The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (90 page)

     There are many kinds of men and women as I have often been saying and some of one kind of them have more succeeding in them than others of that kind of them, some of that kind of them have more failing in them than others of that kind of them and some are very uncertain about whether there is succeeding or failing in them, it is an uncertain thing always about them to their ending.
     No one knowing Mr. Hersland up to the ending of his middle living, not any men knowing him then, not any of them could be certain whether he would be succeeding or failing in his completed living. Not any women knowing him then whether they were feeling power with him or in him or not feeling anything much about him, not his wife, not any governess or servant living in the house with him, not any woman managing him or not succeeding in managing him not any woman could be really certain about him before the ending of his middle living whether the beginning in him whether the being in him would be a completion of winning in him, or succeeding or failing in him. Not his children when they were angry with him for the impatient feeling that filled him and they knew then that he went away from men and from them and from women when he could not brush them away from around him, not his children when they were angry with him and told him how they knew the being in him, not his children then were completely certain in them, could be really certain whether he would be completing his living in succeeding or in failing. It is a very difficult thing, an exceedingly difficult thing to know it of very many men even when one is certain of all the being all the possible variations of repeating ever coming out of them, to be certain whether they will be succeeding or failing in living. It is an exceedingly difficult thing in very many men and very many women to know it of very many men and very many women, it is an exceedingly difficult thing to know it of them whether they will be succeeding or tailing in their living. One can know the complete being in them, all the repeating coming out from them and it is then still very often not before the ending of their middle living that one can be really certain whether they will be succeeding or failing in living. No one knowing Mr. Hersland in his middle living could have really been completely certain that he would never bring through to a completed beginning anything in his living. No one then not any one from any way of knowing not any man not any woman not any children could be really certain about him, not from any way of knowing him, not from knowing all the being in him, all the repeating ever coming out of him could have been really certain before the ending of his middle living that he would not be succeeding in living. At the ending of his middle living he was beginning not succeeding in living, he was beginning losing his great fortune.
     It is so very exceedingly a difficult thing to know about the going to be succeeding, the going to be failing in living in a very great many men and women, it is an exceedingly difficult thing although one can know of them all the being they have in them, all the variations of repeating of the being in them ever coming out of them. No one knowing Mr. Hersland up to the ending of his middle living, not any of the men knowing him, feeling him, seeing him, hearing him, hearing about him, working with him, working against, working with him some and against him some, not any man or any woman or any one of his children could really be certain about him before the ending of his middle living, from any way of knowing, from knowing anything about him or in him could really be certain that he would not be succeeding in living. At the ending of his middle living he was beginning not succeeding in living, he was beginning losing his great fortune.
     More it is certain that each one has his or her own being in her or in him and always in repeating in all their living it comes out of them and more and more of each one one comes to know of them all the possible variations in each one of the repeatings always coming out of them and each one then steadies down to be a whole one to some one watching and understanding. This is very certain, always each one has their own being in them and always each one is repeating the whole being in them and always then more and more some one can be certain about them the being in them the complete gamut of variation in the repeating of them. And always about very many of them even then it is an exceedingly difficult thing to know it of such a one, one is so then knowing, whether they will be failing or succeeding in living. I have been repeating again and again that no one knowing Mr. Hersland in his middle living, knowing Mr. Hersland before the ending of his middle living could really have been completely certain that he would, that he would not bring through to a completed beginning anything in his living, that he would be succeeding or failing in living. No one could be really certain about him about succeeding or failing in living until the end of his middle living. He was then beginning definitely not succeeding in living, he was beginning then really losing his great fortune. There will be more description of Mr. David Hersland, always more description of him, always in this history of many men and many women. There will be a little more and a little more description of him always in this history of many men and many women.
     It is an exceedingly difficult thing in very many women and in very many men to know it of them whether they will be succeeding or failing in living. I have been saying it very often about Mr. David Hersland, it is true about very many women and very many men of all the kinds there are of men and women. It was as I have been repeating what no one could tell for certain about Mr. David Hersland. No one could tell it about him before the ending of his middle living for certain, not any one, whether he would be succeeding or failing in living. At the ending of his middle living he was beginning not succeeding in living, he was beginning losing his great fortune.
