The Princess (31 page)

“Peter Owens?” Shelby asked, certain she had misunderstood him.

“Yes. He didn’t know it, and I had to confess it because I had no right, but a few weeks back I felt the door was open for the first time to explain to Peter how Christ died for us. This time I saw that it really seemed to bother Peter that God would do this to His Son, and then in so many words he said he didn’t believe it—that only a fool would fall for such a story.”

“I don’t think you told me about this.”

“I was too upset to talk about it. But after I calmed down and thought back on it, I realized Peter was defending himself. His father never gave him unconditional love, and even his sisters, although they don’t treat him badly, have their own lives and friends. A little brother is sometimes in the way.”

“And a God who would offer an unconditional gift of love certainly can’t be trusted,” Shelby concluded.

“You said that in a way that makes me think you understand.”

“I don’t know if I do or not. I was from the camp that says ‘I’m good enough. Why would I need a Savior?’”

“What changed your mind?”

“Believe it or not, a low test score in school. I had always taken great pride in my academic ability, and then suddenly I didn’t measure up. In an instant I saw myself standing before God trying to tell Him all the things I did well. I could almost see Him shaking His head and saying it wasn’t good enough. For the first time it became clear to me that I was desperately lost. My parents and brother had already seen their need. It took me a little longer.”

Shelby heard Nikolai move, and suddenly his arms were around her. With his lips against her temple he said, “I’m so thankful you saw the truth, Red. I can’t tell you how much.”

Shelby gladly turned in his arms, wanting very much to be hugged right now. It wasn’t long before she felt relaxed enough to fall back to sleep, and she suspected Nikolai had, but Shelby didn’t let herself. She lay still until light crept in from the edges of the curtains, praying for the man who held her close.

Shelby would not have chosen to spend the first two days after Christmas on her own, but Nikolai had been called away. Although she had been all ready to offer to go with him, she had
learned that the king was to go as well. Shelby thought they might want a chance to be on their own.

With a few free hours, the princess took some time to think about redecorating her bedroom. She thought the idea of a central theme in both rooms worth looking into and went to her husband’s bedroom to study the color theme. She liked the navy blue in the wallpaper and the contrasting light carpet. Her husband’s room was also trimmed in light oak. Shelby liked that as well but wasn’t willing to give up her mahogany trim, something she didn’t like with the black wallpaper. If she did follow a matching motif, it would have to match both woods, and she knew the navy would do that.

While standing in the middle of the room, Shelby noticed that Nikolai had left a sweater and some socks and undershirts on the chair. Thinking to save the staff a little trouble, she scooped them up and moved toward the closet. Almost as large as her own, the prince’s closet was surprisingly full of clothing. Nikolai always looked nice, but Shelby would never have said he was the clotheshorse she was.

Shelby was on the verge of hanging the sweater she found when she spotted Yvette’s picture. The photo was displayed in full view on top of Nikolai’s neat and orderly dresser. Shelby had seen her photo in newspapers before, so she felt no need to study the image, but finding the picture on his dresser was unexpected.

Shelby finished putting his clothing away, her heart thoughtful. She let herself out of the closet and even remembered to turn off the light, but she couldn’t honestly say that she knew what she felt just then.

“I don’t know what I feel right now,” Nikolai told his father. They were in Enstrom together and had just gone to dinner alone.
The two men, so alike in height and build, now walked on the banks of the Pierce River.

“Tell me something, Nicky, do you always feel loved by God?”

“Not as feelings go, no, I can’t say that I do.”

“So what do you do when that happens, when you don’t
feel
loved?”

“I claim the truths of Scripture. I look at what Christ did on the cross and know that could only come from a heart of love.”

“So what do you do with your feelings?” the king asked.

“If they’re contrary to Scripture, I work to get them in line. It’s not always that easy, but that’s the process.”

Rafe fell silent. Nikolai had answered the question, but his father did not comment.

“Why did you ask me that, Dad?”

“I just wanted to know the answer.”

“But we were talking about Shelby.”

“Yes, we were, weren’t we?” Again, Pendaran’s king fell silent.

Nikolai walked along studying his father’s profile. The prince was not a dull-witted person, but this one took some thought. When he felt he’d finally caught on, he found he didn’t want to talk at all.

Shelby looked at the pile of letters on her desk and shook her head. Why had she thought that life would return to a normal pace when the holidays were over? The holidays and even the prince’s birthday had been wonderful times of fellowship and worship with family and friends, but Shelby had to be honest about wanting things to slow down.

