The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (28 page)

Safer Sex and Sexual Health

Even with the medical advances that have been made in treating
AIDS
recently, sexually transmitted diseases are here to stay. For this reason it is worth mentioning briefly the topic of safer sex. In addition, sexual health can dramatically affect the frequency and satisfaction of your lovemaking. It is difficult to focus on the heights of pleasure when you are worrying about or experiencing pain, so please take a moment to read this section.

Safer sex precautions are recommended for all new couples. Condoms should be used for intercourse or fellatio (see “The Art of Condoms”). Dental dams should be used for cunnilingus and latex gloves for vaginal or anal stimulation.

Simple office testing is available for
HIV
, hepatitis B and C, syphilis, gon-orrhea, and chlamydia. Keep in mind that it may take up to six months after
HIV
infection for a person to test positive. You should use safer sex precautions for six months after a possible exposure and then be retested. If both tests are negative, there is little reason to worry as long as both partners are monogamous.

Certain
STD
s, such as herpes and the human papillomavirus (
HPV
), which is responsible for genital warts, can be transmitted by skin contact, with or without a condom. Both herpes and
HPV
are extremely common (occurring in 25 percent and 50 percent of the young adult population respectively). They are embarrassing but not usually dangerous and can be medically treated. Keep your lovemaking healing by being tested and taking safer sex precautions.

With non-ejaculatory sex there is less risk of exchanging bodily fluids. While this does not reduce the risk of contracting other sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes or
HPV
, it does reduce the risk of contracting
HIV
and hepatitis, which are transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids. By not ejaculating, the man does not transfer as much bodily fluid to his partner. Also, by not ejaculating he does not draw in as much of her bodily fluid. A man’s penis is a little like a turkey baster. When he ejaculates, he creates a low-pressure vacuum that can then draw in fluid from his partner. While non-ejaculatory sex decreases the exchange of bodily fluids, thereby making all sex safer, it is not truly “safer sex” unless you use a condom.

THE ART OF CONDOMS

1. THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE: Always use a condom before vaginal or anal intercourse, unless you and your partner have been tested for sexually transmitted diseases (
   STD
   s) and are monogamous.
   

2. GOOD NEWS & BAD NEWS: The good news about condoms is that the decreased sensitivity that most men experience can help them control their urge to ejaculate. The bad news about condoms is that they do decrease sensitivity for most men. Some men actually have difficulty keeping an erection while wearing a condom. If this happens, the man or his partner should keep stroking his genitals while he puts on the condom. Putting a small amount of lubricant on his penis before putting on the condom will increase his sensitivity without causing the condom to slip off.
   

3. ORAL SEX: Always use a condom before the woman performs oral sex. In this case, your partner will probably want to use a “dry” condom, one that is not lubricated.
   

4. GETTING IT ON: Leave half an inch of space at the top of plain-tip condoms. Reservoir-tip condoms are designed to create this space. Make sure that the condom covers the entire penis and smooth the condom to squeeze out any air bubbles. If the man is uncircumcised, he should pull back his foreskin before putting on the condom.
   

5. LUBRICANT: Apply plenty of lubricant to the outside of the condom. (Not enough lubricant is one of the major reasons that condoms break.) Use only water-based lubricants; petroleum-based lubricants and oils can cause latex condoms, dams, or gloves to disintegrate.
   

6. AFTERWARD: After intercourse, withdraw while he is still erect and hold the base of the condom to make sure it does not slip off. Throw away the condom and, especially if the man has ejaculated, wash off his penis or put on a new condom before continuing to caress one another.
   

7. BREAKING: A condom generally slips off or breaks because it wasn’t put on correctly, because sex was “too” vigorous, or because the condom was not held during withdrawal. If the condom breaks or comes off and the man has not ejaculated or if the tear is near the base of the condom, you probably don’t need to worry. Just remove the broken condom and put on a new one. If the condom breaks after ejaculation, safe sex experts recommend that the woman urinate and insert spermicidal foam or jelly into her vagina to help destroy the sperm, viruses, and bacteria. She should leave the spermicide there for at least an hour. If you are concerned about pregnancy, the woman may wish to take the “morning after” pill, which she can obtain from a physician.
   

