The Mandates (3 page)

2

ALWAYS GET THE CARD— DON'T GIVE THE CARD

(Or: At Least Control Freaks Don't Sit by the Phone Waiting)

You meet a desirable guy and soon sense mutual attraction. You make it through enough introductory talk to realize he is someone you'd like to know better, but for whatever reason, one or both of you needs to end the conversation. At the point where it is time to exchange information, what do you do?

There is always that awkward moment. Do you pull out a card and hand it over? Do you scribble your name on a matchbook with a pen borrowed from some bartender and slip it to your new friend before he leaves? At a party, do you write something provocative on a cocktail napkin and have it delivered by one of the caterers?

It is always best in situations like these to get the card.

Why? Three reasons:

It gives you a sense of mystery.
It shows interest in the other person, but it makes you seem more desirable, that you are in no rush to hand over information on yourself.

You get the control.
Were you a little buzzed at the time of the meeting? Want to decide hours later, after you have come to your senses, that Mr. Right was a martiniinduced mistake, not worth a follow-up? You can, as long as you haven't given him license to find you via phone, fax, e-mail, and courier.

No sitting by the phone!
You don't want to be, or even give off the perception of being, helplessly and passively waiting for anyone to call you.

There are advantages to restraint. There are also advantages to control. It is a good tactic to be fresh out of cards when Mr. Obnoxious just won't leave the party until he gets something, anything, with your handwriting or contact information on it. But when you are the one who wants Mr. Right's telephone number, don't put yourself in the position of waiting to be called by giving out your card.

This means that you will be the one doing the asking. Once you achieve your goal and get his card, it really doesn't matter if you give him yours or not. But if the chances that you will do something awkward are greater if you get the card, then hand yours over. For example, what if he asks you for your card first? It will be strange for you to say, “Sorry, Charlie, no cards on me,” have him give you his, and then mysteriously “find” one of yours in your left pocket.

Playing “cards” like this is a “who plays their hand first” Wild, Wild West scenario with precise timing. The stakes are high if you wait too long or get your bluff called.

Thirty-one-year-old Tony, research director for a major pharmaceutical firm, prides himself on his ability to assess a person's character. But he got really frustrated meeting men at parties and bars, giving them his card, and never hearing from them. “I knew we were hitting it off, so I offered my card because you never know how long you have to talk to someone at a cocktail party. Maybe he has other plans and has to leave, I don't know. So I wanted to be prepared. The guy would almost always smile and say he'd call, so I didn't feel the need to get his card.”

But maybe Tony was too prepared. Maybe he played his hand too quickly. And as he learned from experience, he should have taken more control. When he met a guy he liked, he thought that leaving their meeting with clarity about who would call was all that was needed. Tony thought that being aggressive precluded his being the “happy to sit by the phone and wait for the call” type. Wrong.

He is now a big believer that, when it comes to the “data swap,” it's more empowering for him to get the card first.

3

TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHEN TO SHUT THEIR MOUTHS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

When you are out carousing with friends and happen upon someone who makes your heart (and whatever else) flutter, you may find yourself suddenly back in high school, with commentary reverberating from all sides. Thanks to the gay gossip network, you may hear too many whispers in your ear about him, his life history, what he's like, and whom he's dated.

Or, worse, he may start hearing stories about you. This is when you tell friends to shut their mouths for your own good.

For instance, if your friends Bill and Gene pick up on your attraction to some new guy, they may just prop themselves next to him and start telling him stories all about you. The comments that “friends” get away with in this circumstance are nothing short of criminal.

These friends act under the guise of being your “agents,” ostensibly to build you up and sell you and your attributes to the new guy. They say things with a humorous twist because, after all, they can say anything as long as it is said in humor. This is the common and heinous “B-b-but I was only joking” defense so popular among passive-aggressives everywhere.

In front of dates I barely knew, I've had “friends” jokingly point out the social faux pas I made years ago, the disastrous last relationship I had (which they laughingly referred to as Nine Minutes), and the small scar on my leg that they continued to find so fascinating.

