything but a cold.

Jack stiffened and held up a hand.

“Um...I’ve never bought kid medicine. I wouldn’t know which brand—”

“Jack, you work in a lab. You can handle a drugstore. Just ask the pharmacist for help.”

“Or you can come and get whatever works for her.” He gave his collar a tug. He was nervous? Because of medications...
drugs.
Anna recalled his reaction at the hospital.

“Okay,” Anna said. “I guess we’ll go together and take her along. You can wait in the car with her while I run in to get what we need.”

A relieved Jack followed her to the bedroom. He scooped Pippa up gently and pulled a small pink throw off the bed to cover her with. Anna grabbed his keys from near the door and locked it behind them, then opened the car so he could set her in the car seat.

Pippa woke up while Anna was buckling her in, and started fussing and crying. It was going to be a long day and night. Anna thought of what Zoe had said about not having anyone to help at two in the morning, and suddenly felt grateful that Jack was here, even if he was jumping to paranoid diagnoses. At least she wasn’t alone.

* * *

I
T
WAS
LATE
, but Anna couldn’t fall asleep. She took Jack’s cordless house phone and slipped out onto his balcony. He was out cold on the sofa, with Pippa draped across his chest. Bless his heart, he really was a great father. Anna would miss him more than he’d ever know.

How she wished he could let go and love her, but he didn’t, not that way. After the way her dad closed himself off to her and her mom, Anna couldn’t settle for anything less than soul-penetrating love. Love that would last through sickness and health. Especially the sickness part.

Pippa was snoring. Poor thing was so congested, the beat of Jack’s heart and the warmth of his chest were the only things that made her feel better, and had eventually lulled her to sleep. He was a living hot water bottle. A comfort Anna wasn’t getting.

She slid the glass door slowly shut, so as not to wake them, and dialed the numbers she’d jotted down on the back of a toy store receipt. Her mom had moved since the divorce and Anna didn’t have the new number memorized.

“Hello?” Her mother’s voice dragged.

“Sorry, Mom. Did I wake you?”

“Almost, but not quite. I’m in bed reading. I think I started dozing off.”

“I can call tomorrow,” she said, but she really wanted to talk now.

“Anna, what’s up? Is Pippa okay?”

“She’s fine,” Anna lied. A white lie worth its weight, because she didn’t want her mom worrying and getting in a car half asleep and in the dark. “I just wanted to talk. We missed seeing you today and we’re not here that long, so I thought maybe we could plan something.”

There was a momentary pause where all Anna heard was the hum of cars along the street in front of the complex and the sound of a book slapping shut.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I want to see both of you as much as possible. I, um, the place was a mess and I hadn’t showered and all. I knew Jack would be bringing you. I didn’t need him seeing me like that.”

A car horn honked in the distance and Anna watched the headlights of someone coming home late turning into a parking spot across from Jack’s. Anna shivered in the night air. She’d been concerned for nothing. Her mom simply wanted time to clean up. After all, she had been a neat-freak before she started having episodes. Caring was a good sign.

“That’s okay. Mom?”

“Yes, Anna.”

“Do you still have my old things? My books and the animal figurines I had on the shelf over my bed?”

“Actually, I do.” Her mother sounded relieved at the change of topic. “I boxed them carefully and put them in storage when I moved.”

“I’d like Pippa to have them. I thought I’d pick them up and leave them here at Jack’s, since they’d probably get ruined at Busara.”

“Anna, why Jack’s place? Why not leave them here at mine? She could stay with me when she visits. Jack would be at work most of the time, anyway.”

Anna tapped the phone against her chest and took in a cool breath of night air. She couldn’t leave Pippa alone at Sue’s. What if her mom had a bad day? Pippa was too young to handle that. Anna had been older and it had been tough enough. And what if there were prescription drugs lying around?

“Mom, she has a bedroom here. You’d see her all the time, and I’m sure Jack will need both you and his parents to help out when she’s here. But he’s her father.”

“Okay. That makes sense, I suppose, but Anna, be careful. Don’t let him take her from you.”

“We’re just talking visits, Mom. We haven’t gone beyond that.”

