The Milestone Tapes (14 page)

“Oh.” It made sense now. She had had an episode, one that she had been cautioned about months earlier. Months earlier, she hadn’t been paying attention to the time. This was her half way point.

“And you remember nothing?”

“No, I remember the night leading up to the ... event ... but I don’t remember what happened … afterwards.” Jenna lowered her eyes.

“Yes, so you can see why we’re all concerned.” Dr. Henderson’s tone softened.

Dr. Henderson had been caring for Jenna locally when she was first diagnosed and even now when emergencies arose, but because Jenna preferred the Seattle practice, they all worked in conjunction.

“I’ve been in touch with Dr. Vaughn this morning. We’re in agreement. You’ve turned a corner. I realize that, initially, he thought six months and then you’d be in a position to need more attuned care. But I think that timeline was gravely overestimated. He and I, we, undervalued what the treatments were doing, and what they were keeping at bay.

“The cancer, as we’ve said all along—as you’ve always known—is aggressive. Dr. Vaughn is on his way now for you and Gabe to consult with. He and I will meet first, naturally, to discuss this hospital’s findings and attempt to get some hold on what’s really going on here.”

Jenna felt herself gripping the metal side rails of the hospital bed, squeezing so hard her knuckles blanched. A whooshing sound rushed her ears, burned her head off from thought, feeling and reasons. She was lost, cast off.

Jenna wanted to scream. Why was the doctor telling her this alone, when she had no one to comfort or console her? It seemed heartless.

“Why, why are you telling me this ... I’m alone, Gabe’s not even here!” Jenna voiced raked with anger.

“Jenna, please understand, you are my patient. You asked me and I told you. I’m sorry if this has upset you, but my job is to be honest with you.” Her smile pinched to a pucker, as though she was offended. “And, just so you are aware, I’ve spoken with Gabe, just before seeing you. He is fully aware of my findings and my suspicions. He is on his way here now, with your sister I believe. I have some tests I want to run before Dr. Vaughn arrives, so a nurse will be here for you shortly.” Her face went blank, as professional as before.

This was it, the downslide. Jenna tugged the thin hospital blanket up to her mouth and smothered a scream.

“Jenna? Honey!” Sophia burst through the thin wooden door that shelled off the private room from the rest of the hospital. She looked windblown and fazed, her blue eyes wide with horror and worry, the mixture left her looking sickened.

“Where’s Gabe?” Jenna wondered out loud, turning towards her sister who yanked a chair from the other end of the room to sit beside her.

“Right here,” he answered, walking through the door. He hadn’t slept, the red rings of exhaustion still circled his eyes, and his face cheeks, chin and neck were still sprouting salt and pepper stubble. She wanted to go to him, to pull him down beside her and hold him close.

“Gabe,” Jenna breathed. He made it easier somehow, his handsome face a touchstone for her, his comforting presence. He was hers, her safe place.

“They just told her, Gabe. Fuck! We wanted to be here, we all but ran.” Sophia patted Jenna hand soothingly. “I’m so pissed; it seems so insensitive to tell her when she was alone!” she ranted on. “I could strangle that woman, Lord help me, I could!”

“No, don’t blame her.” Jenna’s words betraying her own feelings that had flared up so easily only a moment ago. “I asked—this is how things work sometimes.”

“Soph, could I minute with Jenna, please?” Gabe asked, still standing in the open door frame, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He looked like a child, lost and scared and confused.

“Of course. I’m going to go to the cafeteria, do you want anything? Coffee, muffin, juice?” Sophia offered, pulling herself up from the chair, clutching her fine leather hand bag to her side.

“No, I’m okay. Thanks, though. Jenna has tests, can’t eat or drink till they’re over.” Gabe nodded.

“I’ll be back later, then.” Sophia leaned down to kiss Jenna briefly on her forehead, pausing on her way out to touch Gabe’s arm once.

“Gabe ... what’s going on?” Jenna asked seriously, not waiting for him to sit down or even pull away from the door.

“Honestly, J, I don’t know everything yet. When Dr. Henderson called this morning, I figured it’d be more of the same—make her rest, make sure she’s not over doing it, keep her relaxed—but it wasn’t that, not anymore.” He shook his head, trying to unscramble the cryptic medical code.

