The Love He Craves (The Love She Craves: Selling Her Soul to Declan Book 2) (20 page)

“I can’t.”

You won’t
, he thought. “Why do you put me into this position? If I let you get away with not telling me, it gives you control. If I make you stay there until you’re worn down, I’m a bully.”

When she continued staring at the Berber carpet, his breath huffed and he sat down in his office chair—more accurately, nearly fell into it with the seat lowered for her. He swore and raised it to its normal position. As he thought about checking his e-mail to pass the time, waiting for her to tell him, his eyes fell on the textbook.

“Is this about me teaching you calculus?”

After waiting a few seconds, he took her silence as unspoken agreement.

“Okay, so that’s a yes,” he said. “Are you afraid I’m going to punish you if you make a mistake?”

A fat tear rolled off her cheek, making a semitransparent spot on her blouse where it landed. “I’m not afraid of your punishment. I’d rather just do it on my own.”

“Baby, I’m not going to punish you for getting an answer wrong. It’s part of learning. But I have some pretty sweet rewards planned to celebrate your accomplishments.”

A slight smile tightened at the corner of her lips but disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

“I want to do it myself.”

He swiveled his chair and stared down at her. “I’ll only consider it if you tell me why—otherwise get yourself up off the floor and let’s get to work.”

Nyxie neither got up and moved, nor opened her mouth.

God damn, the woman could be stubborn. At that moment, if he had some sodium pentothal, he would drug her just to get it out of her. But she had already safe-worded him, so he could hardly turn her over his knee again. “Spanking is not the only way for me to punish you. I can withhold my love. I can send you to your side of the house and not speak with you until you tell me. Is that what you want?”

“No,” she said. “I don’t know how to tell you where it makes sense.”

“Don’t worry about whether it makes sense or not, just tell me.”

Nyxie’s lips clamped shut in a mulish line. She took a deep breath and looked up at him. “You have this image in your head of who you think I am. I’m like a toy you always wanted but you could never have. Now that you have me, you love me because you finally have what you think you wanted. But you’re getting closer and you’re seeing the toy is not as much fun as you thought it was going to be, and when you realize it’s fundamentally broken, you’re going to stop loving it and cast it aside.” Her eyes dropped back to the floor. “Until you, my kids were the only ones who have ever loved me. I didn’t know what I was missing. Now you’re going to find out how stupid I am, and you won’t love me anymore.”

Declan stared at her, not knowing if he should laugh or be mad. All this fuss because she thought he’d think she wasn’t smart enough. Did she really think she’d fall out of favor if she struggled with calculus?

“A lot of people struggle with math. Frankly, if you were planning on remaining married to me, I’d probably let you take your time and do it your way. But all I see in my mind, is this countdown clock, ticking off the days until you leave and I can’t stand the thought of you struggling to feed yourself again.”

“When you talked to Mr. Vaughn last night, did he tell you how much?”

“Two years, unless we add in the adoptions.”

Her eyes met his. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “Don’t you think we should?”

“It’ll add another two years unless you want to pay me back the $3,000 overage.”

“It’s costing you $63,000?”

He nodded, a grin coming to his face. “You did that math pretty quickly.”

“God, I didn’t know it would cost you that much. I’m sorry. I’ll pay you back.”

He reached out his hand to her and helped her to her feet. “I wanted it to be more. I wanted to keep you for the rest of our lives. That’s why I married you. Don’t get me wrong. I love the prospect of owning a sex submissive. It’s nice to know I can have my fill of the kind of sex that turns me on. But I also want a relationship with a woman on a deeper level than just fucking. I had hoped that woman would be you.”

He pulled her between his legs and wrapped his arms around her. She put her hands in his hair.

“Why me? I don’t belong in your world. Everyone can see it. Why can’t you?”

“My parents are not everyone. No one is going to be good enough for me in their eyes. They’d like to see me with someone like Emily. Everyone else thinks we make a good couple.”

“Mr. Vaughn doesn’t like me either,” she said, then bit her lip.

