The Magic Fart (18 page)

Eager, even. She—’ ‘Forget it!’ ‘But she’s such a great girl! She’ll be so disappointed if she can’t be with

you. You’ll like her, I swear!’ ‘Absolutely not. Get out of here.’ His friend sighed. He walked to a cloaked woman standing nearby. ‘I’m

sorry, honey. He won’t go for it. No date.’ ‘Darn!’ Veil said. She threw off her cloak and stalked away, naked. Hal stared after her, noting her hourglass figure and glorious tresses.

‘Just what was this contest?’ ‘It was for the world’s most perfectly developed body,’ his friend said. ‘But

she didn’t win. The judge’s niece won. So Veil was runner-up.’ ‘I changed my mind,’ Hal said. ‘I’ll date her.’ But it was too late. The rejected woman was gone. Hal had lost his per

fect date. “Served him right,” Veil said, laughing. Then she paused, considering. “It’s really not that funny, but I did laugh. You must understand me on some level.” “Well, woman like stories about arrogant men who lose out,” Micro said. “We do indeed. Maybe you’ll do.” “Because I told a story?” he asked incredulously. Chance had finished nursing and gone back to sleep. She set him carefully back in the crib. It was time to fathom the rest of this man, so she could make her decision. “Kiss me.” “Uh—” She stood, leaned down toward him as he sat on the couch, and kissed him solidly on the mouth. He was clearly startled, but his lips firmed up; he did know how to kiss. “How much sex would you require of me, for that year?” “None! I mean, not if you didn’t want to.” She removed her farthingale skirt and sat on his lap, surprising him again.

She could feel his penis stiffening against her bottom. “None?” “It’s supposed to be mutual. Sure I want you, but if you don’t want me,

then it’s no good.” “How quaint.” She turned into him so that her breasts touched him, and

kissed him again. “But I am required to desire you, in effect.” He was breathing hard. “You sure do turn me on. But I think you’re

playing with me. Maybe you should let me go and choose the man you want.” “Maybe I should,” she agreed. “Why are you holding back?” “Because I don’t trust this.” Of course he knew she was playing with him. “How do you mean?” “Why should someone abduct you and your baby, put you here for men to compete for, and send word to me about my ideal woman? It smells like a trap.”

Her jaw dropped. She got off him and climbed back into her farthingale. “It certainly does. You’re not the dullest bulb on that chandelier, either.” “Middle range,” he agreed with a wan smile. “So maybe we should avoid the trap by not getting together, much as I hate letting you go.”

“No, I prefer to spring the trap and find out what this is all about.” She faced the TV. “I hereby choose this man to be my slavemaster for the year.” “I’m not sure this is smart,” Micro said. “You have chosen,” the TV announcer said. “Now for your honeymoon

in Eden.” Veil was about to say something else, but there was a hiss of gas, and everything changed.

Part 3: Honeymoon

Chapter 15—Eden

Prior looked around. He was standing in a lush garden replete with flow ers, berries, fruits, and nuts. Before him stood Veil, head still hidden in a blob of darkness but otherwise quite naked, holding her baby.

That remained a point of difficulty. He had never dreamed that his ideal woman, if she existed at all, would be a mother. That meant that some other man had had at her first, and there had been enough of a relationship to produce a child. Was that man still around? She acted as if she were free, but it was a question that needed an answer.

“The Garden of Eden,” Veil remarked. “It seems we are honeymooning as Adam and Eve.”

The TV set had spoken of Eden. Obviously this was it. They must have had to clear out the Tower to make room for the next week’s Maiden, who would be similarly put on display to attract contestants. He hadn’t realized that there would be an interim setting. “I guess so. So we can get to know each other privately.”

“With our privates showing,” she agreed. She looked around. “Well, I chose you, so now it’s time to deliver. Let me find a place to put Chance down, and I’m yours.”

“I told you, I don’t believe in slavery.” But his penis thickened, desiring its lodging. He had intended to change to the Spire, but the immediate transition to the interview in the tower had prevented that. He still had Normal on, the nondescript standard model, while the Spire remained in his colon. That gave him considerably less control. Oubliette had told him to touch the Maiden with the Spire, to make her desire him; he hadn’t been able to do that, but had lucked out when she chose him anyway. But if she was really his ideal woman, he didn’t want to alienate her by making her a fucking object before she was interested. “Are you sure?” she asked, glancing meaningfully at his lifting member. “I wish I had a fig leaf!”