“She said they were wrong ... What does that even mean?” Jenna implored. She knew Gabe would be straight with her.

“It means, I suppose, that the medication you were on kept you better for longer, it did more for you than they thought,” he sighed, heaving away from the door to sit beside her in the chair Sophia had pulled over.

“So what, that’s it? It’s only been three months. They said six—I want six!” Jenna reacted in horror, anger bursting from her chest.

“I know, babe, I know.” He rested his head on her hand, bent over as though he were deep in prayer.

“This is bullshit! I want to go home right now. I want to see Mia!” Jenna hiccupped a sob openly.

“You need to stay here, Jenna. I can’t take you home, baby. I’m sorry,” Gabe cried, his shoulders shook, betraying his composure.

“For how long?” Jenna wiped angrily at her face with her free hand.

“I don’t know, honey. Dr. Vaughn will have to ... make that decision.” Gabe continued to cry. Jenna could feel the salty dampness soaking her fingers and the bed beneath them.

“Okay, okay.” Jenna gave up; she knew agonizing over the situation wasn’t going to help either of them.

“We’re going to do whatever he says, and we’ll be okay,” Gabe promised, pulling upwards and sinking back into the tattered chair, propping his feet up on the metal foot rails.

“Did you tell Mia? Does she have any idea?” Jenna wanted to hold her little girl; her arms ached for the weight of her child.

“No. She wasn’t awake when we left,” Gabe answered, shaking his head side to side.

“Good, she doesn’t need to know yet, at least until we know more. I want to be the one to tell her anyway.” Jenna nodded, her daughter was still blissfully unaware that her whole world was about to implode. A few more hours of sleep and childhood would never hurt, and she wished that innocence could stretch on forever.

Gabe nodded once and closed his eyes.

“Gabe?” Jenna pressed on her, voice angling upward.

“Do you need me to call the nurse?” Gabe answered automatically. Years of sitting bedside in a hospital while his wife’s life squandered away had trained him well.

“No. I want to talk.” Jenna propped herself up against the stack of plastic sleeved pillows.

“Jenna you should rest until Dr. Vaugh get’s here,” Gabe began patiently.

“Not about what you don’t know Gabe, but rather, about what you do know,” Jenna entreated. “I want to clear some things up, so that no matter what happens today, we’re on a path to do what’s best for you and what’s best for Mia.”

“Didn’t we just talk about this last night?” Gabe muttered

“Sort of, but this is different.”

“All right, I’m listening.” Gabe leaned back, crossing his arms in full attention.

“I am making tapes for Mia. It’s my way of staying with her, long after this fight is over and I’m gone. I want to trust you with those tapes. There are 10 of them, each goes along with a major milestone when she’d probably turn to me for advice, or understanding.” Jenna clasped her hands in her lap and went on.

“I’m doing this as much for her as I am for you. I know that being a single father will come with a set of challenges, and I hope this will make it easier for you.”

“Jesus Christ, Jenna!” Gabe roared, shoving the chair backwards so it clanged, falling violently against the scuffed floor. “Really? Now? This is when you thought it’d be easiest to tell me? Do I not have enough to process?” He paced the floor aggressively.

“I know, this isn’t how I planned to tell you, believe me. But, I was going to tell you this weekend,” Jenna expressed sensibly, fighting against the part of herself that wanted to crawl into a ball and weep endlessly.

“I have enough to deal with Jenna, really, I do. I don’t want to do this right now, can you understand that?” he quietly asked her, his eyes red rimmed and furious.

“Gabe, please ... ” Jenna appealed.

“I don’t want to sound like an asshole, I don’t want make this harder on you. I know that you’re going through hell right now and that you’re trying, in your way, to make me see things from your side ... but, please, I just can’t.” Gabe turned to face the small window.

Jenna wondered if there was something pretty on the other side of the industrial glass. Something that could challenge all the ugly that was said, and seen and done in this little benign room. The sort of view a person could take comfort in, knowing that the world was bigger than this little space, that their grief wasn’t the end of everything. She hoped so.

