The Love Triangle (BWWM Romance) (15 page)

“I would like you to go see Doctor Stein again,” I said. She frowned slightly.

“My next checkup is in a week as it is,” she said. I shrugged.

“I just want to make sure everything is okay,” I said. She opened her mouth to argue, but instead she closed it again. She gave me the barest of nods and looked back down at her phone. Dismissed again, but this time I wasn’t going to fight it. She was going to see Stein, and if there was something wrong he could fix it up.

“I don’t see anything out of the ordinary, besides the fact that Grace still can’t remember anything. Other than that, she’s healthy just like anyone else out there.”

I sat in Doctor Stein’s office. He’d checked up on Grace. She was with a nurse now.

“She’s different, Doctor,” I said. “I’m worried it’s more than just the result of the accident.”

“Different how, Mr. Wilson?”

I explained it to him. He shook his head and smiled when I was done talking, which made me feel like an idiot. And I didn’t like that. Anger boiled up inside of me hard and fast, and I tried to swallow it down. There was no reason for me to get upset about him doing his job.

I was upset with Grace. And I couldn’t take that out on anyone.

“It seems to me, Mr. Wilson, that Grace is happy. What you’re describing to me sounds good. It’s a good thing that she’s starting to open up.”

“But she’s not opening up to me,” I said. “She’s just opening up to that friend of hers. I’m doing everything for her, and she still pushes me away.”

“Were you in a relationship with Grace before the date where her memories cut off?”

I sighed. That was the question, wasn’t it?

“Sort of. It was complicated. We weren’t exclusive, more like courting stages.”

“Your relationship only started after January then?” he asked. I didn’t like him asking, but I nodded.

“Officially, yes. That was when she moved in.”

Doctor Stein nodded. “Well, I wouldn’t be too worried about her behavior then, Mr. Wilson. She doesn’t remember being that intimate with you. She won’t be able to just do it again if she doesn’t know she felt that way about you.”

“But you said she might have subconscious memories. Wouldn’t that be included?”

Doctor Stein shook his head. “It’s very hard to tell what she’s retained and what she hasn’t on a subconscious level. Unfortunately all any of us, even you, have to go by is her actions.”

I pushed myself up out of the chair and stomped to the door. I was done with this conversation. He had told me absolutely nothing that could help me, and he was being difficult about it, too.

“I hope I’ve been of some help, Mr. Wilson,” he called after me, but I closed the door behind me without answering. Grace was sitting outside the office on one of the plastic waiting room chairs. Her hands were folded in her lap. No cell phone. Thank goodness.
 

She got up when she saw me. I walked past her without saying anything.

“Are you okay?” she asked. I kept walking without answering her. I had nothing to say to a woman that didn’t have anything to share with me. I was over this. I was upset that nothing could be fixed. I had everything money could buy, and still I didn’t have what I wanted.

I heard her feet tap against the linoleum floor as she half-jogged to keep up with me. We were the same height but I was a lot better at storming off than she was.

“Elijah,” she called. I swung around, hands clenched at my sides. She flinched away from me, arms up, eyes closed. It made me stop in my tracks. The rage left me so suddenly I was left cold and I felt like my knees were going to buckle.

When she dropped her hands she looked apologetic, like the flinch had been an accident. But I knew what it had been. She was scared of me.

“Don’t call me that,” I finally said, voice low, as controlled as I was going to get it. I turned around again and kept walking. I heard her keeping up, but she didn’t say anything else. Maybe I’d scared her enough. Maybe she didn’t know what else to say now that she wasn’t allowed to use my name.

I was praying for the latter, but I was betting on the former. A man like me just didn’t get it that way. Of course the woman of my dreams didn’t love me back. Of course she was scared of me. I knew I was a pain in the ass. I knew I wasn’t much to look at. I knew that my presence did more than my looks. But I’d been riding on that and it had worked until now.

Until Grace. Until she didn’t know that she wanted me.

I wanted to put my fist through a wall. Instead I got in the car. I was in half a mind to drive off, but I was decent enough to wait for her. I could be nice if I wanted to.

When she was in with her seatbelt on, I pushed my foot down all the way. She pressed her hands against the dashboard in front of her, and from the corner of my eye her face was riddled with fear.

“Just trust me for once,” I snapped at her.

“I can’t,” she whispered, and it looked like the moment she did she wanted to take it back. I felt the sudden tension, the fear, hanging in the car like a fog. “I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from,” she said a moment later when I still hadn’t said anything about it.

“It’s fine,” I said and pushed the radio button so we didn’t have to talk anymore. Because the truth was I knew where that had come from. I knew exactly.

I parked the car, got out and slammed the door behind me. I walked up to the house, not checking if she followed. I was angry. I was more than angry. It was white rage, humming through my veins. My fingers trembled and everything seemed brighter. My head was starting to throb.

The housekeeper opened the door for me. She stepped aside, staying out of my way. I heard Grace come in after me. The door closed, and the housekeeper disappeared. We were alone.

I walked into my office. Grace followed me. I really just wanted to get away from her.

“Elijah,” she said and winced because of my outburst about her calling me by my name. She closed her eyes for a moment before she opened them again, took a deep breath, and kept talking. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on.”

I turned my back to her. I didn’t want to see her face. It pissed me off even more.

“Just get out of here,” I snapped.

“I just want to fix this. I know I’ve been doing everything wrong since I got out of the hospital. I didn’t mean to make this so hard for you.”