When you spot a potential new date in social settings with friends, focus on these three truths:

Friends should take vows of silence like Trappist monks.

Friends should be like children—seen and not heard.

Friends should have an immediate onset of TSAD (temporary social Alzheimer's disease), in which you look familiar and they can vouch for your strong character, but they retain no recollection of any specific incident, previous boyfriend, embarrassing moment, or unpleasant physical characteristic.

Perhaps during dinner with friends, you spot a hot man at the bar. Once dinner evolves into a drink at the bar (where the eye contact investment you made with Mr. Hottie has paid off) The Mandates must take over. You have to act before your friends get the chance to dish you to high heaven. It's times like this that make you wish you'd worn your Dolce & Gabbana, rhinestone-studded “Payback's a bitch and so am I” T-shirt to keep them in check.

How do you optimize the situation and not lose the new guy?

Be aware of what's important here.
What's important here is grabbing a few minutes alone with the prospect. You might love your friends dearly, they might be the first people you call from your honeymoon once you and the prospect hit it off, but right now they fit in like a banjo section in an orchestra.

Get rid of your friends if the situation
warrants it.
Write a note on a piece of paper and secretly slip it to the prospect. In the note, tell him that you are with a group of judgmental Mormon work colleagues, and that you are stepping outside to say good-night to them but would like to meet him back at the bar in two minutes.

Bring out the threat of retaliation.
In a quick but clear manner, go around the table from friend to friend as the dinner is ending, reminding each one of an embarrassing event that you will mention, if forced. Paybacks are hell. Make them realize that.

4

THE “HURRY UP BUT HOLD BACK” FACTOR— MEN WANT WHATTHEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT, DON'T WE?

“Don't be the rusher or the rushee” is an important motto for gay guys.

Men have been conditioned from birth to want what we want when we want it. We are rewarded for asking for what we want, and for pushing to get it as quickly as possible. And in a perhaps curiously American twist, we aren't allowed to feel that great about a victory unless we have earned it.

But when a man is pursuing another man, suspicions arise if the pursuit is too fast. Watching another man try to impress you, sweep you off your feet, and go through the paces to win you over is amusing for about a minute, but can quickly deteriorate into pity if he can't get a grip on his abject enthusiasm. “For God's sake, let me earn it before you worship me” might spring to your lips. On paper, having excessive compliments paid you might sound flattering, but chances are you'll either miss your participation in the hunt or feel played as if you were the TV and he were the remote. You might well lose interest completely. But don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. See if you can save the situation. See if the man flirting with you can curb his drool long enough for reciprocated attraction. What if he's a great guy who's given in to a brief but curable siege of adolescent hormones?

First, try using some self-deprecating humor. Try to find some shared human experience, so you'll be on a more even keel. If he can laugh with you laughing at yourself, the flirtation might be salvageable.

Bill, a thirty-two-year-old pumped-up advertising executive from Boston, gets aggressive “come-ons” from guys all the time, but he hasn't learned how to respond suitably to them. Even when the guy coming on to him is attractive, Bill gets embarrassed, looks away, freezes up, and acts generally annoyed. Sometimes in response to a come-on that makes him uncomfortable, Bill squeaks out a patronizingly pat “You, too!”—one of the most predictable, flirtation-killing responses of all time. In the future, Bill should relax and respond more playfully to a “too strong come-on” by saying something like “But you really want to know my mind, right?” or “You are a little delusional. I like that in a man.”

Second, try to change the subject and get the focus of attention off you (just briefly, of course). Pick a topic, start your discourse, and find out if your new fan is interested in more than just your seventeen-inch biceps. Why not cut to the chase and see if his infatuation can survive your cold but concise three-minute paraphrase of today's CNN headline news?

This works for twenty-eight-year-old hotel manager John from Dallas, who uses the “current events” bluff tactic to distract initial conversations away from awkward, premature focus on body parts. John says, “My way of dealing with new guys who only focus on the physical and start conversations with phrases like ‘Great arms!' is to turn into a gay Larry King and start a discourse on world events. You find out quickly if the guy has a brain, and if he's actually interested in you as more than a slab of meat.”

