The More I See (14 page)

They'd arrived at the Will Rodgers Coliseum amidst a flurry of activity. Cody let Beau take the lead, getting Sweet Sassy's Smile settled while he moved with Lyssa and Otis into the arena. Beau was the one riding Sassy today. Not Cody.

The raw smell of hay and animal immediately ignited the sense of excitement Cody

always felt in competition. The sound of cattle being moved and settled by the herders told him they'd arrived during the middle of a cattle change in the competition.

"You're going to have to tell me what's going on because I've never been to one of these competitions," Lyssa said.

As she spoke, her voice faded slightly, then returned as if she was looking around, trying to take in everything. The Coliseum was huge, but it was the activity, people moving past him, the chatter of cowboys and cowgirls anticipating their ride, that locked onto Cody's mind.

He remembered that feeling well, the anticipation of the ride, the adrenaline rush just when his horse's muscles flexed and then jumped into action.

He swallowed the lump that lodged good and deep in his throat, constricting it like a snake choking the life out of its prey. He missed cutting. What was he thinking when he agreed to come here? He had to be temporarily insane.

Lyssa leaned into him and with the simple reassuring brush of her hand across his back, the feelings consuming him were gone.

It didn't take long for people he knew to come up and offer a greeting. In the end, being among what was natural for him wasn't as hard as Cody had anticipated. Most of the people he introduced to Lyssa were longtime friends whom he'd backed away from these last months while he adjusted to how his life had changed. There was no pity in their voices. No sense that time had passed at all or that he was any different despite having Otis by his side.

And he was glad, too, that Lyssa was there. For more reasons than one. Having her field the inevitable questions about Otis, hearing how she spoke with such pride, it was hard for Cody to feel anything but lucky to have a guide dog.

But having her there beside him, with him, made all the difference in the world. There was something about hearing the sweet lilt of her voice, having her bend her head intimately close to him, resting her chin on his shoulder so that he could feel her soft breath against his ear when she asked him questions, made his anxiety ease.

He knew the Coliseum from memory. He'd been there often enough. But Cody was

amazed at the concentration it must have taken for Otis to stay focused and lead him through the crowded arena. There were distractions aplenty. He now understood why some handlers would decide to keep their guide dogs away. But a bit of pride tugged at him at how Otis dealt with each situation like a pro.

They'd sat too long in the car and the last thing Cody wanted now was to sit in a chair and just listen. It irked him he couldn't see what was going on and he didn't want to appear as if he were hiding out anymore. So they stood by the wall.

"Hey, Cody." The voice was familiar, but it took Cody a second to put a face to the voice.

"It's been a long time."

He extended his hand and immediately felt the firm grasp of an old friend. "Yes, it has.

How's it going, Stokes?" He quickly introduced him to Lyssa.

"I've been training Mystic Gypsy Queen these last months. I called the ranch a few times, but they said you weren't available."

That familiar burning ate away at Cody's gut, but he tamped down what he could and ignored the rest.

"I haven't been training these last few months."

As anxiety built inside him, Lyssa slipped her hand into his as if it was meant to be there.

It felt good and he gave it a squeeze of thanks.

"That's what I heard. Heard you had some surgery, too, but that didn't work out. That's too bad."

Wonderful how good news gets around.

"You've got yourself a fine dog here."

"His name is Otis," Lyssa offered cheerfully.

Otis was sitting contently by his left leg. Cody didn't want to talk about the dog or his surgery or his failures, so he talked about something he knew would take attention away from him.

"It's good to see Gypsy competing. She's a fine horse."

"We've been out a few times, but my scores are shot."

"Who've you been training with?"

"That's just it, I haven't. Not since I was out at the Silverado. It's just been me and Gypsy."

"You were coming along just fine then."

"And I've been putting in time when I can, but I'm missing something and my scores have been disappointing."

"You might be doing too much on your own. Who do you have helping you choose your cattle?"

