The New Dare to Discipline (9 page)

Note: This plan is described almost exactly as it appeared in the original
Dare to Discipline.
Since then, I’ve heard many success stories and a few complaints. The most common negative comments have come from parents who said the task of keeping track of such a complex accounting system is burdensome every night. It takes fifteen or twenty minutes to put up the stars and measure out the pennies. If that is a concern in your family I would suggest that fewer goals be charted. Selecting even five important behaviors and rewarding them with three to five cents each would do the job just as well.
Make
the system work for you,
modifying the concept as needed. I assure you, however, it
will
work if properly applied.

If this kind of reinforcement is so successful, why has it not been used more widely? Unfortunately, many adults are reluctant to utilize rewards because they view them as a source of bribery. One of our most successful teaching devices is ignored because of a philosophical misunderstanding. Our entire society is established on a system of reinforcement, yet we don’t want to apply it where it is needed most: with young children. As adults, we go to work each day and receive a pay check on Friday. Is that bribery by the employer? Medals are given to brave soldiers; plaques are awarded to successful businessmen; watches are presented to retiring employees. Rewards make responsible effort worthwhile. That’s the way the adult world works.

The main reason for the overwhelming success of capitalism is that hard work and personal discipline are rewarded in many ways. The great weakness of socialism is the absence of reinforcement; why should a man struggle to achieve if there is nothing special to be gained? This is, I believe, the primary reason communism failed miserably in the former Soviet Union and Eastern Europe. There was no incentive for creativity and “sweat equity.”

I heard of a college chemistry course where the hardest working student in the class, Brains McGuffey, spent many long hours preparing for the first examination. The day of the test, he scored 90 points and earned a solid A. Another student, Ralph Ripoff, rarely ever cracked a book. He took the big exam without any preparation and earned a whopping 50 points for his effort. An “F” was recorded in the grade book.

However, the professor was a staunch believer in socialistic principles. He was disturbed that Brains had 20 points more than he really needed to pass, and Ralph was 20 points short. This didn’t seem fair to the good doctor. Thus the points were redistributed and both students passed with a gentleman’s “C.” But . . . Brains never studied for another chemistry exam. Do you blame him?

Communism and Socialism are
destroyers
of motivation, because they penalize creativity and effort. They reward mediocrity and slovenliness. The law of reinforcement is violated by the very nature of those economic systems. Free enterprise works hand in hand with human nature.

Some parents implement a miniature system of socialism at home. Their children’s wants and desires are provided by the “State,” and are not linked to diligence or discipline in any way. However, they expect little Juan and René to carry responsibility simply because it is noble for them to do so. They want them to learn and sweat for the sheer joy of personal accomplishment. Most are not going to buy it.

Consider the alternative approach to the “bribery” I’ve recommended. How are you going to get your five-year-old to perform the behaviors listed on the chart? The most frequently used substitutes are nagging, complaining, begging, screaming, threatening, and punishing. The mother who objects to the use of rewards may also go to bed each evening with a headache, vowing to have no more children. She doesn’t like to accentuate materialism in this manner, yet later she may
give
money to her child. Since her youngster never handles his own cash, he doesn’t learn how to save it or spend it wisely. The toys she buys him are purchased with her money, and he values them less. But most important, he is not learning the self-discipline and personal responsibility that are possible through the careful reinforcement of that behavior.

Admittedly, there are tasks that a child should do because he is a member of the family. Washing the dishes or carrying out the trash may be expected and not reinforced. I agree that rewards should not be offered for every task done at home. But when you want your children to go above and beyond that base, such as cleaning the garage, or if you want to reinforce a better attitude, there is a more efficient approach then nagging and threatening!

Still, the concept remains controversial. I watched the application of these contrasting viewpoints in two actual home situations. Daren’s parents were philosophically opposed to the reinforcement that they called bribes. Consequently, he was not rewarded (paid) for his efforts around the home. Daren hated his work because there was no personal gain involved in the effort; it was something to be tolerated.

When he had to mow the lawn on Saturday, he would drag himself out to the disaster area and gaze with unfocused eyes at the depressing task before him. As might be expected, he did a miserably poor job because he was absolutely devoid of motivation. This sloppiness bought a tongue-lashing from his dad, which hardly made the experience a pleasant one. Dar-en’s parents were not stingy with him. They supplied his needs and even gave him some spending money. When the State Fair came to town, they would provide money for him to spend. Because their gifts were not linked to his responsible efforts, the money provided no source of motivation. Daren grew up hating to work; his parents had inadvertently reinforced his irresponsibility.

Brian’s parents took a different view. They felt that he should be paid for the tasks that went beyond his regular household duties. He was not rewarded for carrying out the trash or straightening his room, but he received money for painting the fence on Saturday. This hourly wage was a respectable amount, comparable to what he
could
earn outside the family. Brian loved his work. He’d get up in the morning and attack the weeds in his backyard. He would count his money and work and look at his watch and work and count his money. At times he rushed home from school to get in an hour or two before dark. He opened his own bank account and was very careful about how he surrendered his hard-earned cash. Brian enjoyed great status in his neighborhood because he always had money in his pocket. He didn’t spend it very often, but he could have done so at any given moment. That was power! At one point he drew all of his money out of the bank and asked for the total amount in new one dollar bills. He then stacked his twenty-eight bills in his top dresser drawer, and displayed them casually to Daren and his other penniless friends. Work and responsibility were the keys to this status, and he learned a good measure of both.

