The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (117 page)

     I like very well to know it of each one what kind of living they have been, they are doing, they will be doing in living. I like knowing the living in each one. I like to listen to any one, I like to hear the living they have in them, I like to know the kind of feeling, thinking, doing each one has in her, has in him. I like to hear everything. I like to know all living. I like to know the living in any one. I like very much to be realising every kind of living. I like very much to be realising in each one the living they had, they have, they can have in them. I like so very much to be really feeling every kind of way there is of having living feeling. I am always more and more realising that not any living any one ever is or was describing is not existing. There are so very many kinds of ways of living, of feeling living always existing. I like always to be listening to stories of feeling living. More and more and more there are to me many kinds of ways of feeling living. I am remembering my beginning feeling kinds in feeling living. I am certain I cannot ever be realising any more kinds of living, of feeling living than I will have been hearing from some describing. I certainly never will be knowing all the kinds of ways there are of feeling living. Of that I am really certain, lam always feeling I can perhaps not certainly but still possibly come to be realising pretty nearly all the kinds there are in men and women. Perhaps I cannot but I certainly have a very good deal such a feeling. I certainly am knowing I certainly will not be realising very many kinds of ways of feeling living. I have just been a little beginning this thing, realising kinds of ways of feeling ways in living. I am realising fairly well the Dehning family way of living. I have a pretty helpless feeling with feeling all the kinds of ways there are of living, of feeling ways of living, of having ways in living. I feel like one a little beginning and certainly not going to be making very much of progressing. I am remembering I always was very halting in realising ways of living, ways of feeling ways of living. I am learning but not really grasping these things in me, that is certain. I am loving to be knowing all the kinds there are in men and women, all the being each one has in him all his living. I am being then a very happy one in knowing kinds in men and women, in being certain that sometime there will be written a complete history a complete description of all the kinds there are in men and women. I am completely then living in being certain of kinds in men and women, in each one having their own being in them, in being certain that sometime some one will be knowing certainly all the being each one has in living, all the kinds there are in men and women. This is then complete being in me, complete living in me, the kinds there are in men and women, the kind of way each one has in that one to he naturally loving, working, feeling, anything, everything. I have in me completely halting learning in realising ways of living in men and women. I have learnt some. I am learning now some more, a fair number more from some one. I am haltingly learning, beginning learning this thing, I am remembering how each kind of way of living was a thing not real and having been needing that I should be convincing myself that it really was really an existing way of really living. I have not with ways of living that slow openness of steady realisation, that joy in always being certain that it is repeating, I know ways of living are repeating, I am not realising them as repeating, I know it of them, I do not really truly feel it in them. I do not know whether I am clearly expressing now a feeling. I will sometime begin again telling how I am not really realising ways of living.
     I am realising each one always sometime. And just now I am seeing each one having something, some kind of thing in them that is interesting that I was not naturally seeing they were, having. That is making for me a new way of feeling living. I do not know whether I am liking this thing. I am of the resisting kind in men and women. I am not very certain I am liking it that I am beginning a realising a quite new way to me of feeling living. As I was saying it is not a natural thing to me to be realising ways of feeling living. It is a natural thing to me to be realising in each one some being, a good deal of being, sometimes all the being they have or can have or did have in them. To me ways of feeling living is different in some having in them almost quite completely the same way of being. As I was saying the Dehnings had in them very rich right American living. That is then one way of feeling living. As I am saying I have all my life not naturally been learning realising ways of feeling living. I am now being taught by some one that some have a way of feeling living that I have not ever been realising. I like it although it is to me upsetting learning anything I am not naturally learning. I have been learning all my living very much that to me was upsetting as being not to me a natural thing to be learning. If it is to me completely a not natural thing to be learning I certainly am ending with not having been learning that thing, I will be knowing sometime whether it is not a completely not natural thing for me to be learning to be realising, ways of feeling living with different kinds of living.
