The New Dare to Discipline (10 page)

A
I have seen reinforcement utilized with great effectiveness in a Christian Sunday school. Instead of earning money, children accumulated “talents” which resemble toy money of various denominations. (The concept of talents was taken from Jesus’ parable in Matthew 25:15.) The children earned talents by memorizing Scripture verses, being punctual on Sunday morning, having perfect attendance, bringing a visitor, and so on. This system of currency was then used to obtain new items from those on display in a glass case. Bibles, pens, books, puzzles, and other religious or educational prizes were available for selection.

The children’s division blossomed in the church where this system was employed. However, some people may oppose this materialistic program in a church setting, and that is a matter for individual evaluation.

Q
Must I brag on my child all day for every little thing he
does? Isn’t it possible to create a spoiled brat by telling him his
every move is wonderful?

A
Yes, inflationary praise is unwise. As I mentioned in an earlier book, Junior quickly catches on to your verbal game and your words then lose their meaning. It is helpful, therefore, to distinguish between the concepts of
flattery
and
praise
.

Flattery is unearned. It is what Grandma says when she comes for a visit: “Oh, look at my beautiful little girl! You’re getting prettier each day. I’ll bet you’ll have to beat the boys off with a club when you get to be a teenager!” Or, “My, what a smart boy you are.” Flattery occurs when you heap compliments upon the child for something he does not achieve.

Praise, on the other hand, is used to reinforce positive, constructive behavior. It should be highly specific rather than general. “You’ve been a good boy . . . ” is unsatisfactory. “I like the way you kept your room clean today,” is better. Parents should always watch for opportunities to offer genuine, well-deserved praise to their children, while avoiding empty flattery.
¹

Q
Should a parent try to force a child to eat?

A
No. In fact, the dinner table is one potential battlefield where a parent can easily get ambushed. You can’t win there! A strong-willed child is like a good military general who constantly seeks an advantageous place to take on the enemy. He need look no farther. Of all the common points of conflict between generations . . . bedtime, hair, clothes, schoolwork, etc., the advantages at the table are all in the child’s favor! Three times a day, a very tiny child can simply refuse to open his mouth. No amount of coercing can make him eat what he doesn’t want to eat.

I remember one three-year-old who was determined not to eat his green peas, and a father who had made up his mind the squishy little vegetables were going down. It was a classic confrontation between the irresistible force and an immoveable object. Neither would yield. After an hour of haranguing, threatening, cajoling and sweating, the father had not achieved his goal. The tearful toddler sat with a forkload of peas pointed ominously at his sealed lips.

Finally, through sheer intimidation, the dad managed to get one bite of peas in place. But the lad wouldn’t swallow them. I don’t know everything that went on afterwards, but the mother told me they had no choice but to put the child to bed with the peas still in his mouth. They were amazed at the strength of his will.

The next morning, the mother found a little pile of mushy peas where they had been expelled at the foot of the bed! Score one for Junior, none for Dad. Tell me in what other arena a thirty-five-pound child could whip a two-hundred-pound man?

Not every toddler is this tough, of course. But
many
of them will gladly do battle over food. It is their ideal power game. Talk to any experienced parent or grandparent and they will tell you this is true. The sad thing is that these conflicts are unnecessary. Children will eat as much as they need if you keep them from indulging in the wrong stuff. They will not starve. I promise!

The way to deal with a poor eater is to set good food before him. If he claims to not be hungry, wrap the plate, put it in the refrigerator and send him cheerfully on his way. He’ll be back in a few hours. God has put a funny little feeling in his tummy that says, “gimme food!” When this occurs,
do not
put sweets, snacks or confectionery food in front of him. Simply retrieve the earlier meal, warm it up and serve it again. If he protests, send him out to play again. Even if twelve hours or more goes by, continue this procedure until food . . . all food . . . begins to look and smell wonderful. From that time forward, the battle over the dinner table should be history. (For a tape discussing this procedure, contact Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 35500, Colorado Springs, CO, 80935-3550, and ask for the interview entitled, “A Pediatrician’s Advice on Discipline.”)

