The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (184 page)

A battery has a positive side.

What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?

One is contract and the other is pay-as-you-go.

I met this bird in a bar. “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” I asked.

She replied: “Do not enter.”

I said: “Are you sure it isn’t ‘fat bird reversing’?”

My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always patronizing me. I really hate it when you finish my sentences.”

So I replied, “Period.”

How do you know when it’s time to wash the dishes?

Look inside your pants. If you have a dick, it isn’t time to wash the dishes.

So they can iron faster.

How do you stop a girl from falling off her bicycle?

Remove the saddle.

What’s the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?

One’s fat and has a moustache and smells of fish, and the other lives in the sea.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry foat.

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?

£2.50 a minute
.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights?

If she farts, her ankles swell.

Why do women have vaginas?

So men will talk to them.

What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?