The New Eve (20 page)

Use wisdom with a man.

This may sound simple, but it's not. It requires research and investigation. A New Eve studies the essential nature of men to understand and appreciate the inner workings and unchangeable characteristics of the male psyche. By doing so, she equips herself with a huge advantage that will go a long way toward helping her find happiness in a future relationship. To get you started in this direction, let's crack open the door on masculinity and examine what you must know and understand to successfully engage a man.

Do you know what drives a man? Your man? Any man? Can you name the engine under the hood of his life that powers his get-up-and-go? I can.

It's called
performance.

Performance is the force behind every aspect of a man's life. It's why men are consumed with winning, conquering, producing, and succeeding. Michelangelo spoke for all men when he said, “It is only well with me when I have a chisel in my hand.” Men are life's ultimate action figures. As a woman, that's important for you to know. But what's even more important is for you
to grasp that a man's whole sense of personhood and well-being centers on his performance. That cannot be stated strongly enough. George Gilder, a keen observer of social science, put it this way: “Manhood at the most basic level can be validated and expressed only in action… . Men must perform.”
²

When I was young, an oil company used to advertise its product with this slogan: “It's performance that counts.” That, I believe, is the slogan of men everywhere. This performance mind-set drives everything men do. It's the reason men are reluctant to stop and ask for directions. To do so is to admit, “I haven't performed well. I've failed. I didn't cut it.” A college biology teacher once asked his class the following question: “Why, in the reproductive process, does the female offer only one egg while the male offers millions upon millions of sperm?” A coed raised her hand and said, “Because those guys won't ask for directions either.” She's probably right. It goes that deep! That's why men would rather drive on, hoping to get it right rather than pull over and ask for help.

In every area of life, men continually ask themselves,
Did I come through? Did I perform well?
That's a man's basic life question, and believe it or not, you as a woman play a crucial role in the way he answers that.

Yes,
you.

In the classic fairy tale
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
, a wicked witch repeatedly asks her magic mirror this familiar question: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?” Of course, she did not get the answer she wanted. The witch's torment was that the mirror regularly reminded her of her second-class status to Snow White. Eventually, that negative reflection drove her to murder.

Men have mirrors too. And these mirrors possess a tremendous power that can either affirm or undo them. Most men have
two such mirrors; Christian men have three. As they stand before each of them, they pose a question similar to that of the witch: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, am I doing any good at all?” In other words, “Am I doing the ultimate masculine activity—performing, delivering, coming through?” If his mirrors affirm him, a man feels good about himself. He powers up. But if these mirrors frown on him and reflect failure, disappointment, and shame, this loss will unleash in him the same frustration, anger, and humiliation the witch felt. Problem is, this is no fairy tale. This is real life, and what he sees in these mirrors has an impact on more lives than only his own.

So what are these three mirrors? For two-mirrored men, they are the woman in his life and his work. Christian men look into a third mirror as well: the Word of God. Each of these mirrors offers its own unique reflection of a man's daily performance. The workplace mirror reflects the value of a man's skills and his performance in using those skills. The Word of God mirrors something much deeper. It reflects to him the thoughts, secrets, and motivations of his heart (Heb. 4:12).

Then there's you.

You are a man's most personal mirror. In your eyes, face, and responses he receives an evaluation of his life in ways that are deeply important to him. In you, he sees and feels his life's worth most intensely. If you are wise, you will often reflect back to your man his best traits and accomplishments. And in tough times, when he's had failures, your reflection of belief in him will help him believe in himself again and not give up. The helper title Genesis gives you refers not only to what you do, but also to what you reflect. Positive reflections build up and empower a man. Conversely, show a man his failures daily, and he may eventually let his best self go for the dark side. To have his shortcomings rehearsed in your mirror on a consistent basis may cause him to
lose his masculine will altogether. In the harsh glare of your criticism, it will whither. The truth is, your man will often become what you reflect back to him. Your mirror is
that
powerful.

Remember, performance is what drives a man. Therefore, never take your man's accomplishments or efforts for granted. Celebrate his victories. Even embellish them. In hard times major on the best in him. Encourage him in such moments by expressing your belief in him and his abilities. Fear of failure often holds a man back from trying. That's why your belief in him is so important. It helps him to believe in himself and go for it. In a man's world it's performance that counts. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, am I any good at all?” What are you answering back to your man?

In 1 Peter 3:7, the apostle gives husbands this command, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way … since she is a woman.” What wise advice that is! I tell men all the time that no man “speaks woman” naturally. It's an acquired language. It takes research, investigation, practice, and a big dose of humility to learn it.

But look again at 1 Peter 3:7, and you'll notice something there for you too. See it? It's found in the words
in the same way.
Though Peter is passionately exhorting men to acquire an understanding of women, “in the same way” reminds you that Peter has just said the same thing to women; that is, women need to work to understand men too, because men and women will always be alien beings to one another. It's the first principle of male-female relationships.

In this light you can never study the opposite sex enough. And a good place to begin your education is by mastering a man's key needs. This is absolutely fundamental to your success with a
man. Do you know what those key needs are? Let me give you what I believe are a man's top four.

