The Makeover (22 page)

“Did you ever
go to church or pray to seek
Him
or just His help?”

Phoenix froze,
unsure.  She knew what Paulo was driving at, but she wasn’t quite ready to
take the ride.  She jumped up and paced.  “Yeah, well, what in the
world is the difference?  Besides, you didn’t answer my question. 
What about the Bible saying ‘ask and ye shall receive?’”

“The Bible also
says, ‘seek ye the kingdom of Heaven first and all things shall be added unto
you,’” Paulo countered, as he stood to retrieve his own glass of iced
tea.  “I believe if you seek
God
first, meaning come to Him, build
your relationship with Him through Christ, He will give you the desires of your
heart, at least the ones that are according to His will.”

“And what if it
isn’t His will to help me get past these failures?”

“Then He will
help you set new goals…the goals He set for you long ago.”

“And just like
that, I will suddenly have the life I want.”

Paulo almost
spit out his tea and began to chuckle.  “Who said that?  I know there
are some preachers that say differently, but God isn’t a genie who stands ready
to grant your wishes.  He’s not your employee either.  He is the
living, sovereign God who causes His purpose to happen no matter what. 
You want to be really happy?  Seek God.  Seek
His
plan for
your life.  Let what you want become what
He
wants, and then you
will have a life you can’t even imagine.  Will there be challenges? 
Of course!  We live in a world that is pretty much full of darkness. 
We live with attacks from the devil all the time.  And there are times
when God tests us, to make us stronger and better.  So life will not be
easy.  But it will be right.  And you will have peace, Phoenix. 
You’ll have a peace that surpasses all understanding.”

Phoenix sat
down and stared at her wall for a long while, trying to find a way to refute,
rebut, resist…reestablish control over the conversation, but she had lost
control a long time ago.  She wanted to scoff at Paulo’s words but could
not.

“What are you
thinking Phoenix?”  Paulo had reclaimed his place by her side.

“I don’t
know.  I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t think you really understand
what I feel.”

“Try me.”

“You have no
idea what it’s like for me.  Nothing I do ever seems like the right
thing.  It’s not just my body issues or issues with my looks.  It’s
my work, my education, and every single one of my relationships.  It’s
everything I’ve ever wanted to achieve.  You say God can help me. 
But I don’t know how.  I know that He can
,
but I don’t know if he
cares enough to help
me
, especially after all the things I’ve done
wrong.”

“Oh, Hun, why
would you ever think He wouldn’t want to help you?”

“Because He
hasn’t!”

“But you are
still here, Phoenix.
 
You are still
trying.  You are still working, still in school, still living. 
That’s God’s help right there.”

“But I keep
failing.”  Tears threatened to fall from her eyes again but she blinked
them away.  “I hear you about God.  But if only God could help me get
past myself.  I’m in my own way and I don’t know why I’m blocking my own
path.  It’s like there is a brick wall surrounding my life.  I try to
get along with my family—brick wall.  I try to move forward in my
career—brick wall.  I try to finish my education—brick wall.  I try
to lose weight, eat healthy, dress well—brick wall.  I try to love and be
loved—brick wall.  No matter what I try to do, no matter how I try to do
it, no matter how much I pray through it, I always fall short.”

Paulo grabbed
her hand and squeezed.  “Oh, Phoenix, please don’t—” 

“Do you know
what that’s like, to live with so many barriers?  To be your own
barrier?  And no matter what, I can’t go around it, can’t rise above it,
can’t knock it down, or walk through it.  It doesn’t matter how hard I
try.  And I can’t do it anymore, P.  I can’t keep trying, or keep
fighting.  What I wouldn’t give to have someone fight for me—”

God is
fighting for you and so am I,
Paulo silently responded.

—“and what I
wouldn’t give to have someone love me enough to put up with me, to deal with my
mess, just like I would for them.  I can see what people think of me in
their eyes.  I can see they cannot believe how unattractive I am to
them.  There is disbelief there when they start out with my nappy head and
work their way down to by overgrown, flat feet.  Before I can open my
mouth to explain myself, to
introduce
myself, they’ve already decided
that I ain’t worth the time to hear what I
gotta
say.  No one wants to give me a chance.  No one wants to give me five
minutes to find out if I’m worthy of being around them.”

