The Miting (31 page)

Daughter Leah,

Many times I thought to write this, but every time I tried, I could not find the words. Bishop Miller thinks it is good to send this to you. We want to tell you that it is not too late to shake off Satan’s deceptive hand from your shoulder. Come home. Your
Maem
cries for you. Your brothers and sister also would like you to be back in the family fold. Don’t stay on this path too long, or you may find yourself dragged to the depth of Satan’s den and then, if your soul is required of you before you have the chance to return to the Amish, you will be lost for all eternity. Heed your wise Daet’s warning before it is too late. Until you come home for good, it is best for you to not come home at all.

Leah dropped the letter, the pain it carried burning her fingers like fire. The words only intensified her deep loneliness. To bear
Daet
’s censure, his order to not come home until she wore the
kapp
and dress of the Amish, broke her spirit as well as her heart. Despair wrapped its heavy mantle over her shoulders. It was nearly impossible to shake off its weight—even when she reminded herself that Jesus promised a light burden to those who followed Him.

She tried hard to study instead, but some of the English words made no sense. Every test, every lesson took more concentration than she could give. She was grumpy and short with her roommate and with the Schrocks. Naomi wisely kept quiet and offered no more advice, but Leah was building a wall, and distance was mounting between her host family and herself. She thought seriously about going back home.

At breakfast one morning, she was eating with the family when Matthew said a prayer for the food. He then asked the Lord to bless Leah with peace, calm, and acceptance of her family’s actions. Leah’s cheeks warmed as a slow burn grew.

How can he say that? How could I ever accept that kind of thing?

After the prayer, she made her disapproval known when she took a drink of coffee and set down the cup forcefully.

Matthew glanced at her. “Is there something you want to say?”

She pressed her lips together firmly, trying to keep from speaking, but bitterness couldn’t be suppressed.

“Yes!” she blurted through tears. “You have
no
business praying that kind of prayer for me. It makes me feel like you think my family’s rejection is a minor problem. It
isn’t!
It hurts, and you’ve forgotten that feeling or you wouldn’t say such a thing.”

Matthew quietly regarded her. Finally, he spoke. “Leah, my
daet
’s rejection of me still has the power to make me feel small—even after all these years. There’s no way I can forget the pain, but I
know
what a waste it is to let the anger and sting of it control my life.”

Leah shook her head, tired of listening to this same message, first from Naomi and now from Matthew.

“Is it worth it?” she asked Matthew. “Is it? Shouldn’t I go back and try to get them to see the Lord
through
me instead of abandoning everything they know and respect?”

Leah was trembling with guilt and loneliness.

Matthew let her express her feelings, but Leah could tell he didn’t agree with her position. She continued, unable to stop the emotion pouring from her. “You know, I used to think there was no living with my family after I was born again,” she persisted. “But I haven’t even tried to be back with them since I started on this road. Maybe if I join the church and settle in, they’ll have more respect for my faith. Maybe they’ll see the new way I’m thinking and the happiness the Lord has brought me.”

Matthew glanced away and blew out his breath. “Leah, this is the
same
thing I thought when I asked my wife to move back into our Amish community after we left. And you know what? It just didn’t work. We wanted it to; we
really
did, but the bishops and the
Ordnung
didn’t have room for us and our faith. I wish I could say things have changed, but you know change is not something the Old Order or Swartzentruber Amish embrace. Not at all.”

“But—”

Matthew put up his hand. “I don’t want you to think I’m insisting you stay out, but I want you to be aware of what it will be like if you return. Obeying the forefathers, the bishop, and the
Ordnung
were the top priorities when we went back all those years ago, and they still are today.”

“I know.” She sighed, quiet for a minute or two while she thought about what Matthew said. Still, Leah couldn’t help but wonder if she might be missing the chance to lead her family to true salvation and grace. Maybe change
was
possible, and she was the one to help. The guilt over disobeying her parents and deserting her sister and brothers was overwhelming, and Leah wasn’t sure if she’d last another week.

“You’ve made a life-changing decision, and we can’t sit here and tell you that you must do this or you must do that,” Naomi said, glancing at Matthew. “We couldn’t do it at first, either, Leah. Youthful desires to belong and be part of a loving family are powerful emotions. Knowing you’ve lost your parents’ love is so painful, it can’t even be explained or anticipated. You just have to feel it and experience it and then do what you can to stand.”

She made a circular motion between herself and Matthew. “We still have times when we wish we could go back, but the burden of following the
Ordnung
is too heavy to carry, Leah. We’ll be praying that you will discover what God wants for you because He wants only the best. He is the only Father who will love you purely and without selfish thought.”

Leah put her head down and sat still. She knew the Schrocks were right.

“I have work to do, so I’d better get to it,” Matthew said. He rose and walked to the door. He paused, looking back with an understanding expression. “I’ll be praying for you, Leah.”

Leah woke on Sunday morning in the middle of a dream. She stretched lazily and lay still, remembering the feel of Sparky’s leather reins in her hands. In the dream, she drove her brother and sister to town, all of them laughing the way they used to before she left. It was so real she felt she could
see
Benny and Ada beside her.

“Leah?” called Hannah through the door. “I’m leaving for church soon. Do you want to go this morning?”

She decided it wouldn’t hurt to go and pray about her situation with fellow believers. “I’ll ride with the Schrocks, Hannah.”

She hopped out of bed and grabbed a dress from the closet. It took twenty minutes to shower and dry her hair. She was ready to go just as the Schrocks were walking out the door.