A
The principles of reinforcement are particularly useful with teenagers, because such rewards appeal to youngsters during this typically self-centered time of life. However, laziness is an unavoidable fact of life with many adolescents. Their lack of industriousness and general apathy has a physiological origin. Their energy during early adolescence is be ing redirected into rapid growth. Also, glandular changes require a physical readjustment. For several years they may want to sleep until noon and drag themselves around until it comes time to do something that suits their fancy. If
any
system will succeed in charging their sluggish batteries, it will probably involve an incentive of some variety. The following three steps can be followed in implementing a system of reinforcement with a sixteen-year-old:

1.
Decide what is important to the youngster for use as an
incentive.
Two hours with the family car on date night is worth the world to most newly licensed drivers. (This could be the most expensive incentive in history if the young driver is a bit shaky behind the wheel.) An allowance is another easily available source of motivation, as described above. Teenagers have a great need for cold cash today. A routine date with Helen Highschool might cost twenty dollars or more—in some cases
far
more. Yet another incentive may involve a fashionable article of clothing which would not ordinarily be within your teen’s budget. Offering him or her a means of obtaining such luxuries is a happy alternative to the whining, crying, begging, complaining, and pestering that might occur otherwise. Mom says, “Sure you can have the ski sweater, but you’ll have to earn it.” Once an acceptable motivator is agreed upon, the second step can be implemented.

2.
Formalize the agreement.
A contract is an excellent means of settling on a common goal. Once an agreement has been written, it is signed by the parent and teen. The contract may include a point system which enables your teenager to meet the goal in a reasonable time period. If you can’t agree on the point values, you could allow for binding arbitration from an outside party. Let’s examine a sample agreement in which Marshall wants a compact disc player, but his birthday is ten months away and he’s flat broke. The cost of the player is approximately $150. His father agrees to buy the device if Marshall earns 10,000 points over the next six to ten weeks doing various tasks. Many of these opportunities are outlined in advance, but the list can be lengthened as other possibilities become apparent:

While the principles are almost universally effective, the method of application must be varied. With a little imagination, you can create a list of chores and point values that work in your family. It’s important to note that points can be gained for cooperation and lost for resistance. Disagreeable and unreasonable behavior can be penalized 50 points or more. (However, penalties must be imposed fairly and rarely or the entire system will crumble). Also, bonus points can be awarded for behavior that is particularly commendable.

3.
Establish a method to provide immediate rewards.
Remember that prompt reinforcement achieves the best results. This is necessary to sustain teens’ interest as they move toward the ultimate goal. A thermometer-type chart can be constructed, with the point scale listed down the side. At the top is the 10,000-point mark, beside a picture of a compact disc player or other prize. Each evening, the daily points are totalled and the red portion of the thermometer is extended upward. Steady, short-term progress might earn Marshall a bonus of some sort—perhaps a CD of his favorite musician or a special privilege. If he changes his mind about what he wishes to buy, the points can be diverted to another purchase. For example, 5,000 points is 50 percent of 10,000 and would be worth $75 toward another purchase. However, do not give your child the reward if he does not earn it. That would eliminate future uses of reinforcement. Likewise, do not deny or postpone the goal once it is earned. The system described above is not in concrete. It should be adapted to the age and maturity of the adolescent. One youngster would be insulted by an approach that would thrill another.

We’ll turn our attention now to the remaining three principles, beginning with this:

3.
Almost any behavior that is learned through reinforcement
can be eliminated if the reward is withheld long enough.

It is an established fact that unreinforced behavior will eventually disappear. This process, called
extinction
by psychologists, can be very useful to parents and teachers who want to alter the behavior of children.

Again, the animal world provides many interesting examples of extinction. For example, the walleyed pike is a large fish with a big appetite for minnows. If placed in a tank of water with its small prey, the pike will soon be in the tank alone. However, an interesting thing occurs when a plate of glass is slipped into the tank, separating the pike from the minnows. The pike cannot see the glass and hits it solidly in pursuit of its dinner. Again and again it will swim into the glass, bumping whatever one calls the front end of a walleyed pike. Clearly, behavior is
not
being reinforced, and, thus, is extinguished gradually.

Eventually, the pike gives up. It has learned that the minnows are not available. The glass can then be taken from the tank, allowing the minnows to swim around their mortal enemy in perfect safety. The pike will not try to eat them. It knows what it knows: They are unreachable. Amazingly, the walleyed pike will actually starve to death while its favorite food casually swims right past its mouth.

