The Memory Child (18 page)

“How? How could you beli
eve that?”

My world stood still for just a second before a moment of clarity hit me hard. I almost reeled from th
e impact.

Charlie wasn’t afraid of the hormonal imbalance she might or might not experience if she ever had a child. Postpartum psychosis wasn’t the nightmare in her sleep. It was the abandonment. That was what scared her
the most.

And it was in that moment that my own fears of being crazy were wiped clean. I knew I wasn’t. I couldn’t be. I’d faced the one thing that scared me the most and I walked aw
ay whole.

I did,
didn’t I?

I jumped up from the couch and went to go check
on Grace.

“Diane, what are you doing?” Charlie called o
ut to me.

“One minute,” I softly called over my shoulder. I nudged the door to Grace’s bedroom open and peeked in. The hallway light arched in the room until it highlighted the crib, enough so I could see her legs twitching. I tiptoed in and gazed down at her. The shadows played with her face, but there was enough light to show me what I needed to see. The way her lips puffed out with each breath and the rise of her chest as she to
ok in air.

“I love you, angel,” I w
hispered.

“Diane?” Charlie stood at the door and w
atched me.

“I thought I heard something,”
I hedged.

I followed her back to the couch and we sat there in silence. I picked up the note from our mother and opened it, smoothing out the crease down th
e center.

“Remember when you first arrived and we talked about Mom? I said she couldn’t cope, but you said it was postpartum ps
ychosis.”

Charl
ie nodded.

“So, it’s possible she wasn’t in the right frame of mind when she wrote this note,
correct?”

Charlie just sta
red at me.

“Aunt Mags told us it was like a switch went off in her brain and her entire world changed within moments. That’s what happens, right?” Mags would know. As a nurse, she had worked with many new mothers—she’d know the signs, know what to look for, and understand what it
all meant.

Charlie withdrew from me at that point. She pulled back, arms crossed as she stared at the baby monitor I’d placed on the cof
fee table.

“Sometimes. Other times it’s a gradual change, something most people wouldn’t recognize until it was too late,” she
muttered.

“How could most people not recognize it? I mean, I know we were kids, we weren’t going to notice it, but Dad should have
, right?”

Charlie shook her head. A blanket of sadness weighed her down; I could see it in the droop of her shoulders and the shadow in her eyes as she finally loo
ked at me.

“Ignorance is bliss. Those who are closest want to ignore the signs, blame it on something else if they can.” She tilted her back to rest on the couch. “It’s easier, or so we tell ourselves. Just give it time, it’ll all work out. One day at a time, that’s what Walter said. One day at a time. But it’s so hard.” Her voice dr
ifted off.

“Charlie?” I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. Did something happen, something more than just an ultimatum from Marcus that brought her
back home?

She turned toward me and smiled. “Enough melodrama. I need to head out for a few days. My boss called and they’d like me to head down to Texas to help train a new team that leaves at the end of the week. I won’t be g
one long.”

“What? I thought you weren’t leaving?” She couldn’t go. Not now. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. I hid my trembling hands beneath my legs and struggled to put a smile on my face. I didn’t want her to know how panick
ed I felt.

“It’s only for a few days. I’ll be back before you
know it.”

“What if Grace and I came with you?” The words rushed out before I even had the chance to think. I wanted to take them back the instant I said them, not only because of the rejection in Charlie’s face but also because there was no way I could take Grace anywhere now, anyway, not after she had almost gotten
run over.

“Oh, honey, I…that wouldn’t work. I’ll be…cra
zy busy.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” I swept my hair back behind my head and fiddled with the blanket ov
er my lap.

“Hey, if we don’t start the movie soon I’m going to head off to bed.” I exaggerate
d my yawn.

Charlie smiled and reached for the remote. With her occupied, I sneaked the note I still held in my hand into my pant
s pocket.

I hated that she’d read it. Hated that it had affected her in a way she couldn’t admit to. Hated that there was nothing I could do to help her. Was that why she was leaving after she said she would stay as long as I ne
eded her?

“You will come back, won’t you?” I struggled to keep the insecurity out of my voice, but even I coul
d hear it.

Charlie reached across the couch, grabbed my hand, and
squeezed.

“I’ll be here for as long as you need me. I
promise.”

I smiled, reassured in the knowledge that I wouldn’t be l
eft alone.

Except, no matter how many promises someone made to me, I always ended up alon
e. Always.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I
t was midafternoon, and while I knew I really should put Grace down for her nap, I had a sudden urge to
get out.

I wasn’t sure whether it was the fact that both Nina and Charlie had left earlier in the morning and I was wandering aimlessly around the house or whether I was just ready to
get out.

There was only one place that didn’t fill me with a sense of panic when I thought of taking Grace out on my own. It would mean my first trip with her, but it
was time.

Time for me to step up and be the type of mother I should be. I couldn’t hide my daughter anymore; there was no need to. There was no big bad wolf out there just waiting to snatch her from me. The realization was l
iberating.