     It is an exceedingly difficult thing to know it of any one whether they will be succeeding or failing in living. It is an exceedingly difficult thing to know it of any one. It is a very difficult thing to know the complete being in any one but always more and more it comes to be certain in each one one is knowing the complete being in them, sometime too it almost comes to be certain about them whether they will be succeeding or failing in living. In some it comes to be certain to some, to some one the complete being in them and still it is not a certain thing whether they will be succeeding or failing in living, Mr. Hersland as I have been saying again and again was one of such of them. There are always many of such of them in all the kinds there are of men and women. Mr. Hersland then was very completely such a one, Martha, his daughter, Mrs. Redfern was less completely such a one, it came very nearly being certain that she would not be succeeding in living but she might have been succeeding in living. It was not a certain thing, not completely a certain thing and it was not a certain thing that she was not succeeding in living not succeeding in living before the ending of her living.
     There will then be more description of Mr. David Hersland and always more description of him always in this history of many men and many women, there will be a little more and a little more description of him always being written, always in this history of a good many men and a good many women.
     There will be more description of Martha Hersland, Mrs. Redfern, written in the history of the ending of the living of Mr. David Hersland, her father, in the history of the living and the later living of her brother Alfred Hersland, in the history of her brother David Hersland and in the history of the ending of his living There will be always more history of her and it will later come to be part of the history of the ending of the existing of the Hersland family. There will be very much history written of the ending of all of them of the Hersland family written later.

ALFRED HERSLAND AND JULIA DEHNING

     I have been giving the history of a very great many men and women. Sometime I will give a history of every kind of men and women, every kind there is of men and women. Already I have given a history of many men and women. Sometime I will be giving a history of all the rest of them. This is now pretty nearly certain. I have been already giving the history of a very great many men and women, I will be now giving the history of a number of more of them and then of a number more still of them and then still of some more of them and then this will be the end of this history of very many men and women. Sometime then I will give a history of all of them and that will be a long book and when I am finished with this one then I will begin that one. I have already begun that one but now I am still writing on this one and now I am beginning this portion of this one which is the complete history of Alfred Hersland and of every one he ever came to know in living and of many other ones I will be describing now in this beginning.
     Sometime I want to understand every kind of way any one can have the feeling of being distinguished by the virtue they have in them. Sometime I want to understand every kind of way any one can have the feeling of being distinguished in them and every kind of thing that can give any one a feeling of such distinction of such virtue in themselves inside them.
     Being distinguished each one inside them by something, to themselves in their feeling, is very interesting. Being virtuous each one inside them by something, to themselves in their feeling is very interesting. Being right each one inside them by something to themselves in their feeling is very interesting.
     Many have a very certain feeling a sure feeling, about something inside them. Many have a certain feeling about something inside them. Many need company for it, this is very very common. Many need a measure for it, this will need explaining. Some need drama to support it, some need lying to help it, some love it, some hate it, some never are very certain they really have it. Certain feeling in men and women is very common.
     Some as I am saying have sure feeling in them, have honor in them and religion from the nature of them when this is strong enough in them to make it their own inside them. Some can make their own honor, some their own loving, some their own religion, some are weak and can do one thing, make one thing their own, some are strong enough and all of it, loving, honor, certainty and religion in them, all of it is some one else's, of some one else's making, some can just resist and not make their own anything, there are many of them. Some out of their own virtue make a god who sometimes later is a terror to them. Out of their own virtue they make a god who sometimes later is a terror to them. Some make some things like laws out of the nature of them, out of the nature of some other one. Some are controlled by other people's virtue, and then it scares them. Listen to each one telling about their own virtue and that grows to make a god for them, grows to be a law for them and often afterwards scares them, some afterwards like it, some forget it, some are it. Some honor what is right to them for them to be doing. Some separate honor from the doing of the thing, have it as a feeling.