Finally, don't react strongly to any initial comments from a guy. Don't back off too quickly. But don't beam like the prom queen as you field compliment after compliment, either. Hesitating a little allows your object of affection to step up to the plate, realize you are nobody's pushover, and try a new approach with you.

5

EAGER BEAVERS GNAW QUICKLY, THEN DROWN

Be a Zen beaver . . . your dam will come.

I think we all like the poetic idea of a relationship evolving from a friendship that somehow catches fire. When I mention this to my gay Saturday-morning coffee klatch, after they stop laughing their asses off we all agree that this is as rare as finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.

We are hungry for a really good meal, but instead, we are the fast-food generation, expecting to see golden arches and drive-in windows along each stretch of the freeway of love. Many gay men—many men, in general—feel that romance should be fast and furious. You have a strong, immediate lusty thirst that must be quenched. And, for the majority of us with inherent male pride issues, we need to know immediately that the object of our affection wants us as well. Especially in this digital and cellular communications era, instant gratification just seems too slow.

Give it time! You don't always have to meet him and know instantly that he's the one. In fact, a sure sign that he may be the one is that sudden panic once you realize he is a serious contender. One of the downfalls of liking him is that you must then face your fears of inadequacy, intimacy, and commitment. Faced with a possible match, you naturally feel the desire to flee, heading south to the border.

Joel, a thirty-three-year-old science teacher from Long Island, says, “If he doesn't call you back for a week after you have sex, it's fifty-fifty whether he never wants to see you again or has fallen deeply in love.”

When I first started dating, I thought it was important to call someone the next day if I had a really great time, especially if sex was involved. I usually said, “I had a great time, hope to see you again soon.” What they'd hear was “I am so madly in love with you that I now claim all your free time as mine. Say good-bye to being single. I own you.”

Gay men are like straight men in this instance. Men just take longer to process a date. Men and women define the “acceptable amount of time to call after a date” differently. For many women, an acceptable amount of time is probably a couple of days (come on, ladies, don't lie and say it's longer). For a man, it can be a week, or longer.

Sadly, some expect relationships to be linear. That is, you meet, date a few times, fall in love, and spend all your time together. In truth, for gay men, a more workable model is that you meet, sleep together ASAP, date a few times, don't see each other for three months as you both “process” and date every man in sight to make sure you aren't missing anything, meet again by chance, date a few more times, sleep together the night before you both go on separate vacations with other friends, write a postcard here or there over the next two weeks, cancel at least three dates once you both get back, date a few more times, and a few years later—voilà, you are a gay success story with commitment ceremony, rainbow rings, and both of your mothers' silver settings newly earmarked in their wills.

Next time you are tempted to act too quickly during or after a date, remember these three “eager beaver” rules:

Leave an awkward moment alone.
As you are ending your date, don't compulsively say, “I'll call you.” It's a male “trigger gene” somehow embedded in our DNA that makes us do this. Take a moment and think about it all before saying anything. Look in his eyes and hear what he says. Then decide how you want to end the evening. Chances are, if there's no physical touching (e.g., hand holding, hand on shoulder, kiss) at this point, one or both of you might have dating doubts, in which case some distance keeps you from pushing the fledgling attraction over the edge.

If you don't talk to him for a week, don't get
bent out of shape or assume something's
wrong.
Forty-two-year-old Doug from New Jersey summed up the feelings of many guys I spoke with when he said, “I ruined potentially decent romances when I ran into the guy I went out with a couple of days later and acted insulted that we hadn't spoken. Yeah, I'm sure he really wanted to call me after I pouted on the street.”

Do not free-associate into his message
machine.
Practice the message first by calling from work or your cell phone and leaving it for yourself at home. I once left a date a five-minute message, in which I not only reviewed our date, but also debated the pros and cons of going out again, as if I were some modern gay Hamlet pondering whether a future date was “to be, or not to be.” Needless to say, it was not to be.