The Love Series Complete Box Set (36 page)

I watch her walk out of the room with such poise and grace. She’s made her choice; she has obviously learned to find her inner strength despite her pain.

Absentmindedly holding my hands tenderly to my tummy, my most sincere hope is that I can do the same.

Chapter 3

Monday December 10, 2012

We’re currently driving along I-80 heading back up to Ithaca. Jack and Cammie are cuddled up next to me on the pickup’s bench seat, and I can’t help the pang of jealousy when I look at them wrapped up in one another. I miss Maddy so fucking much it literally hurts my chest.

Jack knocks his head on the window as I speed over a sewer grate. My head is just not with it today.

“What the fuck, man?” Jack rubs the side of his head and sits up a bit straighter.

I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to stifle a laugh, but I have to let it out. It feels good to laugh for a minute. “Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to.”

Cammie stirs a little at his side, but she’s so exhausted that she doesn’t wake up fully. Jack wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her closer to his chest. She nuzzles into him and resumes her light snoring.

Jack shifts in his seat and faces me. “So how much longer until we’re home?” he asks as he swipes his hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Just under an hour.” It should be a five hour drive, but I have a lead foot and my mind has been anywhere but paying attention to the speed limit, so we’ll actually make it home in about three and a half hours.

After Maddy regained consciousness, Jack and Cammie decided to stay on Long Island with us until we were ready to go home. They didn’t want to leave until Maddy was discharged. I think that after they knew everything was going to be alright with Maddy, they just wanted to spend some time alone. I can’t complain. At least now I have someone to ride home with. If they hadn’t stayed, I’d be on a Greyhound.

Clearing his throat, he catches my attention. “And how much longer until you tell me what happened with Maddy?” Jack arches a knowing eyebrow in my direction.

Jack has always been the observant one. He can tell when there’s something going on and he can tell when he should push the issue. I want to stare him down and let him know that he should drop it, but I’m tired of keeping everything bottled up. An outsider’s opinion might actually be helpful here.

I nudge Cammie on the arm to make sure she’s still asleep. She barely moves, so I sigh lightly and decide to tell Jack everything.

Keeping my voice low, I say, “She’s pregnant. She told me at the hospital and I kind of freaked out.”

A shocked look passes across Jack’s face. “Wow! Well, that’s understandable. You freaking out I mean. So what happened? I mean how come you’re coming home with us and not her?” I can tell that he’s genuinely concerned.

Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, I wipe the other over my face and then run it through my hair in frustration. “There’s some other stuff going on with my family back home.”

Jack interrupts me to say, “You mean the family you never talk about?”

I give him the stare now. I’m definitely not in the mood to rehash that. “Yes, them. And no, I’m not going to talk about them now either.” I shake my head in a futile attempt at keeping the pain at bay.

His demeanor changes a bit; he’s pissed that I’m blowing him off. “Reid, I’ve known you for the last three years and I know absolutely nothing about your family.” He sighs and rolls his eyes at me in frustration. “Don’t you think it’s time to open up a little? I’m not getting all girly on you here, but if whatever is going on in your family is screwing up what you have with Maddy, then talk to me about it. Maybe I can help you see things differently.” He kisses Cammie lightly on her head and shrugs his shoulders a little. “Besides, I’ve had a little more experience in the girlfriend department than you have.”

Maybe he’s right. Jack’s a good guy and he’s been my best friend since I left home. If I want to change and deal with my past, I’m going to have to get more comfortable talking about it. I won’t sugar coat it though, so he’s going to get the uncut version.

“My older brother was gay. He never told anyone.” I say the words in such a rushed frenzy as if the quickness with which I say them will somehow temper the truth. “Well, he told me and I promised up and down that I wouldn’t betray his trust, but his girlfriend played me.” I can see Jack trying to process it all and I’m sure the part that he was gay and that he had a girlfriend are confusing him.

I answer his unasked question. “Shane had a girlfriend. It was obviously a cover up. He knew that no one would accept his homosexuality so he hid it. Alex, his girlfriend, made a move on me to get information on Shane. When she found out he was gay, she was intent on getting revenge. She said vindictive and strocious things about him. The fact that my hometown is close-minded and homophobic helped her cause.” I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted from my chest at finally telling someone all of this.

I pause a minute to pass an eighteen wheeler. I can see that Jack is trying to work through all of this information. Thinking about it, it’s really crazy that I’ve lived with him for the last three years and he’s just learning about this. In this moment, I can feel the truth of Maddy’s words. I’ve spent so long pushing everyone away that I haven’t even had the chance to see how damaging it’s been.

“Reid, I had no idea.” Jack rubs his forehead in confusion and concern. He puffs out a deep breath and asks, “How come you never told me? That’s some heavy shit to be carrying around.” His voice is filled with shock, but not pity. I can take just about every emotion except pity. That’s the main reason I never speak of Shane. I don’t want anyone’s pity. It’s not going to bring my brother back anyway, so don’t pity a situation for what it is.

I’m relieved that Jack knows now. His reaction is much easier to deal with than I thought.

Shaking my head, I huff. “Yeah, I know. I guess I just always thought if I didn’t bring it up, it would just go away.” I pinch the bridge of my nose where a major headache is starting to brew.

“So what happened after Alex found out?” Jack asks as he looks back in my direction.

I shift a little in my seat to face him a bit more. “Everyone else found out. The other college kids bullied him relentlessly. He couldn’t go anywhere in town without being hated. My parents disowned him and basically kicked him out of the house.” I may be relieved that I’ve shared this with Jack, but my voice is laced with venom talking about my parents.