“This is going to sound morbid Gabe, but I can’t think of how else to say this to you and make you understand ... I have been so busy living that I’d forgotten the clock was ticking against me. I can’t pretend anymore, and you can’t pretend anymore. We need to talk about this, there are things we need to figure out.”

“And we will, I’m sure. I’m just asking you let me deal with one thing at a time,” Gabe returned to the chair he’d tipped over, righted it and sat back down. “I’m on overload, so please, just give me time to process one thing before you give me another.”

Jenna turned away, bringing her arms to her lips, blinking back the tears that threatened her. She understood his point but that didn’t change anything; she wanted to talk to Gabe, to iron out the details she’d let slip over the past few months. But she’d give him what he was asking for now, she’d let it go for just a small while longer. What she accepted now was that there was never going to be a good time, but she’d wait for him to catch up to that realization as well.

“Mrs. Chamberland?” A small knock proceeded the soft voice, as the knob on the door turned slightly.

“Come in,” Jenna called from her bed as a tiny nurse with frizzy brown hair and thick glasses walked through the door. She looked young and slight, but her smile was disarmingly warm and sweet. She looked like a nurse, the sort of young person who could do this type of work, caring for other people.

“Hi, Mrs. Chamberland, I’m Missy. I’m going to take you to run some tests, if that’s all right?” She continued to smile in a friendly way as she went to work snapping down the metal bed rails for Jenna to climb out of bed and into the wheelchair.

“Sure, but please, call me Jenna and this is Gabe, my husband.” Jenna gestured to Gabe who had risen to his feet offering his arm to Jenna who was shifting out of bed.

“Nice to meet you Gabe. I promise I’ll take good care of your wife. Jenna, this won’t take to terribly long, but I’m afraid we can’t have company where we’re going.” Her lips puckered into a frown, clearly the type of nurse who didn’t like to be the heavy and deliver the news that she’d have to go it alone. She looked new, this nurse, green and unseasoned, but sweet nonetheless.

“That’s okay. We know the drill, right Gabe?” Jenna feebly smiled, attempting to the lighten the air. Gabe nodded slightly and helped Jenna into the wheelchair Missy had brought along with her.

“See you soon,” Gabe breathed into Jenna’s ear as Missy slowly rolled away.

~ * * * ~

“So, the findings are this,” Doctor Vaughn began as he sat beside the Jenna in the hospital room, Gabe on her other side, clutching her hand. “We have noted substantial growth in your tumors, and blood work shows decreased levels OF red blood cells, which accounts for last night’s episode—the lightheadedness, fainting. Needless to say, we aren’t happy about this progression.”

Doctor Vaughn looked significantly too young to be a doctor. His crisp, neat, dark hair parted smoothly just to the left, his eyes a vivid, bright green behind stylish readers, his skin an unnatural tan for the inclement weather of Washington. He looked better suited for the classroom, a teacher or an adventurer. Yet, he was the best Oncologist in Seattle, highly sought after, regarded in glowing terms by patients and medical journals alike. Young, educated, tirelessly dedicated to his patients, his smile was easy, his bedside manner unmatched. Jenna had loved him instantly, trusted him entirely with her life.

“What does that mean?” Gabe asked speculatively, searching Dr. Vaughn’s face for any hint of something positive beneath his serious demeanor.

“It means a few things, but most importantly, Jenna,” the doctor continued, “we’re going to let you go home today. I’m sure you’re anxious to get back to Mia.” He smiled then, patting Jenna’s hand softly. He knew her well; he knew she’d be clamoring to go home, she hated hospitals and had told him as much on countless occasions; he had always made a conscious effort to respect her feelings, sending her home when he could.

“We’re going to give you a new prescription, Epoetine Alfa. It’s going help stabilize your red blood cells and we’ll continue to monitor the situation. On the other side of things, I think now is the time to start considering the care we discussed a few months back.” Dr. Vaughn took his glasses off and rubbed the tender spot between his eyes. “I think we should seriously discuss pain management and maybe, if you’re willing, some fashion of home health care.” He looked between Jenna and Gabe, studying them, appraising their reactions.