Extinction is also utilized to restrain elephants in a circus. When the elephant is young, its foot is chained to a large, immovable cement block. The animal will pull repeatedly against the barrier without success, thereby extinguishing its escape behavior. Later, a small rope attached to a fragile stake from which a dog could break free will be sufficient to restrain the powerful pachyderm. Again, the beast knows what it knows!

Let me say it once more: Children are human and unlike the animal world in most respects. But the principle of extinction is applicable to kids, as well. To eliminate an undesirable behavior in a child, one must identify and then withhold the critical reinforcement. Let’s apply this concept to a common childhood problem. Why does a child whine instead of speaking in a normal voice? Because the parent has reinforced whining! When three-year-old Karen speaks in her usual voice, her mom is too busy to listen. Actually, Karen babbles all day long, so her mother tunes out most of her verbiage. But when Karen speaks in a grating, irritating, obnoxious tone, Mom turns to see what’s wrong. Karen’s whining brings results; her normal voice does not. And so she becomes a whiner.

To extinguish the whining, one must simply reverse the reinforcement. Mom should begin by saying, “I can’t hear you because you’re whining, Karen. I have funny ears. They just can’t hear whining.” After this message has been communicated for a day or two, Mom should ignore all moan-tones. On the other hand, she should offer immediate attention to a request made in a normal voice.

If this control of reinforcement is applied properly, it
will
achieve the desired results. Nearly all learning is based on this principle, and the consequences are certain and predictable. Of course, Grandma and Uncle Albert may continue to reinforce the behavior you are trying to extinguish, and thereby keep it alive. So teamwork is a must, especially between parents.

Extinction is not only a tool for use in a deliberate training program. It also happens accidentally at times. Consider the case of four-year-old Mark. His mother and father were concerned about his temper tantrums, especially since he habitually threw them when his parents least wanted him to misbehave. For example, when guests were visiting in their home, he would explode just before bedtime. The same outbursts occurred in restaurants, church services, and other public places.

Mark’s parents were no strangers to discipline, and they tried every approach on their little rebel. They spanked him, stood him in the corner, sent him to bed early, and shamed and scolded him. Nothing worked. The temper tantrums continued regularly.

Then one evening Mark’s parents were both reading a newspaper in their living room. They had said something that angered their son, and he fell on the floor in a rage. He screamed and whacked his head on the carpet, kicking and flailing his small arms. They were totally exasperated at that point and didn’t know what to do, so they did nothing. They continued reading the paper in stony silence, which was the last thing the little tornado expected. He got up, looked at his father, and fell down for Act Two. Again his parents made no response. By this time they were glancing at one another knowingly and watching junior with curiosity. Again, Mark’s tantrum stopped abruptly. He approached his mother, shook her arm, then collapsed for Act Three. They continued ignoring him. His response? This child felt so silly flapping and crying on the floor that he never threw another tantrum.

Now it can be told: The illustration cited above was included in the first edition of
Dare to Discipline
, back in 1970. It is time now to reveal that Mark was not the real name of that child. It was Jim. Alas,
I
was the brat in the story. And I can tell you, it’s no fun staging a performance if the crowd won’t come!

It is clear that the reinforcement for my tantrums was parental manipulation. Through violent behavior, I had gotten those big, powerful adults upset and distraught. I must have loved it. With most children, tantrums are a form of challenging behavior that can be eliminated by one or more appropriate spankings. For a few like me, however, something else was going on. Like a pyromaniac, I enjoyed seeing how much commotion I could precipitate. That, in itself, was my reward.

Although my parents extinguished this negative behavior in one episode, it usually takes much longer. It is important to understand the typical rate at which a characteristic will disappear without reinforcement.

Consider again the example of the pigeon checking radio parts, mentioned in the previous chapter. Initially, the bird missed all the defective components, and only gradually recognized a higher percentage. As illustrated in Figure A, the pigeon eventually identified 100 percent of the parts, and continued with perfect accuracy while the reinforcement (grain) was paid for each success.

Suppose the reinforcement was then withheld. The pigeon would continue to intercept the broken parts with perfect accuracy, but not for long. Soon he would begin to miss a few bad components. If he continued to work for nothing, he would become more and more distracted and disinterested in his task. By the end of the day, he would miss all or most of the defective parts.