A look of shock passes across his face. “Seriously? That’s real shitty of them. So where did he end up going? Why haven’t we met him?” I wish the version that’s playing out in Jack’s head could be real.

“He killed himself. I was the one who found him.” My words shake and tears threaten to fall, but I will them back.

I let it hang in the air. After a long, heavy, dark silence, Jack kisses the top of Cammie’s head.

His face pales and I can see that he’s struggling with what he should say. His quiet words convey his shock. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.” He pauses as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts. “I wish you would have told me all of this sooner. No one should have to carry that around with them.”

“Thanks, man. It means a lot. Honestly though, the only other person I’ve ever told about all of this is Maddy and that was just last month.” I sigh and shake my head—a useless attempt to block the pain. “She makes me want to be a better person; she makes me want to heal.” I offer up a small smile; it’s really all I can muster up right now.

Jack’s brows knit in perplexed confusion. “So then I don’t get it. If she’s behind you with all of this, and you want to move forward from it, then why are you here with us and not home with her?”

I still haven’t figured that out myself, but I try my best to convey to Jack what I do understand about our situation. “Well it turns out that all of those calls I was getting for the last few weeks were about my mom. She’s sick.” I stutter a little and surprise myself at the upwelling of emotion I’m feeling. “She’s dying.” I pause as I let the weight of my own words sink in. “And now she wants to talk to me again, but after she shut out Shane and ignored me for the last five years, I don’t think I have it in me to see her.” I rub my hands over the steering wheel in a nervous gesture. “I don’t care that she’s dying and that’s the problem with Maddy. She thinks that I
can’t
love her, that I
don’t
love her, because I refuse to deal with my past.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes just watching the trees and the cars pass us by. I merge into the right lane, preparing to exit the interstate. We’re only about five minutes from home at this point.

“So, oh wise one,” I quip sarcastically, mainly because I need to lighten the mood, “what should I do?”

“Honestly?” His look is serious. He’s about to dole out some real advice here.

“No, I want you to lie to me, please.” I grin at him. “Yes, honestly, you ass!” We both share a chuckle and the mood lifts slightly.

“Do you love her?” I’m taken back a little by his abrupt question.

Is he serious? I can’t contain the sarcastic huff that passes my lips. “Love her? There isn’t a word for what I feel for her.” I smile at the thought of her, of us together. “Being with her is easy. It’s like breathing, really. Before Maddy, I never wanted a commitment. I never wanted to have feelings or be in love. I was more than happy with a quick fuck and an awkward goodbye the next morning. But I never knew how empty my life was until she became a part of it.”

“Okay, Shakespeare—I get it. So it’s simple. If you love her, and you need her, then you fix this.” His words are simple and final. There is no other option. “This is what I’ve learned over the last three years with this one.” He eyes Cammie who is still peacefully sleeping in his arms. “There are two things that women want from men when things go wrong. They want us to do what they tell us and they want us to actually want to do what they tell us.” He laughs a small chuckle at the ridiculousness of his statement. “I know it sounds manipulative, but the bottom line is that Maddy wants you to do this so that she feels safe and secure with you. You want her in your life, so in order to get what you want, and in order to make Maddy happy, which is also something that you want, you have to talk to your mom.” He pauses before continuing. “Besides, it’s not just about you and Maddy anymore. If you want to hold on to any hope of being a part of your child’s life, then you’ll do this for that baby. Be the parent yours were incapable of being and do the right thing.”

I sit back and contemplate his words for a few minutes before I say anything. I need to digest his words. I don’t want to go home and I know that I shouldn’t have to.

But then there’s the part of me that’s exhausted from keeping my past all bottled up. Maybe going home and telling my parents to go fuck off might give me the closure I need. As angry as I am at Maddy right now for pushing me away, she’s partly right. I’m not healed from my past, hell neither is she. I need to put it behind me and move on with my life, with our life.

It doesn’t take long to reach a conclusion. I want Maddy and my baby in my life and that’s that. “You’re right, Jack.” I pull my eyes away from the road for a second to look over at him. “Thanks a lot for listening to me and giving me some advice. I really appreciate it.” I nod my head at him. That’s all that’s needed between us now.

“No problem. I’m here for you anytime.” He looks down at Cammie, lovingly, tenderly. “We both are; you just have to let us.” On his last words, Cammie stirs at his side. She straightens from her cuddled slouch and stretches her arms overhead—or at least as far overhead as the cabin will allow her.

She wipes the sleep from her eyes, and when she speaks, her voice is soft and low. “Are we almost home?”

Jack sweeps a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and kisses her cheek. “We’ll be there in about five minutes, baby.” She smiles back at him, and when she rests her head back on his chest, mine aches longingly in an almost phantom pain-like state. I need to feel Maddy’s cheek on my chest again. I need to see her. I need to make this better and not for her, not for me, but for us.
For our family.

A few minutes later, we pull into the driveway. Cammie nearly sprints out of the car—small bladders and long car rides are not a good combination. I help Jack unload the bags and hope that he can do one more thing for me.

“Jack, can I ask you one more favor?” I sling a bag over my shoulder.

“Sure, anything.” Jack closes the door and steps around to the front of the truck.

I nervously fidget with the strap. I’ve never had to ask anyone for help; it’s a new thing for me. “Can I borrow your truck for a few days? The Mustang was totaled after Maddy’s accident, and it’ll be weeks before the insurance company cuts me a check and I can find a replacement.” I let the keys jingle in my hand as I toy with them waiting for his answer.

We both start walking to the front door and Jack says, “Of course, man. Where are you going to go?”