   It is important to remember that even with non-ejaculatory sex, bodily flu-ids are still being exchanged (remember the pre-ejaculate that you were warned about in sex ed). This is also why non-ejaculatory sex is not a reliable form of birth control. Non-ejaculatory sex will simply make safe sex safer and will make whatever form of birth control you are using that much more effective. However, we want to stress that non-ejaculatory sex should not be relied on as a form of birth control alone.
   

   The Power to Hurt and to Heal
   

   HIV
   and other sexually transmitted diseases are a reminder of a powerful Taoist understanding: lovemaking is a physical and energetic exchange that can profoundly influence the health and well-being of both partners. The sexual revolution did not take into account this exchange, and we have yet to fully realize the extent to which we are influenced by our sexual history. The biochemical and energetic exchange that takes place through our sexual organs has profound physical, emotional, and even spiritual effects on both partners.
   

   While the epidemic spread of
   AIDS
   and other sexually transmitted diseases may be new, the power of sex to heal and to hurt us is not. In our modern society, we tend to see sex in biological and relational terms: as a simple part of relationships between consenting adults. However, the Tao reminds us that sex is a sacred act with the power to bring illness and destruction or to bring healing and the creation of new life. The Tao sees lovemaking in characteristically pragmatic health terms, but it never loses its sense of respect and awe for this source of our life. In the next two chapters we will discuss how to keep lovemaking filled with intimacy and sacredness.
   

   CHAPTER 6
   

    
   

   Making Real Love
   

   In this chapter you will discover:
   

   • The Power of Sex to Intensify Our Emotions, Positively and Negatively
     

   • How to Connect Love and Lust
     

   • How to Cultivate Self-Love and Love for Each Other
     

   • Touch Meditation
     

   • How to Transform Negative Feelings Toward Your Partner with the Inner Smile
     

    
   

   155
   

   The Taoists knew that sexual energy simply expands the energy in your body
   —
   positive or negative.
   

   Sexual energy is like
   fi
   re. Fire can cook your food, or it can burn your house down. It all depends on how it is used. Sexual energy is the same.
   

   Without self-love it is impossible to be a loving partner.
   

   Healing Love not only allows greater sexual pleasure and health; it also leads to the potential for ever-deepening emotional intimacy. We call good sex “lovemaking,” but really making “love” requires an understanding of the power of sexuality to heal—or wound—our heart.
   

   We have said several times that sexual energy simply expands the energy in your body—positive or negative. We have tried to emphasize the need to feel love and to avoid anger. Let’s look at this relationship between sexual energy and emotions more closely and explore what you can do to keep your Healing Love truly loving.
   

   As you learn to practice Healing Love and to expand your sexual energy, it is essential that you cultivate loving-kindness toward yourself and your partner. The exercises in this chapter and the next will help you cultivate love and compassion. As you practice Healing Love, keep in mind that sexual energy is like fire. Fire can cook your food, or it can burn your house down. It all depends on how it is used. Sexual energy is the same.
   

   It is essential that you transform your sexual energy into love and compassion or it can turn to anger and hate. The role of sexual energy in amplifying our emotions helps explain why lovers’ quarrels are always the most explosive and why love and hate are so intimately connected. As you learn to generate more and more life-giving sexual energy, it is important that you connect it with the compassionate energy of your heart. Lust, for Taoists, is a vital part of our life-force energy, but it must be cultivated and connected to our love for our partner.
   

   Cultivating Self-Love
   

   The Taoists said and many psychologists today agree that we can’t really love others until we can love ourselves. But what exactly does it mean to cultivate self-love, and why is it so important for a healthy sex life? First, it should be pointed out that self-love is quite different from egotism or narcissism. It is simply the feeling of love and acceptance of oneself. It is essential for a healthy sex life and love life because without self-love it is impossible to be a loving partner. Having compassion for oneself is essential for having compassion for our partner and for others in our life.
   

   Exer cise 21
   

   CONNECTING LOVE AND LUST
   

   1. Touch your fingertips to your heart in the center of your chest.
      

   2. Smile to your heart and feel it soften, and then imagine it blossoming like a red flower. Feel it fill with love, joy, and compassion for yourself.
      

