The 'N' Word, Book 1 (29 page)

But her emotions danced, and danced some more. She didn’t hate Aaron… Rather, she loved him very much, and felt sorry for him, too. Not in a pitiful sort of way, but in a, ‘I wish I could take your pain away’ kind of way.

“Aaron.” She sat a bit straighter, ready to get down to business, to the damn nitty gritty of the matter. “I want to discuss with you your affiliations with that group, the White Nationalists.”

“I figured you would… but will you make a promise?”

“A promise in regard to what?”

“That you won’ t hog up the entire conversation with that sort of thing? We don’t have much time; if we did, I’d talk to you about it for as long as you wanted but there are some things I want to say to you, let you know.”

“…You may not want to say them after I get finished.”

…And there was that easy, lazy chuckle of his again.

“Really? You sound so serious… not delicate, light and sweet… You about to hand my ass to me, baby?”

“…Can’t be sweet all the time, Mr. Pike. After all, the truth ain’t always pretty, isn’t that right?” She smirked as a wave of frenzied rage raced within her once more. She felt damn near out of her mind, jumping from love to animosity and back again, rendering her own self dizzy.

“I suppose so… Yeah, that’s right, Ms. Weber. So please, I give you the floor. Have at it…”

The words he said almost sounded like a challenge, even a threat of sorts. She cleared her throat and pounced!

“First of all, it is an
ugly
thing that you’ve done, do you hear me?! I want you to hear my voice loud and clear, Mr. Pike. I need you to listen to every word that comes out of my mouth.

“You.

“Hurt.

“People!”

“Well, isn’t this something? Melissa, now, I’d applauded you beforehand for keepin’ your wits about yourself, but it seems as if you may have had a change of heart. That’s not uncommon for liberals. Maybe someone got to you, put some crazy, half-cooked ideas in your head, doesn’t matter. I’m
not
going to argue with you, do you understand me?” His tone grew icy, stone cold to the damn touch. “I hope I make myself
perfectly
damn clear, Ms. Weber. Now, you get that uppity tone out your throat, say whatever it is you need to say to me, but you just watch how the hell you say it.”

“Watch how I say it?”

“You heard me.”

“Oh, I heard you all right. I had to stop myself from tellin’ you to kiss my ass, Mr. Pike! Oops! I just said it! Don’t try to get off the topic, trying to steer me in another direction. I know where you’re drivin’, and you just passed my stop! You done went too far. I’d like to let you know that it’s people like
you
that are destroying this country. Is that watchful enough for you, Aaron Pike, huh? Uppity enough, too? I would hate to cut any corners. If you can dish that crap out you better be able to taste your own shit and like it while it’s goin’ down! And you are the one that better watch what
YOU
say to
ME
! You might be king in
there
, but ain’t nothin’ over here!”

“Hello? Melissa the white, bleeding heart liberal, is that you?” He laughed. “Whhhhew! Hot-blooded woman! Ya got to cussin’ and everything! Probably all red in the damn face, aint you, Angel? My, my, my, my, my…you’re makin’ me lose my hard-on for ya, sweetheart. Now, here is the thing. I warned you once. Don’t make me do it twice. I need—”

“Shut up! This isn’t about you anymore and what
you
want and need. It’s about the fact that someone I care about, someone I
love
, is doing these nasty, hateful, awful things without as much as a thought!”

“Nasty and hateful? Really?”

“Yes,
really
! It’s ugly! It’s evil! I am completely disgusted by this! And I care about you, just like I said. That makes it all the worse, Aaron.”

“I care about you too, sweetness…”

She paused, uncertain where all the hostility had come from. Yes, he’d pissed her off with his testosterone driven threats, but she went in for the kill… She’d spent so much time preparing, telling herself she’d simply talk to him sensibly, keep her cool, and it was all going to Hell in a gasoline soaked hand basket. He’d ruined
every
thing! The dreams she was creating for the two of them, the feelings she was having for the man – all destroyed once he proclaimed a hate group as his very own.

“You’re not remorseful, are you? Not in the damn least!”

“Remorseful for
what
?”

“For being involved in something like this!”

“You know, you are awfully passionate about this, Melissa. Is your best friend a ni… a black person?”