“You know I love you and only want you to be happy. I’m simply saying don’t let him get more than visits. And for God’s sake, Anna, learn from my life. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Don’t marry him. If you can do anything to put my mind at rest, promise me that.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

P
IPPA
WAS
DOING
much better.

Her fever had broken the following morning and the saline washes were helping tremendously with her stuffy nose. After a day of chicken noodle soup and cartoons, she had slept soundly all night. Anna had given her a morning bath, steaming up the bathroom beforehand with her own shower. That had helped, as well. As did driving around. Pippa loved the feel of gliding on smooth, paved roads. Not a pothole in sight.

Jack had dropped Anna off on campus for her meeting. He said he had errands to run, but assured her that he could handle taking Pippa with him. Anna was positive he and Pippa were having a lot more fun riding around and doing chores than she was having facing Dr. Miller right now.

Miller laced his fingers together and settled them across his paunch. Anna gripped the arms of her chair and tilted her head, as if changing her angle would change what she was hearing.

“It is what it is, Anna,” he said.
Unbelievable.
She narrowed her eyes at him, fury drying her mouth.

“How can you sit there and say that?”

“Watch it, Anna. You’re sounding ungrateful. I may no longer be able to support your research, but I’ve given you years of backing. Don’t forget who advised you freshman year. Who helped you with your senior project. Who helped establish your career and reputation.”

He wanted to play politics, did he? Family, work—she couldn’t escape it. Anna hated politics. She let go of the chair and clasped her hands in her lap.

“Dr. Miller, with all due respect, I’m not trying to be unappreciative. I love my work, which is why I’ve been killing myself to produce data that will not only have my name on it, but this institution’s.
Your
name. Your support has always been appreciated, more than you know, but don’t you imply it was given for free. I earned it. I’m
still
earning it, but this has become bigger than one study or our reputations. This is about saving a sentient, extraordinary and loving species from inhumane killings and suffering. Those orphaned elephants need us there. It doesn’t matter if there are others supporting the cause. It’s not enough. If you cared enough to fund research on them, then care enough to continue your support. Please.”

Dr. Miller picked up a pen from his desk and studied the engraving on it before pointing it at her.

“You will have earned it when the paper is complete, as is required by your permit to conduct research in Kenya. I won’t have my reputation as your sponsor marred. Anna, you’ve done a fantastic job, but this needs wrapping up. Our efforts to secure funding and grant money need to be concentrated elsewhere.”

Elsewhere
meant his joint study with Jack. She wasn’t getting anywhere with him. Dr. Miller swiveled his ergonomic chair left and right and propped an ankle on his knee.

“Things happen for a reason. I needed to revamp our expenses. My meeting with Jack helped to solidify the board’s decision, and it’s too late to change it.”

Jack hadn’t said a word about meeting with Dr. Miller. Of course, she’d known his initial purpose in Busara, but surely after his visit and all that had happened since, he hadn’t gone behind her back to undermine her work.

“However, if you want a lab position, I can get you one. In this department or any of your choosing,” Miller said, splaying his hands as if all he had to do was wave a wand.

Anna stood. “A lab position? I’m a wild-animal veterinarian. All these years...your advice and mentorship...I thought you respected that.” She bent and grabbed her purse. “I’m not working in a lab. In fact, I’ll finish things up with the paper. After all, I have my own reputation to uphold. But after that, I’m done, Bob. Consider this my notice. I’ll find a way to keep Busara going on my own.”

Anna left the room and walked briskly toward the elevator. How it was possible to feel empowered, free, depressed and let down all at once, she hadn’t a clue. Nothing made sense. No amount of planning would fix the mess her life was in. Everything had changed, and change was scary. She had no idea what she was going to do to save her sanctuary, but what hurt more was that Jack had sided against her.

His car was parked at the curb in front of their department building. Anna stormed past it and toward the campus exit. She caught him craning his neck and heard him start the engine, but she kept going. She needed to cool off. Pippa didn’t need to witness her parents arguing, and Anna didn’t trust herself not to blow it.

