The Nothingness of Ben (25 page)

One Monday in mid-October, he got a text from Quentin.

He’s here.

Ben felt the blood drain from his face. He looked at the time stamp. Four thirty in the afternoon. He and Dan were going over some evidence files at work.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked.

Ben paused for a second, then said, “Nothing. I need to go home. Can you wade through the rest of this?”

“Absolutely. You’re not going to tell me what’s going on, though?”

“A guy. Someone I dated last spring. He’s back.”

“Is this a good thing or a bad thing?”

Ben considered the question. “I’ll let you know as soon as I find out.”

Ben drove home, trying to stay calm along the way. When he pulled up to the house and parked the truck, he prepared himself for whatever waited on the other side of the door. When he went inside, his brothers were sitting in the living room. Ben saw someone with his back to him. His red hair had grown out over the months, falling down and covering his neck. He wore a white, long-sleeved thermal pullover with a black T-shirt over it. He shifted his head and Ben recognized the smile.

Stay cool
, he told himself.

“Look who’s here!” Cade announced as he walked up to Ben with his hand held out.

“I’ll get you your money later, squirt.”

Travis stood up and turned around.

“Howdy,” he said.

“Hey there,” Ben replied.

Quentin and Jason grabbed Cade and tried to hightail it out of the living room.

“Let go of me,” Cade protested.

“We’re making ourselves scarce, you moron.”

“Quentin,” Ben warned.

“Sorry. You’re not a moron. Now let’s go.”

They disappeared from the living room. Ben couldn’t stop staring at Travis. He looked more mature somehow, and incredibly sexy with his long hair. He looked like a man reborn.

“I lose a lot of money betting against you, Atwood.”

“Maybe you should stop, then.”

Ben saw something poking out from underneath his shirts. “Is that a nipple ring?”

Travis grinned. “Yep. At first it hurt like hell, but now I think it’s kind of hot.”

Ben swallowed. His mouth was dry. He took a long pause before he finally said, his voice breaking slightly, “You left.”

“Yeah, I… I know. And you didn’t go to New York.”

“No. It turns out there was a big, twenty-five-year string attached to the check they were writing.”

Travis looked him in the eye, his gaze steady.

“I’m sorry I left that way, Ben, but you did call a time-out and I needed some space.”

“But now you’re back. You came back.”

“The boys told me you got my message.”

“Yes, I did. Cade had to explain it to me. I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

“For a little while, at least.”

Ben felt something break inside. “You’re not staying?”

“I don’t know yet. I got another job offer. This one’s in the South Pacific. Another six months. That takes off from LA in about ten days.”

“Oh,” Ben said.

He didn’t know what else to say. Two minutes into the conversation, and Travis had already disappointed him. Did he want to know any more? Did he want to say, “Have a nice life” and walk away now?

He didn’t do that.

“What were you up to in Alaska?”

“I worked for a research team from the Berkeley science department. We were stationed in Barrow. Doing studies of the ice caps. I was their engine man. Three boats and a ship.”

“I didn’t know you worked with boats.”

“I learned on tankers when I was in the Gulf. That’s how I got the job. I’ve worked in a lot of engine rooms. I told you, I can fix anything.”

“Do you need a place to stay?” Ben asked, but he regretted it as soon as it came out of his mouth.

“No,” Travis answered. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m staying with Darrell. He has a house over in the Berkman area with three extra bedrooms. But I would like to see the boys while I’m here. If that’s okay with you.”

“Of course it’s okay. Can you see how much they’ve grown in just six months? Jason has a boyfriend.”

“He told me what you did with the sailing lessons. Nice move, Obi-Wan.”

Ben died a little inside when he heard his nickname, but kept it together. “Can you stay for dinner?” he asked.

“Not tonight. I have plans with the boys from the shop. Let me give you my number. You know me and my disposable phones—this one’s almost empty.” He read out the number to Ben, who programmed it into his iPhone. “I’m free tomorrow night, if that works.”

“Yeah,” Ben confirmed. “Tomorrow night works great. Just come by anytime after four, they’ll be here. I usually get home around seven.”