     Some love themselves enough to not want to lose themselves, immortality can to them mean nothing but this thing. Some love themselves negatively, then impersonal future life is for them alright, a good enough thing. Some love themselves and others so hard that they are sure that they will exist even when they won't, they do to themselves exist even when they don't, these have a future life feeling an individual thing, some love themselves and they are it and that is all there is of it in them and they do not have future life in them to be an important thing. Men and women have being in them all of them when they are living. Many men and women have in them a feeling of future life in them, very many of them, some for this life, some for another life, some for both lives, this and another one, some have a stronger, some have a weaker feeling of themselves inside them, some have more, some have less loving in them for themselves than other ones have in them, some have more some have less loving in them for other ones than others have in them, some have more some have less feeling for some thing than other ones have in them and all these things in each one are part in them of the virtuous feeling, of the religious feeling they have in them each one, each man and woman, each one having man or woman being in them, each man or woman has some being in her or in him.
     I want to know sometime all about sentimental feeling. I want to know sometime all the different kinds of ways people have it in them to be certain of anything. These and virtuous feelings in each one, of themselves to themselves having virtue inside them, is to me very interesting. Always more and more I want to know it of each one what certainty means to them, how they come to be certain of anything, what certainty means to them and how contradiction does not worry them and how it does worry them and how much they have in them of remembering and how much they have in them of forgetting, and how different any one is from any other one and what any one and every one means by anything they are saying. All these things are to me very interesting.
     As I was saying virtuous feeling and being certain of anything is to me very interesting. Having virtuous feeling and any certain feeling, that is being certain of anything is to me very interesting in every one. Having certainty in them is in each one of the kind of way that their kind of men and women have it of having it in them. Having certainty in them is a thing very interesting in each one having a certainty of anything in her or in him. Certainty and virtuous feeling and religion these are to me all three just now very interesting. Shortly I will try to tell a little of the way some come to have their certainty in them. Some build certainty up with little and little sure things and make a pile of them, some are summary and all embracing in the certain feeling they have always in them, some are certain of almost anything, some are hardly certain of anything, some have to have a complete system for each certain feeling in them, some have certainty in them and they do not know it then in them, some have to have it come out of them as action and then they are not certain, some are certain only after there is not any more action in them from that certain thing in them, some have some action in them and then slowly they know they have certainty in them, some have to understand a thing to accept it and then afterwards they have certainty in them, some have hardly any certainty at all ever really in them, very many have very many certainties always in them, some have a sense of dramatic arrangement to complete the scene of the certain conviction the certain emotion they have in them and the complete scene changes for them with each new certainty they have in them. Certainty worries some and some never have certainty as a worry to them. Some have certainty by comparison, by comparing the thing they have then with what any other one they are knowing, hearing, seeing is having, some never compare anything with anything in any one, certainty is a real thing in some, in some of such of them as a little pile they are gradually increasing, in some as something that they keep there inside them always of the same dimension, in some as something they have because they are defending that thing, in some as something they have because they are attacking some one for that thing, in some as something that gives to them for that thing a stubborn feeling in them. Some need company to keep their certainty from freezing or melting or evaporating or in some way disappearing. Some do not know they have certainty in them, do not ever concern themselves with such a thing. Some have it, some do not have it in them. Some have it sometimes, some have it sometime in them. Some have it and do not know it. Some have it and do not know it until it is acting. Some are not certain then when it is acting that they have it in them. Some have it and lose it while they are speaking. Quite a number have it and lose it while they are speaking or acting. Some almost always almost have it and they do not have it just at the last moment before they are certain. Some are very energetic to express it but always they do not have it in them. Some are energetic to express it and they always almost have it in them. In some it passes very easily out of them. Very many lose it every second in their living. Some are always thinking they are losing this thing. Some need company to keep any certainty in them, some like company around them while they have their own certainty inside them, some need to have the certainty in the presence of the company that they need to have with them always in their living. Certainty and virtuous feeling and important feeling in men and women is very interesting. I wish I could know everything of any such thing I would then be a very wise one to every one.
     Some feel some kinds of things others feel other kinds of things. Mostly every one feels some kinds of things. The way some things touch some and do not touch other ones, and kinds in men and women then, I will now begin to think some about describing.
