The Lily (The Flowering Series Book 1) (8 page)

I started to scream for Jake and clawed at the tubes I was connected to trying in vain to get myself out of bed. The nurse had been alerted and she came into the room and gave me a sedative to calm me down.

I slept for an hour or so and when I woke up I immediately asked for Jake. When I finally located Mike by the windows he had tears running down his face and I knew. All I could say was no over and over again.

At one point the doctor came in and I said in the strongest voice I could muster that I wanted to see Jake. The doctor was not on board with this idea but the hospital also needed a positive ID on the body and I was probably their best bet. After conferring with his colleagues he agreed to take me to see Jake.

I had never been in a morgue and if Mike’s trembling was any indication it was also his first time. The smell was strong and I felt the death surrounding us. Everything in the fabric of my being was telling me this was a lie and yet I knew that I had to do this in order to believe that Jake was truly gone.

The coroner pulled the sheet back and I grabbed Mike’s arm as the room began to spin out of control. I forced myself to shake my head and focus on his tattoo covering his heart. The tattoo was of a lily with my name written in the stem that he had created just for her. This personal tattoo was how my Jake would be identified. This piece of art created out of eternal love was now his last word.

Mike held me up and we cried for hours over Jake’s body until finally the coroner forced us to leave. On the elevator ride up to my room I felt as if a thousand knives were stabbing me in my lower abdomen. I doubled over in pain and Mike called for a nurse as soon as the doors opened.

I was rushed into surgery and when I woke up the nurse explained that I had lost the baby on impact during the accident and now my body was releasing the afterbirth but they could give me something for the pain. Mike held my hand, which was the only thing that was real at that moment.

I could not focus on the nurse’s words or fully comprehend the situation. What does that mean that I lost the baby on impact? That meant Jake and the baby were both gone. They started a blood transfusion and were kind enough to knock me out for the rest of the night.

When I did wake up the next morning I knew that I needed to see Jake once more. I was in complete denial that my world had been shattered all because an elderly gentleman had a heart attack and hit them. Mike finally convinced the doctor to let us go back and see Jake for a few hours where both of us continued to cry. I thought for sure there would be a point when the tears would just run out but if there was an end I was nowhere near that close. When we had to leave I kissed Jake on the forehead and told him I love him.

As we made our way back to my room the silence between Mike and I was full of unspoken tension. We both knew someone had to call Jake’s parents and Lily but neither of us had the strength to speak the words because if they did then Jake’s death would become real.

Finally I got up the nerve to dial his parent’s number but I broke down at the first ring. Mike took the phone but began sobbing uncontrollably as soon as Jake’s dad answered the phone. The nurse took the phone at last and told Jake’s parents that their son was gone.

Lily was on her way back to school so Mike rented a car to go intercept her and bring her to the hospital. I trusted him to break the tragedy to her gently. Lily and Jake had been very close and this was going to hit her especially hard. I hoped that his parents were able to locate his brother Ash because even though they had not been close as adults, as children they had been inseperable and I knew that his parents would need all the support they could get.

His parents came to the hospital and as soon as they saw my face they knew it was real. No one could prepare for something like this and as much as I wanted to soothe their pain I could barely keep my last shred of sanity in place. As they were trying to console one another Lily and Mike burst in and my heart sank as I saw the blood drain from Lily’s face as reality finally hit her. Mike pulled her into his arms and the room sobbed.

His parents were told that because Mike and I identified the body they did not need to see Jake and they should try to remember him as he was. His dad tried to argue with the doctor but I finally stepped in and convinced him that the Jake we all loved was gone and he would not want his parents to ever see him that way. I often wished that I had not seen Jake after the accident but later on in life I realized how important it had been to my grieving.

It took hours of crying before I got up the nerve to tell them that I also lost the baby. They were completely devastated and we all knew that it was going to take a lot of faith to get them through this horrible ordeal.

I was released from the hospital the next day and I went with the family and Mike to the funeral home to arrange Jake’s funeral. Burying a child is something no parent should ever have to do especially after such a tragedy and Jake’s parents were teetering on the edge of completely losing it. I tried to stay focused but I was basically a zombie.

Carmine and Nancy picked me up from the funeral home insisting that I stay with them since Nancy was a nurse and could provide any in home care that I would need. Physically I was still recovering from six cracked ribs and a broken arm and of course emotionally I was just numb.

The police officer that had been tasked to visit me in the hospital to get my statement regarding the accident told me the only reason I had not died is because Jake protected me. He certainly said it as an honor to Jake, but all it did is remind me that the love of my life and my unborn baby were dead and I wasn’t.

I know that I had calls and visitors but the only people I spoke with were Mike and Lily since they were also feeling Jake’s void. At the time I did not notice it but Mike had stepped in immediately for Jake and became fiercely protective of Lily and me. I wish I could have had more sense about me to help them with their grief but all three of us were just barely holding on. It also began to occur to me in the back of my mind that I had not yet heard anything about Jake’s brother Ash. I hoped that his parents were able to connect with him so he could also find his closure.