“You work late.”

“I have a lot of expectations to live up to.”

“I bet. Well, I’ll be seeing you tomorrow, then.”

Travis walked up to Ben and threw his arms around him, but as Ben started to respond, he pulled away and flew out the front door.

“Shit,” Ben muttered. “What in the fuck am I doing wrong?”

T
HE
next day at work, Ben found it difficult to focus. Dan, of course, wanted to know what had happened, and Ben gave him a relatively accurate account of the reunion.

“And then he hugged me and ran out the door. I wasn’t sure if I missed something or not. What do you think?”

“I think it sounds like he’s here for ten days and then he’s gone.”

“But he said he had a job offer. He didn’t say he’d accepted it.”

“Don’t dissect the conversation like it’s an episode of
CSI
. Besides, it sounds like a good offer. You should absolutely encourage him to take it.”

“But….”

“He’s the one who left, right?”

“Yeah,” Ben grunted, knowing full well that his reply omitted an important detail. He had pushed Travis away. He had no one to blame but himself.

“You’ve lived without him for how long?”

“Six months.”

“Don’t sweat it. You’re both halfway out the door already. Make a graceful exit and move on.”

Ben shook his head, laughing. “Do you know you give the worst relationship advice ever? Halfway out the door? You’re supposed to tell people to stay together, not encourage them to send their soul mate halfway across the globe.”

Now Dan laughed. “Soul mate? Well, you’re probably right. I’m not equipped for this. I’m not equipped for a lot of things. I absolutely did not expect my fifteen-year-old son to tell me he’s gay.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Of course not. You know better than that. I’m talking about my shortcomings, not his.”

“That’s crazy.”

“What do I know about being gay? What kind of advice will I be able to give him? I’m wishing now I actually had fooled around with a guy in college, just so I’d have something to go on. I’m not equipped, and it scares me sometimes. Another reason I’m glad you came along. But I’ll tell you one thing. This guy Travis has you rattled. I’m used to seeing you in control of a situation and, frankly, I like that Ben Walsh better. So send him on his way and let’s get back to the real you.”

B
EN
left the office a little early that evening and arrived back at the house a few minutes before seven. He found Travis and his brothers in the living room, finishing up a screening of
50 First Dates
(another Walsh brothers favorite). When the movie ended, they filed into the kitchen to discuss dinner options. Jason wanted to go to Hyde Park Bar & Grill but Cade wanted chicken tacos from Julio’s. Ben voted Hyde Park and Quentin voted Julio’s. Travis would normally cast the deciding vote, but this time he went for a coin toss instead. Cade won, and they headed out for some Tex-Mex.

Sitting next to Travis only tempted Ben to run his fingers through his long red hair—a temptation he resisted. Cade wanted to hear every detail of his time in Alaska. Travis told them about all the characters on the research team, but especially about Tami and Gretchen, the lesbian couple with whom he spent most of his free time. He talked about the continual daylight as if it were a religious experience.

“And it never went down?” Cade asked. “The sun, I mean.”

“Nope. For two and a half months, it was always daylight. I’d sometimes take the smaller boat out by myself at three in the morning, which was the closest you got to dusk.”

“How did you sleep?” Quentin asked.

“A good set of blackout curtains.”

They stayed and listened to Travis tell his stories until almost ten o’clock. When they finally left and returned to the house, the boys excused themselves and disappeared into their rooms.

“Why don’t we go out back?” Travis suggested. “Sit outside on the lawn chairs.”

“I don’t have a joint on me.”

“We don’t need that anymore. Come on, I want to hear about your summer.”

They went outside and sat under the open sky, like they had on Christmas Eve some ten months ago.

“What happened to you?” Ben asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re… changed. More sure of yourself. Travis 2.0.”

“I had a very productive summer,” Travis said, smiling. “I read a lot of books. I found out who James Joyce is. And Manet. And Dan Savage. Gretchen was in charge of my
education des beaux arts
, as she called it, and she butchered the pronunciation even worse than me. She reprogrammed my iPod every day with new music and then we talked about it at dinner. I should show you the flash cards she made for me. You’d get a kick out of ’em.”