“Mr. Pike, have you ever actually sat down and had a long conversation with a black person before?”

The man drew quiet. Suddenly, his arrogance could no longer be felt frolicking through the phone call. It had several seats…

“You haven’t, have you?”

“No one was timing it… but it didn’t go on for too long. I’ve spent time around them though. I know what they are and how they operate.”

“Walking around people like some usher at church handin’ out fans and actually sitting down having heart to heart, meaningful conversations with them are two totally different things. I challenge you, Mr. Pike, to talk to a black inmate, there at Holman. I challenge you to have a real conversation, one with some depth…learn something for a change.”

“You challenge me, huh? Well Melissa, I
do
love a challenge… What’s my prize if I win?” She couldn’t see the bastard, but she was certain he was wearing a devilish grin.

“Some damn self-respect. That’s what you win, Mr. Pike! A heart with the capacity to love and see beyond the tiny world you’ve confined yourself to.”

“You’re a feisty little thing, aren’t you?” He laughed. “Still all amped up. You got a real smart mouth. Don’t worry, I forgive you.”

“Wasn’t going to lose not one damn wink of sleep over it either way.”

“I love it!” He cackled. “What are you like in bed, Melissa, huh? Are you feisty in there, too?”

“You don’t deserve to have this conversation with me.”

“Do you scream ’nd fight? Do you move your beautiful, soft body real slow and sensual against your lover or just lie back kind of submissive and take it?”

“You will never know.”

“Oh come on, give me a itty bitty nibble, baby…” And then, it was confirmed. She could hear his wicked smile through the phone. The bastard wasn’t taking a damn word of it seriously, so, she did what any woman in her position would do. She ignored the moisture between her thighs and colored him a damn fool.

“I tell you what, Melissa. I will sit down and have a talk with a black man here, okay?”

She said nothing – simply looked out the window, her lips twisted, and the anger inside her continuing to grow.

“I promise. If it will make you feel better, I’ll do just that.”

“Why are you willing to do this for me, Aaron?”

After a long pause, he answered. “…Because I love you, darlin’ and something tells me you’re worth it.”

“I am, but this is for
you
… way more than it is for me.”

“Nothing is goin’ to change, but I’ll do it, just like I said.”

“You’re going into it all wrong.” She sighed and closed her eyes in pure exasperation. “It looks as if we have ten minutes left.”

“Yeah, we do. Look.” He cleared his throat. “I need you to keep those letters coming… the poems, your memories, things like that. I need you to keep sharing with me, and I need to be able to share with you. So, if me sittin’ down and talkin’ to a black man will help you in some way, I’ll do it. If you think it’ll help me, too, then I’ll give it a try. You mean somethin’ to me, Melissa. You’re not a crush to me. You got my whole goddamn heart, woman.”

“What am I to you, Aaron?”

“…Every piece of calm I’ve ever had, rolled into one. You’re the reason I push myself to keep goin’, ’cause I have to see you and in order to see you, I gotta get out of here, ’specially since you won’t come to visit me.”

She took a deep breath and looked helplessly back out the window.

“I don’t want to see you locked up. When we meet, I want you to be free,” she lied, hating that she had to do it, but she had no other choice.

“I know I have to win your love, and it’s hard, Melissa, because… well, a big part of who I am you don’t appreciate too much.”

“That’s just the thing though, Aaron. I don’t believe it’s a big part of you. I don’t believe that at all.” She fidgeted in her seat. “Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part. Maybe I’m just a fool… but no matter what, you make me want to help you.”

“I don’t want to be your charity case, Melissa.” An air of sadness lingered in his tone.

“You’re not, well, maybe a little bit of you is. I can’t deny that is not completely out of the equation. A bigger part is the fact that you mean something to me, and I can see greatness in you… wonderful, beautiful, greatness. I gravitate towards you. I want to be a part of the good stuff within you, Aaron…and there’s so much of it.”

“Goddamn it, you make me love you so hard, baby. I want you in my life…”

“And I want to be in it. All that energy you use to do the stuff you do – do you know how incredible you’d be if you poured that into more positive expressions and work? I’ve never come across anyone like you in my life… I
know
that you are one in a million. These problems you have, they can be fixed.”

“I don’t think I need to be fixed.”

“We
all
need to be fixed, Aaron, in one way or another.”

