The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (66 page)

     The resisting kind in men and women and how I feel it. They are it, they live it, sometimes I know it. Always sometime in each one sometime. I know it. I understand and I can tell it. I will wait a little longer before I tell very much about it. Now there will be only a little description of it. Slowly there will be a complete description of it, coming out of me, and sometime there will be written all any one knows of it. I know it and now I will tell a little of it.
     The resisting kind of being in men and women and how I feel it, how I know it in them. They are it, they live it, they repeat it, sometime I know it in them, this is now some description of the way I realise it.
     The bottom nature in many then is of the dependent independent kind of being there can be in men and women, these have resisting fighting as their natural way of winning. In such of them reaction is not quick and poignant in them, in such of them emotion has not the poignancy of a sensation. I know it in them, always sometime I know it in them, often it is hard to know it in them from the mixing of the other kinds of nature in them. Perhaps now I will give just a little description of it, later I will give more description of it. I understand it and I can tell it. I will wait a little longer before I tell very much about it. Now there will be only a little description of it. Slowly there will be a complete description of it coming out of me and sometime there will be written all any one knows of it. I know it and now I will tell a little of it.
     Resisting being in men and women. This is now then a little a description of my realising resisting being in men and women. This is then now a little description of my realising resisting being in some.
     There are many that have resisting being in them as a bottom nature to them, sometimes I know it in them. There are many then that have it, I know it and sometime I tell it, they are all of them showing it in the repeating they are all of them doing all their living, sometime I know it in each one of them, sometime I know it and sometime I tell it. There are many that have it, that makes all of them one kind of men and women. I know it in them in each one of them of men and women I am ever knowing who have it and sometimes I understand it, I know it and understand the action of it in each one of them that have it, in each one of them that I come to know of that kind of men and women. There are many then that have it, about half of all men and women are of the kind of men and women having resisting being as a bottom nature in them, the rest of them mostly have attacking being in them. This is a general division. I understand a good deal of it, I can tell more and less than I understand of it. I am now going to tell less and more than I understand of resisting being as a bottom nature in many men and women who have it.
     Resisting being then as I was saying is to me a kind of being, one kind of men and women have it as being that emotion is not as poignant in them as sensation. This is my meaning, this is resisting being. Generally speaking then resisting being is a kind of being where, taking bottom nature to be a substance like earth to some one's feeling, this needs time for penetrating to get reaction. Those having attacking being their substance is more vibrant in them, these can have reaction as emotion as quick and poignant and complete as a sensation. Generally speaking, those having resisting being in them have a slow way of responding, they may be nervous and quick and all that but it is in them, nervousness is in them as the effect of slow-moving going too fast and so having nervous being, nervous being in them is not the natural means of expression to such of them, some have quick response in them by the steadily training of themselves to quicker and quicker reaction and some of them in the end come to seem to have quick reaction as their natural way of being, mostly in such of them this is a late development in them and that is natural from the kind of being in them. Attacking being often has nervousness as energy as a natural way of active being in them, often these then lose the power of attacking with the loss of nervousness in them. There are so very many ways of knowing these two kinds in men and women. I know so very many of them, I will not now tell of very many of them. Mostly the resisting being when they have conservative being in them have it from not having the activity of changing, the attacking kind of being have conservative sense in them from convictions, traditions, they are attackingly defending. Mostly those having in them resisting being have more feeling of objects as real things to them, objects have to them more earthy meaning than to those who have attacking as their natural way of being. Mostly then objects to those having attacking being as their natural way of being have for them meaning as emotion, as practically to be using, as beauty, as symbolism, that is to many of them their natural way of seeing anything they are knowing, to those who have resisting being as their natural way of being an object is it itself to them, the meaning, the use, the emotion about it, the beauty, the symbolising of it is to such of them a secondary reaction, not altogether at once as in those having in them attacking as their natural way of being. So then those having resisting being have also in them passive adaptability strongly in them when they are not really resisting while those who have attacking being are generally more active in adapting, they may have yielding in them or stubbornness or sensitive responsiveness in them when not attacking they have not generally speaking passive adaptability in them. They are very different then the attacking and the resisting kind in men and women. This division has real meaning. Sometime when I am all through all my writing, when all my meaning, all my understanding, all my knowing, all my learning has been written, sometime then some will understand the being in all men and women.
     I am all unhappy in this writing. I know very much of the meaning of the being in men and women. I know it and feel it and I am always learning more of it and now I am telling it and I am nervous and driving and unhappy in it. Sometimes I will be all happy in it.
     I know it and now I begin again with telling it, the way I feel resisting being in men and women. It is like a substance and in some it is as I was saying solid and sensitive all through it to stimulation, in some almost wooden, in some muddy and engulfing, in some thin almost like gruel, in some solid in some parts and in other parts all liquid, in some with holes like air-holes in it, in some a thin layer of it, in some hardened and cracked all through it, in some double layers of it with no connections between the layers of it. This and many many other ways there are of feeling it as the bottom being in different ones of them; different men and women have resisting being as their natural way of being, always I am looking hard at each one, feeling, seeing, hearing the repeating coming out of each one and so slowly I know of each one the way the bottom in them is existing and so then that is the foundation of the history of each one of them and always it is coming out of each one of them.
