The Power of Love (13 page)

“Seriously?”

Gia wanted to grimace at Josh’s lack of awareness, but she was too used to it to show her irritation. “It feels like it. He’s less communicative than before, and I don’t mean earlier this year, I mean since he got home. He’s more sullen than ever. He barely talks, and if he does, it’s to Lexi. Haven’t you noticed?” She knew he hadn’t, but she had to make a point. When he rubbed the back of his neck, guilt stamped onto his features, she grumbled, “Dammit, Josh. How can you not have noticed?”

“I’ve been busy saving his reputation.”

“For what?” she snapped. “With his injuries, he can never serve again.”

“It’s his name, Gia. It’s a big deal. That kind of discharge is like…it’s like a felony charge on his rep. Do you want him walking around with that on his back? On top of that, he loses all of the recognition due to him. No veteran pension, no benefits, nothing.”

“It’s not like we need his pension.”

“That has zero to do with it. That man served this country, and he served it well. Because some prick, high up, has taken a dislike to him is no reason for him to be thrown out like he’s trash.” His lips firmed into a stern line. “Our husband deserves the best salute farewell this country has to offer. You don’t know what he’s done to make this world a safer place, Gia.”

“No, I don’t. And I’ll tell you why—you never talk about it. Either of you. Do you realize, I still don’t know what it is
you
do. Where
you
work. At least with Luke, I knew he was an MP, for Christ’s sake.”

“He was more than that.”

“In what way?”

He sighed. “We shouldn’t be talking about this.”

“No? Then you shouldn’t have mentioned why it was so goddamn important we rescue the man’s reputation but let him flounder.”

“He was a hostage negotiator, all right?”

She frowned. “Why was that so hard to tell me? I’ve heard of them before.” Hell, irony of ironies, she’d actually written a book about one.

“Most of what he did was…well.” He ran a hand through his hair, mussing the neat smoothness of his buzz cut. “It was for the foreign hostages. The ones we see on TV.”

“Is that why he’d disappear sometimes?” It hadn’t been
too
frequently, because more often than not, he’d been at home since they’d been together. Still, when he’d had to leave in the middle of the night, bang out of nowhere, the excuses and reasons had always been decidedly skimpy. She’d grown accustomed to them though and had learned not to ask. Had even learned not to suffer the miseries of curiosity.

Although, granted, that had been the hardest lesson to learn.

“Yeah.”

“Why couldn’t you tell me?”

“Because no one knows. We kept it that way. Get to the hostage negotiator, maybe mess with his life, and that way you hold the dice.”

“Seriously?”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“But keeping it from me? And don’t think I missed out on the fact you haven’t told me what it is you do.”

“My job’s boring in comparison. I’m a pencil pusher with a uniform.”

Yeah. Right.
She scoffed. “That tells me nothing.”

“That’s how I want to keep it. You’re not tarnished by this, Gia. I like that. I want to keep it that way.”

She shook her head. “You’re a jerk, you know that?”

“Yeah. I do. I admit it.”

Nibbling her lip, she murmured, “Should I be nervous he’s gone out with Lexi?” He’d only received the all clear to drive from the doctor a week ago.

“Would you have been before?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Well then, you don’t have to be concerned now.”

“This Luke isn’t the Luke who went away, Josh. You’d have noticed if you weren’t spending half your time buried away in papers.”

He sighed. “What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“No.” She shrugged.

“Gia!”

“What? I can’t help it.” She hated being uncertain where Luke was concerned. He’d never been the issue before; Josh had. Luke was sensitive, and to a certain extent, emotional and free with those emotions. But he’d been readable, and he hadn’t had a problem expressing himself. Josh was the closed book and the closed mouth. He’d choke before he shared anything.

For Luke to make Josh look expressive? Yeah, it was hard to get used to. Living with two men who kept everything close to their chests was more than hard, it was hell.

She wanted the old Luke back and was terrified he’d be gone forever. And then, when she thought that, she felt guilty. So terribly, horribly, incredibly guilty because Luke didn’t want to be like this either.

