The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (23 page)

A woman can rest her fingers on her

partner’s as she directs him to the place and pressure she likes best.

While the desire to please one
’
s partner is a noble one, the truth is that everyone is responsible for his

or her own orgasm. We can never give someone an orgasm for the very reason that orgasm takes place in our own brain.

Some people may feel threatened by their lover touching herself or himself during sex. They may feel that it is their role and responsibility to please their partner and feel uncomfortable when that role or responsibility is questioned. While the desire to please one’s partner is a noble one, the truth is that everyone is responsible for his or her own orgasm. We can never give someone an orgasm for the very reason that orgasm takes place in our own brain.

FINGERING

When a man uses his fingers to enter his partner, he can explore her G spot and other sensitive spots with greater precision than he can with his penis. Before entering his partner, a man should linger at her vaginal lips, playing with them and her clitoris until she is very wet and engorged. The more lubricated and engorged she is, the more pleasurable his fingering will be.

If she is not completely lubricated, he can use saliva or oil on his finger as a lubricant or try oral sex (below), which brings its own natural lubrication. Besides saliva, natural oils or water-based lubricants are best. Never use Vaseline or scented oils or lotions, which can irritate the vagina. Remember that oils will break down latex and should not be used with condoms. Whatever you use, lubrication is important. If the woman is dry, a man’s best-intentioned explorations will feel uncomfortable and often painful.

In addition to getting his partner wet, another reason to be slow to enter her is to build anticipation. As mentioned above, yin is slower than yang, and when a man can have a slow hand, he will bring his partner’s desire to a rapid and eager boil. When he does enter her, she will be much more receptive to and desirous of his finger play. In addition, a woman’s G spot (and other spots) will be much easier to find and much more sensitive as she approaches and even experiences orgasm.

THE A, B, C, AND G SPOTS

The G spot is an extremely pleasurable spot located about one and a half to two inches from the opening of the vagina on the upper wall (if the woman is lying on her back), just behind the pubic bone. If you are facing her vulva and you imagine a clock with the clitoris at twelve, the G spot is usually somewhere between eleven and one o-clock.

This spot is named after Dr. Ernest Gräfenberg, who was the first modern physician to describe this spot. Needless to say, women (and many men) have long known about this spot. The Taoists referred to it as the Black Pearl.

One of the best ways for a woman to be multi-orgasmic is to stimulate her clitoris during intercourse.

G SPOT

The G spot is an extremely pleasurable spot generally one-third to two-thirds

of a finger from the opening of the vagina, just behind the pubic bone.

As the man circles a finger or two around the vagina and explores, together you will find unique

landmarks of pleasure.

Whether all women have such a spot is still debated since some women have found it and others have not.

It is important to know a few G-spot basics before a man (or woman) starts exploring (see opposite).

The G spot is the most famous pleasure spot in a woman’s vagina, but each woman has her own unique spots. The G spot, it seems, is simply erectile tis-sue that swells when it is stimulated. There are other sensitive spots that you can find. Most recently, X and Y spots have been discovered on the left and right sides of the G spot at about the same depth (about one and a half inches inside). Recent studies suggest that the clitoris, which was once believed to be a tiny structure in the body, is actually much larger and its nerves descend down the walls of the vagina.

The Taoists knew about the importance of stimulating this part of the vagina and described a ring of pleasure just inside the entrance of the vagina at about this same depth. It is for this reason that they emphasized the importance of shallow thrusting to the left and right and top and bottom (
see “Real Screwing,” p. 122
).

Some women report very pleasurable spots at four and eight o’clock about halfway back along the vaginal wall. Other women report great pleasure in their cul-de-sac, often located above or (when lying on their back) below the cervix. As the man circles a finger or two around the vagina and explores, together you will find unique landmarks of pleasure.

Finding the W ay

Discovering the G Spot

• THE RIDGES OF PLEASURE: When a woman is not aroused, the G spot is difficult to find, although you can often feel some bumpy or ridged skin.
  

• POCKET CHANGE: When stimulated, it can swell to the size of a dime or larger.
  

• ONCE AROUSED: It is best to stimulate the G spot once a woman is already aroused and even approaching orgasm.
  

• BLADDER ALERT: Some women feel discomfort or even the urge to urinate when the G spot is stroked. This is quite normal and may be due to the G spot’s proximity to a woman’s urethra and bladder. If her partner lightens his touch and patiently stimulates this spot, the discomfort will generally turn to pleasure. If a woman is worried about this seeming need to urinate, she can empty her bladder first or try finding the spot herself in the privacy of the bathroom.
  

• TWO NERVES ARE BETTER THAN ONE: According to physiological studies, the vagina and the clitoris may have two different nerve pathways. A man can try stimulating his partner’s G spot and clitoris at the same time, which can lead to extremely intense, explosive orgasms.
  

  

  At the same time, it is important to remember that some women do not have one or more particular spots that are more sensitive than others. Women should not feel pressured to find spots, and if dedicated exploration does not reveal any hidden treasures, remember that the entire vagina is a treasure chest of pleasure for most women. In addition, during fingering (as with thrusting), a man should know that hitting a woman’s cervix can be painful
  

  for some women. The cervix is usually deep inside a woman’s vagina, but the location varies from woman to woman and even throughout her cycle. As a result, a slow and gentle hand is generally best.
  

  

  THE ART OF FINGERING
  

  • SMOOTH NAILS: Men should make sure their fingernails are short and smooth. Any sharp edges will be magnified in the hypersensitive skin of the clitoris and vagina.
    

  • FROM BEHIND: While prostrating before a woman’s vagina is fine for oral sex, it is actually a very awkward position for fingering. A man can try pleasuring her from behind, which will allow his fingers to approach her clitoris and vagina from the same angle from which she pleasures herself. (
    See illustration on p. 107
    .)
    