1. Men need admiration and respect.
When I do premarital counseling with a couple, I ask them to read Ephesians 5, in which Paul spells out the marital responsibilities of husbands and wives. After they finish reading, I ask the young man to tell me what one word stood out to him in this text as his chief assignment in the marriage bond. Rarely does any man miss the obvious answer. “To love my wife,” he says. Often after he answers, the bride-to-be smiles approvingly and grabs his hand. I then tell the young man, “Never stop telling your wife you love her. Those are the words she longs to hear—always.”

Then I turn to the young woman and ask, “And, of course, your chief assignment is to love your husband, right?” Most often her reflex answer is, “Yes, of course.” Then I ask her, “Where did Paul say that?” I usually sit quietly and let her poke back over Paul's words for a minute to find this command. But she won't find it because it's not there.

Why? Because the deepest need of a man in marriage is not to be loved by his wife but to be admired and respected. That's why Paul concluded Ephesians 5 with these words, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (v. 33).

This is “Man 101” here, ladies. What love is to you, respect is to him. In your world “I love you” means everything. But on his planet the best thing he can hear is “I'm proud of you.” Those words are the best “I love you” a man can get. And every time you praise your man in this way, you're speaking affirmation, strength, and satisfaction into the core of his masculinity, especially when you do it publicly. To say to him, “I'm so proud of you” in front of others … well, for a man, it just doesn't get much better than that. Nothing beats being admired.

2. A man needs your support in his work and dreams.
Daniel Levinson's mammoth research work,
Seasons of a Man's Life
, revealed that the typical man marries a woman who he thinks will nourish his life vision and help him fulfill his life's work. Levinson also found that if a wife fails to do this or loses interest in what her husband does, the marriage relationship eventually becomes troubled. Why? Because men need their wives to stand with them in their work. They need their wives to identify with, appreciate, and value the work that defines their lives.

This support is particularly important in times of change, when a man thinks his best shot at success is to change jobs or career paths or take some risky shot at a better life. At such times the support of his wife is crucial. No, he doesn't need you to mindlessly submit to his daring ideas. That could wreck you both. On the other hand, he doesn't need you to dig in your heels out of instinctive resistance merely because it stirs up your insecurities. Rather than blind obedience or emotional stubbornness, what he needs is your wisdom, strength, and encouragement to think outside the box. Help him evaluate. He doesn't need you to always agree with him, but he does need you to always believe in him.

According to Levinson's research, a lot of men consider a risky career move in their late twenties or early thirties. That was certainly true for me. In my first job after seminary, I co-pastored a church in Tucson, Arizona. I had a wonderful time there serving a great group of people. During my stay the church experienced significant growth; we hired a number of new staff and built a wonderful facility. It was all coming together.

But then I got a call from old college friends back in Little Rock. They had recently started a new church and were renting space in a small private school. Actually, they were conducting
their services in the school's unair-conditioned gym. My buddies asked me to consider moving to Little Rock to be their pastor. There were no guarantees. The pay was minimal. But my leadership opportunities would be significantly broadened to allow me to try some of the new and unconventional things I had dreamed of doing as a church leader.

I discussed this opportunity with Sherard, who at the time was pregnant with our second child and had just finished decorating our new home. I explained to her that the salary they were offering me would not be enough for us to buy a home in Little Rock. We would have to rent instead. I also told her that this new church had no facilities; it was meeting in a sweatbox—literally. “It's a huge risk to go,” I said, “but this church has dreams like ours and offers greater opportunity for me to use my leadership gifts.”

I will never forget what happened next. After a brief pause, she smiled and said, “Robert, you can do it. Let's go.”

And we did. Together. Her support and encouragement gave me the boost I needed to take this flying leap that has now defined my life more than any other. As I write, I have had twenty-seven wonderful years at Fellowship Bible Church. Great things have happened. But it all started with a supportive wife.

There is one other area in which a man needs a woman's support. It's in the area of dreaming. Yes, dreaming. Men spend a tremendous amount of energy contemplating what else they could do with their lives. They constantly think,
Where is the best place for me? A
big asset to them is having a woman they can think out loud with about these things. You need to know this dream talk is often nothing more than merely that: talk. But it is still very important to a man. It helps him to process and coordinate his life, measure its value as well as its possibilities. The woman who lives with her husband in an understanding way knows this. She sees the value in being his sounding board. Some women, on the
other hand, are confused and perplexed by a man's dreaming. It can scare them.

Listen to what one woman said in a newspaper article I read years ago:

My husband is a nut. He'll sit around after supper and talk about how we should pick up and move to Alaska. If we both work, we'll have a real stake in the future in five or six years. We will spend all night talking about it and figuring out how we will manage. Will he go up there first and look for a job and a place to live? Or should we both go and hope for the best?

A week later, he'll be sitting around talking about how he ought to be taking a couple of courses at the university towards his master's degree. It would make a big difference in his chances of getting ahead in his company.

What do you do with a man like that?

Does your man bounce around like that when he dreams out loud? Even now I do that with Sherard. Men love to open their hearts to their women and dream about other possibilities … that is, if it's safe. If a man's dreaming out loud is met with reactions like “That's crazy” or “You've got to be kidding,” he'll shut down. Maybe forever. And that's a loss for both of you. So let your man dream with you. Support him with probing questions like “Why would you want to do that? Would that really be the best option for you?” Or you can affirm him by saying, “You could do that, and you would be good at it.” Enter his dreams, and he'll love you for it.