The New Eve (23 page)

It's one thing for the Bible to set forth what it touts as God's design for marriage. It's another thing to ask, But is this really the best marriage arrangement? Is it the best for women? As any Eve knows, there's a host of other alternatives out there to pick from.

Sociologists Steven Nock and Brad Wilcox of the University of Virginia think they have some answers about which sorts of marriage models work best for women. Based on the findings of the National Survey of Families and Households, their research provides hard data on which type of marriage makes most women happiest.
¹
Let me summarize six of their conclusions that Wilcox gave in an interview with
Christianity Today.

1. Wives are happiest when they experience their
   husband's emotional engagement.
   This means a husband is affectionate, sympathetic, and “tuned in” to his wife's key needs. Emotional engagement is by far and away the single most important factor in a woman's happiness in marriage.
   
2. Wives who are in
   neo-traditional marriages
   (where the husband has the lead for breadwinning and the wife has the lead for nurturing) are happier and more stable than wives in other less traditional marriages.
   
3. Wives who along with their husbands
   attend church on a weekly basis are
   happier in their marriages than other women. The idea that Christians are just as likely to divorce as non-Christians is not correct
   if regular
   church attendance is factored in. If so, such marriages are not only happier, but they are 35–50 percent less likely to end in divorce. Husbands who attend church regularly are also more likely to spend quality time with their wives
   and more likely to express affection to them than husbands who are not regular churchgoers.
   
4. Wives whose
   husbands earn the lion's share of the marriage income
   (at least 66 percent or more) are happier than other married women. They are also more likely to spend quality time with their husbands. When a husband is a good breadwinner, his wife is afforded more freedom and more life options, which contribute to her happiness.
   
5. Wives who have more
   traditional gender attitudes
   are significantly happier in their marriages than other women. They're also more likely to embrace the idea that men should take the primary lead in breadwinning and women should take the primary lead in nurturing the children, managing the home, and managing family life.
   
6. Wives whose
   husbands do a fair share of the housework
   are happier than other married women. It is extremely important that a wife considers the division of the housework to be fair to her. A sense of equity is important, but equity is
   not
   equality. Happy wives want things to be fair, but they don't equate fairness with equality.
   ²
   

If you think all the points above seem to closely resemble the biblical marriage I outlined earlier, you're right. Whether they know it or not, Nock and Wilcox have generally described the marital blueprints God set down in His Word. These always have and always will produce the best marriages and the happiest wives.

What the Bible outlines as God's design for marriage has been a life-giving asset for Sherard and me. Despite a number of
hard times, it has kept our marriage relationship strong, energized, and deeply unified.

This past Christmas all four of our children were able to be home with us, including Elizabeth's husband, Brent, and their son, Drew. For a few moments before opening presents, we each reflected back on the good things God had done in our lives for which we were grateful. It turned into a holy moment. Soon there were tears of joy flowing in all directions for the better things God had blessed our family with: answered prayers, significant life change, new freedom from bad habits, deeper relationships, a healthy baby, new understanding about life and God, and surprising, undeserved opportunities. As I listened, my heart was filled with praise and gratitude. It was all because of God and the plan, partnership, and power He graciously brought into my marriage thirty-five years ago when Sherard and I reached out and believed.

Your Biggest Challenge, Your First Bold Move

T
he early evening air was crisp and scented with autumn leaves as Susan arrived at the church. Children ran and laughed on the playground, playfully evading their parents who tried to collect them in the fading light. Susan stopped to watch. She thought of her childhood in Boston and her enchanted visits with Grandma in rural Massachusetts—the laughter, the ease, and the togetherness the whole family enjoyed over meals and backyard games. But that was before her parents divorced. Before she learned about relying on no one.

Now twenty-six, Susan was a world away from the family life she’d once known. Her house was in Raleigh, North Carolina, but she was a citizen of the world. As a hard-charging MBA, Susan aimed for the top. To prove her hunger, she traveled anywhere the company asked. Trouble in Chicago? Send Susan. There was nothing she couldn't do in a seventy-hour workweek. The Seattle staff needed training? Susan was the one. Boston, Los Angeles, San Antonio, anywhere, anytime. Susan's was a
life in transit, and the transit began every Monday at 4:00 a.m. when she woke up, hopped a plane, and didn't return home until Friday night.