What he’d seen, what he’d done…they’d been under orders. Gia tried not to forget that, but it was hard to remember to be patient, to be understanding about what he’d been through when he yelled at her for asking him how his day had been.

“Has he talked to you about seeing a psychiatrist?” she asked, worrying her bottom lip.

“No.” He blinked, then frowned as something occurred to him. “You’re right, actually. He says surprisingly little.”

“Finally, you notice.” When she sniffed, refusing to hide her irritation, he rapped his fingers against the desk.

“I notice things, and it’s taking a while to process. That’s all.”

“I think he should go to a shrink. You need to talk to him about it. The nightmares have started again, and it’s no wonder.”

“He told you about the blast.”

Josh’s bland voice irked her. “Yeah, something you should have done.”

“Do you want to know the details?”

“No. But I need to know something. I need to know what’s going on with him. Otherwise I can’t help, can I?” She folded her arms against her chest. “Something like that, it doesn’t leave you, does it? He needs to talk to someone who can understand.”

“I’ll talk to him about it.”

“Expect to have your tongue bitten off.”

“Ah, you’ve tried already.”

“What do you think, Sherlock?” She shrugged off her mad. Or tried to. When it didn’t work, and knowing she’d said everything she had to say on the topic that was their errant partner, she huffed out, “If you need me, I’ll be in my room.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

A few weeks ago, she’d have gone into the study, kissed him, maybe had a bit of a fondle. She’d have left the room laughing, giggling like a schoolgirl, her cheeks flushed with heat and arousal. Now, she was too tired to peck him on the lips, never mind anything else.

She wasn’t ready for what a kiss could start. Luke’s being there had put a lot of stress on her. Gia was tired, bone-deep, and dealing with all the strained emotions made it seem as though she were meandering through a minefield.

Had Luke talked to her about his ordeal, shared his issues, it would have been easier.

Instead, she was perpetually waiting for the shit to hit the fan. And boy, when it did, the explosion was epic.

Yesterday, she’d opened a can of soup. The scrape of the can-opener had him rearing off his seat, backing away from her as though she were holding an AK-47.

It had to be PTSD. She was no expert, but hell, any veteran who came back from the war and didn’t have it, she didn’t know how.

Problem was, he wasn’t willing to talk about anything that had happened over the last six months. That didn’t come as a surprise, but he wouldn’t talk about Vegas or why they’d had to start homeschooling Lexi either, and she had hoped to convince him to talk to someone else.

No such luck.

And so, heartsore and head starting to ache, she left Josh’s office without having set foot inside. Without kissing him hello or farewell, and without noticing his perturbed frown at the lack of any tender affection on her part.

After she made it to her office, she sank into her chair with a tired sigh. The comforting squeak of the wheels as she rocked slightly, the walls lined with books, the fish tank bubbling away in the corner…all of it made up her little slice of adult heaven. It was where the guys thought she sorted out their household budget because she dealt with their personal finances, but it was mostly where she wrote. The comforting space, with its cozy terracotta walls, wood-burning stove come winter, and small snug where she read through her finished manuscripts, held little peace for her.

She was as restless as Josh and Luke. Waiting for something she couldn’t put her finger on, needing for the dust to settle before she could start a spring clean.

Her laptop was on, the word processing program loaded, and the blur of words that made up her latest book glared back at her. Her publisher had been asking after it, and for the first time since she’d started writing, she wasn’t certain if she could make the deadline.

If anything, that revealed her true state of mind: things were bad. Really bad, and she didn’t know how to change them. She didn’t know how to make any of this better. Not for herself or her daughter, or for the men she loved.

The thought, that feeling of impotence, pricked the bubble she’d been using to protect herself, and with it, came the release of emotions she’d done her damnedest to cage.

A keening sound escaped her, a sharp biting wail loaded with her agony. An agony she was sure she didn’t deserve to feel.

Gia hadn’t been the one to witness a violent rape; she hadn’t been the one teaching the Security Forces in the Middle East to successfully negotiate hostage situations. She hadn’t been in an IED explosion, and she hadn’t seen a small child being blown apart.