     It makes me a little unhappy that everything is a little funny. It makes me a little unhappy that many things are funny and peculiar and strange to me. It makes me a little unhappy that everything and every one is sometime a little queer to me. It makes me a little unhappy that every one seems sometime almost a little crazy. It does make me a little unhappy that every one sometime is a queer one to me. It does make me sometime a little uncertain, it does sometimes make me very uncertain about everything and always then it is perplexing what is certain what is not certain, who is a queer one, what is a funny thing for some one to be wanting or not wanting or doing or not doing or thinking or not thinking or believing or not believing.
     It does certainly make me a little unhappy that every one sometime is a queer one to me. It does certainly make me a little unhappy quite often that every one is really inside them or in thinking, in doing or in feeling or in believing a queer one. It certainly does make me an uncomfortable one and sometimes a little an unhappy, a gently almost melancholy sulky one that every one sometime is a queer one.
     More and more in living each one is certain that other ones have believing something in them that is almost an impossible thing for each one to believe that any other one can really be believing, any other one who is not a crazy one. Always more and more in living each one, every one is learning that other ones are believing something thinking something, that one thinks another one is doing something that one only would be doing if he is a crazy one and the other one is not a crazy one and the other one is believing a thing that to some one is not possible that any one not a crazy one could really be believing. This is a very common thing. This is a very common thing and very many more and more in their living come to a realising that other ones are believing things and it is more and more interesting and sometimes very depressing to any one of such of them that wants to be understanding the being in men and women. This then is as I am saying a very common thing that others are believing things that it seems absolutely impossible those ones should be believing and often it is altogether puzzling and more and more in living if any one is listening to other one's thinking and believing, more and more this is borne in on that one. Always it is very interesting, sometimes it is surprising, sometimes puzzling, sometimes depressing, sometimes a very funny thing and in every kind of a way always to one listening to other's repeating always more and more it is borne in on such a one.
     As I have been saying each one has their own being in them, each one has their own sensitiveness to things in them, each one is of a kind of them. Of each kind of them some are more completely themselves than others of their kind of them and this is now a very long discussion of the way being is in some and in others of one kind of them and then of being in some and in others of all the kinds of them all the kinds there are of men and women.
     Disillusionment in living is finding that no one can really ever be agreeing with you completely in anything. Disillusionment then in living that gives to very many then melancholy feeling, some despairing feeling, some resignation, some fairly cheerful beginning and some a forgetting and continuing and some a dreary trickling weeping some violent attacking and some a letting themselves do anything, disillusion then is really finding, really realising, really being certain that no one really can completely agree with you in anything, that, as is very certain, not, those fighting beside you or living completely with you or anybody, really, can really be believing anything completely that you are believing. Really realising this thing, completely realising this thing is the disillusionment in living is the beginning of being an old man or an old woman is being no longer a young one no longer a young man or a young woman no longer a growing older young man or growing older young woman. This is then what every one always has been meaning by living bringing disillusion. This is the real thing of disillusion that no one, not any one really is believing, seeing, understanding, thinking anything as you are thinking, believing, seeing, understanding such a thing. This is then what disillusion is from living and slowly then after failing again and again in changing some one, after finding that some one that has been fighting for something, that every one that has been fighting something beside you for a long time that each one of them splits off from you somewhere and you must join on with new ones or go on all alone then or be a disillusioned one who is not any longer then a young one. This is then disillusionment in living and sometime in the history of David Hersland the younger son in the Hersland family living then in a part of Gossols where they alone of rich people were living there will be completely a history of the disillusionment of such a realising and the dying then of that one, of young David Hersland then.
     This is then complete disillusionment in living, the complete realisation that no one can believe as you do about anything, so not really any single one and to some as I am saying this is a sad thing, to mostly every one it is sometime a shocking thing, sometimes a shocking thing, sometime a real shock to them, to mostly every one a thing that only very slowly with constant repetition is really a complete certain thing inside to give to them the being that is no longer in them really young being. This is then the real meaning of not being any longer a young one in living, the complete realising that not any one realty can believe what any other one is believing and some there are, enough of them, who never have completely such a realisation, they are always hoping to find her or him, they are always changing her or him to fit them, they are always looking, they are always forgetting failing or explaining it by something, they are always going on and on in trying. There are a very great many of them who are this way to their ending. There are a very great many who are this way almost to their very ending, there are a great many men and women who have sometime in them in their living complete disillusion.