“Junior is a lawyer. He would have liked to see me hide my assets or at least protect them with a prenup. By the way, we have an appointment with him Wednesday morning before I go to work. Friday night when I get home, we have a date. It’s the fundraiser for the Garrison Center. I’m hoping they’ll announce who gets the fellowships. The other residents are getting letters from other schools and hospitals with offers.”

“They’ll offer you the position,” she said confidently, sitting on his leg. “They’d be nuts to pass up a great doctor like you.”

“Are you ready to get to work now?” he asked abruptly. “We’ll go at whatever pace you feel comfortable.”

“Promise me you won’t stop loving me.”

“Promise me you’ll give more thought to staying married.”

Chapter 18

Declan looked down at the display of his vibrating phone and frowned at Nyxie’s name. It had only been twenty-four hours since he had seen her and now she was calling him at work.

“Is this an emergency?” he asked in lieu of a greeting.

“I’m at the OB/GYN clinic for my follow-up and Dr. Saunders has rotated out.”

“She’s on her emergency medicine rotation with me. Who is performing the exam?”

“Bubba.”

Declan heard the panic in her voice. “Calm down. Put your clothes on and come to the emergency department. I’ll arrange for Emily to do it.”

“I’m not undressed. As soon as they said Dr. Lannister would be with me in a few minutes, I called you.”

“Get your stuff and leave.”

Nyxie hadn’t set her purse down, so she just turned around and weaved her way back until she found the entrance. She apologized profusely to the reception nurse and was still muttering her apologies over her shoulder as she left the office.

~*~

“Since you fainted the last time,” Emily said after she finished the exam, and the nurse had administered the HPV vaccine, “I want you to stay seated for a few minutes before you get up.”

Nyxie sat up and wrapped the sheet around herself. “Better safe than sorry,” she said, remembering the last time. Declan was quick to blame her passing out on her lack of eating, but Emily said it sometimes happened from the vaccine.

“I guess you two are getting along better?” Emily said. “I can always tell by his mood.”

“A little bit. He’s still staying on his side of the townhouse, but obviously we’ve spent some time together,” she said, knowing that Emily knew about the mishap with the hot pepper.

An enigmatic smile curled Emily’s lips slightly as she pumped the dispenser on the wall for some hand sanitizer and began rubbing her hands together. “I tried to get him to call you one day last week, but he didn’t want to call you inebriated.”

Nyxie had been staring at her toes peeking out from beneath the sheet, but her head jerked up and she met Emily’s eyes. “He was intoxicated?”

“Believe it or not, he drunk-called me. Declan’s a hoot when he has been drinking. He seemed to think you would freak out.”

Nyxie pulled back a bit. “I told you my parents were alcoholics,” she said, thinking the word sounded polite. Her father was a drunk. Her mother wasn’t much better. “I could have dealt with him.”

Instinctively, she knew that was the night she fell asleep waiting for him in his bedroom. If he hadn’t been drunk, he would have awoken her and sent her home.

“May I ask you something?” Nyxie asked. “Is it true the implant in my arm could cause blood clots?”

“Maybe for some people, but I don’t remember you having any other risk factors. You’re young and healthy, but if you’re worried about it, just get up and move around regularly.”

“Declan wants me to take it out. He says I don’t need the hormones when I’m not having a period to begin with.”

“But
that
will put you at risk of pregnancy.”

“He’s made no secret that he’d like to start a family right away.”

There was a soft knock on the door before it opened, and Declan put his head in. Seeing Nyxie dressed only in a sheet, he stepped all the way in, shutting the door behind him.

“Everything go okay?” he asked.

“What could go wrong?” Emily answered. “We were just discussing the implant. And I was telling Nyxie, if I took it out, I’d worry that they didn’t make condoms small enough for you.” With a sassy smile, she held out her little finger and wiggled it at him.

“Last time you felt the need to discuss my penis, you said I had a cannon and two bowling balls between my legs.”

“I said you walk around like a man with a cannon and two bowling balls between your legs—not that you had them. I’m sure your little micro penis swelled with pride over that assessment. I was trying to boost your ego.”