     The Dehnings then were then living, very pleasantly, quite entirely decently, not very aggressively, pretty freely, quite contentedly, fairly advancedly, thoroughly generously, quite gaily, pretty entirely cheerfully, right very rich American living.
     As I am saying I am learning just now to be seeing in each one things that are interesting in them that it is not certainly easily natural for me to be observing, realising of them. This is leading to being more open to realising ways of feeling living that are different to different kinds of ways of living. I like seeing things in each one that are interesting, I even in a way like learning seeing a new way of seeing new, to me, things in them. I like it in a way I say, I find it hard to let myself not resist at all to this thing. I am resisting, I am too doing this thing. Sometime I will know what I am now doing. That is just now to me a little a comforting thing. I am beginning again going on telling the history of the Dehning family living, of Julia Dehning, of her marrying and loving and living and learning or not learning.
     The Dehnings liked living. They all did that thing very well, quite well as people go, in doing this thing. They all of them all of the Dehnings liked very well being in living. They all had in a way some sense for living. This is to be now some history of all of them and of the living in them.
     They all quite entirely liked living, all five of them. They all went on living up to the end of their living. This is to be now the history of each one of the five of them, of all of them. This is to he now a history of Dehning family living, of Mrs. Dehning and Mr. Dehning and Julia and George and Hortense Dehning. I am beginning now this history of all of them. I am beginning now with Julia Dehning, in her family living, in her married living, in all of her living. There will be all the time then now a description of the living of all of them of the Dehning family living then. I am beginning now again.
     Some have all their living nervous being, nervous feeling. Julia Dehning had quite a great deal of nervous being the bigger part of her living. Some have nervousness from sensitive being in them, some do not have nervousness from sensitive being in them. Some have nervousness from ambition in them. Some have nervousness in them pretty nearly all of their living. Some do not have nervousness in them in their living and then it comes to be in them and then they come to be dead ones or perhaps really crazy ones and it is a very difficult thing to know it of some one whether nervousness is just nervousness or will be something stronger in them. Very many have very much nervousness in them all of their living. Some have nervousness from sensitiveness in them, some from ambition in them, some do not have nervousness in them most of their living. Julia Dehning was not such a one. Julia Dehning had nervousness a good deal in her in her living, it was not in her from sensitiveness, it was not in her from ambition, it did not come to be more strongly in her, it was always all her living a good deal in her, it was not excitement in her, it was attacking being in her being resisting to any changing of her way of having attacking being. This was in her all her living. This is now to be some history of her.
     Living having meaning to any one doing living, being living, this is a thing very many are feeling, being certain in, denying. As I was saying Mr. Dehning and Mrs. Dehning had each one of them in their own way sense for living, in some way living had in them for them really meaning. Mrs. Dehning was saying when trouble came to them she could not really understand it that any one having been so reasonably charitable to every one should have it that things should happen to their children but always then she would go on being a good woman because she was always certain to do this thing, so she was saying. And later then when her children were not thinking about her being in her in living she did not then see any reason why she should go on thinking about what it was, all that she could do for them and with their father for them but certainly she would be going on doing everything for certainly she always was a little certain she would go on doing everything. She had then as I was saying sense for living. She was of the attacking kind in men and women, she was nervous with being one attacking without needing, without feeling winning, she was nervous with being not following not leading in her children's later living, she was not nervous with winning attacking in living her living with Mr. Dehning, with many men and many women, she was nervous with very much attacking and this she had always in being with harsh attacking for not any winning, she was not nervous in being a gay one in living, she was nervous with not following and not leading in her children's later living. Mr. Dehning was not a very nervous one, he was a nervous one in dying, in being a sick one for dying, he was a nervous one in sudden action in being one not warm enough for living in his later living. Mostly in his living, in his broad careful even resisting, in his listening to any one who wanted to do anything, in his feeling that sometime each one should do a right thing, he was not nervous in living. Julia Dehning was a good deal of her living a nervous one. This is to be now some history of such a one, of some of such of them.
