The Other C-Word (31 page)

He took my arms and held me apart from him so he could look at my face. “I’ll be honest with you, Marley, the scratch is nothing compared to what you said to me. It’s okay though because I know you weren’t talking to me. What I want to know is…who you were talking to?”

I decided to tell him everything at this point. Rick had pierced right through all my troubling craziness and he deserved to know. “My father molested me.”

He nodded as if he wasn’t surprised, but his head turned towards the doorway and I already knew what he was thinking. He was thinking about Stevie meeting up with her dad.

I placed my hands on his face and turned it back to me. “We all have different dads. Stevie and Billie have a very good relationship with their fathers. My mom was married to Billie’s dad for a long time. They’re both good guys.”

“I want you to tell me about your father, Marley, but only if you want to.”

I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to purge myself of the deceit I carried in my heart every time I kissed him. “My mother only went out with him for a short time. She was very young. When she got pregnant with me, he didn’t want me. He wanted her to abort so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. She told him not to worry about it. She said she’d take care of me on her own and she did for a while. That’s why I have her last name. When I was six, he suddenly wanted to be a part of my life. I think it had more to do with his new wife, Linda, than him. She was very nice to me, but he mostly ignored me. They divorced when I was eight and then it was just him and me during my visitations. He didn’t ignore me anymore, but I wish he had.”

I wrapped my arms around Rick, burying my face into his chest. He shifted me onto his lap. “Why did your mom let you go see him?”

“She had no choice. He paid the back child support and the state approved the visitation. Besides that, she had no reason not to. She wanted me to have a relationship with him and as far as she knew, he was sincere in his request to spend time with me.”

“How long did it go on?” Rick asked, tensing his arms. Although I wasn’t looking at him, I had no doubt the vein in his neck was throbbing.

“It started when I was eight. It happened every other weekend and one week in the summer until I was twelve.” I felt a shudder course through his body. He wasn’t crying, but his emotion was visceral nonetheless.

“Your mother…surely, she suspected?”

“No, Rick, you have no idea. She was a single mom, working two jobs and was raising three girls. Besides that, I never told. I was very good at hiding it. He helped me to hide it. He was very…careful.” Rick swallowed hard and it felt like his body temperature had risen by ten degrees since I’d started talking. “He told me I was lucky because I had a very special relationship with him that my sisters didn’t have with their fathers. I was his weekend girlfriend. I don’t have many clear memories, but I know that he came to me at night and I never fought him, which is why I think I have the night terrors now. I just accepted it.”

“Marley, you were a little girl. He was a grown man and very…sick.”

“I know, but I still wish I had fought him because I knew it was wrong. He would set up dates for us and pretend that we had a relationship and I accepted that as normal.”

“So that’s why you don’t do relationships? He fucked that up for you, didn’t he?”

“I guess so. I wasn’t even interested in sex for a long time. Then one day I was. I thought I could keep the two separated because it was easier to deal with it that way. If I didn’t care about the person I was with then I could handle it.”

“What happened to him, Marley?”

His question surprised me. “Why do you want to know?”

“I want to know if you got your justice and if you didn’t, I want to be the one to give it to you.” Rick had said it calmly, but the words sent shivers down my spine.

“He’s at
Greenville
cemetery, he committed suicide. I think because of what he did to me. His suicide note was addressed to me and it was only one word—sorry. That’s when my mom knew and I finally admitted to everything. The night terrors started a few months later.”

“So you never really got your justice because the bastard took the easy way out.”

“I hadn’t really thought of it that way. Maybe the reasons I have the terrors is that I never got closure. I’m a lucky girl though, because my family totally helped me through it.”

They did help me, but they also felt crazy guilty and did really stupid things like move their new husbands into their family home or refuse to go to the college of their dreams. An epiphany occurred that made me cry harder. Rick held me close, but I didn’t voice it. My mother didn’t date anymore. How could she when she has a messed up daughter to look after every night?

My mom came out then with Billie next to her. I shifted away from Rick because our bodies were completely locked together, but he didn’t let me go. My mom didn’t seem bothered by it either.

“Billie and I are going to the farmer’s market. We’ll be back in a few hours.” I knew she wanted to give us time alone, but there was nothing else to say at this point. Before she left, she turned on the stereo and
No Woman No Cry
by Bob Marley came on. She nodded to us then they left.

