The Male Brain (15 page)

The voice mail I received from Danielle had been left in my urgent box. She said, "Neil hasn't slept in days and I'm worried about him. Things at work are pretty bad right now."
As I soon found out, when the president of Neil's architecture firm announced that he was retiring, Neil felt as though he'd been punched in the gut. He and his boss had always worked well together, and Neil would not only miss their camaraderie, but also his backing in these fragile economic times. Even though Neil got along with Ben--the VP who would soon be the new president--he hadn't worked on many projects with him and didn't know him well. Until now, Neil's position had always seemed secure. But now there was an atmosphere of uncertainty as the pecking order was about to change. And Neil wasn't sure that the changes would be for the better.

At home, Neil, who typically demeanor, had morphed into a grouch. Lately, even when Danielle said something that would normally make him laugh, he'd scowl. This wasn't the Neil she knew. When he started tossing and turning all night, she begged him to come see me. When he came in, he said, "I have to keep as much control at work as I can, so I applied for the VP opening." But Neil wasn't the only applicant. Four of the other senior architects in the firm applied too--including Neil's biggest adversary, George.
had a rock-steady

Research has found that when men are in a stable hierarchy, their testosterone and cortisol are lower than when they're not, reducing their
tendency toward anger and aggression
. A male's tendency to violence can be either dialed up or
dialed down by social conditions
.

At least Neil has the stable marriage part
, I thought. But when the pecking order is thrown into question, as at Neil's firm, even calm men start pumping out more testosterone, cortisol, and vasopressin,
preparing them for turf wars
.

Neil said, "I was doing okay until I found out George was going after the VP promotion too. That's when I stopped sleeping."

If we could take a look inside Neil's brain as he reacted to this territorial challenge, we'd see bursts of testosterone, cortisol, and vasopressin flooding his circuits. As he tossed and turned in bed while thinking about how awful it would be if George became his superior, we'd see Neil's territorial fear circuits activating
in his hypothalamus and amygdala
. As he pounded his pillow into the right shape for the tenth time that night, his mind would be buzzing with ideas--all directed at beating George out of the job. These thoughts would be stimulating, instead of relaxing, the "sleep cells" in his suprachiasmatic nucleus, or SCN. Now Neil's eyes were wide open as he ruminated about the hierarchy at work.

Research shows that social hierarchies guide behavior in many species, including humans. The mental machinery for jockeying for position
is wired into the male brain
. Fierce male-male competition is found in animals as diverse as lizards, leopards, and elephants and it's ubiquitous in higher primates. Like human males, chimps will bluff, scheme, and even murder
to gain or maintain rank
. And like human males, they respond biologically to victories and setbacks. The testosterone that runs their competitive circuits ramps up
as they anticipate a confrontation
. Neil's brain was instinctively preparing him to do battle.

Evolutionary biologists suggest that behaviors like bluffing, posturing, and fighting have evolved to protect males, especially from
opponents within their own species
. Instinctive male-male competition and hierarchical fighting is driven by both hormones and brain circuits. A special hypothalamus, the dorsal DPN, has been discovered, in rats, to contain
circuitry for this instinctive one-upmanship
. In humans, this one-upmanship and drive for status-seeking is found in men worldwide; it's not just a habit or a cultural tradition but more like a design feature of the male brain. area in the male brain's

Neil's drive to maintain and gain status was occupying his every waking--and sleeping--moment. Danielle said she'd never seen Neil this sullen and angry. That's not surprising, for his testosterone was surging. And even if he wouldn't admit it, his brain knew that the confrontation would require more anger and aggression than he was accustomed to. Under normal circumstances, Neil preferred to be calm and relaxed, but he was willing to endure some nasty emotions if that's what it took to win the job he knew should be his.

The day of his first interview, Neil wasn't well rested, but he was determined to fake it. He put on a crisp white shirt and his red power-tie; he must look confident and in charge. When I saw him early that morning he looked sharp, and his jaw was firmly set. Testosterone clearly had activated his brain circuits and his manly facial muscles for dominance and aggression. Neil was in fight mode, and as far as his brain was concerned, this was war.

If we could peek back into Neil's brain in this atmosphere of unstable hierarchy, we'd see what was causing his emotional roller-coaster ride. When he thought his prospects for VP looked promising, we'd see his brain area for anticipating rewards activating, and he'd feel good. But when he thought George might get the promotion, we'd see his territoriality circuits in the DPN activating, and he'd feel haunted by the threat of losing face and forfeiting his place in the hierarchy.

The competition at work had become vicious, and Neil was obsessed with defending his territory. As he sat down in my office, he said, "The highlight this week was when my new boss, Ben, finally got fed up with George. He usually laughs at George's sarcastic comments. But yesterday George interrupted him in a meeting and Ben shot him a look that could kill. It was awesome." I was glad to see Neil in a more confident mood. As he left, he said, "My final interview for VP is next week. Wish me luck!"

It was several long weeks before Neil was finally offered the VP position, and when it happened Danielle and I both breathed a sigh of relief. But no one was more relieved than Neil. He could finally get some sleep. For Neil, the fight wasn't just about being the new VP; it was about beating the usurper, George, and defending his place in the hierarchy. By re-establishing a stable pecking order with himself at the top, Neil had achieved another milestone in manhood and set himself up for decades of continued career success.

