The New Bottoming Book (9 page)

We have met other players who like to fight it out to see who will top and who will bottom in a ritual of dominance with no predetermined winner. All you need to know then is what are the accepted forms of struggle and what is below the belt (or maybe outside the belt, since below the belt is exactly where you may want to get...)

Forbidden Thrills: Some people don't want things all clean and nice. Their notion of a good bottom space is feeling dirty, nasty, naughry, beyond the pale - breaking the rules. They want to preserve the sense of doing what you're not supposed to and enjoy the guilty thrill: guilt and shame are, after all, more sexy emotions to be explored. Some enter into the forbidden with the script of finding a passion there that is cleansing, and that washes away shame. For others, its more fun to just get dirty.

Punishment: Some bottoms find a keen delight in being treated as the naughty child, or adult, and punished for real or imagined crimes. The state of mind is one of expiation, and perhaps another form of catharsis: a person of authority, our top, has seen our sins, found us sexy, and purged our errors in pain that can transform into ecstasy. It's a very good idea to get clear, before playing with anything that looks like punishment, to decide whether this is "play punishment" for erotic fun, or genuine punishment designed to modify behavior (we discuss both of these activities in more detail in Chapter 10). One of your authors is very turned on by playing with punishment, while it's a serious limit for the other one... so it's clear that even experienced bottoms may have limits in this area, and that going slowly here is advisable.

Archetypes: We will discuss archetypes in more detail later, but for now take a look at who you are in your fantasies: warrior, baby, pleasure slave, captive, kid, cheerful, tearful - all these are archetypal characters, the roles we play in s/m. The better you understand what role you are playing, the easier it is to arrange for everyone to play along with you. All you need to keep things clear is to figure out who you are when you are in scene space.

Confusion can arise when a bottom falls into a role in the middle of a scene and doesn't really have a clear idea of what that role is. In the middle of an intense pain scene which included being drawn on with the tip of a sharp knife, Janet once startled and annoyed her top by asking, "I like elephants - will you draw me an elephant, please?" It was only later that the two of them realized that the intensity of the painplay had brought out a kid persona, who jus: happened to love animals of all kinds and especially elephants.

Sensation. Oooh, let I not forget sensation, lots and lots of it. S/M features an enormous range of sensation, from the gently sensual to the acutely intense, with an abundance of possibilities in between. Many of us describe ourselves as stimulus junkies — we don't see that as a pathological addiction, but rather as an extraordinary capacity to experience and enjoy a huge range of sensation. Play can transform sensations: small sensations become huge when we eroticize them, a blindfold can turn a feather touch into an ecstasy of suspense.

Sensational!

So many fabulous rewards to choose from! As you continue your journey as a bottom, you may find new ones, or discover that a form of play you didn't think appealed to you has suddenly come to seem very desirable indeed. Stay open to new possibilities and you may be in for some wonderful surprises.

G rooming Yourself, Physically and Mentally. Any scene actually begins before you are even in the presence of your top. Before you play, you will usually spend some time showering, bathing, dressing, preparing a space if you are playing in your home, and (of course!) fantasizing: your authors once did a scene that got started almost an hour late because Janet was so busy fantasizing that she drove right past the freeway off-ramp to Dossie's house. This is the time when you prepare to present yourself as a valuable gift to the lucky person who has a date with you.

Now is the time to do some relaxation, remember your deep breathing, maybe put music and candles in the bathroom while you relax in a long soak. Now is the time to get grounded, centered, to get in touch with your own power. You can think about what you want to communicate, use your fantasies as rehearsal for the encounter to come. Investing some time and energy in preparation will also begin to excite you, so you can greet your partner in the attractive flush that comes from thinking filthy thoughts. Don't forget these preparations even when you're getting ready for a session with your life partner - Dossie, as a therapist, is constantly reminding couples who live together to take the time to prepare for their encounters as they did when they were dating... a great way to revive the spirit of honeymoon lust.