“You think your mom is trying to send us a message?” Rick asked, relaxing his posture for the first time since my admission.

I looked up at him and managed a weak smile. “Yes, especially me”—I pointed to the stereo and back at myself—“from Marley to Marley.”

* * * *

Rick spent the whole week with me, with my mother’s permission. He was very patient and we talked every night. He brought up how he was leaving soon, but I changed the subject every time. I wasn’t ready to talk about the future until we could get past the present. In many ways, it was the best and worst week of my life. I loved sleeping next to him and that there were no secrets between us anymore, but I hated what would be in store for me when I woke up. I never hurt him physically that week and I knew that because I insisted on doing a physical inspection on his body every morning. Well, I also had other motives for that. On the surface, it seemed like things were going well.

There were other signs though that had me doubting everything. Rick was always a ball of energy, but this week he was lethargic. I saw the dark circles under his eyes and the way he rubbed his temples. He started requesting coffee again and this time he drank it. I was used to the disruptive sleep patterns, but it was all new for him.

He never told me any of it bothered him, but I saw it in his face. We didn’t make love very much, and when we did, he was more delicate with me, and hesitant. Some of the passion that radiated in his eyes was replaced with pity. It disheartened me to see it, because the last thing I wanted was his pity. I couldn’t blame him though. I never remembered what I said, but my mom had told me before. What kind of man, especially one as good and kind as Rick, would want to touch a woman after she called him a paedophile and rapist all night?

There was more to it than just that. I started thinking of how our future would look. It wasn’t about being disturbed in your sleep or watching someone go through trauma and not being able to help them. It was more than that. This man loved to travel and I wasn’t able to go anywhere. I would scream bloody murder and I’m sure any hotel personnel would think Rick was raping me in the middle of the night. What would happen if we had kids? How would we ever explain why mommy called daddy a rapist every night? God forbid, what if they crawled into bed with us after having a nightmare of their own and I hurt them? It was all too morbid. I knew I was thinking far ahead, but the ramification of my infliction was not as simple as separate beds like Rick made it out. In fact, he couldn’t even follow through with that. He insisted on sleeping next to me every night.

I had never even thought of things like travel, marriage or children before Rick. Hell, I’d never even thought of dating or relationships, for God’s sake. I didn’t voice any of my concerns to him because I knew he would only try to deflect them. Rick would never tell me. He would never turn his back on someone he loved. Although we’d never said it to each other, I had a strong perception that he loved me as well. That’s why I knew I had to let him go. I had to be the stronger one. He deserved a normal life with a normal girl that wouldn’t try to hurt him while he slept or make him feel like a pervert.

I was selfish though, because I wanted this week. It was Stevie’s wedding week and I wanted to wake up next to the man I loved every morning. I knew once it was over I would be completely…inconsolable.

Chapter Sixteen

The day of Stevie’s wedding was one of the craziest I’d ever seen. I was running around like a mad woman, finishing all the last minute details. Rick had left early, kissing me goodbye. After that, a million people had accosted our house. Dillon did Stevie’s hair and makeup. Adam’s mother Kate and my mom, were either laughing or crying tears of joy most of the day, going back and forth between our houses. Billie and I dealt with last minute issues between the caterers and hall. I also had the task of keeping Adam away from Stevie. This was very difficult, since he’d made up his mind to make love to her in her wedding dress, before the ceremony. I literally had to threaten to punch him, like I had Mr Clean’s nephew, to get him to back off.

I loved the whole day though. Despite how we fought, Stevie was my best friend too. It was an honour to stand up for her in the elegant, black dress she had chosen for me. The wedding took place at the outdoor gardens of San Marston club. Stevie and Adam stood under an arch of white roses and twinkling lights, made even brighter by the stars in the night sky. They stared at each other as if they were the only two people in the world. Everyone admired Stevie in her gorgeous, form fitting, pearl-encrusted gown. They had written their own vows, choosing to tie their union with their own sentiments. Stevie’s vows were beautiful and poetic, then it was Adam’s turn.