However, the following day, he would again go to work as before.
Even though the behavior is extinguished one day, it will
likely return the next.
This reawakening is called “spontaneous recovery.” Each day, the behavior returns as illustrated in Figure B. But the accuracy is less and the daily extinction occurs more quickly than the day before.

This principle is important in extinguishing undesirable behavior in children. A parent or teacher should not become discouraged if an extinguished behavior reappears. Its complete elimination may require considerable time.

The principle of extinction has helped many people break bad habits. One such system is designed for those who want to quit smoking. It is based on eliminating the pleasantness (reinforcement) usually produced by inhaling cigarette smoke. To do this, a tube filled with very stale, concentrated tobacco smoke is aimed at the smoker’s face. Whenever the individual takes a puff from his cigarette, he is shot in the face with the putrid smoke from the tube. The smoker begins to associate cigarettes with the foul blast in his face, and by this means sometimes develops a strong dislike for smoking. Unfortunately, nicotine is one of the most addictive narcotics known, and the chemical impact is extremely difficult to overcome.

Extinction can also help children overcome some of their unnecessary fears. I once consulted with a mother who was very concerned about her three-year-old daughter’s fear of the dark. Despite the use of a night light and leaving the bedroom door open, little Marla was afraid to stay in her room alone. She insisted that her mother sit with her until she went to sleep each evening, which was extremely time-consuming and inconvenient. If Marla happened to awaken in the night, she would call for help. It was apparent that she was genuinely frightened.

Fears such as these are not innate: they have been learned. If parents truly realized this, they would be more careful about what they say and how they act. The fact is, youngsters are amazingly perceptive and often adopt the behaviors and concerns they see in adults. Even good-natured teasing can produce problems for a child. If a youngster walks into a dark room and is pounced upon from behind the door, he quickly learns that the dark is not always empty!

In Marla’s case, it was unclear where she learned to fear the dark, but I believe her mother inadvertently magnified the problem. In her concern for her daughter, she conveyed anxiety, and Marla began to think her own fears must be justified. “Even mother is worried about it,” she undoubtedly reasoned. Marla became so frightened that she could not walk through a dimly lit room without an escort. It was at this point that she was referred to me.

Since it is usually unfruitful to try to talk children out of their fears, I suggested that the mother
show
Marla there was nothing to be afraid of. That would help the child perceive her mother as being confident and unthreatened. So she bought a bag of candy (okay, okay . . . I would use pieces of the popular rolled-up fruit today) and placed her chair just outside Marla’s bedroom door. Marla was then offered a piece of candy if she spent a few seconds in her bedroom with the light on and door shut. This first step was not very threatening, and Marla enjoyed the game. It was repeated several times, and then she was asked to walk several feet into the darkened room while her mother, clearly visible in the hall, counted to ten. This was also easy, and Marla continued playing along for the bits of candy.

On subsequent trips, the door was shut a few inches more and the lights were lowered. Finally, Marla had the courage to enter the dark room and shut the door while her mother counted to three—then five—then eight. The time in the dark was gradually lengthened, and instead of producing fear it produced candy: ultimate pleasure to a small child. She also heard her mother talking confidently and quietly, and knew she could come out whenever she wished. Through these means, courage was reinforced and fear extinguished.

Like the kind of reward you choose, the uses of extinction are limited only by the imagination and creativity of the parent or teacher. Try it in various settings. With a little practice and patience, you will see for yourself that one of the best methods of changing a behavior is to withhold reinforcement while rewarding its replacement.

Moving ahead, the fourth principle of getting the most from the miracle tool is:

4.
Parents and teachers are also vulnerable to reinforcement.
Reinforcement is not only the mechanism by which
children
and
animals
learn new behavior. Adults also modify their behavior according to the positive and negative feedback they receive. Inevitably children sometimes train their parents, rather than the reverse, by reinforcing certain behaviors and extinguishing others.

For example, when Mom and Dad take their children to some exciting place, such as Disneyland, the youngsters put on their best behavior. They may be sweet and cooperative—an unsubtle attempt to reinforce or reward their parents’ action. In extreme cases, I have seen children adeptly manipulate their parents to get what they want or the behavior they prefer.