“Phoenix, those
types of people are not worth being around
you.
”

“
Naw
, Man.  You don’t get it, standing there in your
tall, chiseled physique.  Your skin is like golden silk.  Your curly
hair isn’t nappy.  I bet if you were a female, you would be beautiful
too.  You don’t know what it’s like to be me.  To be ugly.  To
be rejected.  To be alone.”

Paulo wanted to
correct her in so many ways, to warn her against jumping to conclusions about
him, but the Spirit kept him silent. 

Phoenix shook her
head.  “You’re gorgeous, Man.  You have no idea what’s it like not to
be.  To be alone because of it.  For years I’ve felt alone. 
I’ve felt like I was trapped in a room with the rest of the world.  They
are all on one side of the room and I am on the other.  I reach out to
them, but there is some invisible line I can’t cross.  The rest of the
world is loving each other, hugging, partying, hooking up, making friends,
chit-chatting, being fabulous with each other, and I stand on the other side,
unable to cross this invisible line.  Can anyone see me on the other side
of that room?  I mean really see me?  No, ‘cause all they see is that
my skin is broken out, that my complexion is too dark, and that my belly is
bigger than the rest of me.  No one wants to take a closer look.”

Paulo stepped
closer to Phoenix and looked down into her face.  She looked away. 

“And no one
wants to hold me, Paulo.” 

He reached for
her arm, intent on folding her into his arms again.  But she again eluded
his grasp, trapped in her world of defeat. 

“What I
wouldn’t give, Paulo, to have someone take a look at me.  What I wouldn’t
give for someone, anyone, to even glance at me without disgust or repulsion in
their eyes.  What I wouldn’t do to be able to start a conversation without
being dismissed before the very first word…” she trailed off and looked at the
fading Indian summer light out the window.  “But I can’t cross the
invisible line, Paulo.”

I am right
here for you, Phoenix,
Paulo thought sadly.  Out loud, he said, “Yes,
you can, Hun.  Because God is that line.  If you walk to Him,
He
will
get you over to the other side of that lonely room.  God may actually put
you in a more beautiful room, filled with better people.”

“How is He
going to do that?” Phoenix turned from the window to look at the man whose eyes
were suddenly downcast and weary.  “How, Paulo?”

“I’ve already
explained it all to you six weeks ago.  It’s up to you now to accept His
help.”

“So if I do
this, again… if I really try, are you promising me that I will not fail?”

“With God on
our side, doing things His way, I can promise that
He
will not
fail.  But you have to decide to trust Him.  You have to seek
Him.  You want healthy relationships?  Start with a healthy
relationship with God.  He’ll do the rest.”

When Phoenix
did not answer, Paulo asked his Father,
How am I doing, Lord?

You are
my son, in whom I am well-pleased
,
the Lord whispered, giving
Paulo a spiritual pat on the back.

Satisfied that
he had finally done what God had called him to do, Paulo began to relax. 
The tension peeled away from his shoulders like the browned skin of a ripe
banana.  He quietly began to clear the dishes from Phoenix’s table and
went into the kitchen to clean up.

When he
returned, Phoenix was sitting on the couch with a wavering smile on her
face.  “You did so much for me.  You didn’t have to clean up.”

“Unlike
some
people, I like to finish what I start,” Paulo smirked good-naturedly. 
“Besides, I think you’ll need more than a teaspoon of ginger to put a pep in
your step.”

Phoenix laughed,
glad that the heavy conversation would not end on a bad note.  “So what
are you about to do for the rest of the evening? We’ve been trapped here for
five hours.”

“I have a lot
to do before tomorrow evening’s Bible study.  I also have several clients
to see in the morning.  I wish I could say you would be one of them, but…”
Paulo shrugged and stared at Phoenix, praying for her as he did.

“Yeah, okay,
I’ll be there.”

“You’ll meet me
downstairs at five in the morning?”

“Yup.” She
paused then groaned.  “Five?  Really?”

