The New Bottoming Book (2 page)

Standard mythology would have you believe that a bottom is a passive, disempowered, self-destructive, needy, whining wimp. We hope you will refrain from believing these things about yourself. We suggest that you see yourself as a full-power bottom.

Are You Really Powerless? Most of us in our everyday lives struggle constantly with power, striving to empower ourselves, and to protect ourselves from being overpowered. We are always working to find, increase and express our power.

In S/M, in contrast, we play with power for the fun of it - pulling its fangs to turn it into an exciting, erotic experience instead of a serious high-stakes struggle.

S/M has been described as "power games for fun rather than profit." Playing with power offers not only a relief from the tedious battle for power we're stuck with in the so-called "real" world, but also a way to learn and explore

by trying out new and different experiences of power and powerlessness.

In order to play with power safely, it helps to understand the concept of "power-with" as differentiated from "power-over." Most of our culture's systems run on power-over, with sexism, racism and militarism being some ugly examples.

Power-over means that a person sees his or her power as the ability to control others, and thus always sees this power as relative, either greater or lesser than other people's power. People who operate on power-over see the world as a series of hierarchies which rhey must ascend. Power-over social structures tend to keep people struggling in a position of constant insecurity, as there are always people with more power in some arena or other.

An extreme example of the sexual mythology of power-over can be seen in prison sex, where the person who penetrates is believed to gain power, while the person who gets penetrated is believed to lose power and become degraded. Similarly, in traditional sex roles, many people believe that the man's ability to penetrate confers power, while the woman who gets penetrated is seen as losing power. (Janet's reaction when confronted with this belief: "Oh, you mean like when an electrical plug penetrates a wall socket?...")

The mechanism of power-over lies in the belief that I can increase my power by taking some of yours. The way I get to feel big is to make you feel small, and the way I get to feel secure is to make you feel insecure. (Sound like anybody you know? Janet says it sounds like her ex-boss.) Power-over is achieved by belittling others.

The sad thing about power-over is that it doesn't work. I cannot build a solid foundation of internal security, self-esteem and empowerment by stealing yours.

Power-with is based on the idea that we can all become more powerful by supporting each other in being more powerful. We, your authors, like this idea. We are eroticized to power, so we want you to be powerful because that turns us on, and we want to play with your power. We want you to be turned on to our power too: after all, it doesn't take much of a top to take down a wimp.

Do You Really Have No Choice? The truth is that you are always making choices, whether you admit it or not. Just as no one can actually magically steal your power, your power is always with you whether you want it or not.

As a bottom, it can be very sexy to believe that you have no choices. "Poor me! Forced to endure all this intense sensation, turned on against my will!" To keep this fantasy hot and safe, it is important that we understand that it is a fantasy, and if it is not hot any more, or safe, or feeling okay, then we do have a choice. We can stop the scene, we can ask for something different, we can tell our playmate about the problem we are having. In a

worst-case scenario, we can choose a different playmate.

Dossie remembers a scene that strongly highlighted the contrast between fantasy and reality:

The fantasy was that I was tied in the tyrant's bed, available to be fucked at any time against my will. My friend the tyrant indeed did wake me up at four in the morning, as per my request, and fucked me. The problem was, I was exhausted and quite sore from earlier activities, and could not get turned on. I kept turning my mind back to the fantasy of nonconsent, frantically hunting for my turn-on somewhere in there. But this time, in my sleepy state, I convinced myself that I really had no choice, and that this was nonconsensual (all this time my poor friend is dutifully plugging away) and I became genuinely scared. My perceptive tyrant figured out that something was wrong and stopped, and comforted me with good grace, and was also very gracious about not completing the fuck till morning. I got very embarrassed, and got to learn yet one more time that even the hottest fantasy may not play as well in reality as it does in my mind.

Are You Really Passive? We never have liked that word passive — we prefer to think of bottoming as "receptive." Bottoms as a class are not a passive lot in their lives, as you could see at any social event where you would find out that borroms might be lawyers, doctors, therapists, corporate executives, police officers, entrepreneurs and other high-powered types. Many of the support groups and organizations in the S/M community in San Francisco and elsewhere were founded and are run by bottoms.

Most tops are uncomfortable with bottoms who are excessively passive. Janet, in her Lady Green top persona, occasionally gets letters from men who proudly claim "I am a wimp." Her response: "Oooh, makes me dry." Behind the sarcasm lies a very real discomfort with the idea of taking power from the powerless, and for the unsatisfying scenes that would undoubtedly ensue: why climb an anthill when the world is full of beautiful mountains?

In terms of planning a scene, bottoms very quickly learn that tops cannot read our minds, and that if we want to get our needs met anci have our dreams come true, we had better learn how to take an active part in designing and realizing a scene. Bottoms who do not learn this lesson often get very frustrated and wonder why they cant get their needs met. Failing to tell your partner about your needs is also a set-up for finding yourself in a scene you may hate now or regret tomorrow.

Even within the scene, bottoms may be rebellious, resistant, sexually aggressive, loudmouth (or even switch: many bottoms, like Dossie, are excellent tops). Active or interactive bottoms are actually quite popular. Passive bottoms who give little feedback to their tops may leave their tops feeling insecure and clueless: such scenes, while possible, are particularly demanding for the dominant. Thus, on those rare occasions when we get to act very passive in a scene, it feels like a precious luxury.

Do You Really Have No Limits? Good bottoms know their limits, and can communicate them clearly. This is not only a right, it is a responsibility.

There are always limits, whether you state them or not. There are limits of physical safety, limits of understanding, and the all-important limits of what does or does not turn you on. If you haven't already figured out what your limits are, later on we'll explain more about how to find them.