The situation was sinking deeper by the minute. Of all the things Jack could do... She’d trusted him. Let her guard down. Used the tickets to come see him. The email she’d gotten from Kamau said that everything and everyone was fine and that he hadn’t heard anything from Miller. Miller hadn’t emailed because he’d planned to meet her face-to-face. And Jack had handed him a way.
I’m so stupid.

Her eyes stung. Each stride hit the ground like a rhino on the attack, only here there was no soil to absorb the shock. No dust to kick up. Just unrelenting, manmade sidewalk.
Men.

Jack’s car slowed next to her and she heard the whirring sound of the passenger window rolling down. Pippa called to her from the backseat and Anna’s steps faltered. She didn’t want to ignore her, but sometimes a parent needed a time-out. She longed for her observation platform under her acacia tree.

Anna set her jaw and pushed back the wisp of hair that had escaped her ponytail. She couldn’t let Pippa see her so out of control. She glanced sideways, just to be sure her baby seemed all right. Jack looked as white as a lab coat. He grabbed a manila envelope off the front passenger seat and stashed it between his seat and his door.

“Get in the car, Anna,” he said, leaning to the side. She heard the click of the door unlocking.

Forget it.
She ignored him and kept walking.

“You can’t walk all the way back home,” he insisted. He didn’t even ask what was wrong.
He knew.

“Ha! First of all, your apartment is not my home. And secondly, I can walk a lot farther than you can imagine,” she said. If it sounded like a threat, good. He was playing dumb. He knew exactly why she was so angry.

“Anna, please get in. You’ll upset Pippa and she’s sick.”

“Don’t you dare pull a guilt trip on me. You...you
traitor.
”

A car switched lanes and passed Jack, honking once. Good thing it wasn’t a high-traffic road.

“Drive normally. You’re endangering our child,” Anna said.

“Then tell me what I’ve done. And I am driving carefully. You’re the danger.”

“You stole my funding. He’s not sponsoring an extension on my research permit, and you gave him what he needed to do that. Kenya won’t let me stay without one. I only have enough funds and permission to stay for two more months, and then it’s over. I can’t stay unless I can find a job there that needs an expat to fill it. Do you know how long that could take? What happens to Busara in the interim? What happens to our orphans? Seems I’ve overstayed my welcome everywhere.”

“There are other jobs around here, Anna.”

“That’s what Miller said. Were you banking on that? Did you two have an agreement? Decide that would appease me? Force me back here with Pippa and solve all your problems?”

“I didn’t tell him to do that,” Jack said. “Get in so we can talk.”

“No.”

“Fine.” Jack stepped on the gas and drove ahead.

Anna stared, wide-mouthed. He had
not
just done that. And now Pippa had heard a fight
and
witnessed her father abandoning her mother.

It was a good twenty minutes before Anna reached the apartment. She knocked, but no one answered. Great. She plopped down on the step to wait. She smiled, muttered a quick hello and agreed to something about enjoying the fresh air when one of his neighbors needed to pass. She scooted over, then resumed her wait. Sitting here was nothing like sitting on her platform at Busara. There she found peace and could think with clarity. Here her senses were overloaded with fumes, traffic noise, other people...and her emotions. Forget her emotions. She was a mess.

Jack pulled into his parking space fifteen minutes later. He grabbed a manila envelope, slammed his car door and climbed the steps two at a time. Alone.

“Where’s Pippa?” Anna looked back at the car.

Without a word, he unlocked his apartment and went in, leaving the front door ajar for her.

He was mad at
her?
He had no right to be mad. That was the problem with men. They could flip any situation upside down and make it seem like they were the ones having to tolerate things. If men had to process every practical and emotional detail women micromanaged, they’d go extinct. Anna counted to ten before she got up and followed him in.

He was pulling coffee and a box of filters out of a cabinet. He didn’t look up as he filled the coffeepot with tap water.

“
Where’s
Pippa?” she asked again.

“What, you don’t trust me? Don’t worry. I dropped her off at my mom’s house. She has plenty of experience with sick kids. She had soup on the stove before I made it out the front door. I figured Pippa could do without hearing her parents argue or make a scene.”