“Stevie, I’ve loved you forever. I loved you even when I was being mean to you and popping the heads off your dolls. I’ve loved you when you were bossing me around, not that you’ve ever stopped. I used to watch you when you were dancing in your room with your sisters. I swear it wasn’t weird or anything, but I always thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. When I learnt to play the guitar, I learnt every Nickelback song there was. I left my window open so you could hear me. I have a confession to make—I hate Nickelback. It didn’t matter though because I knew you loved them, so I learnt every single song. I played them for you whether you heard me or not.” Adam choked on the last line. He was doing that man sob as if he was trying to keep the fullness of his feelings inside, because if he let out all his emotions, he might explode. Everyone cried with him, at least all the women did. The men glanced away or smiled nervously as if they felt sorry for poor Adam.

I laughed because Stevie had always known he watched her from his window, which faced hers. He should have suspected because I doubted most girls dressed up and put on makeup to dance in their rooms. I also knew she’d listened up every time she’d heard a guitar riff coming from his window.

“I loved when you got glasses and braces, because I didn’t think they made you look ugly like you said. I thought you made the glasses and braces look better. Do you remember when we were eight and Danny Morris knocked you down into that mud puddle?” Stevie nodded. “Remember how he came to school the next day with a black eye? Yeah, that was me, babe.” Stevie’s shocked expression revealed she’d had no idea. “Actually it was Marley who punched him, but I held him back for her.”

Funny, I had forgotten this memory. Probably because there were many memories that weren’t so clear from that year, when things had started changing for me. Things I wanted to forget and things I didn’t. They’d occurred in the same timeframe so I’d just forgotten them all. It occurred to me that was the reason why I thought Adam and Rick were holding Mr Clean’s nephew for me, because Adam and I had been in that position before.

Adam cleared his throat because a few of his macho buddies had snickered when he said I was the one who hit Danny. He turned in their direction. “Yeah, we double teamed him, but he was a huge guy and Marley had a great arm.”

He directed his loving gaze back to Stevie. “Remember, when we were in art class in eighth grade?” This time he glared at his buddies before the snickers could begin. “Yeah, I took art class. I thought it would be an easy A.” He looked back to Stevie. “Remember when Mrs Casper said you were horrible at depth and line and you shouldn’t consider a career in art? You were so upset you threw your sketch away.”
Oh my God, if that boy didn’t reach into his jacket pocket and pull out Stevie’s crumpled drawing from the eighth grade
! He held it across his chest so she could see it. I heard gasps of shock from every woman there. Combined together, we sounded like a freaking birdcall. Stevie was completely bawling now, and as maid of honour, I did my job and handed her a handkerchief. I wished I’d had the foresight to bring one for myself. “Babe, I always thought you were amazing. I always knew you had mad skills.

“The best night of my life before tonight was prom. I remember seeing you in your white dress that night and wondering if I’d get to stand next to you like this in another white dress. I’m so happy I do. I thought when I went away to college that you’d find someone else, but you stuck with me, even though I have a million faults. I didn’t have to wonder about myself. I knew I wouldn’t find anyone else, because you were and will always be the girl of my dreams. The girl next door, the girl I sometimes bullied, the girl who gave me her first kiss. The only girl to slap me, but I did totally deserve it. The girl that made me so insanely jealous when she dated Antoine, the French exchange student, that I still can’t eat a croissant to this day. Stevie, you are the girl I’ve always loved, and the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.”

Yep, he was that good. The muffled sounds of women swooning and crying filled the night air. When you could physically make a woman swoon with mere words, especially when they were said to another girl, you were a special guy. You knew on the ride home, those women were going to turn to the men in their lives, and say ‘why can’t you be more like him’. Stevie had worried she would cry during her vows and not be able to finish, but she was fine. In the end, she did cry though because of what Adam said to her. At that moment, I loved Adam even more, because I knew he would take care of Stevie like she deserved.

It was a crazy night and I didn’t truly relax until Rick held me in his arms and we danced.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all night,” he said to me.

“Copping a feel on the dance floor,” I replied, giggling. The man’s hand was dangerously close to my behind.

“That’s a bonus. I just wanted to dance with the second most beautiful girl here.”

I was glad he’d said that because Stevie was definitely the most beautiful girl tonight.

“You have no idea how hard it was for me to watch you dance with that other guy.”

I scrunched my nose. “Jason, Adam’s cousin? You know I had to dance with him since he’s the best man.”

“I know, but it didn’t make it any easier for me. He held you closer than he needed to in my opinion.”

I laughed. “You are a possessive one, aren’t you?”