   3. Keep the fingertips of your left hand touching your heart, and place your right hand on your genitals.
      

   4. Men should feel the energy moving from their genitals up to their heart and from their heart back to their genitals. Women should feel the energy moving from their heart down to their genitals and then back to their heart. (In addition to connecting love and lust, the heart energy, which is like fire, will heat the yin “waters” of her vagina and help her become aroused.)
      

   5. Imagine the times of most intimate lovemaking with your partner or when you are feeling most loving toward your partner. This will allow you to gain access to this Healing Love and to combine your love and lust.
      

    
   

   

   The intimacy of sex can bring up our greatest insecurities about ourselves. Many of us worry about our body and about our attractiveness to our partner. Our body is not perfect, but we assume it should be. Beyond our own lover, we rarely see other bodies that are not airbrushed by the advertising industry. We hold ourselves up to standards that are truly unrealistic and unhelpful to our own self-acceptance. Those who regularly see different people naked, like physicians or massage therapists, know that there are really no perfect bodies and that every body has its own beauty.
   

   Sex also brings up our insecurities about our skills in bed. Since none of us are schooled in the Arts of the Bedchamber, we remain very insecure about our knowledge and our skills. Admitting to ourselves and to our partner that we are all just learning what pleases us and what pleases our partner is the first step to transcending this insecurity. Fear, anxiety, and nervousness are three of the bedfellows most able to sabotage our sex life. A sense of playfulness and even laughter can help to break the bedroom worries and allow us to see that our lover is our playmate and loving companion on the path to sexual satisfaction. The following exercise will help you to connect with your partner and to convey your appreciation and love for her or his unique body. It is a very powerful exercise when one of you is feeling insecure, when you have been apart,
   

   or when you are trying to rebuild trust in your relationship.
   

   Exer cise 22
   

    
   

   

   NINE FLOWERS TOUCH MEDITATION
   

   

   1. LOOK INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES: Sit comfortably facing each other and looking into each other’s eyes.
      

   2. TOUCH YOURSELF: Decide who will go first. If you go first, you should use both hands to touch your own body, generally from head to toe. (Avoid any parts of your body that you do not want your partner to touch, and generally leave your genitals for last.) As you touch each part of your body, feel compassion and acceptance for it.
      

   3. YOUR PARTNER FOLLOWS: Your partner should use his or her hands to follow, lovingly touching each place that you have just touched.
      

      Looking into each other’s eyes is a powerful way to connect and to send Healing Love.
      

   4. SMILE AND SEND LOVE: When you are finished, your partner should smile and send you love and acceptance with his or her eyes. If you wish, the one who has followed can convey his or her love verbally, such as, “This is the body of my beloved,” or “I love every inch of this body.” Focus your comments on your love for your partner and not just on your lust.
      

   5. SWITCH: Then switch roles.
      

   6. EXPLORE YOURSELF: Now together lightly touch your own nipple very gently, using a featherlight touch. Barely touch it. Now spiral from the nipple out around the nipple and circling about a half inch away from the nipple (at the edge of the dark skin or areola). Circle around the nipple eighteen, thirty-six, or more times. You will feel an itchy, aroused feeling as your sexual energy expands.
      

   7. MAKE NINE CIRCLES: Now move down about one-half to one inch and make another circle, as if you are drawing a flower. Continue moving down the body from the nipple to the genitals, making circles about one-half to one inch apart. You are exploring your body and connecting the breast or heart to the genitals. The ninth circle should be at your pubis right above your sexual organs.
      

   8. EXPLORE EACH OTHER: The man should then make nine circles on the woman, and then the woman should do it back to the man.
      

   9. MAKE HEALING LOVE: Now make love however you and your partner wish with your whole bodies and your whole hearts.
      

      This touch meditation requires slowness and patience, which can often be difficult for a man’s rapid sexual response, or, as the Taoists put it, “yang fire.” Men need to learn how to contain their fire and to keep it burning low. As they are able to control their fire, they will avoid burning out their sexual energy too quickly and ejaculating. The man should relax, smile, and draw the energy up. He should focus on igniting the woman’s passion into a roil-ing boil. Once the woman’s desire is boiling, the man’s fire will ignite quickly and both partners will be ready for lovemaking.
      