“Please just get out of my office,” I almost yelled. My voice trembled with the strain to contain myself. I felt like I was on fire, and all that heat wanted to escape, push out of my body and wreak havoc.

“I know it was a mistake coming here. I just didn’t know where else to go. I’ll arrange to go and stay with Shonda.”

I’d been holding on to my temper with both hands, hoping that it wouldn’t slip. But that was the last straw. Heat surged through my body like fire, licking at every inch of me until I felt like I was going to be swallowed hole.

“All I wanted since you woke up in that damn hospital was you to be mine again!” I shouted. She took a step back, and hit the shelves behind her. I walked toward her.

“You just keep pulling further and further away. And you don’t want me to be mad about that? You come in here promising me that you want me, that all the other people just don’t matter anymore. And then you do this to me?”

I’d carried on walking until I was right up against her, shouting in her face. She’d turned her face to the side, eyes closed, and shrunk in on herself. I wanted to stop. It was like I watched the whole thing happen from somewhere else in the room. Somewhere that wasn’t my body. I saw myself being a bully, screaming and shouting at her. I saw her cower away, the fear on her face, terror in her eyes.

I should have stopped. But I couldn’t.

“I can’t remember,” she said softly, her voice so thin it sounded like it was going to break.

The rage surged through me and it was complete. My ears were ringing and white light flashed in front of my eyes, leaving me blind. I shoved my hands forward, grabbed the first thing they fell on, and yanked at it. I had to get rid of this feeling. It was swallowing me whole.

Slowly things swam back into my vision. Grace in front of me, tears running down her cheeks. Her dark eyes were big and she swallowed hard. She breathed hard and fast, panting. She had her arms wrapped over her head.

My hands were stretched around her, and I gripped a shelf. I’d pulled it down, and all the books that had been stacked lay scattered over the floor, some open, pages torn. The ornament that had sat on the shelf lay in shattered pieces on the ground.

A thin rivulet of blood ran down Grace’s arm where the glass must have nicked her. I’d done it again. I’d lost it, forgotten myself, and hurt her.

“Get out,” I said and my voice was hoarse like I’d screamed long and hard. When I let go of the shelf my hands were stiff, the way it got when you held onto something for long. She backed away from me, watching me, moving slowly, until she was at the door. Then she turned and ran, stumbling in the doorway, and disappeared. I heard the front door open and slam shut again moments later.

She was gone.

I lifted my hands. They were shaking, and my fingers were red. I rubbed a hand over my head, over the short hair. I swallowed and my throat felt raw. Raw and dry. I was so thirsty. I turned to the cabinet in the corner behind my desk.

The whiskey bottle was still half full. I didn’t bother with a glass. I lifted the bottle to my lips and let the amber liquid run into my mouth, down my throat. It burned in my veins, but it was a good burn. The burn that was safe. It wasn’t like the heat that I drowned in when my temper took over. I walked to the door, closed it and locked it. Then I turned with my back to the door and slid down it until I was sitting on the floor.

The whiskey was good. Familiar, reliable. This was very good.

Chapter 15 - Grace

Justin lay on his back in his bed, the patchwork quilt crumpled by our feet. The cottage on the ranch where he worked and lived was made of dark wooden beams to give the illusion of a log cabin. Justin had dark-wood log furniture that completed the picture. If I didn’t know better, I would have said he was a real cowboy on a ranch in the Wild West.

We were both naked. We’d spent the night together, and he had a day off. He lay sprawled on his back with nothing to hide, the length of him thick and hard on his lower abdomen. I was on my side, pressing my breasts against his arm and my groin against his hip. With my hand I stroked him, fingers curled around his thickness, moving up and down with a slow motion.

His face was dreamy, but we’d been talking about other things.

“You know, I could live here,” I said.

“Where? Here?” He turned his head to me, blue eyes soft and dark.

“On a ranch. It’s so peaceful out here. Every day is a rush for me, even when I stay in a place as small as Fort Atkinson.”

Justin’s breath came out in a gasp and his body shuddered under my hand before he kept talking.

“It’s very peaceful here. No one to disturb us for miles.” He gave me a lazy smile and I leaned in and kissed him. He lifted his hand and stroked his fingertips across my chest, tracing the rise and fall of my breasts, running a finger down the middle where they met.

“You’re beautiful,” he said.

I smiled at him. “You’re just saying that because I’m jacking you off.”

He closed his eyes, a smile still playing around his mouth.

“As great as this feels, you’re beautiful even when you don’t do it.”

I nuzzled his neck, pressing my breasts harder against his arm. He sighed and another shudder traveled through his body.

“I wish I could stay here forever,” I said. Justin turned his head slightly, as much as my head in his neck would allow.

“You can,” he said. I chuckled.

“I’m going to have to go back to reality at some point. I can’t just live in this dream world with you forever.”

“Why not?” he asked. I stopped moving my hand, just let it rest. Justin pushed up on his elbows and it made me have to shift as well. I moved my body away from him, peeling my skin off of his.

“What are you saying, Justin?”

“You don’t have to go back to your life, you know. You can quit if you want to. I know you hate working for that asshole, you’re just doing it because it’s a good reference. But what if you did something else?” His eyes glimmered, the glint of hope and potential. I let go of him and sat up. He sat up, too. I pulled a sheet over myself so that I wasn’t exposed anymore. It made me feel vulnerable to talk about serious things when I was naked. Tension built in the room but it looked like I was the only one that felt it. Justin sat there, erect and proud and he didn’t make an effort to cover up.