The Nothingness of Ben (21 page)

“You feel like you just dropped out of warp?”

Jason nodded.

“Okay. So, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You were at a party and you took a drug that someone gave you. Ecstasy. Do you know what that is?”

He nodded again.

“You’re not in trouble. But if you do this again, you will be. Do you understand?”

“Yeah.”

“Now, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re not going to get much sleep tonight and you’re going to feel like shit warmed over tomorrow. But we’re going back to the Mead house and we’re not going to say anything about this to anybody. Do you hear me?”

“I hear you.”

“And when we get home, you and Quentin and I are going to have a long talk. And you’re never going to do anything like this again. Because if you do, I will lock you in your room until you’re eighteen. Understood?”

“Understood.”

“Good. Now let’s catch a cab and get back before Mrs. Mead calls the cops.”

T
HEY
flew back to Texas the next morning. The Meads asked no questions regarding the events of the previous night, even when faced with Ben’s swollen lip. As expected, Jason felt like he had been hit by a freight train. Quentin didn’t speak and Cade watched a movie on his phone, oblivious to the sour moods of his brothers. When he heard that Travis had clocked Ben on the jaw, Cade’s reaction had been entirely sympathetic.

“I’ve wanted to do that a few times myself.”

Once airborne, Ben knew that he and Travis needed to finish their conversation from the night before.

“We need to talk,” he began.

“Yep, I know.”

“I’m sorry that I pushed you into something before you had all the facts. It wasn’t fair to you at all.”

“Apology accepted. I’m sorry I hit you.”

“I probably deserved it.”

The flight attendant pulled a cart up to their seats and asked if they wanted anything to drink. They each requested a Coke and some shortbread cookies.

“So now what?” Travis asked.

“Maybe if the whole thing with Jason hadn’t happened last night… things might be different. But it did. And the fact is, I’ve been distracted. By my grief. By my single-minded need to get back to New York.” He paused. “By my relationship with you. I haven’t been paying attention. I’d like to blame Quentin for what happened last night, but I didn’t even ask where this party was. Or who was throwing it. Or if there would be any supervision. Any of the things that any parent would ask. I just trusted Catherine, even though I’m the one who’s responsible. So it turns out Julie was right: I’m not prepared for this at all. I had no idea what it means to be a parent. But if anything happened to one of those boys, I would never forgive myself. The list of my regrets is already too long.”

“I get it.”

“Do you?”

“Ben, I was scared to death last night. If that was me, I wouldn’t have known what to do. What
did
you do?”

“I turned a bad trip into a good trip. When they told me he had thrown up, I knew the drug was already in his system. And I know that pure MDMA is not a deadly drug. So, he was going to go on a ride and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. He needed his brother, not a hospital.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Come on, Travis. I’m a twenty-seven-year-old gay man living in Manhattan. I’ve been to the Black Party. Do you think I’ve never done Ecstasy before?”

“So what did you do with Jason?”

“We walked around the West Village and talked. And boy did he have a lot to say. That’s Ecstasy for you. Everything poured out of him. I found out he
is
being bullied at school. I don’t know what my uncles have said to him, but for some reason, he thinks they hate him. He’s got the biggest crush on a boy named Jake. As we were talking… I don’t know. He came first, before everything else in my life. My brothers need to be my number-one priority. Before my job. Before myself….”

“And before me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Travis turned his head away and looked out the window. Ben fought back tears and saw Travis doing the same as he turned back and wiped his eyes dry.

“Are you still fixin’ to move in May?”

Ben didn’t have an answer for him.

“I don’t know. I need to talk to them about it. It was a disaster, but it was only one week. I need to figure out if there’s a real problem there. And if I mean what I say about putting them first, then ultimately it’s their decision. They have absolute power.”

“Quentin and Jason ain’t never gonna say no to you. Not after last night. I sat up with Q for two hours waiting for you. He was beating himself up, talking about your daddy and how disappointed he would be in him. But he was singing your praises.”

Ben tried to smile. “Maybe it was necessary. The whole trip. We were living in a bubble for three months. It was bound to burst at some point.”

Travis looked back out the window, and the two men didn’t say anything for several moments.

“So, where do we go from here?” Travis asked, still staring at the clouds floating by.

“I wish I had answers for you. Honestly, I do. If we end up moving, I certainly don’t expect you to come with us. I know you don’t belong there. But if we stay in Austin… well, I still need to get my priorities straight. Maybe I’m the wrong person for you, Travis, at least right now. I want you to be a part of their lives. I want you to be a part of my life. But I don’t know how to be a boyfriend and a parent at the same time.”

“I’ll wait until you figure it out,” Travis said, turning back to Ben.

“No. I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t.”

They fell silent.

“Okay,” Ben finally said. “But I need a time-out.”

“For how long?”

Ben shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Travis took a gulp of his Coke. “Okay. Then at least let me tell you I didn’t mean half the things I said last night. Some things I did, but I can’t remember when I’ve been so riled up. I don’t know what came over me. It was wrong of me to say that you’ve ruined my life. The fact of the matter is, I feel just the opposite. You woke me up, Ben, and I ain’t talking about the gay part. I know someday I’m gonna look back on this and realize meeting you was a turning point in my life. No matter what happens.” He choked up and had to turn away again. After a moment, he wiped his eyes and continued. “I don’t know if I’ll ever feel this way about nobody else, but at least now I know I can. Feel this way, I mean. I know it’s in me, and that’s a whole hell of a lot more than I knew before. I love you, Ben, and I’ve never said that to no one and meant it more.”