“Five,
Hun.  Are you sure?  I don’t want to be buzzing your door for a half
hour every day, like I did when I first tried to help you follow through on
this plan to get you in shape.”

“I know. 
I’m sorry I avoided you.  I’m sorry that I left you out there for so many
mornings.  I was surprised you kept coming back for two weeks, but I
couldn’t face you.”

“You’re facing
me now.”  Paulo walked over to Phoenix and gave her another hug, again marveling
at how soft she felt against him.  He pulled her close, enjoying how
relaxed and comfortable she made him feel.  It reminded him of the full,
strong hugs he received from his
avó
, his short and stout grandmother, as a child. 

Yet…

Yet, these hugs were
not
a grandmother’s hug.  And Paulo
knew it because his heart never thumped as wildly when he pressed against his
avó’s
frame. 

Paulo closed
his eyes and enjoyed the feel of this beautiful woman against him.

And she was.

She
was
beautiful,
wasn’t she?

Paulo pictured
her even as he held her.  He thought about the beautiful, dark almond eyes
shaded by layers of long, thick lashes.  Her pert nose made her look like
a young girl even as her full, wide mouth was all woman.  Her teeth were
even and white, able to light up her face and those poignant eyes.   

Paulo wanted to
tell Phoenix how much he loved the color of her dark skin.  Her skin was
the color of his own Afro-Brazilian
m
ãe
,
whose skin was the color of the near-black
guarana
syrup from the fragrant berry that grows in
his region of Brazil.  He knew that Phoenix did not know he was
pardo
, of mixed ancestry.  His father was
European and
caboclos
,
of indigenous
Indian ancestry.  She did not know that most of his mother’s people were
as dark as her, and he had always loved running his gold-hued fingers against
their chocolaty skin, marveling at the contrast. 

And Phoenix was
round, yes.  Soft.  Pliant.  Cozy.   And yes, she
was
overweight.  But her weight did not scare Paulo.  What did concern
him was the fact that Phoenix carried weight around her middle, which made her
more likely to experience everything from diabetes to reproductive
disorders.  She needed to become healthy. 
That
was Paulo’s
main concern.  What Phoenix also did not know about Paulo was that he had
found his calling from his own struggles with weight and overall unhealthy
living for many years.  God had turned his pain and suffering around to
use him to help others who struggled with obesity, poor nutrition, and poor
self-image.  Paulo thought about how his beloved wife had struggled. 
He remembered how even helping Elizabeth lose over sixty pounds, after losing
his own seventy, still did not save her life.

And Phoenix
believed he didn’t understand.

But he would
not say a word about any of it right now.  He would allow God to use that
information at the right time for His own good purpose.  He would allow
God to get the glory.

So for right
then, he would enjoy the feel of her in his arms, and not question where
this…arrangement was heading, because he was beginning to understand.

And he was
afraid.

But he knew God
was in control.

So he fought
the urge to release this broken woman and run because he knew right then God
had as much a plan for him as he did for Phoenix.

“Paulo?”
Phoenix murmured, with her eyes closed against his chest.

“
Si
,
Querida
?”

“As much as I
enjoy you holding me like this…as, uh, friends…don’t you have things to do?”

“Yes, but we
have something more important to do right now,” Paulo said, releasing her.

“What’s that?”

“We’ve got to
get over to
Sleepy’s
and buy you a new bed.”

Two hours
later, Phoenix supervised as the delivery men delivered her new bed and removed
the old one.  Paulo had convinced her to allow him to purchase a brand new
queen sized frame, mattress, box spring, and oak headboard.  It cost him
nearly seven hundred dollars, the clearance price.  Phoenix protested at
first, knowing that she didn’t have money to contribute to the bed, or pay him
back.  But she wanted it more than anything.  She tried to tell him
that she would be satisfied with a new mattress but he wouldn’t hear of it.

“If we’re going
to let God change your life, and your lifestyle, you’ll need plenty of
rest.  You don’t need any reason to remain on floors or sofas.  I
need you in bed early so you will wake up in time to come out at five. 
Please don’t argue.  I know it seems strange that I’m doing this, but
trust me.  You deserve someone to take care of you for a while.  Let
me help you.  Let me be your friend.”