     The Dehning family living was then a fairly free very rich very decent right American living. As I was saying in the beginning of telling Dehning family living, the Dehnings liked country house living, they liked very well fairly free, perfectly decent, quite generous very rich right American living. They certainly did live this thing.
     Julia was then the oldest of the Dehning children, George was considerably younger and Hortense was a good deal younger than George Dehning, Julia was then the beginning of Dehning completely American living. This is a description of her being and of her living, of her loving and of her marrying, and of all of her living. Julia then was an American. Julia had her own being in her, she was of a kind in men and women. This is to be now a description of being in her and of living in her.
     Each one is inside them being that one. Mostly every one has some way of feeling living in them. Each one has ways in them that are in other ones living with them.
     Mostly every one has living having some kind of meaning to them. Very many like it that they are doing something, living, working, loving, dressing, dreaming, waking, cleaning something, being a kind of a one, looking like some one, going to be doing something, being a nice one, being a not nice one, helping something, helping some one, winning, conquering, losing, forgetting, being an influence in being a living one being a dead one, having courage to be going on living, having a troubled living, being a worried one, cleaning themselves all their living, learning something, beginning something, forgetting something, ending something, liking old things, leaving something, liking everything, liking pretty nearly nothing, being disgusted with everything, liking new things, leaving pretty nearly nothing, liking changing, liking being a quiet one, liking fighting, being one making a peace between all men and all women, and all women, and all men, lighting things out to finishing, being honest in living, being failing for a reason, being just failing, being just succeeding, being lucky, being an unlucky one, being a really completely successful one, being one submitting to everything, being loved by every one, being one submitting to almost nothing, being one certain that one should be one submitting to being a good one, being hated by a good many who come to know them, being certain of spending money, of being saving, being one loving god, being one loving living, being one loved by god always in being living, being one loving god and living, being one needing religion, being one not needing anything for living, being one not needing any one, being one not needing any religion to support them, being one afraid in living, being one always shivering with living, being one not having any realisation of shivering in living, being one liking eating, being one liking thinking, being one liking waking, being one certainly not afraid to be dying, being one liking starving, being one liking to do anything, being one liking to be resting, being one liking working, being one certainly not afraid of doing anything, being one liking to be in pain for themselves or some one, being one liking cold days in out door living, being one liking rainy days around them, being one liking hot sunshine on them, being one certainly not afraid of anything, being one getting sick with cold or hot or raining weather on them, being one not liking any fresh air on them, being one not able to be breathing without much fresh air on them, being a funny one, being one not liking funny ones, one not liking queer ones in living, being one liking swimming, being one tired of ocean bathing before they have really been in more than twice in a season, being one excited with learning anything, being one needing everything because anything was food to living for that one, being one being excited at leaving anything, being one learning always a little something, being one not thinking very much about anything, of any one. There are all these ways then of having living having meaning and there are innumerable other ones, do not crowd so on me all the other ones, I know very well there are very many other ones, I know very well I am not knowing all the ways men and women are feeling living, I know very well I am not knowing all the ways any one can have living have meaning. I know very well I do not know all these things. I know very well I could be very happy knowing everything. I know I am quite a happy one knowing something of being. Now I am always hearing of ways some have of feeling living and they come crowding and I am resisting so that I can be slowly realising and always I am knowing I can never really be knowing all the ways there are of feeling living, all the ways there are of having living having meaning. I am knowing something of kinds of being in men and women, I could know sometime, if I could know completely all I could be knowing, all the kinds there are of men and women. I am comforting now my feeling by saying this thing in my complete feeling again and again. I am beginning now a history of living, of feeling living, of living having meaning in Julia Dehning and Alfred Hersland. I have been telling something of the kind of being each one of them had in them. I will tell very much more about the being each one of them had in them.