“What kind of flash cards?”

“All of the one hundred greatest books and who wrote them. Paintings with the artist and period on the back. I even know what baroque music is.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because we got drunk one night, me and Gretchen and Tami, and I told them all about you and my inferiority complex. And the fact that I didn’t know a goddamned thing about the world and how pissed off I was about that. I told them about the dinner party at Colin’s. Gretchen was like, ‘That’s hogwash! No one’s read everything.’ But then the next day she asked if I wanted to fill in some of the large gaps between my ears and I said, yes, please. I’ve even listened to the original cast recording of
Follies
. I had ‘Losing My Mind’ on repeat for a solid week. Martin was right. It is the single greatest song about heartache I’ve ever heard.”

Ben paused. “You didn’t have to do all that.”

“I didn’t do it for you.”

“Did you meet anyone?”

“You mean dating-wise? No, it wasn’t that kind of summer. Did you?”

“No,” Ben said, shaking his head emphatically. “I studied for the bar exam, mostly.”

“Which I’m sure you passed.”

“Yes. I got the results a few days ago.”

Neither of them spoke for a minute. Ben looked over and smiled when he saw Travis gazing up at the stars. Travis turned his head and smiled back.

“So,” Ben said. “Here we are.”

“Here we are,” Travis repeated. “You look good.”

“So do you. I like the long hair.”

“Thanks.”

Ben took a breath. “Are we going to talk about it?”

“Us, you mean?” Travis answered.

“Yeah.”

“What are you thinking?”

The question left Ben conflicted. On the one hand, of course, he loved Travis and wanted him to stay. But on the other, Dan had a point. This job provided Travis with the opportunity to do something with his life, and Ben should be encouraging that, not standing in the way. After hearing him talk at dinner about his time with the Berkeley crew, Ben knew that was where Travis belonged. He also knew he wouldn’t wait another six months. The time had come to move on.

“It sounds like you have an amazing opportunity. Again. I think you should take it. We’re not going to be young forever, Travis. This is the time of your life when you should be spending six months in Alaska and six months in the South Pacific. It so obviously agrees with you.”

“But what about you and me?”

Ben shook his head.

“Our timing sucks. I’m sorry, but sometimes you can’t fix that, no matter how good the sex is.”

Travis laughed. “It was good, wasn’t it?”

“Spectacular. But you have to do what’s best for you, which is something I understand completely. That’s what I did.”

Travis kept his head facing forward so that Ben couldn’t see his reaction.

“Even if it’s not what’s best for us?”

Ben paused for a moment. “Is there enough of us left to really matter? It’s been six months, Travis.” Ben felt like he was arguing a case he didn’t believe in. Everything about Travis still mattered, but he was determined to stop being selfish.

“I know,” Travis said. “I just thought… never mind. I reckon that answers the rest of my questions. It does feel like I’m doing something with my life, even though I’m just fixing engines.”

“That’s important, don’t you think?”

“I guess so.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben thought he saw Travis wipe a tear away. But he couldn’t be sure.

“How was your summer?” asked Travis, changing the subject.

“Hot,” Ben answered. “And dry. And long. It never rained. We spent most of our weekends down at the Springs. I’ve seen a couple of my friends from college. A lot of people come here for school and never leave. I’ve got everything running pretty smoothly with the boys now, so that’s an accomplishment, I guess.”

“How is Jason’s new school?”

“Like night and day. He loves it. He’s getting good grades, he’s got a boyfriend. He’s more successful than I am.”

Travis laughed. “You still crack me up.”

“I still crack you up.”

“And your new job?”

“I like it. I made the right choice. As it turns out, I think my life may not completely suck after all.”

“That’s a huge step forward, Ben.”

“I love how you see it that way.”

He wanted to ask Travis to stay. He wanted to get down on his knees and beg him not to go away again. He wanted to be impulsive and romantic and all the things that had seemed lost to him when Travis disappeared, but then he remembered the last time he’d acted that way and the swollen lip he got for it.