      Cultivating Love for Each Other
      

      How to cultivate love in a relationship is a profound subject, and we could not possibly summarize it in a few paragraphs. In addition, this is a book about sex more than love, although the Taoists have always known that for profound and healing sex, you can never separate the two.
      

      Emotions like anger and irritation inevitably limit our affection and attraction for our partner. The Taoists recognized that anger and irritation can cre-ate disharmony in the bedroom and in the relationship. They also believed that anger and other negative emotions were toxic to our bodies and health. They strongly recommended avoiding the lovers’ quarrels and fiery con-frontations that characterize many modern relationships. Instead, they recommended the path of gentleness and compassion.
      

      The Tao values humility and flexibility and symbolizes these qualities in water, which always seeks the lowest place and always changes to fit its container. The Taoists also admired the patience and power of water. They noticed that a river, while humble and flexible enough to move around great boulders, would inevitably wear these boulders away in time.
      

      Every relationship will experience the inevitable stresses and strains of partnered life, and each couple will choose their own way to address them. There is a simple exercise that echoes the Taoist qualities of gentleness and compassion and that emulates the complementary relationship of yin and yang. Many couples have used it to help them understand and harmonize with each other.
      

      Each partner takes a turn listening to what is upsetting his or her partner and then repeats what was said. This refocuses us away from our hurt and toward understanding the pain of our partner. It also allows us to know that our partner has heard what is painful for us.
      

      Exer cise 23
      

      LISTENING WITH LOVE
      

      1. HOLD HANDS: Begin by holding hands.
         

      2. LISTEN WITH COMPASSION: Your partner takes a few minutes to explain what is upsetting him or her while you listen quietly. As you lis-ten, smile and let your heart soften and fill with compassion. Try to send loving energy to your partner.
         

      3. REPEAT WHAT YOU HEARD: When your partner is done, you then repeat what you heard. Obviously, you do not need to repeat every word, just the main points. If you did not hear it all, repeat what you heard and invite your partner to tell you again whatever you have missed.
         

      4. EXPRESS YOUR OWN FEELINGS: Then it is your turn to express what is upsetting you. Avoid engaging in an argument or attacking your partner. Simply describe what has been hurtful. It is important to express your hurt without getting defensive and without attacking. Talk about how you feel rather than what your partner has done. The more vulnerable you can be with each other, the more your hearts will open and the more compassionate you will be.
         

       
      

      

      Staying in Touch
      

      Fortunately, our biology can also help us during difficult times. In chapter 4, “Pleasuring Each Other,” we discussed the power of touch to bond and arouse us during times of loving intimacy. Touch is equally important during the difficult times that occur in all relationships. The hormones that are released during touch can have a profound effect on our feelings toward our partner. As Theresa Crenshaw points out, “Withholding touch at a crucial moment can break a relationship. Maintaining continuity of touch during troubled times can save one.”
      1
      

      Touch literally keeps us “in touch” and can decrease our frustrations with and anger toward the other. For this reason, holding hands, which increases oxytocin, can help when discussing difficult topics. This is also part of the value of the Nine Flowers Touch Meditation when you are feeling a need to reconnect with each other’s bodies.
      

      Love Lies Within
      

      Using our hormones can keep us bonded, but love is much more than chemistry. Still, according to the Tao, the secret to love also lies within. People frequently say they are “looking” for love or they have “fallen” in love, as if love were dependent on their partner apart from themselves. We too often look outside ourselves for love rather than nurturing our own source of loving energy. For Taoists, however, love is a physical energy of the heart, not just a mental emotion. They therefore tried to cultivate love within themselves quite independent of their partner.
      

      Cultivating love is a noble goal, but what do we do with all of our negative emotions, like anger and resentment, which are bound to arise in any intimate relationship? Most of us dump our emotions on our partner and others, like we dump our garbage. We scream, we blame, we accuse, we belittle, we withdraw, and then we make up or we break up. It is easy to find fault with our partner or to conclude that something is wrong with the relationship.
      