Declan rolled his eyes at her but before he could say anything, Nyxie spoke up. “I think I may need a new doctor if Dr. Saunders thinks a condom goes on a man’s pinkie,” she said, making him laugh. Nyxie turned towards Emily, leaned in, and whispered. “I don’t know about the bowling ball part, but I think a cannon is a fair description.”

A look of irritation crossed Emily’s face. “I know when I’m outnumbered,” she said, holding her hands up and retreating one step.

Declan moved closer to Nyxie and gave her a quick peck. “You were talking about the implant? Have you decided to have it removed, yet?”

“
Yet
? Is it a foregone conclusion that I will at some point? I haven’t even made the
other
decision yet. And it is much less permanent.”

“Would you give us a few minutes alone?” he said, turning to Emily, his voice sounding ill-tempered.

Emily looked back-and-forth between the pair before nodding and leaving the room.

“What the hell does that mean? Marriage isn’t a permanent decision?”

“I don’t like to be yelled at,” she said, clutching the sheet and trying to tuck one end into the other so she it would stay up on its own. “When you act like this, I don’t want to be married to you at all.” She slid off the exam table and the sheet came loose. She decided it wasn’t worth the effort, so threw it back on the table and began getting dressed. “You know what I mean. If the marriage doesn’t work out, there’s always the possibility of a divorce. Having a baby together is permanent. Our lives will always be linked. And what happens if we have a baby and then we divorce?

“I’m no match for your lawyer and your millions,” she continued. “You know how much I love Cody and the girls. How much worse would it tear me apart if you took my own child from me?”

“Why do you have to assume we're going to end up divorced? You tell me you love me, and I don’t know any way to make it clearer how I feel. I know I’m not perfect, but nobody is. And guess what, you’re not perfect either. Never in my wildest imagination did I picture myself with a high school dropout with three kids. We can fix your lack of education, but how do you think it makes me feel to know I am number four in the pecking order for your love?”

“You’re not number four,” she said quietly. “I love you, and I want you so much, I’m afraid I’ll make decisions concerning you that aren’t in the best interest of my kids.”

Declan stepped closer and cupped her face. “Have I ever asked you to choose between us? I’m not going to let you do that.”

She nestled against his hand. How could a mere touch to her face illicit such love for him? “I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to decide. I’m not like you. Hell, it took me ten minutes of debate to buy Cody balloons, and then I had to bargain with myself.”

When he saw her looking up at him with big brown eyes that showed her uncertainty, his shoulders dropped and he sighed. Pressuring her was not going to help. He had enough difficultly restraining his natural impatient urges.

“How can I help you make up your mind?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Tell me the right answer.”

“You already know what I think the right answer is.” He wrapped his arms around her, her bra and panties the only thing separating them. “Go home. Write down every objection you can think of, and we will go over them. I will do everything I can to resolve as many of your concerns as possible to make your decision easier.”

“When are you coming over?”

He looked at her searchingly. “The fundraiser is Friday. I would like to have it resolved before then. I’ll postpone our meeting with Junior until Wednesday morning. You arrange for the nanny to keep them Thursday evening and we’ll go out to dinner and discuss it. Bring the list.”

~*~

Nyxie sighed with relief as she turned off the ignition. Driving to her doctor’s appointment was the first time she had driven herself anywhere after getting her license with the help of Joanie, the second limo driver who had taken Joseph, Treshaun and her shopping. She had not made any bad decisions, had no close calls, managed to get into the parking place relatively straight, and had parked in the garage without clipping the mirror, running into the wall, or having the garage door hit the Lexus when it closed.

The grin on her face faded away when she walked into the kitchen to find Lotus and Reina sitting at the breakfast bar, eating lunch and looking miserable. Each girl had a glass of milk and plate of lettuce with tomatoes, celery and carrots on it. Nyxie knew they’d eat salad if it had Ranch dressing on it, but Ms. Kiki, as the nanny wanted them to address her, had dressed the salad with what smelled like red wine vinegar and olive oil.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Nyxie said. “There was an issue with my appointment and it took longer than I thought it would.”