  • A SLOW HAND: According to the Tao, entering a woman before she’s ready is a major sexual faux pas. A man should hesitate and linger before entering a woman’s vagina with his fingers (or his penis). The famous female sex adviser to the Yellow Emperor, Su Nu, explained that a woman will arch her back and raise her genitals toward her partner’s fingers or penis when she is ready for him to enter her.
    

  • SPIRAL: Use smooth circular movements around and over the clitoris. Avoid jerking or sharp movements. Remember how concentrated the nerve endings are here.
    

  • BETWEEN HER LIPS: Try rubbing her clitoris between her vaginal lips and rubbing the lips themselves.
    

  • G-SPOTTING: A man should make sure to investigate the G-spot area, which is generally on the top wall (when a woman lies on her back) about one and a half inches from the opening of her vagina (
    see illustration on p. 110
    ). As he goes deeper into her vagina, he can continue to circle all sides of her vaginal canal. By raising her legs, a woman shortens her vaginal canal and allows her partner to explore the depths of her vagina.
    

  • FOLLOW THE LEADER: If a woman is willing, the man can place his fingers on hers or have her place hers on his and see how she likes to please herself. Similarly, she can use the head of his penis to stimulate herself.
    

    

    GENITALS, HIS
    

    As we have mentioned, yang energy moves up from the genitals, and so with a man you may wish to draw energy from his genitals to the rest of his body. Lightly cup or caress his crotch and then spread this sexual energy throughout the rest of his body by lightly drawing your fingertips up the front or back of his torso. Most men experience their sexual energy and their orgasms almost exclusively in their crotch, so it is especially important to spread this life-giving energy to awaken and heal the rest of a man’s body.
    

    Because male sexuality ignites so quickly, many men want to move right to genital stimulation. While it is important to recognize this natural desire, a woman can help her man experience a much more satisfying and expanded orgasm if she takes some time to spread this sexual energy out from his genitals. Yang energy is explosive, and once awakened it wants to shoot out from a man’s penis, causing him to ejaculate. By spreading this energy out, a woman can help a man control his ejaculation and eventually experience multiple whole-body orgasms.
    

    Most men and woman gauge a man’s arousal by the angle of his erection. Therefore, it is important to mention that when a woman spreads sexual energy throughout a man’s body or stimulates different parts of his genitals, such as his testicles or perineum, he may not get an erection or may lose the one he has. This does not mean that he is not experiencing intense pleasure, but it can be a source of worry for one or both of you. Erections rise and fall with the flow of sexual energy and blood to the penis.
    

    Also keep in mind that when a man lies on his back, gravity will draw blood away from his penis. In addition, men often find they lose their erection when they are being receptive. Taoists would explain that because yang is active, the man often loses some of his yang charge when he is being receptive. Many men find that when they become active again, taking the initiative and pleasuring their partner, they become erect very quickly.
    

    The following stroking techniques do not require the man to have an erection to experience great pleasure. If the couple wants the man to get hard for penetration, she can stimulate the head of his penis more directly with her hands or mouth or he can take the initiative and become more active. Just as the clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy, the head of the penis is the most sensitive part of the man’s. As we discuss in the next chapter, Taoists believed it is important to stimulate a man’s entire genitals.
    

    Yang energy is explosive, and once awakened it wants to shoot out from a man
    ’
    s penis, causing him to ejaculate. By spreading this energy out, a woman can help a man control his ejaculation and eventually experience multiple whole-body orgasms.
    

    

    THE ART OF STROKING
    

  • LUBE HIM UP: Lubrication, whether oil or water based, is essential for stroking a man’s genitals for any significant period of time. Oil is defi-nitely the best for prolonged stimulation. While women eventually generate their own lubrication, men are completely dependent on outside lubrication. A lubricant will also intensify the sensation for him. Keep in mind, oil-based lubricants may weaken condoms, diaphragms, and cervical caps. If you are using these, choose a water-based lubricant.
    

  • THE SPEED OF LIGHT: When most men self-pleasure, they stroke themselves very quickly and orgasm (generally ejaculate) as quickly as possible. This may be old, patterned behavior from masturbating secretly and worrying about getting caught. It is also the nature of yang to want activity, even frenzied activity. In Taoist sexuality, ejaculation is no longer the goal. Slowing down and enjoying the ride is preferable and can both intensify the eventual orgasm (or orgasms) and lead to greater ejaculatory control. Still, most men will want continued, intense pressure.
    

  • SMOOTH STROKES: A woman should try not to jerk up and down but to keep her movements fluid as she strokes up and down on a man’s penis. As with a hydraulic pump, the pressure and speed should not lessen as a woman switches direction.
    

  • TEASING HIS TESTICLES: Most men’s testicles are very sensitive, often too sensitive for more than delicate touch. You can stimulate his testicles by running your nails or fingertips over them. Some men enjoy gentle tugging on the skin of the scrotum (be careful not to squeeze their balls). They also sometimes enjoy having their testicles circled with the ring of your thumb and forefinger and gently tugged down. Making a snug ring stretches the skin of the testicles, making it very sensitive to light fingertip and nail stimulation (see illustration opposite).
    

  • BETWEEN THE BALLS: On many men there is a very sensitive spot between their testicles following down from the underside of their penis. This spot can be quite pleasurable.
    

  • THE MALE G SPOT: We tend to think that male sexuality is simply the penis and testicles. However, many men experience intense pleasure when having their prostate stimulated, and this deep pleasure has often been equated with a woman’s G spot. The prostate can be stimulated externally through the perineum or internally through the anus (
    see illustration on p. 9
    ).