      With most relationships, Taoists believed, our love for our partner is less dependent on our partner and on the relationship than it is on our own capacity for love. According to the Tao, there is an alternative to either suppressing our emotions or venting them on our partner. We can cultivate them. Instead of dumping our emotional garbage, we recycle it.
      

      The Taoists taught many psychospiritual exercises for recycling negative emotions, but in chapter 3 you learned one of the simplest and most effective: the Inner Smile. Today, Western medicine has shown through many studies that stress has negative effects on the immune system and has confirmed the debilitating effects of so-called toxic emotions, like anger. The Inner Smile is an easy way to cultivate and recycle these toxic emotions.
      

      You can do the Inner Smile discussed in chapter 3 and also recycle your negative emotions through the following exercise. Just as we associate love with the heart (the reason for all those heart-shaped cards on Valentine’s Day), the Taoists associated each emotion with one of our organs. For Taoists, as we mentioned above, our emotions are more than mere mental constructs. They are physical energies that are centered in particular organs, and we can most effectively work with these emotions by working with the energy of these organs.
      

      For the Taoists, love is a physical energy of the heart, not just a mental emotion. They therefore tried to cultivate love within themselves quite independent of their partner.
      

      

      Finding the W ay
      

      Emotional Chart
      POSITIVE EMOTIONS	NEGATIVE EMOTIONS	ORGAN
      Love, Joy, Compassion Openness, Acceptance Courage Gentleness, Calmness Kindness, Generosity	Hatred, Impatience Worry Sadness, Depression Fear Anger, Frustration	Heart Spleen Lungs Kidneys Liver

      If you have a frequent problem with a particular negative emotion like anger, sadness, hate, fear, impatience, arrogance, or worry, you may wish to try the Six Healing Sounds, which help to cultivate and transform particular emotions. An extended discussion of the Inner Smile and the Six Healing Sounds can be found in Mantak Chia’s
      Taoist Ways to Transform Stress into Vitality.
      

      

      For Taoists, our emotions are physical energies centered in particular
      

      organs.
      HEAR
      T
      

      LUNGS
      

      SPLEEN
      

      LIVER
      

      KIDNEYS
      

      Exer cise 24
      

      RECYCLING OUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
      

      1. Touch your
         fi
         ngertips to your heart in the center of your chest.
         

      2. Smile to your heart (smiling with both your mouth and your eyes), and feel it blossoming like a red
         fl
         ower. Feel it
         fi
         ll with love, joy, and compassion for yourself. (If you have dif
         fi
         culty feeling these emotions for yourself, envision a child, parent, grandparent, or friend for whom you feel love, joy, and compassion.)
         

      3. Touch your spleen on your left-hand side under your rib cage, and smile to the spleen and feel openness and acceptance replace worry.
         

      4. Touch your lungs, and feel courage replace sadness and depression.
         

      5. Touch your kidneys (on your back opposite your navel on both sides of the spine), and feel gentleness, calmness, and stillness replace fear and nervousness.
         

      6. Touch the liver on the right-hand side under the rib cage, and feel kindness and generosity replace anger and frustration.
         

      7. Now see your partner
         ’
         s face, and smile and send loving energy to your partner.
         

       
      

      

      Power and Compassion
      

      The Healing Love practices that expand your sexual energy are very powerful. As they expand their sexual energy and learn greater skill in bed, it is quite common for people to develop greater self-confidence in bed. Men especially need to be careful not to let this greater prowess go to their head. Power is about conquest and is the opposite of love. As with any martial art, the real secret of power in Sexual Kung Fu is not ego or hardness but ego-lessness and softness. To practice Healing Love, both men and women need to open their hearts and practice with a spirit of love and humility. Only with this openness of your body and your heart can you truly feel the flow of energy within you and between you and your partner.
      

      PLAYING BY HEART
      

      Remember not to put your practice before your partnership. If any of the Healing Love practices make you feel awkward in bed, you can practice them by yourself until they become natural. Men especially need time to learn how to separate orgasm from ejaculation and how to use their breath and