The Nothingness of Ben (7 page)

“So you were like Lonely Boy on
Gossip Girl
.”

Ben cracked up.

“Yes, that’s exactly who I was like. I was the scholarship student from Brooklyn.”

“Or in your case, Texas.
Thrust into a world of wealth and power
. Good premise for a TV show.”

Ben laughed. “Like I said, anything but average. So, where all have you lived?”

“Me? Oh, gosh. Exotic places. Born in Round Rock actually, moved to Lubbock when I was eight. We lived there ’til my daddy left us. I was a freshman in high school at the time. Mama got a job in Houston, of all places. I hate Houston. That didn’t last but six months before she up and followed a guy to San Marcos. We lived there for a spell. That was okay, I reckon. I graduated from San Marcos High. Go Rattlers. I stuck around there for a few years ’til Mama died. I’d just turned twenty-one, I think.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“July 22.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because that’s my birthday too—1983?”

“Yeah.”

“We were born on the same day?”

“Looks that way.”

“I’m on the Leo side.”

Travis laughed. “I’m on the Cancer side. Had my chart done a few years ago.”

“Isn’t that crazy?”

“It’s a little bit strange,” Travis admitted, sitting up. “So, tell me about David.”

“Not much to tell. We met at a Halloween party. Been seeing each other ever since. He’s hot. Nice guy. I had nothing to complain about.”

“Wow. What a ringing endorsement.”

“Sorry.”

“Is something wrong?”

Ben laughed. “Is it that obvious? Yes, something’s wrong, or maybe I’m just bad at it. It’s always been this way, though, ever since Matt McKay in high school. He was my big crush. I thought I was in love with him. I felt it. But I was a coward, and it didn’t matter anyway because he was straight. Once I started dating guys who wanted to have real, live sex with me, I never mustered that feeling again. I can’t seem to put the feeling together with the sex.”

“Sounds like you’re still ahead of me.”

“Why’s that?”

They both leaned back in their chairs, looking up at the night sky.

“I don’t understand a damn thing about women. I don’t know what they want, and I sure as hell don’t know what they want from me. I’m just awful at talking to ’em. I’ve been in lust plenty of times, believe you me. I’m good at the ‘little less conversation, little more action’ part.”

Ben laughed.

“I hear you, Elvis. I’m the same way.”

“But after that, I’m a piss-poor excuse for a boyfriend. And Trisha and I are getting to that point. I can feel it around the next bend. One of these days I’m gonna disappoint her and she’s gonna know that I don’t really care enough.”

“Dude, that’s harsh.”

“I know, dude!” Travis sat up so he could face Ben. “So what am I doing? I ask you, as my new friend, what in the fuck am I doing?”

“You’re enjoying regular and dependable sex.”

“Yes! That’s the good ol’ boy answer. But here’s another question for you.”

He paused for effect.

“What are
you
doing?”

“You mean existentially or right now in this moment?”

“Don’t get all deep on me. I mean, when was the last time you talked to David?”

Ben looked over at him and snarled. “When I was at the airport.”

“You mean, when you were at the airport
five days
ago
? Equally harsh, dude, that’s all I’m saying. Equally harsh.”

“Fuck, you’re right. I’m a douche bag. But I know he’s going to ask me when I’m coming back to New York. And I’m going to tell him that I’m not. Then there’s going to be the inevitable, and the worst part is, I know he’s already figured it out. He knows I’m not coming back. He knows there’s no one else to take care of them. He knows I’m not leaning on him.”

“Still gotta make that call.”

“And you need to shit or get off the pot.”

Travis started laughing hysterically. “You said
pot
, dude.” Ben joined in with his own laughter. Finally, after they’d settled down, the two men lay back again and returned their gaze to the stars.

“Favorite stoner movie?” Travis asked.

“Oh, man, tough one. Never got into the Cheech & Chong thing. Too old school for me. You looking for movies about pot smoking or good movies to watch stoned?”