JOHN, A fifty-eight-year-old business consultant, looked younger and more fit than when I'd seen him five years earlier. At that time, he'd been going through a difficult divorce, and the stressful side effects had been written all over him. Now he not only seemed more relaxed, but he exuded the self-assurance of a man who had finally come into his own--and knew it.

What was different about John at age fifty-eight? Nothing and everything. He had the same personality and brain circuits
he had in his thirties
. But now his highly responsive Maserati male brain--built for pursuit, competition, and aggression--was starting to run a different fuel mixture, more
suited to a luxury sedan
. And he was starting to enjoy his slightly slower pace. This difference is a normal part of the mature male brain, initiated by a shifting ratio of hormones. And as his hormones shifted, so would his reality.

John sat down in my office with a sigh and explained that he'd been dating an interior designer named Kate for the past six months. He said, "Everything's going great with Kate, but my oldest daughter, Rachel, is really upset. I'm not sure if it's because Kate and I are getting more serious or because Kate's just six years older than Rachel." At this point, John started shifting in his chair and raking his hands through his salt-and-pepper hair. Frowning, he said, "Kate is young, but I've never met anyone like her before. I feel so close to her already."

John said that with Kate he even liked doing things that he used to avoid with women, like holding hands and cuddling. The tenderness he felt for her was new for him. Men in their fifties and sixties, like John, are beginning to
make less testosterone and vasopressin
, and researchers have shown that the ratio of estrogen to testosterone
increases as men get older
. Hormonally the mature male brain is becoming more like the mature female brain. Some scientists believe that with a different balance of fuels running a man's brain, he may become more responsive to his oxytocin,
the cuddling and bonding hormone
.

As a matter of fact, in studies in which researchers gave oxytocin to men, it improved their ability to empathize and enhanced their capacity
to read subtle facial expressions
. (Welcome to
our
world, guys!) Thus, because older men have lower levels of testosterone and vasopressin, estrogen and oxytocin may have a
more dramatic effect on them
. It certainly seemed that way for John, now that he'd met Kate.

If we could have watched John's brain as he sat across from Kate at their favorite restaurant, we'd have seen many circuits responding just as they had in his thirties. His visual cortex would be lighting up and registering how beautiful Kate was. And when she looked at him admiringly, his RCZ--rostral cingulated zone, the area that registers others' opinions of us--would have activated, signaling that
she looked up to him
. When she toasted him for winning a competitive business contract, we'd see his reward circuits, the NAc and the VTA, pulsing with activity. But as he reached across the table to touch Kate's hand, he first carefully studied her face and gazed into her eyes, looking for clues about how she really felt.

As dinner continued, his visual cortex would activate again and again as his eyes returned to her full lips and slender neck. Soon we'd see his sexual brain circuits light up. And as he looked forward to the night ahead, we'd see his reward circuits flashing brightly with eager expectation.

But as the topic turned to his daughters and the future, we'd see his ACC, the anxiety and worrywart center, activate. He said, "Kate, you know how I feel about you, but I have to wonder if our age difference
is
too big. You know, you have your whole life ahead of you."

When Kate firmly reassured him, "I don't want a younger man. I want you, John," we'd see his ACC calm down. And when she said, "I've never had anybody listen to me and understand me like you do. Guys my own age can't do that," we'd see his reward center turning back on. This was music to his ears.

John's changing hormone levels were ushering in a kinder, gentler man. He still lost his temper when he got stuck behind "Sunday" drivers, but overall he was a little more patient and tolerant. His mature male brain was beginning to see the world more as it had when he was a boy, before the hormonal changes at puberty stimulated his circuits for anger and defense. And because he now had less testosterone, his oxytocin was having a bigger calming effect on his brain. This makes men a little less territorial, and they no longer feel compelled to fight so hard for their place in the pecking order. At this age, men even begin to risk showing more emotions without being so concerned about losing face. And they may also find themselves becoming more physically affectionate.

While cuddling had always seemed silly to John, now that his oxytocin was having a greater effect, he liked it. The skin-to-skin spooning that Kate liked to do before going to sleep now made him feel warm and content. John was no longer the unemotional robot that his ex-wife used to complain about. His new brain fuels were laying the groundwork for greater intimacy. And he said the sexual intimacy was the best he'd ever experienced. He found that with a younger woman, his sexual desire was reignited without using porn for the first time in twenty years. He was surprised by how much he liked pleasing Kate sexually; it was almost more important to him than his own pleasure. This was also new for him. Now he could slow down sexually, be a better
listener, and be more affectionate
. This hormonal turn of events can make men John's age become more like the ideal man that women say they want.

John's mature male brain was also changing his attitude at work. He had achieved the status of top dog in his industry years earlier, and now he could coast a little. His brain circuits for dominance and the drive to outdo other men were less intense
as his testosterone production declined
. He still fought for the Fortune 500 accounts, but victory at all costs was
no longer worth it to him
. During a man's midlife transition, he often isn't as motivated about fighting his way up the ladder. He knows his value. This development, which is usually attributed solely to psychological maturation, is also fostered by a new biological reality.