She didn’t deserve to cry. These tears were selfish, but that didn’t stem the flow. Like a baby, she rocked, pressing her fingers into her eyes to hide from the reality of what was happening here.

A reality she couldn’t change.

When Josh was stressed, she made sure everything was precise. From the creases on his trousers to the precise spaces between the stacked towels in the laundry cupboard.

For Luke, she’d made him comfort food. Overdosed him on sugar. Either that or she’d fucked him out of his funk.

At the moment, neither was possible.

He had hardly any appetite. She’d been killing herself in the kitchen, trying to make him something he’d enjoy. Every meal, he picked at his food.

And when she kissed him, he flinched.

Every. Damn. Time.

What was she supposed to do when her tried-and-tested methods of the past weren’t working? She kept trying to find other ways, but with each and every failure, she had to address that this wasn’t something
she
could fix. Gia had to come to terms with the fact that in this, she was useless, and how that admission hurt.

Burrowing her face into her palms, she sobbed out the pain and frustration of the last three weeks. The confusion and the hurt.

She knew Luke didn’t mean to cause her upset, but it still killed her when he flinched if she came too close. Or if she approached him without warning him first. And when her shoulders began to shake, warm hands cupped the joints and spun her chair around. She pressed her face into Josh’s belly, glad he was here despite hating being a watering pot in front of him.

When he was Josh, crying was okay.

But at the moment, he was in brigadier general mode. That meant he was in his fatigues, and though they smelled of laundry detergent and that special softener she used only on the guys’ BDUs, he was still in work mode.

That didn’t stop her from sobbing, though. Nothing could stop these tears. They’d been caged for far too long and had needed release for months.

“Hush, baby, I’ll talk to him, I promise. I will.”

He murmured the words against her hair, and she felt him press kisses to the top of her head. Curling her arms about his hips, she pressed tightly into his embrace.

“I miss him,” she wailed. “He’s here, but not. And then, when I remember why, I feel so guilty. How do I have the right to feel like this, to be like this, when he went through what he did?”

He pressed another kiss to the crown of her head. “Because you’re human.”

“That doesn’t make it better,” she cried.

“Of course, it does, sweetheart. It’s the way it is. You don’t know what he’s been through, all you see is this guy who isn’t the guy you love. But you simply have to be patient.

“He knows who he is. He can feel the changes in him too, and he probably hates himself for upsetting you.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to him about the psychologist. If he understands how much you’re hurting, then that should be the trigger he needs.”

She leaned back, her mouth quivering as she looked up at him through tear-sore eyes. “I love him, Josh.”

“I know you do, honey. I love him too.”

“I hate that he’s hurting, and I can’t do anything to make it better.”

He bent down and touched his mouth to hers. “We’ll work through this.”

“How can we? He spends half his time avoiding us.”

“We have to be patient.”

She sucked in a shaky breath. Patient. How many times was she going to hear that? This was her being patient, only no one seemed to get that. That particular virtue wasn’t in her nature, but equally, it wasn’t like she had a choice.

Gia closed her eyes and nodded against his belly.

“What’s wrong?”

Luke’s voice appearing out of nowhere had her tensing, but she peered around his hips, in the space between arm and side, and murmured, “Nothing.” It was on the tip of her tongue to ask where he’d been and if he was okay, but he got angry when she asked the latter, and at the former, he grew cagey.

Both responses would have started the tears again, and so, she erred on the side of caution and kept her mouth shut.

“Bull. You’ve been crying.” Luke stepped into the room with a hesitance that disturbed her. Sometimes, it was like he was a stranger in his own house. Worse than that, his own family.

She remembered those early days when she’d been at the house thanks to being their surrogate. She’d crept around the place like a ghost, fearing to enter some rooms at the risk of invading the guys’ privacy, and not wanting to use some of their tech for fear of breaking it. That he felt like that hurt her, deeply. To the bone. She
had
been a stranger back then. Luke was integral to their world. He had her heart. And Josh’s.