She laughed, and her breasts quivered in a way that hastened his erec tion. “Let me see if I have this straight: your spirit is trying to be decent, but your flesh is rampant.”

“That’s it,” he agreed. He looked around. “Maybe there are some fig leafs, or the equivalent, that we can use to make skirts.” But he saw none.

“There are two ways to handle this,” Veil said. “Discharge your member, or ignore it.”

“I can’t ignore it.” His way-too-obvious erection was an acute embar rassment, but it refused to subside.

“Then let’s discharge it.” She considered briefly. “I am not entirely igno rant of the ways of men, obviously.” She glanced at her baby, who was now sleeping in a bed of leaves she had fashioned while talking. “A penis may be discharged by penetration or manipulation. Penetrable orifices are vagina, mouth, and anus.” “Uh, no. I said not unless you want it.” “Manipulation it is,” she said. She dropped to her knees before him,

took his penis in her hand, and squeezed it. Before he knew it, his seed was jetting in an arc through the air, spurt by spurt. She had made it respond in a way he never had, knowing exactly where and how to press. “You’ve done this before,” he said, amazed.

She shrugged as she returned to her feet. “So it seems. Next time it rises, I will abate it another way, if you prefer. The choice is yours.” “Uh, thanks,” he said, embarrassed. “But I will say that I appreciate your courtesy in not pressing the issue

despite your right to do so.” His feelings were mixed. He was glad that she hadn’t freaked out at sight of his involuntary erection, sorry that she hadn’t wanted sex, glad that she had found a way to alleviate the condition, sorry that he had wasted his sperm on the ground, and glad that he had deviously pleased her. She was, it was turning out, some woman.

“I guess we’d better look around,” he said. “Find a way out of here, maybe.” “I suspect there will be no convenient egress.” “I guess we’re here to—to get to know each other better. As it was with

the real Adam and Eve.” “To be sure. I wonder whether there is a forbidden tree.” “Forbidden?” “One that bears the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.” “Oh. Yes. I guess there could be. Maybe we’ll have to eat of it to get out

of here.” “Or to be cast out.” “Whatever. Let’s look.”

Veil picked up her baby and they browsed through the garden. They sampled the fruit, which seemed to be of every kind, all of it remarkably and tasty. They need never go hungry here.

But soon after eating, Prior found his erection forming again. Veil, too, seemed antsy. “I believe this fruit has aphrodisiac properties,” she said. “You too? I guess they meant it when they said honeymoon.” “You still prefer to avoid copulation?” “I guess I look like a liar, with my dick rising. But I don’t want it unless

you do.” “The desire is upon me, but I confess I prefer to avoid it at this time, simply because I would prefer to know you better. A man can indulge in sex at any time, with any available woman, but a woman prefers to have more of a relationship.” “So you’re in the same fix I’m in. Your flesh is rampant.” “Correct. We are in this together. Shall we do the honors for each other?” “You sure made me spew in a hurry. But I don’t know how to do that for

you.” “I will show you.” She set the baby down again, sat on a convenient mossy

rock, leaned back, and spread her legs. “Wet your finger.” He looked around. “No water.” “With your mouth. Saliva is a fine lubricant.” Oh. He put his finger in his mouth, wetting it thoroughly. Then he kneeled and peered into her open crevice. The sight made his erection swell valiantly. “What now?” “Slide your finger along the channel to the end.” He put the tip in her cleft and slid down to her hole, poking into it. As the warm flesh surrounded his finger, she reached across, touched his penis, and made it geyser. She certainly had the touch. “Now the other direction,” she said. He drew his finger out and slid it to the other end of the channel. There was a small hooded knob there. “That is the clitoris,” she said. “Stroke it, very lightly.”