“The question don’t come with rules, Ben.”

“Okay, okay. It’s an important distinction. Personally, I’d go with
Bill & Ted
as the classic to watch stoned. After that,
Dude, Where’s My Car?
Hard to beat Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott making out.
Harold & Kumar
scores points for the Neil Patrick Harris bit, but they’re not as hot as Ashton and Seann, and they don’t make out, and frankly, that movie is kind of a buzz kill, so….”

“Love
Bill & Ted
.”

“‘What’s your favorite number?’”

“Sixty-nine, dude!” they said together, playing an air-guitar riff.

“Christ,” Travis said. “You’re alright, you know that, Obi-Wan?”

“’Fess up. You thought I was going to be an asshole. Mr. Hotshot Lawyer from New York City.”

“Nu-uh, I never thought that. But when I met you at the cemetery, you did intimidate the hell out of me. Right down to the way your suit fit.”

“Are you serious?”

“One hundred and ten percent serious. Thank God Cade threw that hissy fit. I could see you were about ready to kick my sorry ass to the curb.”

“I wasn’t….”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Okay, I was. But consider the circumstances.”

“That’s what I was doing. I was trying to be polite, but then Cade started crying and I thought, well, it wouldn’t be a Southern funeral if someone didn’t make a scene. I’m glad you invited me along.”

“Cade didn’t give me much of a choice. For the record, though, I’m glad I invited you along too. But enough of that. Continue your life story. What happened after your mom died?”

Travis looked confused. “Oh. I went to the Gulf. Biloxi. Worked on oil rigs and tankers for a few years. Learned everything I could about engines. Saved a lot of money. Got tired of working for evil oil companies and wanted to come home to Texas. I thought about going back to San Marcos but decided to give Austin a shot instead. I got an apartment up on Anderson Mill the first year.”

“Damn. That’s north.”

“Yeah. Might as well be in Williamson County at that point. And I didn’t like living alone. So when I was just about ready to kill myself from boredom, I decided to look for a place in central Austin. Got the job, moved into Mrs. Wright’s place, met your dad and your awesome family, met a nice girl. I’m thinking life ain’t too bad for a change. And then….”

Silence.

“That part I understand.”

“So when did you know you were gay?”

Ben thought for a moment. “Depends on how you define
know
.”

“Sounds like something a lawyer would say. Did you ever date or fool around with girls?”

“Sure. Did you ever date or fool around with guys?”

Travis laughed nervously. “No.”

“Did you ever
want
to date or fool around with guys?”

“Wait a minute, am I on the witness stand or something?”

“Sorry about that. Bad habit. I tend to favor an aggressive line of questioning. Let’s see. Like I told you, I was in love with my debate partner, Matt McKay, in high school…”

“Debate? What a nerd.”

Ben flipped him the middle finger. “… so I had to know something was up then. But I was okay dating girls at that point. After college, it was all guys. That’s when I came out to my parents. They say you always know, but college was when I
knew
knew.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t ask me if it hurts. Another stupid cliché. Besides, I wouldn’t know.”

“Really? So you’re the man in bed?”

“You did not just say that.”

“Only to get a rise out of you.”

“It’s called the top, not the man. And yes, I’m the top. Don’t think that all gay guys like to bottom. There are some guys that respond to the butt sex and some that don’t. Doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight.”

“I’m sorry, but that dog don’t hunt.”

“You’re wrong. Lots of straight guys discover they like ass play. It’s a known fact. Doesn’t make them gay. Me, I don’t like anyone going near my rear end. Doesn’t make me straight. Top and bottom, gay and straight—the two have nothing to do with each other. It’s all about anatomy.”

“So David’s the bottom?”

“You mean the guy I’m dating?”

“Yeah.”

“The guy I haven’t called in five days?”

“That one.”

“Power bottom. Only happy when my dick is in his ass. His words, not mine.”

Travis blushed and then laughed to cover it.

“You’re such a moron.”