“I love you too, Travis. I would never have gotten through these past three months without you.”

“That ain’t true, but it’s nice to hear.”

They didn’t say much after that.

When they got home, Travis crossed the street to Mrs. Wright’s house. The brothers plopped down in the living room and turned on the television, glad to be home and to see their New York ordeal come to an end.

T
RAVIS
didn’t come around after that. Cade asked about him, but Ben explained that he wouldn’t be hanging out for a while and Cade didn’t press the issue. Ben sat down with Quentin and Jason that week and the three of them had a long talk. He told them about what happened with Travis and they both said they were sorry if they’d played a role in it. They talked about the party and the drugs. Ben couldn’t preach to them as if he were their father, but he nonetheless reconsidered his hands-off approach and laid down a few rules. When they demonstrated good judgment then
maybe
he would loosen the reins.

A week later, Ben received a contract from Wilson & Mead in the mail. Fifteen pages long, it detailed the terms of the firm’s financial assistance to the Walsh brothers. It took him about an hour to read through the whole thing, until he stopped at page fourteen. He read it over several times as his father’s words rang in his ears. The contract contained a ‘do not compete’ clause. By signing it and accepting the money, Ben effectively agreed that if he ever left Wilson & Mead for any reason, he could not practice law in the state of New York for twenty-five years.

After their trip, Ben had already begun to seriously question moving his brothers to New York. This clause in the contract only finalized that decision. He would never agree to it and he knew Colin couldn’t fix it. Besides, Ben felt the need to grow up and stop relying on Colin so much. He thought back to that day in New York when he’d gotten the phone call from Father Davenport, when his biggest problem had been what kind of gift to get David for Christmas. It seemed like a lifetime ago now, and he realized how childish he had behaved immediately after his parents’ death.

At dinner that night, he’d told his brothers they would be staying in Austin. He would take the Texas Bar Exam in August and have a job by Labor Day. All three boys expressed their relief, even Jason, whose brush with fast-lane Manhattan teenagers had left even him gun-shy and reluctant.

One afternoon in early April, Ben noticed that he hadn’t seen Travis’s truck parked across the street for several days. Ben missed him and had begun to regret their conversation on the plane ride back from New York. He decided to cross the street and investigate. Ben knocked on the front door and waited. He heard Mrs. Wright shuffle around and yell, “Who is it?” from inside.

“It’s Ben Walsh. From across the street.”

A few seconds later, she opened the door and smiled.

“Oh, I’ve been expecting you, Ben.”

“You have?”

“Yes,” she answered. “But first I need to ask you a question.”

“What’s that, Mrs. Wright?”

“Are you moving to New York City or staying here in Austin?”

“Well, turns out we’ll be staying. Why?”

“Travis told me I was only supposed to give you this if you and the boys are staying.” She turned around and picked up a manila envelope from the lamp table next to her sofa, handing it to Ben. “Here you go.”

He looked down at the envelope. Travis had scrawled his name on the front in black magic marker.

BEN

“Where did he go?”

“He didn’t say. Just packed up a few days ago and moved out. Said you would understand when you got this.”

Ben felt the blood drain from his face. His mouth went dry and he cleared his throat. “Thanks, Mrs. Wright.”

“How are your brothers doing?”

“They’re doing fine, thanks for asking. I need to get back, though. I have to pick them up from school soon.”

“Well, we always include you in our prayer circle at church. Lord knows, it can’t hurt.”

“Thanks for that. I expect you’re right.” He turned to go and then stopped short. “If he calls or anything, could you let me know?”

“Of course, dear.”

He left her house and crossed the street, his heart racing. He rushed through the back door and sat down at the kitchen table. He stared at the envelope for several minutes, terrified that it was a letter telling him good-bye. He picked up the envelope and felt it with his hands. It wasn’t a letter. Finally, he tore it open and emptied the contents onto the table in front of him.

It was the map of Alaska Ben had given to Travis for Christmas. On the front were three words, scribbled in the same black magic marker.

I’M COMING BACK

Chapter 15

“
W
HAT
’
S
this?” Quentin asked, holding up the map of Alaska. Ben had picked them up from school, after which they gathered in the kitchen to discuss dinner plans. “What does ‘I’m coming back’ mean?”

“Travis left that for me. I went over to Mrs. Wright’s place this afternoon to ask about him, because I hadn’t seen his truck in a few days. She said he packed his things and left. Didn’t tell her where he was going, though.”

Cade walked around the table and took the map from Quentin.

“Duh. He went to Alaska.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” Ben countered. “If he went to Alaska, then he would have taken the map. That’s why I gave it to him.”

“You don’t think like Travis,” Cade insisted. “He likes puzzle movies. If he left you a map, that’s him telling you where he went. He’s always wanted to see a place where the sun never sets. Have you looked inside?”

“No,” answered Ben. “Why?”

“One of Travis’s favorite movies is
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
. X marks the spot. Remember? In the library?”

Cade opened the map and laid it out on the table.

“See?” he said, pointing toward the northern part of the state.

In the same black magic marker, Travis had put an
X
on the city of Barrow.

“It’s on the north coast of Alaska,” Jason said, “inside the Arctic Circle. The sun won’t go down for half of May and the entire months of June and July.”

“How do you know that?” asked Ben.

“He told us all about it,” Quentin answered. “He’d been researching it for a while. I think he even had a job lined up. Two and a half months of wall-to-wall daylight. He was pretty stoked.”