As you gain experience in preparing yourself for play, you will probably begin to discover certain thoughts and activities that are particularly helpful in preparing you, physically and mentally, for the adventures to come. You might like to moisturize your skin cxtra-carefully to make it supple and resilient, or to do a series of yoga stretches to prepare yourself for challenging bondage. We know one male bottom who conditions his beard before play so it will be soft and pleasing to his mistress's feet. Extra attention applied to cleaning sensitive parts of your body will bring rewards of turn-on as well as hygiene.

And what gets your mind ready for play? Is there a particular piece of music you like to listen to that helps get you into a lovely bottomy state? Is there a fantasy you like to review in your head to help get your juices running? A piece of literature you might like to read? A mantra you can repeat, out loud or in your mind? Or would you like to simply kneel for a while in a quiet spot, breathing calmly and centering yourself? Whatever works for you to get yourself revved up, turned on and ready to play, now's a good time to do it.

This is also the time for you to pump up your pride in yourself and the gift you give your top. You needn't be rich, or have expensive clothes, or be young and thin to be terrifically attractive. Good grooming, a little creative drag from the thrift store, a proud posture and a happy expression send out the right message and make you gorgeous - we promise!

On Your Mark... Get Set... Go! So here you arc in the dungeon, the playroom, the bedroom or wherever. Your top may start the scene by touching you, hugging you, blindfolding you, tying you up, collaring you, throwing you to the floor and tearing your clothes off... the possibilities are infinite, and you'll learn more about as many of them as we can imagine in the next chapter.

The initiative belongs to the top - so what is your responsibility? Your responsibility is to respond: to get turned on and to make sure your top knows you're turned on.

One of the myths we encounter is rhar yon have ro be turned on before you start playing. If we believed that, we wouldn't get to play very much. Remember in the last chapter when we told you to spend part of your negotiation time telling your top what turns you on, and finding out what turns him on? Well, here's where both of you get to use that information.

We've found it's often easier to get turned on with physical sensation than to try to launch right into emotional or roleplayed mental stimulation. Many people like to begin a scene with having their top place a collar around their neck, with appropriate ritual and, perhaps, a few prearranged words from one or both of you about what the collaring means to you. Sexual players might enjoy having necks kissed or sucked, ears nibbled, nipples pinched. A light flogging works to get a lot of people turned on; so does getting tied up. With practice, you may be able to learn to breathe yourself into an altered state.

Atmosphere is important, too. It's tough to get turned on if the room is cold or if there's a bright light shining in your eyes (unless you're planning an interrogation scene). Make sure that distractions have been minimized - the phone ringer is off, the pets arc locked out, any visual clutter has been cleared away. If you have a favorite piece of music, especially if its one that you've come to associate with play, now is a good time to put it on - Janet can get turned on just listening to the Velvet Undergrounds "Venus In Furs".

A lot of people run into obstacles when they try to get into role - they may feel self-conscious in the beginning,

before they start to feel turned on. We suggest that you act as though you were turned on, because you'll probably find that you convince yourself. So whimper and moan, breathe heavily, play your role (one of our friends loves to use the phrase "This is so scary!"). At first, while you're searching for your turn-on, this may feel awkward and phony. But then a miracle can happen: if you start by playacting an appropriate response, perhaps even dramatizing your responses a bit, you will probably start to get a little turned on, and so will your top. The more excited you both get, the more real the scene will seem, and the more naturally you will respond... and before you know it you're both part of a full-blown reality.

Remember - now is not the time to judge yourself. There are no critics in this audience; when you and your top are both turned on, you're a superstar!

Closure. Alas, even the hottest scene must eventually come to an end. The best answer to the question "When do you end the scene?" is "When either partner wants to."