Stokes' laugh was hard. "No one but me. Do you know someone who can help me out?"

Cody thought for only a second. "You go talk to Wes Devlin. I've known him a long time and he's good at what he does. He can set you right and get you ready. In the meantime, you need to relax."

"I am relaxed."

Cody chuckled. "You're about as jumpy as a stray mouse caught in a rattlesnake den. If you're ready to jump out of your skin, you know Gypsy's going to sense it. It's going to put her on edge. When you're out there, stay in control."

"That may be why me and Gypsy seem to be one step behind the cow at every turn."

"Sounds like you may be getting in your horse's way. If you're leaning the wrong way into the turn, she has to compensate for you and that's going to slow her down. Stay out of her way and let her do what she does best."

Stokes made a grunt that Cody took as understanding.

"And concentrate on what's coming up. Most of the riders up next aren't out here socializing with me or anyone else. They're watching the cows, getting their heads centered. The same goes for you. You need to watch the cattle and think about having a good run."

"I'd love to stop out at the ranch some time. Maybe get a few more pointers."

A vein in his neck jumped. Cody could feel his blood pounding hard, about to explode.

"I'm not sure how much help I'd be."

Stokes laughed hard. "You already have been."

"Good luck with your run, Stokes."

"It was good seeing you, Cody."

"You too," Cody said.

It was only an expression, one that didn't mean anything at all really, but Cody still swallowed the pain of the words.

Stokes said his goodbye to Lyssa just as the announcer came over the loudspeaker. The first rider for this set was getting his horse ready.

Lyssa asked some questions during the show and Cody answered them readily, but none of that was really what was on Cody's mind. He knew what his brother had done in bringing him here today. Beau hadn't needed him here to do much of anything. He was just here. Just off the ranch and among people. Despite knowing what his brother was up to, Cody found himself having a good time. He didn't know whether to be ticked off at Beau or to thank him.

But with every groan of the cattle, every hard stop of the horses sending dust flying every which way, Cody didn't want to be standing there watching. He wanted to be out there riding, on his horse, being a part of what he loved.

He could feel the rush crawling under his skin, reined in by the knowledge that he couldn't have it.

But oh, how he wanted it. He didn't think that yearning was ever going to go away.

The only thing this outing managed to do was multiply a craving for what Cody had hungered for his whole life.

* * *

Midnight was creeping around the corner when they'd made it back to Steerage Rock.

Once again the house was quiet. Cody settled Otis into his room and came back downstairs to find Lyssa in the kitchen. It wasn't just that he'd heard the sound of running water. He could smell her subtle scent, feel her eyes on him, even though he couldn't see her.

Today he'd felt her beside him, grounding him even when nothing seemed steady. He liked that feeling a whole lot.

"You're good," she said, her voice blending in smoothly with the sound of the quiet evening.

"I thought you'd gone to bed. You must be tired after that long drive."

"I am, but I wanted to talk."

His lips tugged into a grin and he wagged his eyebrows. "About how good I am?"

She giggled and something inside him slipped free.

"Something like that."

"I like the sound of that. Let's stop talking so I can show you just how good I am."

"I saw the way Stokes was looking at you. Like he was in awe. You have something to give. You're good at what you do."

"You got all that from watching Stokes?"

"Beau says you're one of the best."

A soft groan escaped his lips. "Beau says, huh? What about what I say? Doesn't that count for something?"

"It counts for everything."

"Good. Then I say you ought to be standing right here so I can hold you."

"You're not making this easy for me. At least Beau hasn't been acting like a fool."

"He has his moments."

"Not lately, as far as I've seen. What's with you two anyway? Half the time you're at each other's throats, the other half. .."

"You can say it. I'm not going to bark at you."

"It'd be a first."

She didn't offer any more than what she'd already revealed. She and Beau had shared some secrets in the arena that day when he'd stomped off. If he hadn't done an about-face, Cody would never have known.

"It's just our way, is all," he said quietly. "The way it's always been with all of us."