He offered nothing for another moment or two.

“Some people are sayin’ I do…you know, needin’ fixed.” He cleared his throat, as if suddenly uncomfortable.

“And now, you are second guessing it?”

“I might be… I don’t know. My therapist said something to me that kinda hit home one time.”

“What?”

“He said that uh, he said that I know something is wrong with me.”

“You do… I know you do, Aaron.”

“Yeah, you’re right, sweetheart… you’re right.”

She hung her head, fought back the damn tears; another brick in his wall had been removed. The false bravado was slowly melting away, exposing the little boy lost in the woods… looking for Daddy, looking for Mama, looking to be found and loved on hard…

…He’s still lost.

“I hated that he said that to me, but it was true. I’ve
always
known something wasn’t right with me, Melissa. Not lack of control, nothin’ like that. It was something else. Something ugly, hard, and just plain wicked… I didn’t expect to be talking to you about this. It don’t exactly put me in a good light. I wanted to discuss other stuff, flirt, have you describe what you cooked last night to me – that’s almost better than porn.”

She grinned into the phone.

“You
are
flirting with me, by talking just like this. You just don’t know it.”

“Hmmm, I like how you talk, Melissa… my angel… You’re different. You don’t write like everybody else, don’t sound like everyone else, either. You lost your cool though; it happens. You don’t like what’s been goin’ on… you had the right to tell me. I can’t be mad about that. You’ve got talent, you’re helpful, loving – you made it too damn hard to not fall for you.”

She raised her hand in the air, looked at it from various angles and pretended she was touching his face, running her palm down the side of his hard jaw, making that beast of a man melt, and leaving the
true
Aaron alone and behind for her to embrace, care for, and love on…

“I figured loving myself, my race, was a good way to approach it, to try and fight that ugliness inside. Pride… if I didn’t have anything else, I had my pride, you know? Pride is tricky though. It helps sometimes, keeps you strong. At other times, it makes you weak. I’m at a crossroads… I think that’s why I’ve been holding on for so long; I got too much to lose. But baby, if I don’t reexamine myself and finish this process, I won’t gain anything new, either. It’s…it’s just not working anymore. I’ve been through a lot, Melissa…”

“I know that you have. I can feel it, hear it in your words on paper, too…”

“You have me sayin’ shit on this phone I’ve never said to anybody… have me writing things I’ve never written, either. Do you know that I hadn’t written a poem in damn near fifteen years? After we started talking, I got back to writing them again. You inspired me… I feel like I’m going against everything right now, but I’m so afraid of losing you. I don’t want to lose you; you mean too much to me.”

“Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, Aaron.”

“I’m not… I’m tellin’ you what I was afraid to tell myself…”

He exhaled loudly, and she did the same. Then, they used up a moment of time, a silent minute cashed in for the sake of solace. Perhaps it had been spent unwisely, or maybe it was well expended.

“Our time is almost up. When can I talk to you again, baby?”

“Whenever you want.” She smiled into the phone, feeling a flush of heat take over her face as ‘school girl’ butterflies jumped around in her gut. “Just let me know in advance, and I’ll make it happen.”

“I could talk to you all day, for hours, and never get tired. I want to be able to look into your golden eyes, soon. We got the same color eyes I bet.”

Not quite. Yours are much lighter…

But she kept the thoughts to herself.

“Maybe.” She crossed her legs, feeling the wetness increasing second by second.

“You know what I dreamed about the other night?”

“What?”

“Makin’ love to you… It was just perfect, baby. I got outta here, and I drove up the long driveway you told me you have, in my old pickup truck. I could hear the rocks ’nd such crunchin’ under my tires. I slowed a bit, took a look at your mailbox with your last name written across it in crooked, white painted letters: ‘Weber.’”

She leaned back in her seat, feeling a surge of discomfort as he stole her out of her zone for a spell, brought her untruths back into the forefront. “And then what else, honey?”

“I looked at it, and imagined my own name bein’ on that box, too… right next to yours. And then I pulled up a bit closer to your house. You described it so well in your letters, took so much pride in it that I can see it so clearly in my mind, sweetness. Anyway, I park my truck. And I get out, close my door with my hip and try to not make a big ruckus ’cause I want to surprise you.”