Janet was once involved in a discussion with a woman who was a slave in a full-time master-and-slave relationship:

She told me, "No, I really have no power, I really have no limits. Whatever my master wants is OK with me." I proposed, "Suppose your master woke up tomorrow morning and told you, 'I'm tired of this S/M stuff. From now on, we're only going to have gentle, consensual, egalitarian vanilla sex.'" There was a long pause. Finally, sheepishly, she answered, "You win. I'd be out of there in a minute."

Pretending to play without limits, in our experience, tends to produce less intense scenes, as without a clear understanding of the bottom's limits tops most often wind up doing much less than the bottom can enjoy, just to be on the safe side.

Accepting your limits is about accepting yourself. If the power exchange of S/M consists of giving your considerable power to a top, or giving your self over, then limits are about the parts of yourself, or your reactions, that are beyond your control (like ticklishness) and thus beyond yo ur ability to offer. You can still give all you have to give of yourself to that wonderful person who wants to take all of you that she can get.

The common thread that seems to run through this section is that fantasy is not reality. Good players learn to handle reality first and use it as a foundation on which to build really hot fantasies. When you confuse fantasies with reality, you distance yourself from your power. Since S/M players eroticize power, you, as a bottom, must bring your power along or you have none to share.

The origins of our deepest urges toward BDSM, and the most profound of the roles we like to play, do not come from the responsible and adult part of us. The archetypes and emotions we explore arise from our primitive, uncivilized and shadowy parts. This is why the boundary between fantasy and reality is most important to understand and accept, so we can play in psychological as well as physical safety. And as we play deeper, this boundary can get blurred, and our play can seem more "real" than reality. So how do we establish boundaries for emotional safety?

It helps to be conscious of the boundary between "scene space" or "in the game" and out. We arrange to deal with reality outside of scene space so that we can enjoy the fantastic within it. You can even use the tension between fantasy and reality to heighten the excitement — often the heat is where the friction is.

How Real Is the Role? There is some difference of opinion within the BDSM world about choices between temporary and full-time roles. In some communities, rigid hierarchies are observed and full-time roles are the norm — tops in particular never bottom. It is very difficult to stay in role all the time, and such tops sometimes complain of getting tired and wanting some relief. It is equally difficult to bottom all the time, especially if nobody is topping you.

In other communities, roles are mostly dropped outside a scene, with some light roles assumed for purposes of flirtation, humor, and comfort. Many players switch roles with facility. Inevitably, some confusion and arguments arise as to when the players are in role and when they are not, which role they are in, or what they do when they both want to bottom or top at the same time.

You will hear a lot of judgments and criticism between these approaches: some folks proclaim that people who drop roles are not "real" tops or bottoms, while others complain about the rigid and oppressive quality of their communities. We believe that you can do good play from either position, or anywhere in between, as long as you are willing to be flexible and tolerant, and willing to support each other at those times when the "rules" don't give you an answer to a difficulty you are having, and you need to stumble around by trial and error until you find your own solution.

Rule # 1 of S/M: The rules don't work every time.

Thinking With Your Head And Your Gonads. The reason we cannot make rules that will protect us every time, or tell where the boundary should be in every situation, is that the desires we play with are not rational. The desire you may have to be utterly bottom, to be operated by and operated on by another, to be very small, to be owned: this desire is not reasonable. It is, however, powerful, and even the best bottoms have many a desperate argument with themselves on the subject of lust versus sanity.

Janet remembers:

I did a scene once in which I'd gone under very deeply although my usual bottoming style is "powerful masochist," in this scene I'd gone into a very submissive, dependent, passive state of mind. When the scene was over, I began to cry uncontrollably. My partner was afraid he'd done something wrong, that I was angry, but when he got me to talk, all I could say was "I didn't want to come back."

Similarly, when we top we often need to rein in the part of us that wants to be godlike, and that becomes annoyed when our bottoms have the audacity to fail to enjoy what we have so graciously deigned to do to them!

We bottom in order to go to places within ourselves and with our partners that we cannot get to without a top. To explore these spaces, we need someone to push us over the edge in the right ways, and to keep us safe while we're out there flying.

The games we play have the power to bypass our customary psychological defenses, giving us access to amazing experiences and awarenesses. For emotional safety, we establish ways to take care of each other while we are defenseless. Bottom power comes from the gut-level realization that you deserve respect for your vulnerability, and care and support from those who take you down... and thus get to ride along with you on your journey.

Writing New Rules. What makes S/M work at all is that, in order to play, we intentionally alter the customary rules of personal responsibility, and enter into a ritualized codependency. The ritual is what makes it possible, and safe, to travel in the uncharted psychological territory of bottom space. Janet says:

When I teach my classes for novice tops, I say: "Normally, you have a 'bubble' of protectiveness you put around yourself to prevent yourself from being physically or emotionally hurt. When you agree to top someone, you've

just agreed to put that bubble around you and your partner for the duration of the scene."

Time and experience usually make tops and bottoms better at operating these boundaries — so if you're feeling desperately confused right now, don't worry, it'll undoubtedly get easier soon. Experienced players become adept at dropping out of role or scene space to take care of a bit of troublesome reality, and equally skilled at dropping right back in to continue having fun. A ritual - say, putting on and taking off a collar - can serve to define the rules of play and the boundaries between you. Many different rituals will serve your purpose. Don't worry about which ritual is "correct," but look for the rituals that work for you.

We have both found that experience has enabled us to explore more deeply and profoundly, playing roles that involve going down into very primitive parts of ourselves. The deeper the play, the more risky - and rewarding - it can be.

In its finest form, S/M is a form of psychodrama with tremendous possibilities for self-knowledge and transformation, which is why some players say that S and M stand for sex magic. We must remember that this is a very powerful form of magic, worthy of our greatest respect.