The ride to church seemed longer than usual. Leah zoned out and didn’t listen to the conversation going on around her. The heavy feeling in her chest weighed her down as she stared at the passing scenery. They were getting close to the area where her parents lived. She kept her eyes glued to the lanes and roads as they crossed each one, but she didn’t see Sparky prancing along as she’d hoped.

I don’t even know if this is the off-week from church. I’m so out of touch with everything I used to know.
Realizing this added to her misery.

For the first time since starting at the little community church the Schrocks attended, Leah couldn’t wait for the singing and the preaching to be over. She was restless and wanted a chance to kneel at her seat to pray. She tried praying silently, but she couldn’t concentrate and couldn’t block the sound of the music and the pastor’s voice.

Guilt pursued her. Guilt about thinking of leaving the Schrocks after all they’d done for her. Guilt for trying to ignore the service, and most of all guilt that she had abandoned her family in the first place.

At the invitation to pray, she knelt at the pew, dropping her head on her arms. She poured out her feelings to God, but by the end of the prayer, Leah still felt miserable and lonely.

Sunday dinner was tense. Hannah kept her distance and quietly went about her business. Leah watched an old movie for an hour, but the restless feelings grew.

At home, she would be relaxing with the family by now. If it was a church day, she’d be getting ready to go to the Sunday night singing. The desire to see Jacob Yoder rose in her heart, and she fought a longing to run home. She almost couldn’t stop herself from packing her things and walking out the door.

Hannah wandered in. She sat on the chair across from Leah. “It’s hard, isn’t it?”

She nodded.

“I still miss my family, and it seems Sunday is the worst day for that.”

Again Leah nodded mutely.

The silence in the room deepened. Suddenly, Hannah stood. “Let’s go get some ice cream. Doesn’t that sound good?”

Her smile was open and inviting. Leah responded as best she could. “Sure.”

She couldn’t wait to get out of the house.

Once in town, Hannah drove past the turn off to the Dairy Queen located on Main Street. “Aren’t we going to the ice-cream stand?”

“It’s such a nice day, I thought it’d be good to take a drive in the country and get our ice cream at Raysburg General Store.”

Leah’s heart raced, knowing they’d be traveling close to her family’s farm.

Maybe I’ll see someone I know.

The winding roads following the hills and curves of the farmland north of Ashfield lulled her into a peaceful trance. She viewed the passing landscapes and remembered the feel of the asphalt roads under the roll of the buggy wheels. She could almost imagine the pull of Sparky against his reins and the sound of his clopping hooves striking the hard surface of the blacktop.

Soon they were pulling into the store parking lot, and she suddenly thought of her English clothes. What if she saw Jacob? Or worse yet
Daet
?
Maem
and her brother and sister had already seen Leah in her
Englisher
jeans and T-shirt, but the thought of
Daet
seeing her—it was harder to imagine his reaction.

She glanced nervously around as she got out of the car and shut the door. The store was surprisingly busy for a late Sunday afternoon, but many of the people shuffling in and out of the store were tourists or locals who came in to get a snack or rent a movie.

The wooden floors creaked as they wandered down the aisle past the cash register and over to the ice-cream counter perched atop a freezer that held many icy confections. She leaned against the cold glass as she made her selection of ice cream. The man who waited on them was the one who had helped her the day she left the Amish. She wondered if he recognized her in her new garb.

The two friends paid for the cones and settled into the very booth Leah had sat in while waiting for Naomi to pick her up months ago. The outside air was hot and sticky, and a patch of moisture trickled down the inside pane of the air-conditioned window. She looked across the table at her roommate, and a feeling of warmth and affection for Hannah’s thoughtfulness spread over her sore heart.

“Thank you, Hannah.”

“For what?”

“For this.” Leah gestured to the store. “For bringing me to see the place again and for understanding I needed to be out here for a while.”

“You’re welcome.” Hannah’s rosy cheeks glowed as she grinned at Leah.

Leah rolled an icy cold drop of sweet frozen cream over her tongue. “Being here reminds me of the day I left. The urge to somehow find out more about myself and God. I’d … forgotten.”

Leah gazed out the window to the surrounding fields, houses, and passing cars. When she’d left her Amish home, the ways of the English had been a mystery. Now she knew that along with the freedom to choose a path for herself came much responsibility. She had no family to help her. And her role in life, while open for God’s plans, was complicated by not really having a clear identity. Among the Amish, she had been Leah Raber, good Amish girl and future wife and mother.

Out here, the prospects seemed endless, scary, and exhilarating at the same time. There were no hard-and-fast rules of who she could be, what she could accomplish, and how she would choose to live her life. The Amish way, though very hard, was straightforward. The path of her life was already decided, long before she’d even been born. In that, she supposed, people could say it was a “simple” life. But the freedom to choose was strong in her heart and something she didn’t know how to squelch. There was good in her upbringing, and there was support, but there was also frustration for someone like her who grasped for an independence that didn’t fit the Amish way.

She mulled these ideas around and came to the conclusion that, for her, life in the English world was worth the sacrifice. She fanned the spark of contentment. Just for today, she would think of the good things she’d accomplished and gained and put the losses aside for another time. She was young. The day was beautiful. The sun glowed over the warmed earth, and her friend was by her side. Yes. Today, it was enough.

The two friends chatted amiably while finishing their ice cream. Just as they were throwing the napkins away in the big trash bin outside the general store’s double doors, Leah heard the unmistakable sound of a buggy coming down the road.