Another point against Anna. She’d made a public scene and set a bad example for her daughter. She waited for him to finish with the tap, then washed her hands before grabbing a bottle of springwater from the fridge and taking a long drink.

“I told my mom that Pippa and I would go see her for dinner. I need to give her a bath and change her clothes,” Anna said.

“We can go get her before then,” he said without looking up.

Fine.
Anna folded her arms at her waist and tapped her foot.

“May I borrow your laptop?” she asked. He motioned to where it was on the kitchen table. She took that as a yes and went to boot it up. She needed to send Kamau a warning email. It would still be a few days before she got back to help figure things out. He needed the heads-up. He’d asked for it, warned her, and she’d assured him this would not happen. That she had things under control.

Anna squeezed her temples, then propped her elbow on the table and covered her eyes with one hand, blocking everything out but the electronic chatter of the computer waking up. She jerked up at the thud of ceramic on wood.

Jack had set a mug of coffee next to her and was headed to his armchair. A peace offering? Or an indication of how long the peace talks would take? Well,
she
wasn’t at peace and didn’t see any in their future. Let him simmer a little. Maybe the caffeine would jog his brain and conscience. If only he could grasp what he’d done and what the consequences would be.

She opened the laptop and used a guest log-in to email Kamau, taking her time to hit Send. She needed to make sure Kam understood what was happening. The walk had certainly cooled her temper, but she was still trying to come to terms with Jack’s role in everything. Closing the computer was like closing a chapter in her life. This could not be the beginning of the end of Busara. She cradled the warm mug in her hands and joined him in the living room.

“Thanks for the coffee,” she said. Jack didn’t look at her.

“I didn’t tell him to shut you down,” he finally said, after she sat on the end of the sofa closest to his chair. The lines on his forehead had deepened in the last few days. He looked troubled. She had to give him that. Who was she kidding? Jack wasn’t a bad person at all, just...misguided, and totally clueless at times. He could handle the most complex scientific questions and calculations, but hand him a basic, simple concept—raw life—and it was like he couldn’t whittle his brain down enough to handle it. But that wasn’t her problem. Jack was a big boy. He didn’t need saving. Busara did.

“If you didn’t advise him to shut me down, then who gave him the idea to save on expenses by making arrangements with larger rescue facilities to take my animals?”

Jack wiped his face with both hands.

“I thought so,” Anna said.

“He demanded ideas. You’d done everything right with the bookkeeping, but he wanted a way to cut back. He wasn’t giving me an option. Don’t you see? He’d planned on this all along. He was being manipulative. I warned you.”

Anna set down her mug. “If you thought that, then why would you help him do it? Why give him the idea? Why give him freaking options? He ran with it. I mean, why should he bother paying for anything if he figured I’d been there long enough and there were others who could take care of the elephants? It’s nothing but paperwork to him. He’s never been there. You have.”

“Anna, it was the lesser evil. You send those calves to transition at a bigger reserve when they reach a certain age, anyway. I tried talking to him, but he pretty much had his mind made up, if you ask me. The man has weight to throw around. This project I’ve committed to with him is huge. It’s a career catapult. It means I won’t
ever
fall short on providing for Pippa. And you have to understand, when I left him my findings, I had just gotten back from Nairobi. None of...
this
...had happened,” Jack said.

“This? This what? Friendship? Is this what you do to a friend? No amount of trying to justify what you did will change things. Logic won’t work here, Jack. Busara isn’t about numbers and test tubes and assays and analyzing. For once—just once—could you think without your head?” Anna folded her own head down onto her knees. She felt sick with frustration, but after what she’d done, keeping his child from him, she had no right to pull that one on him. Betrayal of trust and friendship. Which one of them was guiltier?

“Forget I said that. Forget everything,” she said, her head still down.

“I’ll figure out a way to fix this,” Jack said. “What about asking your dad for help? The man could fund ten Busaras if he wanted to. If anything, he could donate money to whatever reserve your elephants get moved to. They’ll be covered and you could have a choice of where to be. I mean, it doesn’t really matter where you are, as long as you’re saving animals, right? Isn’t that all that matters?”