The money was good, but other priorities suffered. Saturdays were for crashing, and Sundays for church and maybe a quick visit with a friend. By Sunday afternoon she was packing for another workweek somewhere. Where did dating fit in? It didn't. But what choice did she have? Her career goals were as yet unrealized. She couldn't slow down now.

As she watched the last child hop into a waiting van, she sighed and turned to walk on to her Sunday evening meeting. She looked down at the book she was carrying.

Me, a New Eve?
she thought.
I just don't know.

On the other side of the playground, Patricia had just finished parking her car. She'd seen Susan walking along the sidewalk across the way and watched her pause to look at the children.
What's she thinking about?
Patricia wondered.
She's young, talented. What does she want from life?
Patricia felt she had a pretty good idea. She had Susan pegged for a single-minded careerist.
So how has she been processing this New Eve study we're in together?
Patricia wasn't yet sure. Since their meeting was set to start in five minutes, Patricia gathered her stuff and hurried into the church. But she did so with anxiety.

As a fifty-one-year-old business executive who had never married, Patricia had learned to be guarded around other Christians. They meant her no harm, of course, but Patricia often felt edged out of church life. People didn't know what to do with her. She didn't fit their categories or expectations. She didn't have kids or grandkids to chat about or a husband whose
foibles she could laughingly reveal to a circle of sympathetic women. But the differences didn't end there. She had traveled the world on business and now was earning more money annually than most couples earn in years. All of this pushed Patricia to the outside. The truth is, she often felt more alone in church than anywhere else in her life.

How can I be a model Christian woman when I don't fit the expected mold?

Susan and Patricia met in front of the church and began to enter when they heard a car pull up in the lot behind them. They turned to watch Tracey zip her minivan into position next to Patricia's Mercedes. Tracey was a thirty-year-old, stay-at-home mom with two young kids and a baby on the way. She was barely holding it together.

“I made it!” she exclaimed with a big smile as she got out. “I told Trevor I can't be late again, so he got the kids distracted for me, and I rushed out of the house before they noticed! Isn't it crazy what a woman has to do to get out of the house?”

Patricia and Susan exchanged a humored glance. Neither of them could relate to Tracey's experience, but they enjoyed her open and fun-loving spirit.

When the three of them reached the meeting room, they found Anne scurrying around putting the finishing touches on a veritable buffet table of fruits, dips, and sweets.

“Anne, what on earth have you done?” asked Patricia in amazement.

“Oh! Just some finger foods. It wasn't any trouble at all.”

“Looks like a
lot
of trouble to me,” said Tracey. “Thanks so much for doing this!”

They mingled and munched for a while, and then Patricia suggested they start the meeting.

“But what about Brenda?” Tracey asked. “I'd hate to start without her.”

Susan agreed. “Brenda's been stressed out lately. She and John are struggling. They're barely communicating right now. That's a hard way to start a second marriage.”

“That's for sure,” replied Anne. As an empty nester, Anne was happily married. Her children were reasonably healthy and well adjusted. To this point, life had been fairly smooth, but Anne found herself regularly asking, “What now?” It disturbed her that she had no ready answer.

Brenda came in a few minutes later, looking embarrassed.

“Hi, everyone! Sorry I'm late.”

“That's OK,” the group said in unison. Brenda set her purse down and went for a quick stop at the refreshments table. “This is just what I needed,” she said. “I've been running nonstop all day. Thanks for taking the time to do this!”

“Thank Anne,” Susan quickly interjected. “She came early and did everything.”

“How sweet of you, Anne!” said Brenda. “Thanks so much.”

“Well, you're very welcome. I'm happy to help.”

Brenda settled down into a seat and insisted that they not delay any further on her account. Anne, who had accepted the challenge to be the discussion leader, took charge.

“Well, we've all read and discussed the book,” she said. “Tonight we agreed to write on an index card our biggest challenge to being a New Eve. So let's take turns sharing what we wrote. Who wants to go first?”

Susan decided to open the discussion. Besides, she had to be on a plane in less than twelve hours. No time for procrastination. She grabbed the card from where she had lodged it in the book and held it up for all the ladies to read.