I felt guilty as I snuck us out of the house, but it wasn’t like I was housebound. I could come and go as I pleased. And it pleased me to leave at that ver
y moment.

At the same time, I knew I was being sneaky. I did leave a note on the kitchen counter for Nina just in case. Better to ask forgiveness than permissi
on, right?

The moment I pulled up into the restaurant’s parking lot I knew I’d done the right thing. I should have come here days or even weeks ago. I should have suggested it to Charlie. She loved coming here. Maybe when she came back we would plan a girls’ n
ight out.

“Diane!”

Marcello greeted me with open arms the moment I walked through the door. He brought me close and squeezed tight, laughing as he kissed both
my cheeks.

“Bella, I’ve missed you. You don’t call, you don’t come in…how am I to take care of you when you don’t come?” He grabbed my hand and pulled me be
hind him.

I pu
lled back.

“Wait. I want to introduce you to someone. You’re the first of my friends to officially meet her.” I held up the baby carrier and pulled back the blanket that cover
ed Grace.

“Marcello, meet my little angel. Grace, meet the man who will teach you to love all things
Italian.”

Tears gathered in Marcello’s eyes as he saw Grace for the first time. He blinked his lashes a few times before turning to give me ano
ther hug.

“Oh, sweet darling.” It was all he said, but I could see the love for her in
his face.

“I know I should have brought her in sooner, but…” I gave him a sheepish smile as he held my hand and walked me into my little sitt
ing area.

I gazed around me and sighed. Yes, this was what
I needed.

“Can I get you some wine? Are you allowed? Or maybe some sparklin
g water?”

“Wine. White, please.” It felt like ages since I’d last had a glass of wine. I knew I probably shouldn’t have any with the medication I was on, but at the moment, I di
dn’t care.

“Cha
rdonnay?”

I nodded.

I placed Grace down beside me before I sat in the small chair I’d picked out for this area. I watched her, the way her lashes kissed her cheeks, and the way her lips relaxed into a smile as she slept. She really was
my angel.

On the other side of me was a small table with books I’d picked up from secondhand stores. An old hardback book with no cover was on top. I picked it up and smiled. This was definitely not on
e of mine.

“Ah, I see you found my latest
secret.”

I glanced up to find Marcello in front of me, holding out a glass
of wine.

I tipped the book over before putting it back down.
Alice in Wonderland
. I couldn’t help
but smile.

“It’s our little secret,” I promised. I thought Marcello might read some of the books I brought in, even use this small area as his own. Now I knew I had b
een right.

I took a sip of the wine, ignoring all the warnings blaring through my mind, and thoroughly savored the smooth liquid as I rolled it around
my tongue.

Marcello pulled up a chair and sat opposite me. He glanced down at Grace before he leaned forward and reached for my
free hand.

“I’ve been worried about you. Things haven’t been the same here with you not coming by for my pasta…I wanted to see you, but…” He patted my hand before le
tting go.

“It’s taken me a little bit longer than I thought it would to get back to my daily routine.” I shrugged. “If I even knew what that was
anymore.”

“Ahh, it takes time. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He glanced down at Grace. I followed his gaze, my heart bursting with love once again as I watched her. It surprised me how much this happened to me. I used to laugh when I would hear stories of young mothers who couldn’t stop talking about their babies. Now I knew. Now I u
nderstood.

“Did you know Charlie was back at home?” It had become a tradition for Charlie and me to come here and say good-bye before she left for her latest assignment with Doctors Without Borders. She would always load up on carbs and claimed no one could make a cream sauce like
Marcello.

“Yes, yes. She came in yesterday for a plate of carbonara. She doesn’t look well, that girl. My heart worries for her.” Marcello covered his chest with
his hand.

Of course she did. One more thing she did on her day out yesterday that she excluded
me from.

“I think she’s just tired. She doesn’t take many breaks in between her m
issions.”

“Well, I love that she’s staying closer to home for a while. Give me time to put some meat on her bones. Which reminds me, now that you’re here, you’ll let me do what I promis
ed, yes?”

I took another sip o
f my wine.

“What do you mean, ‘what you pr
omised’?”

Marcello pushed himself up from
his chair.

“It breaks my heart that I broke my word. But I’ll make it up.” He leaned down and kissed my hand. “Now, sit back and just relax. Enjoy yo
ur wine.”

I watched as he walked into the back area and wondered what
he meant.

I could only assume he meant Brian. He must have made Marcello promise to take care of me as only Marcello
could do.

Once, when I was sick, Marcello had made some homemade chicken soup for Brian to pick up for me. Another time, when we moved into our new place, he’d called Brian to let him know our dinner w
as ready.

I thought back to the conversation I’d overheard earlier from Nina. I kept thinking about what kind of separation she was talking about, and why now wouldn’t be the right time. It didn’t m
ake sense.