Sitting here whining about this isn’t going to help, Shelby. Start on your mail.

She had just begun to open envelopes when the phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Hello, Shelby, it’s Erica. Did I get the day wrong?”

Shelby took a moment to respond. “Oh, no!” she gasped. “I completely forgot. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right. Did you already eat?”

“No.”

“Well, come over. I’ll watch for you.”

“Okay,” Shelby agreed hurriedly, hung up the phone, and nearly ran from her desk. She didn’t know when she’d completely missed an appointment, and with the queen no less!

Erica guessed the kind of state she would be in and refused to listen to any of Shelby’s apologies. She assured her that she was not offended, only hungry. Shelby hugged her for understanding and realized she was hungry as well.

The meal started with garden-fresh salads and led to a rich cream of asparagus soup. A light pudding was served for dessert, and all the time the women talked. Erica told some lighthearted stories from the past and even shared with Shelby some things she was struggling with right now. She ended by asking Shelby some rather pointed questions.

“With whom do you talk, Shelby?”

“With whom do I talk?” Shelby echoed uncomfortably, not liking the turn in the conversation, although it had come about very naturally.

“Yes. When you’re uncertain or upset.”

“Well,” Shelby began, thinking she was uncertain and upset at the moment, “I guess I just talk to the Lord.”

The queen, who had suspected as much, put a hand on her daughter-in-law’s.

“Shelby, no one in the palace expects you to be silent all the time. Your discretion is admirable—both the king and I have noticed it—but when you’re hurting about something, you need to go to someone.”

“And who would that be?” Shelby asked, feeling a little angry at this woman for the first time. “Whom do you suggest?”

In that instant, as she looked into Shelby’s dark brown eyes, Erica saw how difficult it would be—really saw this time, not just imagined. Wanting to mention herself, the king, or Shelby’s parents, Erica somehow knew, right or wrong, that Shelby had already ruled them out on certain issues. With a prayer for wisdom, she made a suggestion.

“Pastor Allen,” the queen said. “He knows all about your situation. He and Rafe have talked many times, as have he and Nicky. Pastor Allen is the soul of discretion, and he has one large advantage. He knows some of the details already.”

Shelby nodded.

“I’m sorry, Shelby,” the queen continued. “I asked you that question as though your situation were completely normal, and it’s not.”

“Some days it doesn’t feel as though it ever will be,” the princess said softly.

“Do you think it will help when things become more intimate between you?”

Amazingly, Shelby didn’t blush. “I’m not sure,” she answered honestly. “I’m finding that there is more than one type of intimacy. You can be intimate physically and still not have a meeting of minds and hearts.”

“That’s very true, Shelby, but then would you consider it true intimacy?”

Shelby’s smile was a little sad. “When it’s all you’ve got, I guess you take what you can get.”

Erica told herself to breathe, even as her heart squeezed in agony. She still managed to smile very gently. Shelby was glad she had not been condemned, but she felt like a fake.

“I need to tell you,” Shelby admitted, “that my own feelings for Nikolai are uncertain. I can’t have you sitting here thinking he’s
been this unfeeling monster. Nothing could be further from the truth, but we do have a long way to go.”

“Thank you for telling me, Shelby. I’ll be praying. I’ve
been
praying,” the queen corrected, “but it’s nice to be specific when we can be.”

“Thank you,” Shelby said sincerely. She knew the queen loved her son, but she never made Shelby feel that he was perfect or that any problems between them were all her fault.

Long after Shelby left, she thought of their conversation. The advice the queen gave was not unwelcome. She had talked to her old pastor many times. The very thought of going to Pastor Allen about the things she had on her mind caused her face to heat, but she didn’t disregard the queen’s advice; she thought about it off and on for the rest of the day.

“I need to talk to you,” Erica said on the phone to her husband the moment he picked up.

“Is it urgent?”

“I’m feeling as though it is, but it’s not—not really. I’m just upset.”

“I can be with you in about 30 minutes. Will that be all right?”

“Yes.”

Erica forced herself to be calm. What she wanted to do was go somewhere and sob her eyes out, but her mother called just after she hung up and that helped pass the time.

“I just had lunch with Shelby,” Erica told her.

“Isn’t she the sweetest thing?” the queen regent asked.

“She really is, Mom. I could talk to her all day.”