“I am not the cook, I am not the maid, and I am not the chauffeur,” Ms. Kiki said. “You should have called to let me know you would not be on time to fix lunch.”

“I’m sorry. I just assumed you would wait until I got home.”

“How many times and ways do I need to tell you, children need structure. That’s the reason I posted the schedule on the refrigerator.”

Nyxie pursed her lips and said nothing as she looked around to see if there was any salad left for her.

“We had a visitor while you were gone,” Ms. Kiki said, standing in the kitchen holding her plate and stabbing at the lettuce with her fork.

“You did?”

“
You
did. Her card is on the counter.”

Nyxie picked up the card and saw the state seal before she read Rosita Gomez’s name. “Oh shit,” she said. “What did she say? Do I need to call her?”

“Apparently, it’s routine to make surprise follow-up visits after CPS returns custody of abused and neglected children. She doesn’t need you to call. She could see a professional had matters well under control.”

Nyxie stared at the woman, unable to find any words to defend herself, or to put the nanny in her place. She felt like a doormat because of her inability to stand up to the woman. Her stomach roiled and she wanted to skip lunch entirely. However, she knew Declan would be angry if she did. She went into the huge walk-in pantry, and for the millionth time, felt amazed that so much food belonged to her. Her eyes were drawn to the big jars of peanut butter that Declan had specifically asked Sonia to buy when she purchased groceries. Ever since she discovered a jar of Jif in her locker her freshman year, she had an affinity for it. It was only recently that she found out, Declan had placed it there. She and Cody had rationed it out two spoonfuls each night while it lasted.

She grabbed a jar and a loaf of bread, hoping it would make her feel as if Declan was with her and would give her strength as she dealt with Ms. Kiki and her irritation.

She pulled a clean plate and knife out of the dishwasher and began making a sandwich.

“Can I have one too?” Reina asked.

“
May
,” Kiki corrected. “And you most certainly may not. You have a healthy lunch in front of you. No one needs that garbage.”

“Do you want strawberry or grape jelly?” Nyxie asked, leaning toward Reina with a big smile.

“Their diet is half the problem. They need nutritious food.”

Nyxie pointedly ignored Ms. Kiki as she waited for Reina to make up her mind.

“Grape,” Reina said.

“I want one too. But I want strawberry,” Lotus said.

“Good choices,” Nyxie said as she walked around Kiki to retrieve the jelly from the refrigerator. “Did you take your vitamins this morning?”

“They wouldn’t need vitamins if they were eating properly.”

“Doctor’s orders,” Nyxie said.

“She wanted to point out that the salad couldn’t have contained more than a couple hundred calories—not enough for two growing girls to thrive on. Both girls were in the lower weight ranges for their heights and didn’t need their calories restricted. But perhaps the plan was to make the girls so weak with hunger that they wouldn’t be any trouble for her.

That was what she wanted to say.

Normally, Nyxie would have cut the sandwich in two to make them a little easier to handle. The idea of the girls getting a bit of the thickly slathered jelly on their cheeks amused Nyxie as a little fuck you to Ms. Kiki.

“Did you want me to make you one?” she asked the nanny. “I think PB&J on squishy white bread is my favorite sandwich.”

The woman glared at her as Nyxie pulled a fork out of the drawer and went to sit next to Lotus and Reina. “
Can
I have some of your salad?” she asked each girl individually, knowing it would get on Ms. Kiki’s nerves.

“You can have all of mine,” Reina said. “It tastes like vinegar.”

“So do pickles, but I know you love pickles. Go ahead and eat it. It’s good for you.” Nyxie wore a slight smirk as she met the woman’s eyes. “They like Ranch on their salads.”

“I am not a short order cook. You’re lucky I fed them at all.”

“Yes, it’s so difficult to put the bottle on the counter. If it’s too much trouble, tell the girls to fend for themselves. They know how to feed themselves. I’ll make sure the pantry and fridge are filled with all the things they know how to cook.”