“I guess you bring that out in me, Marley. You make every emotion sharper for me whether it’s frustration or joy or…lust.”

“Funny, I guess I could say the same thing about you, Rick. You don’t have to worry about Jason, he’s not my type.”

“Oh, why is that, baby?”

“Because, I’ve decided I like businessmen who wear suits and ties even when they don’t have to, the kind with funny conjoined surnames that have double meanings and infinity symbol tattoos that I can trace with my tongue.”

“Stop it, you naughty girl, you’re making me very hard and I have some stuff to tell you.”

“What do you have to tell me?”

“I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. How special you are.”

I put my hand to his mouth before he could say anymore. I knew he was about to say something that would melt my heart. He may have even told me he loved me and I didn’t ever want to hear the words. It would make what I had to do so much harder. I didn’t want him to proclaim his love when I couldn’t say it back. It’s not that I didn’t feel it, but I wasn’t going to lead him down a path of misery for my own selfishness. This week and the wedding had been freaking emotional enough. Tonight was some sort of pinnacle for all that emotion and I was having difficulty deciphering my feelings, like a fine wine that tastes so sweet you don’t even realise you’re getting drunk. I didn’t trust my reaction to Rick’s words.

I grabbed his tie and pulled him closer to me. “I have a question for you first. Are you trying to tempt me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you didn’t freaking shave today and you’re wearing my favourite tie. It’s all a girl can do to keep from jumping your bones.” He actually had shaved, but there was a slight stubble on his face, and it was turning me on fiercely.

He laughed. “I know how much you like being tickled and I love pleasing you, Garter Belt Girl.” His nickname for me caused delicious tingles to generate in my tummy.

I spoke to him in my best Brit accent, “Mr Randy, I require your assistance.”

“What can I help you with, love?” he replied in a British accent of his own. I felt the dampness immediately because Rick’s British enunciations were crazy sexy.

“I’m looking for a place to fuck you. Where would you like to be fucked?”

He chuckled. “Anywhere but the arse.”

I laughed at his joke, but damn if he wasn’t totally turning me on. “Can you keep up that accent? You sound like Daniel Craig when he played James Bond.”

“Does Daniel Craig turn you on, my love?”

“No baby, you turn me on. Sounding like Daniel Craig is just a bonus. I really like James Bond.”

“What a coincidence because you sound like James Bond too when you try to do a British accent, but when Sean Connery played him.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I guess I’ll just have to use my French impression to lure you then,
monsieur
.” My French accent wasn’t much better. I tried to sound like Juliette Binoche, but it came out Gerard Depardieu.

“You don’t have to use an accent to lure me. Your voice is sexy enough, especially when you’re screaming my name. Now, the only question is, where can I hear you scream it?”

We were talking quietly and the music was loud, but I still glanced around nervously to make sure we were not overheard.

“Rick, someone once told me if two people want to fuck bad enough, finding a place isn’t that difficult.”

“Sounds like a smart man, so let’s follow his advice.”

I led him through the grounds and inside the main building into the most girly room in the world. Everything was pink, white, frilly and flowery. I locked the door behind us.

“What’s this?” Rick asked me.

“This is where Stevie got ready,” I answered, sitting on the rose patterned chaise and patting the place next to me for him.

“This is where you want to do it?” Rick looked around curiously.

“It was either this or the woman’s bathroom and trust me, I don’t want Great Aunt Fern walking in on us.

He walked over to me and knelt down next to me on the floor. He slid his hands up my legs.

“Yes, we can’t have that. You’re wearing a garter belt.” He let his fingers trail along the suspender portion.

I laughed. “You bought me so many I figured I should wear them.”

He slid his hands all the way up my dress until they encircled the lacy part of my underwear.

“I have to tell you the rules,” I said, already breathless from his touch.

“We have rules again?”

“Yes, tonight we do. You can’t mess up my hair and you have to fuck me with all my clothes on.”

“We’ve done that before, except that your hair looks so beautiful it might be hard to resist.”

“Dillon thinks it looks beautiful too. He worked on it for an hour and he’ll totally freak if it’s messy.”

“All right, baby, I can work with those rules.” He edged up and pushed me on my back. “Now slide up.” I edged backwards on the chaise using my elbows. Rick placed an arm on each side of my stomach and followed me.

“Turn around, baby. It’ll be hard for me not to touch you if I’m looking at you.”