What else could he say? Lyssa didn't want to hear about old resentments, founded or otherwise, that had formed the bricks and mortar to build a wall between him and Beau.

Cody was acutely aware of Lyssa. He seemed to always be aware of every little move she made. And he liked that, too.

She was waiting.

"You're good," she repeated.

And then she waited again. For what, Cody wasn't quite sure. Maybe to challenge her by denying it. Maybe for him to push off a little arrogant attitude and admit it. He was good with cutting horses, good at training and riding.

At one time.

That hadn't been part of his life in a long time.

"You need eyes to do what I do. Did. I've said that before."

Her scent drew nearer and collided with his senses. He didn't want to reach out for her and find her not there. The thought of that left him cold. Lyssa not there. So he kept his hands cemented to his side. He could feel her, her subtle perfume mixing with the night air wrapping around him. She was close, but not close enough.

"You didn't need eyes today, Cody. Stokes just mentioned a few things he was doing and needing help with and you knew exactly what he was talking about. I didn't have a clue what those things meant, but you did."

"It's basic stuff."

"Maybe to you."

"To anyone who knows cutting. It wasn't a big deal. Any other trainer there today would have told him the same thing."

It irked Cody that maybe Stokes had come up to him out of pity. He sighed, his shoulders feeling the weight of too much thought. He finally decided that wasn't the case. Stokes was a good man who wouldn't waste his breath on pity for pity's sake.

"Stokes hasn't been around cutting all that long. Just had to be reminded about some things he already knew."

"What about someone new?"

Frustration grew inside him. He hated this distance.

"What about them?" Inching forward with his hands in front of him as a guide, he found the smooth counter and used it to move himself toward the sound of Lyssa's voice.

"Take me, for instance."

His face split into a wide grin when his fingers brushed against hers. Hooking his arms around her waist, he dragged her close to him. She leaned into him and his whole body drained of the tension he'd been feeling.

"I'm listening. I like that thought."

Lyssa giggled again. He was drawn to the quiet reserve of it, the slight intake of breath and the escape of laughter when she wasn't so self-conscious. He wanted to kiss her, to just bend his head and touch his lips to hers.

"You could train me."

Cody's arms went rigid. "You're kidding."

"No. I'm not. I thought it looked fun."

"Why?"

"Why was it fun?"

"Why do you want me to train you? What do you want to do this for?"

"I just... want to. That's all. Do I have to have a reason other than just wanting to try?"

"Is this a challenge?"

"No."

Sure it was, Cody thought, a bitter slice of pain leaving him raw right where he stood.

Even if she didn't put it to words, he knew Lyssa was saying, "Cody, I challenge you to take a novice rider like me and teach her to ride a cuttin' horse. I challenge you to prove to me you don't need your eyes." She was almost begging him to stay the hell out of that chair by the pool and keep moving forward with life.

Reaching up, he scratched his jaw. "What about the training with Otis?"

"You're coming along. Both of you. There's plenty of time to do both. I don't have to leave for a while yet."

He laughed then. "You want me to train you in a few days."

"I still have a few weeks. I'd just like one or two lessons."

"Don't play with me, Lyssa," he growled. Abruptly, he released her and took a step back, away from the counter, away from Lyssa. Into oblivion. Retreating wasn't as easy as it used to be. He liked it a whole lot better when he had Lyssa in his arms, grounding him.

"What makes you think I am?"

He ignored the subtle hurt in her voice. "This isn't a challenge?"

"For me, yes."

She closed the distance he'd left when he stepped back, and slipped her arms around his waist, grounding him once again.

"I seem to recall you giving me some pretty strong words to the effect of me not really living. Not feeling that rush of life. I've ... been thinking lately that maybe you're right."

Her voice was low and soft as a whisper.

"I want to feel that rush you talked about. I don't want to be afraid of feeling that."

"Darlin', holding you like this is enough to give any man a rush strong enough to cause a heart attack."