He did so, fascinated. First it swelled under his touch. Then she stiff ened, breathing faster, and her body quivered. Then she closed her legs on his hand, pinning his finger there, while she writhed with orgasmic pleasure. Her climax took longer than his, but seemed no less intense. “Kiss me,” she said. He moved his face to hers and kissed her mouth, finding it despite the blob of a hood. Her face seemed normal in that darkness. She met him with considerable passion. “That was good,” she said. “But maybe we shouldn’t eat more of the fruit.” “Until we get hungry? Let’s face it, as with the fart food, we’re stuck for it. Eat and abate; we’ll get by.”

They moved on through the warm jungle. Suddenly they came to a stone wall. Rather, it was a sheer cliff, rising a hundred feet or so into the sky. There was no way to scale it; it was, for them, an impassible barrier.

They followed it to the side, eating fruits as convenient. That led to another crisis of desire. This time they didn’t bother to lie or sit down. Veil took hold of his penis and made it jettison its load, and he stroked his finger along her cleft as she stood holding her baby. Soon she clenched her thighs on his hand and shook with her orgasm. “But you know, there is a more direct way to do this,” she said. “Yes, but—” “Let’s agree that in this circumstance sex has no meaning other than the relief of a temporary condition. Once we get out of this conducive garden, we can revert to normal relations.” That did seem to make sense. “Okay.” “To make it quite clear, we’ll use the rear position. No kissing.” That seemed to make sense of a sort. They walked until they came to another boundary. This one was the opposite: a cliff leading downward. It dropped into a dark gulf that seemed to have no other side.

“It must be that Eden is set into the side of a mountain,” Veil said. “Perhaps cut away to make a broad ledge. Thus we can’t go up or down.”

So it seemed. “We should have known that they wouldn’t let us simply walk away from it.” “There remains more to explore.” They cut back into the forest, eating as they went. In due course the fruit got to them again. “So how do we do this, this time?” Prior asked, his member standing.

“You will climax before I do, especially if there is no clitoral stimulation. You will have to slow down.” “I don’t think I can.” “This may help.” She took hold of his penis and pressed a nerve below its

base. Suddenly his member went numb, but did not go limp. “What did you do?” he asked, alarmed. “It’s merely a temporary nerve block to detune you enough to match my pace. Now slide it in and pump.” She leaned forward and braced one hand against the trunk of a tree. The other held her baby.

Well, if that was the way she wanted it, he could oblige. Prior set his anesthetized member at her proffered crack and found the entry with his finger rather than the dulled end of his penis. He slid the tip in, made sure of the lodging, and pressed the shaft on after it. Soon he came up against her buttocks. He was all the way in, though he wouldn’t have known from the sensation in his member.

He thrust, and felt some faint response. He pulled out, and pushed in, and got a little more. He repeated, pistoning constantly, and slowly, slowly, the feeling intensified. Then she reacted, her vagina clenching around him, relaxing, and clenching again. She was going into her orgasm, and that helped him, but he still had to pump hard to work it into a climax.

Her orgasm raged like a seizure, exploding around him. She rode his pole, squeezing its length, milking it, seeming almost to suck at it. Maybe there was some suction, as he pulled back his stroke. She worked on him as her orgasm ran its course and faded.

At last he came. He pumped harder yet, sensation returning, and finally, almost painfully, spewed out his substance. It felt as if he were putting a gallon of hard cider into her, though he knew it was merely a spoonful of apple juice.

“Well, that wasn’t easier,” she said. “Maybe we can find another variant, next time.”

They came to a glade that might be in the center of the garden. A single tree stood in its center. “That would be the Tree of Knowledge,” she said. “Of whose fruit we must not eat.” So it seemed. “It’s getting late. We need to find a place to sleep.” “Anywhere will do,” she said. “There are no hostile bugs or creatures.” They gathered moss to make a bed, and settled down. The urge was on them again. “Maybe if you start before me,” he suggested. “So you won’t have to numb me.”

“Good idea. Get behind me, but don’t enter until I tell you.” She lay on her side, her bottom presented. He saw that she was nursing her baby. Probably that was what she had to do, to keep the child quiet, but merging it with sex was weird.

He lay behind her, his groin not touching. He reached around her hip, found her crevice, and stroked her button. He was getting better at it, and soon she reacted, her body shaking. But she didn’t tell him to enter. Only when she seemed to be well into her orgasm did she gasp “Now!”