     This then this bottom nature in them, the way it is made in them makes the bottom history of them, makes their way of being stupid, wise, active, lazy, continuous, disjointed, is always there in them, in some their kind of them is more, is less, is the same all through their living, is more or less affected by the other nature or natures in them if they have other nature or natures in them, can be stimulated or hurried or slowed hut never really changed in them, can come very nearly to be changed in them, can never really be changed in them, really not ever to my knowing, really not ever really changed in them. This then is very certain and now to speak again of attacking being. Attacking being as I was saying has it to be that emotion can be as quick, as poignant, as profound in meaning as a sensation. This is my meaning. I am thinking of attacking being not as an earthy kind of substance but as a pulpy not dust not dirt but a more mixed up substance, it can be slimy, gelatinous, gluey, white opaquy kind of thing and it can be white and vibrant, and clear and heated and this is all not very clear to me and I will now tell more about it.
     This is the way I am thinking of it. In the one in which I first learned to know it it was like this to me. It was like this to me in the first one I came to know it, the substance attacking being is, in its various shaping. In this one it was so dull, so thick, so gluey that it was so slow in action one almost could think of it as resisting but it was not resisting earthy dependent independent being, it was attacking, stupid, slow-moving, it was independent dependent being, it was a different substance in its way of acting, reacting, of being penetrated, of feeling, of thinking than any slow resisting dependent independent being and now there is to be here a very little explaining of how I know this as a kind of being.
     In this one then, as I was saying it was attacking being but very slowly getting into motion but not because it the stimulation was lost into it and had to be remade out of it but because it being shaken it was a slow mass getting into action. I know this distinction, it has real meaning, I am saying it again and again and now I begin again with a description.
     This then the attacking being was first clear to me in one having it as a slow, stupid, gelatinous being that when it got moving went on repeating action, never could get going any faster, had a nervous anaemic feeling that was part of its getting moving and keeping going. The resisting medium has a different kind of action as I was explaining. Now this attacking being when it is vibrant can be nervous and poignant and quicker than chain-lightning, there can be to it a profound complete reaction having the intensity of a sensation. Its sensitiveness is different in kind from that of the resisting kind of being, its sensitiveness is quivering into action not a sensitiveness just existing, but this is all too much to be now explaining, wait and I can tell it, clearer, always it has to be told as it has been learned by me very slowly, each one only slowly can know it, each one must wait for little pieces of it, always there will be coming more and more of it, always there will he a telling of every way the two kinds of being are different in everything and always it is hard to say it the differences between them, always more and more I know it, always more and more I know it, always more I come back to begin again the knowing of it, always I will tell it as I learned it, sometime I will have told all of it, always I am telling pieces of it, more and more I will know it, more and more I will tell it, sometime it will be clear to some one and I will be then glad of it.
     This then is attacking being to me, this then was the way it came first to be clear in me, in one in whom it was slow moving, and in others then I knew it when it was quick and poignant and complete and I saw it, and I knew it as the same substance as this slow moving mass and in all its forms of acting more and more then I knew it. In some as I was saying it is as emotion, in some it is as passion, in some it is as sensitive responding; it has a way of thinking, loving, acting, different in kind from that of resisting being and some time, and it is a very long time too I know it now I am beginning telling all I know all I am always learning, sometime there will have been a complete description of these two kinds of being.
     In some then this quick and poignant and profound reaction has to break through a resisting being lying on it and then it is very interesting in the changing in the action it takes to get through the covering, sometimes it is in some more quivering vibrant at the bottom than through the rest of it and then it is lighted and set in motion the rest that of itself never has more activity than quivering by the more vibrant part at the bottom, sometimes all of it is not more active ever than quivering, this is true in some, in some it is all vibrant and completely poignantly passionately acting, in some its nervousness its most vigorous action, in some it is a big mass always slowly moving but would like to stop acting and a resolute will, a mind, a conviction, education in such a one keeps it moving, sometimes it stops moving, there are so many ways, there are such a various kind of mixing that can be in any one, sometime there will be a history of each one, sometime there will be a description of all the ways resisting being can be in any one, all the ways attacking being can be in any one.
     This then is then one way I have been seeing kinds in men and women, the way I see the bottom natures and other natures in them. Always I see them as kinds, always as kinds of substance and ways of that substance being in them as bottom nature. Sometime all this will be clearer. This is then the way I see kinds in men and women. This then makes every one sometime a clear one, a whole one to me, this is now soon to be more description of such learning by me, of such understanding of the being in men and women.
     As I was saying often for many years some one is baffling; the repeated seeing, hearing, feeling of the being in them does not make clear the nature of the bottom being in them. Sometimes for many years some one is baffling and then it is clear in that one and then by resemblances between that one and other ones many are clear then. This is now some description of such learning. This will be now little short descriptions of learning six of them and how knowing others before helped with these and how knowing these helped with others later. This is now then a little more of preliminary studying.
     There are many that I know and always more and more I know it, they are all of them repeating, they are all of them in some way resembling one to others of them, more and more I understand it, sometimes in each one I know the bottom nature in them, sometimes in each one I know all the natures in them, sometimes each one is a whole one to me, sometime of each one there is a complete history to me.
     There was one then, this one was not baffling for such a long time, this one was of the resisting kind of them.
     Sometime each one comes to be a whole one to me. Sometime the bottom nature in each one, the other nature or natures in each one, the mixing or not mixing in them of the natures in them comes to be clear in each one, each one then is a complete one, each one then keeps repeating the whole history of them.