If you're really enjoying yourself as a bottom, you may get to what Dossie calls "The Forever Place," where you feel that you want to keep on doing this forever and ever and ever. A good top gives you some warning when the scene is drawing to a close, so you can start gradually withdrawing from The Forever Place and getting ready to come back into the real world. An excellent way to bring a flagellation, for example, to an end is for the top to announce "Pick a number from one to ten (or fifty, or a hundred)." Then you know you're going to get that many strokes of the greatest intensity you can possibly take, so get ready for the big climax!

The scene isn't over when the action stops, either. It can take quite a while for both partners to decompress and be ready to deal with reality. Don't try too soon after a scene to do tasks that take concentration and focus, or to do detailed post-scene negotiations - whether you know it or not, you're probably still a little spacey and a little bit in role.

It's a good idea to learn what your decompression pattern looks like so you can tell your top what to expect: Dossie says "I sometimes get a little hyper, I want to talk, not sleep, but I'm really kind of stupid and I can't remember which goes on first, my stockings or my shoes"; Janet says, "I get verbal again right away - sometimes even making puns or jokes or acting a little smart-assed - and tops think I'm back, but I'm not; I'm emotionally very fragile."

Closure is not a chore (except the picking-up-the-toys part). It's an invaluable time for intimacy and closeness, part of :he scene's rewards for both people. Your boundaries arc down and it's going to take a while for them to come back up — why not relax and enjoy it?

Here are some of the ways we like to close and decompress:

• Having sex or an orgasm
  

• Taking a nice hot bubble bath
  

• Being put into a flannel nightie or PJs and tucked in - with the top there to cuddle us
  

• Doing something to get back up into our heads, like going to a movie (only somebody else better drive!). Janet remembers:
  

  I'd done a submissive scene at a Saturday night party that put me way under. My top had me sleep in my collar, and I woke up the next morning still deeper than the lost continent of Atlantis. I served him breakfast and sat on the floor at his feet reading the newspaper... and somewhere in the middle of the Datebook section I drifted back up, thought "Hey, wait a minute, this is me" and wanted the collar off right away.
  

• Having something to eat or drink together (Janet is notorious for craving donuts and milk after a scene)
  

• Moving around or doing something, like taking a walk together
  

• Curling up for a snuggle to savor the connection
  

Later. After you're both pretty sure you're back to your day-to-day selves, you might want to talk briefly about the scene - what worked for you, what didn't, what you'd like to try next time. But we suggest you leave the detailed discussion for the following day, when you're one hundred percent yourself again.

Even if the scene went badly, try not to be judgmental or harsh in discussing it with your top: it's virtually certain that she was doing her best. Be constructive, and be sure to talk about those aspects of the scene that did work for you. And don't forget to express your appreciation and affection.

Remember, topping, like bottoming, entails a significant emotional risk. One good reason to try topping, if you can, is so you can experience firsthand the vulnerable feeling it entails. We once heard of a therapist who explained, "the subconscious doesn't understand consensuality." Your top is engaging in activities that at some level are scary and guilt-producing - a harsh or critical judgment from you can be devastating. If you want to criticize, do so gently, and use a lot of "I" and "me' statements: not "the clamps were awful," but "the clamps didn't work for me."

Good tops can hear feedback, and good bottoms can offer it without blaming or guilt-tripping. Work constructively with your top toward figuring out what can be improved - so you can have an even better, hotter scene next time.

When the Game Is Over. Doing BDSM can be so fulfilling, so magical, so extraordinary that we hate to see our scene end. The desire to stay in role or to go on experiencing these marvelous sensations can be so compelling that we feel anger toward the partners, or toward the pressing real-world issues, that make us need to stop and go back into our day-to-day personas.

Remember, tops may have a "Forever Place" too. The feeling of being invulnerable, in control, impervious, is very compelling. Help your top stay flexible enough to come out of role by making sure that he is sure of your friendship and affection even when he shows vulnerability: tops sometimes worry that you re only interested in their top persona and not in their real-world persona.