If she was talking to Brian, there could only be o
ne answer.

But what if she was talking to someone else? What kind of separation? Not from Grace. Why would she take my daughter awa
y from me?

Tonight, maybe during our walk or afterward, when we had tea, I needed to have a talk with Nina. I needed answers. It was one thing if she had been in contact with my husband and didn’t tell me, but it was quite another thing if she planned to take my child away
from me.

“I hope you’ve been craving this. You are too thin. You need to promise to come in more so I can fatten you up.” Marcello appeared to the side and held a plate in
his hands.

A waiter brought over a small table to place in front of me. He covered it with a tablecloth, candleholders, and silverware. Once he was done, Marcello set the small plate of bruschetta down before he added a vase with a rose to
the table.

“I don’t need the fancy china.” I smiled at him. I realized it had felt like ages since I’d last been hungry, but all of a sudden I was
starved.

“You, my beautiful lady, deserve only the best.” He bowed and blew m
e a kiss.

One bite of the bruschetta and I was in heaven. The garlic, tomatoes, and basil blend on the bread was the best thing I’d eaten in ages. This was the way a person should eat, with flavors that exploded with each bite. The It
alian way.

“Grace, one day you and I will cook like this in our kitchen. Your father and I used to cook for each other. I’m not sure if we ever will again, but it’s in your blood.” She slept, but I believed she could still hear my voice. I knew it from the way she’d often smile in her sleep when I would tal
k to her.

“I hope you’re hungry.” Marcello’s loud voice boomed in the empty room. I’d just realized I was the only o
ne there.

He brought a large bowl of angel hair pasta with chicken covered in Alfredo sauce. The waiter behind him carried a cheese grater for the best Parmesan cheese I’d ever tasted. I almost groaned i
n ecstasy.

“I hope you’re going to join me,” I said. There was too much pasta in that bowl for on
e person.

The waiter set another place at the table but Marcello only shook
his head.

“No, but I will.” A hand squeezed my shoulder. I glared at Marcello, who had the grace to l
ook away.

Why was
Nina here?

“I
’m sorry, Diane. I called Nina to come and
join you.”

He must have caught the deadly look in my eyes. He lifted his hands and shrugged. I wasn’t really too surprised that she showed up. It wasn’t like I kept my plans a secret. I did leave a note telling her wh
ere I was.

“I’ve wanted to meet her for a long time,” Marc
ello said.

I just star
ed at him.

“And you shouldn’t be eating alone. It’s not right.” He looked down toward Grace. “
Not now.”

“What does that mean?” The sound of my fork dropping on my plate carried through the restaurant. Marcell
o cringed.

“He means”—Nina left my side and sat down in the chair opposite of me—“we both know how hard today must be, and you shouldn’t have to b
e alone.”

“What’s so hard abo
ut today?”

“Because it’s your anniversary.” There was a look in Nina’s eyes, like she was sizing me up and waiting to see how
I’d react.

I shook my head. They we
re wrong.

“Did you forget?” Nina’s voic
e lowered.

I blinked as my eyes welled with tears. Today wasn’t my anniversary. It couldn’t be. That was still months away, wasn’t it? I wouldn’t forget my anniversary; I knew I
wouldn’t.

“It
can’t
be.” I wiped at the tears that flowed down my cheeks. My mind was blank. Our anniversary was in July. And this was…there was still time, wasn
’t there?

“How could I forget our anniversary? How could Brian forget? Where is he? Why isn’t he here?” I shook my head, my gaze frozen on my plate as I tried to proc
ess this.

Our last anniversary had been perfect, the best night of my life in years. Brian and I always planned how we would celebrate together, and normally we’d either go away for the weekend or go out for dinner. But for our twelfth, no, thirteenth anniversary it was different. We both had to work late, so we’d agreed to celebrate it on the weekend, but that night Brian surprised me by taking me out to a five-star restaurant we’d both wanted to try but could never get reservations for. But instead of a regular meal in the dining area, Brian had called in a favor and we had been seated at the chef’s table in the
kitchen.

It was a night made of dreams. We were both drunk on love, and the food was our
foreplay.

How could I have forgotten what
today was?

“Nina?” Stricken, I looked to Nina
for help.

She leaned forward and reached for my hands. I swallowed hard, not realizing how much this would hurt. This. All of it. My memory loss, the panic attacks, the way my mind played tricks on me. And where was Brian? Why the silence? Why did he leave me? Oh God, he left me, didn’t he? That was why he hadn’t come home. That was why it had only been Nina who’d talked to him. That was why she thought today would be so hard for me. He left me and I was all alone. Till death do us part. What happened to that
promise?

“I want to go home now.” I sounded like a child as I whispered my plea. I needed to leave. I
didn’t
understand the reason but it was all I could focus on. Home. My chest hurt; my heart raced as I reached for Grace and ignored Marcello, who stood there wringing h
is hands.