The wake was set for Friday and the afternoon was strictly for family and then guests would be permitted Friday night, Saturday and Sunday and the burial would be on Monday. I actually had to read the schedule for those details months after because during those three days I had to be heavily sedated and all I could do was cry.

Jake was the love of my life and the father of our child and in the course of three days I had to bury them both. No person should ever have to endure that kind of pain.

I found out that we would have had a baby boy so I named him Aidan Jake Petrillo and we bought a plot next to Jake’s so they could find each other in heaven. Aidan’s burial was held Saturday morning and I only invited Mike, Lily, Carmine, Nancy and Jake’s parents. The local pastor gave a beautiful homily but you could hear all the hearts surrounding the little casket breaking into tiny pieces.

I probably should have taken Nancy’s advice and headed home for a rest but I did not want to miss a second with Jake. I knew that Jake was no longer in his body but that was the last physical piece of evidence I had of him and I was going to keep it until the very last minute.

Chapter10:

When Monday morning arrived I sat on the edge of the bed at Carmine and Nancy’s in my black dress and held my chest because the pain was so intense. My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces and my happy life had been turned black in the last week.

Today was going to be the last time I was going to be near Jake forever. The next time I visited him would be at a cemetery. The man I created a life with, the man I vowed to honor and respect and the man who held my fragile heart cocooned in his love was going to be buried today.

Our limo picked us up early so that we could spend some time as a family alone with Jake before the burial. Each member of the family had a chance to visit the casket alone and give their last words to Jake. I chose to go last so I could be the last one to touch him.

When it was my turn I walked slowly to the casket with tears running down my face ruining the make up Nancy had so lovingly put on me this morning to hide the dark circles under my eyes. I had brought Jake’s leather biker jacket and I placed it in the casket just in case he got cold. I also laid a picture of Aidan’s sonogram on Jake’s chest so he could find him in heaven. Finally I slid his grandfather’s watch on his wrist because after the excitement of the proposal on our anniversary I had decided to save it for a special occasion. This was not a special occasion but was Jake’s final occasion so I felt it was appropriate to leave it with him.

The wake had been a closed casket because of the accident but for this last family goodbye the casket was open. Jake looked alien to me but when I grabbed his left hand I felt his wedding band and knew it by feel alone. I held onto his hand even when they were softly telling me it was time to go. Did they not realize what letting go meant?

It meant I was alone and my husband, partner and father of my child would no longer be real to me. Since the very first time our eyes connected across the room at the fraternity party I had not truly pictured a life without him in it.

All the times I had been scared he would not want me or discover he had made a mistake had just been surface fears. Jake was everything, my knight in shining armor, my best friend and my whole life. I knew I needed a strength I did not possess and I cursed God for taking away such a good soul.

I took a deep breath and let Jake’s hand go knowing nothing would ever be the same. The funeral director had to escort me to the car because my legs were receiving mixed messages of go to him and at the same time he is gone. I needed to be with Jake to see him, touch him, kiss him and hold him safe and I somehow had to figure out how to accept my new reality.

The same pastor who presided over Aidan’s burial was also at Jake’s. The homily was beautiful and personal because Jake’s family had been at the parish since he was a child. A bagpipe tribute and the singing of Amazing Grace followed the homily.

My world was spinning out of control and I had no idea what was happening around me. I think I almost fainted several times and I might have even sat down once or twice. If Mike had not been standing between Lily and me there is a good chance I would have made a scene.

I felt like I was swimming in Jell-O hearing the voices singing but feeling weighed down with grief and denial. I turned my head expecting to see Jake’s charming smile and adorable dimples walking up the pathway. I felt panic and realized there were so many things I still wanted to tell him and now it was too late.

When the singing ended I grabbed my bouquet of roses and lilies and tossed them onto the casket. If Mike had not been holding on to me I think I would have jumped on the casket and never let him go. I turned into Mike’s chest and felt his devastation radiating off his body. His life would never be the same either.

There were hugs and pats on the arm as others paid their respects. I noticed a tall man who looked like a younger version of Jake’s father hug Jake’s parents and I knew it must be Ash. Lily hugged him awakwardly but you could still feel the love and loss radiating off of him as he stared at the casket. He helped his parents to the car while Lily, Mike and I just sat staring at the casket until we were the only three left at the cemetery.

We cried, laughed and told our favorite Jake stories. At some point we may have even been making them up just to procrastinate going back to face other people and a world without Jake.

Around 7pm Carmine finally came for us but he promised that he would bring me back again tomorrow. When I finally got back to Carmine and Nancy’s I passed out and slept most of the night. I had several nightmares but luckily none of them fully woke me up.

When I woke the morning after the burial I squeezed my eyes shut and said a little prayer before I hurried downstairs praying to see Jake waiting for me in the kitchen. The disappointment was clear on my face when I only saw Mike, Carmine and Nancy around the table. I know that Nancy was not convinced that spending the day in the cemetery was the best thing for Mike or me but to her credit she let us go.