“And you’ve been hanging around Quentin too long, using that word.”

“So, you think I’m a top or a bottom?”

Ben snickered. “Look at you, all curious and shit. I suppose there’s only one way to find out. I bet Trisha would strap one on if you asked her.”

“No!” Travis yelled, laughing. “I ain’t never gonna be able to get that image out of my head, thank you.”

“Sorry, my bad. But you asked the question, and yes, I will go there when I’m stoned.”

Travis moved his hands and looked back at Ben. “So you’re saying some guys like it and some guys don’t? No matter if you’re gay or straight?”

“That’s what I’m saying. There’s a dude on this gay-for-pay porn site that is totally straight. I’m the first one to be suspicious of that, but even I believe him. Says he’ll never kiss a guy, ever, but loves a dick up his ass. Has no problem admitting that—just the way he’s built, he says. And when he gets fucked, his eyes literally roll back into his head. Me, I’m pretty gay, but on the few occasions that I’ve tried it, there was no eye rolling.”

“So you have tried it? Getting poked in the butt?”

“Of course I tried it. You think I’m uptight or something? You have to try things out to know whether you like them or not. You have to be a little adventurous. Like you, man. You’ve never tried it with a guy?”

“Nope.”

“Well, I tried it with several women and it didn’t float my boat. Even if I were a perfect Kinsey six—I’m more of a five, really—I would still have tried it with at least one girl just to see what it was like. Personally, I think every guy who calls himself straight should take a hike on the gay Appalachian Trail at least once in his life.”

Travis didn’t say anything and Ben squirmed in his chair. “But what do I know?” he said, sitting up. “How about we dig out
Bill & Ted
. Watch that before we crash. You should stay in the guest room tonight. That way you can be here when the brothers wake up. Can’t miss the best part.”

“Do I get to open my present?”

“Oh shit, I forgot. Of course. It’s nothing big.”

Travis unwrapped and opened the box. A broad smile spread out across his face. He held up a folded Rand McNally map of Alaska.

“Quentin said you wanted to go.”

“Thanks. Yeah, I do. In the summer.”

“This summer?”

“Yeah, I’ve been looking into it.”

“Cool. Well, now you can plan your day trips.”

Ben sat back again. There was a long pause. “It hasn’t happened yet.”

“What do you mean?” asked Travis.

“I mean, they haven’t died yet. It’s not real.”

“Give it time. This part don’t last forever.”

“Both your parents are gone?”

“Yep. My daddy died last year. So we got something in common.”

“Why am I not sad? I feel… nothing. Just numb.”

Travis sat up and faced him.

“Give it time, Obi-Wan. It’s coming. Trust me when I say that in no uncertain terms. It’s coming.”

Chapter 6

C
HRISTMAS
morning arrived without any of the usual fanfare. Cade didn’t wake up at the crack of dawn and there was no running through the house calling at the top of his lungs. Instead, at nine thirty, the five of them shuffled out of their rooms and into the kitchen.

“You moving in, Trav?” joked Quentin, pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

“It was late. We watched
Bill & Ted
after y’all went to bed.”

“Hey, royal ugly dudes!” Cade quoted as he high-fived Travis.

“Too late to cross the street?” Quentin continued.

“Ben thought….”

“Relax,” said Ben. “He’s just busting your balls.”

Quentin flashed his eyebrows at Ben.

“Merry Christmas, big brother.”

“Wipe that smirk off your face.”

“Can we have pancakes?” Cade asked.

Ben looked at Travis. “Is that in your arsenal?”

Travis scoffed at the suggestion that it might not be. “I got you covered.”

So Travis started making pancakes for breakfast.

“We should eat in the living room,” Jason said. “And watch a movie. We can call it Pancake Cinema.”

“That’s a stupid name,” complained Quentin.

“It’s an awesome name. You’re the one that’s stupid.”

“Why does it even need to have a name? It’s just breakfast while we watch a movie.”