Brian’s parents were careful never to give him a cent. They bought his clothes and necessities, but he purchased his own toys and personal indulgences. From an economic point of view, they spent no more money than did Daren’s mom and dad; they merely linked each penny to the behavior they desired. I believe their approach was the more productive of the two.

As implied before, it is very important to know when to use rewards and when to resort to punishment. It is not recommended that rewards be utilized when the child has challenged the authority of the parent. For example, mom may say, “Pick up your toys, Lisa, because friends are coming over,” and Lisa refuses to do so. It is a mistake for mom then to offer a piece of candy if Lisa will comply with her request. She would actually be rewarding her defiance.

If there is still confusion about how to respond in this kind of direct conflict, I suggest the reader take another look at chapters 1 to 4 of this book. Rewards should not be used as a substitute for authority; reward and punishment each has its place in child management, and reversals bring unfortunate results.

2.
Rewards need not be material in nature.
When my daughter was three years of age, I began to teach her some pre-reading skills, including the alphabet. In those days, I worried less about nutrition than I do now, and I often used bits of chocolate candy as my reinforcement. Late one afternoon I was sitting on the floor drilling Danae on several new letters when a tremendous crash shook the house. The whole family rushed outside to see what had happened and observed that a teenager had wrecked his car in our quiet residential neighborhood. The boy was not badly hurt, but his automobile was upside-down in the street. We sprayed the smoldering car with water to keep the dripping gas from igniting and made the necessary phone call to the police. It was not until the excitement began to lessen that we realized our daughter had not followed us out of the house.

I returned to the den, where I found her elbow-deep in the two-pound bag of candy I had left behind. She had put at least a quarter-pound of chocolate into her mouth, and most of the remainder was distributed around her chin, nose, and forehead. When she saw me coming, she managed to jam another handful into her chipmunk cheeks. From this experience, I learned one of the limitations of using material, or at least edible, reinforcement.

Anything
that is considered desirable to an individual can serve as reinforcement for his behavior. The most obvious rewards for animals are those which satisfy physical needs, although humans are further motivated to resolve their psychological needs. Some children, for example, would rather receive a sincere word of praise than a ten dollar bill, particularly if the adult approval is expressed in front of other children. Children and adults of all ages seek constant satisfaction of their emotional needs, including the desire for love, social acceptance, and self-respect. Additionally, they hope to find excitement, intellectual stimulation, entertainment, and pleasure.

Most children and adults are keenly interested in what their associates think and say. As a result, verbal reinforcement can be the strongest motivator of human behavior. Consider the tremendous impact of the following comments:

“Here comes Phil—the ugliest guy in school.”

“Louise is so stupid! She never knows the right answer in class.”

“Joe will strike out. He always does.”

These unkind words burn like acid to the children they describe, causing them to modify future behavior. Phil may become quiet, withdrawn, and easily embarrassed. Louise will probably display even less interest in her schoolwork than before, appearing lazy to her teachers. Joe may give up baseball and other athletic endeavors.

It happened to me, in fact. I have always thought of myself as a “jock,” playing various sports through the years. I lettered in college tennis all four years and captained the team when I was a senior. However, I never had much interest in baseball . . . and for good reason. When I was in the third grade, I stood in right field one day with the bases loaded. The entire third grade class . . . including many girls . . . had turned out to watch the big game, and everything was on the line. The batter slugged a routine fly ball in my direction, which inexplicably went through my fingers and straight to the ground. I picked up the ball in my embarrassment and threw it to the umpire. He stepped aside and let it roll for fifty yards. I can still hear the runner’s feet pounding toward home plate. I can still hear the girls laughing. I can still feel my hot face out there in right field. I walked off the field that day and gave up a brilliant baseball career.

We adults are equally sensitive to the idle comments of our peers. It is often humorous to observe how vulnerable we are to the casual remarks of our friends (and even our enemies). “You’ve gained a few pounds, haven’t you, Martha?” Martha may choose to ignore the comment for the moment, but she will spend fifteen minutes before the mirror that evening and start an diet program the next morning.

“Ralph is about your age, Pete; I’d say he is forty-six or forty-eight years old.” Pete is only thirty-nine, and the blood drains from his face; the new concern over his appearance may be instrumental in his decision to purchase a hairpiece the following month. Our hearing apparatus is more attuned to this kind of personal evaluation than any other subject, and our sense of self-respect and worthiness emerge largely from these unintentional messages.

Verbal reinforcement should permeate the entire parent-child relationship. Too often our parental instruction consists of a million “don’ts” which are jammed down the child’s throat. We should spend more time rewarding him for the behavior we desire, even if our “reward” is nothing more than a sincere compliment. Remembering the child’s need for self-esteem and acceptance, the wise parents can satisfy those important longings while using them to teach valued concepts and behavior. A few examples may be helpful:

It is unwise for a parent to compliment the child for behavior she does not admire. If everything the child does earns him a big hug and a pat on the back, Mom’s approval gradually becomes meaningless. Specific behavior warranting genuine compliments can be found if it is sought, even in the most mischievous youngster.

Well, let’s pause for a few relevant questions and answers, and then return to the next chapter to some additional thoughts about the law of reinforcement.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q
Can rewards be employed in a church or Sunday school
program?